Eric’s Holiday Letter, December 2021

Dear friends and family,

What a year. I feel like I fell out of the lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, and ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids. After my recent success writing a local American holiday letter, I was invited this year to edit an English Premier League letter in London called KFC Twickenham. I originally assumed, as you probably did, that KFC stood for Kentucky Fried Chicken, but it doesn’t. It stands for Keepers of Festive Christmas letters, which, now that I think about it, makes more sense.

I started the year leading the staff remotely via Zoom, but over the summer we started a hybrid work plan. I would work from home in Burbank, California, on Mondays and Wednesdays and commute to London, England, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I always used to complain about my commute here in Los Angeles, but, let me tell you, commuting from Los Angeles to London is somehow even worse! I’m glad the letter-writing season is over.

It was not always smooth sailing. When I first started editing the letter, my writers did not immediately accept me. They complained that I used Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary instead of the Oxford English Dictionary and said I didn’t belong there. But I gradually won them over with my relentless positivity. And cookies. I handed out cookies. Honestly, I just bought shortbread cookies at Marks & Spencer and repackaged them. They were perfectly fine. But, for some reason, people went crazy for them, shoveling them into their mouths like they hadn’t eaten anything in a month. I don’t know what that was about.

It took more than relentless positivity and cookies, though, to win them over. It also took charm. This mainly involved insulting their tea. The British love that. When I was asked “how do you take your tea?” I would say, “Well, I usually take it right over to the sink and pour it down the drain because tea is horrible garbage water.” Charm.

I had several challenges to overcome. My star writer, Jimmy Torte, refused to share writing credit with the rest of the team. The gruff but loveable copy editor, Ray York, was a longtime veteran of holiday letters, but he was having a little trouble keeping up with the younger writers. His elbows just weren’t up to the grueling writing schedule anymore. My newest recruit, Tony Velas, seemed like a breath of fresh air, with his constant refrain of “Metaphors are life!” But then he suffered from a severe case of writer’s block known as the yaps. And, as if that weren’t enough, I had to find a new sponsor for my letter, because my previous sponsor, Exoskeleton Oil, was polluting the ocean. Finding the right sponsor meant attending a lot of branding meetings. I always feel so bad for the cows, but you have to do it, otherwise they get lost.

I don’t blame my writers or the fans for doubting me. There really are differences between holiday letters in the US and UK. For example, in the US you put a holiday letter in an envelope, but in the UK you put it in the boot. In the US you write holiday letters in an office, but in the UK they are written in a lift. And lifts can be different sizes! Letters in the US always end in a win or a loss, but in the UK a letter can also end in a tie! I kept forgetting that! But the most important thing to know is that in the UK the Premier League letters don’t necessarily stay in the Premier League. If the letter isn’t good enough, it can be relegated to a less significant holiday. Instead of writing for Christmas, you might get stuck writing a Summer Bank Holiday letter. It’s humiliating.

And that brings me to the biggest shocker of the holiday season. It turns out my boss, Susanna, didn’t hire me because she thought I was the best editor. She hired me because she thought I would fail and the letter would suffer relegation. I know, right? Who would intentionally sabotage a holiday letter? Well, it turns out this holiday letter was the only thing her former business partner ever cared about and she wanted to destroy it in an act of revenge. She set up a newspaper interview for me, knowing that I would make a fool of myself. I fell for her plan and agreed to the interview. So I met the reporter at a restaurant and ordered the wrong thing, as I always do. But a funny thing happened. The reporter, Trevor Grims of The Independent, ended up writing a positive piece about me:

TREVOR GRIMS: “Trevor Grims, The Independent.”

Yes, we know. I just said that.

TREVOR GRIMS: “Right. Sorry. Whatever you think of Eric as a writer of holiday letters, I assure you the truth is harder to swallow. And swallow you must, because Eric is out there either bravely or stupidly writing this letter. That’s for you to decide. And yes, he’s in over his head. He started writing this letter and now has no idea how to end it. But if the Eric way is wrong, it’s hard to imagine being right. In a letter that’s supposed to be about the holidays, Eric makes everything about himself. His style is never subtle. It hits you over the head. Whether that means referencing twelve hours of television that may mean nothing to many people or eating food so spicy it’s sure to wreak massive havoc on his intestinal system. And though I believe this letter will be a disaster, I can’t help but root for him.”

OK, well, the part about the spicy food was maybe a little more detail than we needed, but other than that, I think those kind words were just what we needed to get through this letter. Writing this letter this year has been a real rollercoaster. After a bad start to the year and losing the Valentine’s Day letter to Crystal Palace, things looked like they were going well in the spring, when we wrote a better Easter letter than Everton for the first time in 60 years. By summer, though, we weren’t making as much progress as we’d hoped, with a string of ties so long that it threatened to tie the record for the most ties, which is currently a tie. Then, at the end of the season, just when we thought our defenses were strong enough to save us from relegation, we were hit with a series of surprise trick plays, including the Midnight Hyperbole, Loki’s Euphemism, and the Omicron Variant. But we aren’t going to give up. We have work to do. Next year we’re going to come back from relegation, get promoted back to the Premier League, and then we’re going to win the whole darn thing!

TONY VELAS: “Metaphors are life!”

That’s right, Tony! It’s good to have you back! In the letter industry, the term “bend it” means to put a twist on the story, as in “bend it like O. Henry.” So I’m going to end with this:

You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? Ten second memory. When a goldfish experiences disappointment, it immediately forgets about it. And doesn’t learn anything. And then eats so much it explodes. Don’t be a goldfish. But do have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,

Eric

Project Runway All Stars Season Three Finale: The Interpreters!

This week at the UN

ALYSSA: Welcome to the United Nations headquarters in New York. You are here to meet the delegates from the countries of your heritage and interpret the spirit of those countries into six piece collections that will walk the famous UN runway four days from now.

Elena meets the delegate from Ukraine:

UKRAINIAN DELEGATE: People wear clothes in Ukraine. You’ll be a huge star.

ELENA: Sounds great.

Korto meets the delegate from Liberia:

LIBERIAN DELEGATE: It is very important that you come with me to Liberia right now!

KORTO: OK, slow down. Why don’t you buy me a drink first?

Seth Aaron meets the Delegate from Spain:

SPANISH DELEGATE: The most important thing in Spain is the earth. In fact, Spain is almost ninety percent dirt.

The designers are now super inspired. After some sketching time, the UN building is evacuated because one of the metal detectors is malfunctioning. The designers head off to Mood to buy fabric. 

Later that night, after the designers are snug in their beds, Nicole Kidman goes back to the UN building to get her flute. The building appears to be empty. But then, as she’s about to leave, she hears voices. They are speaking in a language that only a few people can understand.

“Repetition is reputation. It’s a double edged sword. The peplum story isn’t working. The teacher will not leave this room.”

What the hell?

Nicole doesn’t know what it means, but she’s terrified. She runs for her life.

The next day in the design room Nicole talks to Zanna Roberts Rassi, the Secret Service mentor who has been assigned to her:

NICOLE KIDMAN: They were speaking in the special language of Project Runway judges, so it was difficult to make sense of it, but I think they were talking about the international fashion icon Gayle King.

ZANNA: How’d you happen to be up there after hours?

NICOLE: I had to go back for my flute. We evacuated the building and, as you can imagine, it would have been very burdensome to take my flute with me.

ZANNA: Your flute? Of all the things a writer could make you go back for, why would it be a flute? I mean, even a violin would make more sense.

NICOLE: I know. But it was a flute. What can I do about it?

ZANNA: OK. So, you go back for your flute and you just happen to hear some people talking in gibberish that only a few Project Runway judges would be able understand?

NICOLE: You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? I’m scared and my mentor is someone who doesn’t believe me.

ZANNA: I’m not here to mentor you. I’m here to mentor the All Stars. My job, as it concerns you, is to investigate you.

NICOLE: We’re kepéla. It means standing on opposite sides of the design room.

Zanna and Nicole don’t trust each other at first, but their relationship starts to warm up and they soon discover they need each other. They only have four days to solve the mystery of why in the world Gayle King would be the guest judge for the finale and who she will chose to win the biggest prize package in Project Runway history. 

Zanna Roberts Rassi and Nicole Kidman

Alyssa checks in with Zanna:

ALYSSA: So, Zanna, do you think Nicole Kidman is telling the truth?

ZANNA: I’d rather make the mistake of believing her than the bigger one of not.

ALYSSA: This is so important we will be giving you some assistance. Use whatever resources are necessary. The NSA, the CIA, the FBI, former All Stars contestants -- anything you need, it’s yours.

So Christopher, Viktor, and Jeffrey are sent in to help solve the case. At first we can’t decide how Nicole Kidman is mixed up in all this. She seems to be connected to all three remaining All Stars. One is her brother, one is her lover, and one is her friend. But does that mean she is part of the conspiracy?

NICOLE: I walked away from Parsons with nothing. No brother, no family, no lover, nothing. Just a belief that fashion shows at the UN can solve all the world’s problems.

After that moving speech, we are forced to endure tedious scenes of Zanna staring at Nicole, the length of the design room a physical reminder of the metaphorical distance between them. And then that distance disappears in an instant, when Zanna rushes over to save Nicole from an assassination attempt. Then Nicole is almost blown up on a bus. They head back to the UN for the fashion show.

ALYSSA: Like all thrillers, this one has a twist. The twist is that the voice Nicole heard was that of Zac Posen. He was talking with the other judges about who would win this season of All Stars.

That’s the twist? So why are there a bunch of scarves hanging behind you?

ALYSSA: Oh, right. I forgot about the scarves. The designers have to use those to make a seventh look. Now, let’s start the show. For the first time cameras are being allowed into the UN General Assembly room to record the Project Runway All Stars finale. Isn’t that exciting?

Well, I have no idea what that confusing statement means. Are you saying this is the first time cameras are being allowed into the General Assembly room, or are you saying this is the first time they are being allowed in to record this Project Runway finale?

ALYSSA: I don’t know! I’m reading a script! Stop analyzing everything I say!

Fine. Well, the show was impressive, considering the fact that the collections were created in four days. Seven pieces doesn’t really a collection make, though. It doesn’t really give the designer enough space to develop themes while providing the full range of a real collection. The judges are either going to complain that the looks are not cohesive or they are going to complain that the looks are just variations on a theme. There really isn’t a way to avoid that with these mini collections. 

Elena - This was my favorite collection. The judges complained that the looks were all the same and that there was only one silhouette. But I counted two silhouettes: her basic body-con silhouette and a fun trapeze shape. Perhaps the judges were hoping for three or four, but am I expecting too much to think the judges should be able to tell the difference between one silhouette and two? 

Korto - This was my second favorite collection. Her first dress and her palazzo-pant jumpsuit were gorgeous and there were a couple of other nice looks. If the whole collection had lived up to the best looks I would have picked her for the win. But there were a few looks I didn’t like at all.

Seth Aaron - While I thought this was a dramatic collection, it was my least favorite of the three. I happen to like crazy, non-commercial looks, as long as they are exciting and fashion forward. But I found this collection, on the whole, to cross the line into dated clown-clothes territory. The red coat was nice, though.

The judges, as expected, get everything completely wrong:

ALYSSA: Designers, this season you’ve created fashion inspired by the New York stock exchange, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the Great Gatsby. You’ve been humiliated by Miranda Priestly and proven that Santa Claus exists. You’ve designed menswear and womenswear to be worn in the Hunger Games and you’ve permanently ruined the Sound of Music with your complete lack of acting ability. One of you even destroyed the earth on two separate occasions. All of this led up to our big finale, where you created looks based on your heritage and almost killed Nicole Kidman. So, after all of that, it is only fitting that we allow Nicole Kidman to explain the judging process to us:

NICOLE: Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge. But on Project Runway we believe that the only way to end grief is to go back on the show again. If someone is eliminated, several years of mourning ends with a ritual that we call All Stars. There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the All Stars are put in a boat. They’re taken out on the river and dropped. The judges then have to make a choice. They can let them drown or they can swim out and save them. The audience believes that if the right designer is chosen, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they accept the winner that the judges choose, if they admit that life isn't always just ... that very act can take away their sorrow.

That sounds reasonable. I accept Seth Aaron as the winner. I just can't be super excited about it. Let's see if Nicole can accept the judges' decision:

ZANNA: How do you feel about the Project Runway judges?

NICOLE: I feel disappointment.

ZANNA: That’s a lover’s word. What about rage? Of all the people I’ve looked into since this thing started, the one with the darkest history with the judges is you. Their decision eliminated your ...

NICOLE: Shhh! We don’t speak the names of the eliminated. It's hard to remember that these were once good judges. That's not unusual for these guys. They all begin as liberators and 20 minutes later they're as corrupt as the tyrants they've overthrown. They liberated Project Runway from one of the most corrupt judging panels on earth, gave the audience hope, and were heroes. They need another name for what they are now.

Nicole Kidman is disappointed.

[Eric3000 would like to thank you for reading and apologize for the fact that this was the only UN-themed movie he could think of.]

Project Runway All Stars Season Three, Episode Nine: Fashion Cents!

I have a hunch something exciting is going to happen in the ready-to-wear market this morning!

We open the episode with Isaac and Georgina being driven to work in their Bentley. They are having an argument:

ISAAC: How stupid these scientists are! The eternal question. There is no question. The answer’s obvious.

GEORGINA: I don’t care about heredity versus environment. I’m sick and tired of hearing about it. I care how much we get for our ready-to-wear looks.

ISAAC: Michelle Smith says to sell at four hundred dollars. Her charts say that’s as high as it’ll go.

GEORGINA: It’ll never get that high. Let’s sell lower.

ISAAC: Patience, Georgina. Let’s see if she’s right. This is a study in human nature.

GEORGINA: We’re about to sell dresses for four hundred dollars and you’re talking about human nature.

ISAAC: Money isn’t everything, Georgina.

GEORGINA: Oh, grow up, Isaac.

ISAAC: Mother always said you were greedy.

GEORGINA: She meant it as a compliment. We’re lucky to have these All Stars working for us, you know.

ISAAC: Hogwash. They’re a product of good environment.

GEORGINA: It’s got nothing to do with environment. With their genes, you could put them anywhere and they’ll come out on top. Breeding. Same as race horses. It’s in the blood.

ISAAC: I’m telling you it’s environment. We could make one designer the winner of this challenge and another designer the loser just through our random decisions.

GEORGINA: Are we talking about a wager? How much do you want to bet?

ISAAC: Shall we say the usual amount?

GEORGINA: Why not?

So, Seth Aaron gets set up with a beautiful design room and fabrics, the use of hair and makeup artists, an accessory wall, a car, and his own butler.

Christopher, on the other hand, gets arrested for theft, has PCP planted in his jacket, is dumped by his fiance, and, on top of all that, is also expected to make a dress that only has one zipper in it.

CHRISTOPHER: One zipper? Why is someone trying to ruin my life?!!!

Christopher is having some difficulties

The designers all have to make compromises for the ready-to-wear market. Seth Aaron has to give up his zipper, which is apparently made out of solid gold, Korto has to shorten her maxi dress, and Elena has to stick with her approved design. But Christopher is having the most trouble. He goes to the tennis club to seek help from the other designers:

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, good. There you are. Seth Aaron, Elena, Korto, I realize this looks completely awful, but I just wanted to assure you, my friends, that I am completely innocent. I’m going to fight this. Someone is out to get me and I know who. The important thing is that I can rely on you, my friends, as character witnesses. I’m going to be defending myself on the runway and I wondered if you could see your way clear to perhaps advance me a small amount of advice about this zipper issue.

KORTO: Frankly, Christopher -- and I think I speak for all of us -- I think it shows incredibly bad taste for you to embarrass us like this. You shouldn’t be asking us for help at this point in the competition.

SETH AARON: Yeah. Nobody wants to buy your heroin, here, Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER: It wasn’t heroin! It was PCP! And it wasn’t mine!

Time for the runway, with guest judges Kristin Chenoweth and Nick Cannon. Alyssa explains how it works:

Fashion is a commodity

ALYSSA: If you’re going to succeed in fashion you have to know all aspects of the industry. Last week you came face to face with real customers, now it’s time to delve into the true business of fashion: ready-to-wear. Let me explain to you what it is we do here. We are in the fashion industry. Fashion is a commodity. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are products, like coffee that you had for breakfast; wheat, which is used to make bread; or pork bellies, which is used to make bacon that you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich. Clear so far? 

ALYSSA: Good. Now some of you designers will be in the top this week and some will be in the bottom. Our job is to make the decision.

NICK CANNON: Tell them the best part, Kristin.

KRISTIN CHENOWETH: The best part is that no matter whether you are in the top or the bottom, Nick and I are huge stars and we're incredibly rich.

DESIGNERS: It’s sounds like you guys are a bunch of bookies.

KRISTIN CHENOWETH: I told you they’d understand.

Seth Aaron wins the challenge. Elena is safe. The bottom two, Korto and Christopher, will face one final challenge to decide which one will make it to the finale:

ALYSSA: Think big, designers. Think positive. Never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Fear: that’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness. The Super Bowl. The World Series. Pressure? Here it’s kill or be killed. Make no friends and take no prisoners. One minute you’re up, the next -- boom -- your kids don’t go to college and you’ve lost your Bentley. This is it. This is the last bastion of pure capitalism left of earth. Here, in the runway trading pit, you’ll be expected to take three of your old looks and transform them into one dramatic new look. Now, go kick some ass! 

Madness!

Christopher and Korto enter the pit and manage to trade old looks for new looks. They buy low and sell high! Korto created a very cool outfit and Christopher finally showed the judges who he is as a designer. Unfortunately, one of them has to go. The room goes silent as we await the message from the U.S. Secretary of Fashion:

Quiet!

SECRETARY OF FASHION: After calculating the estimates from various judges, we have concluded the following: Korto is in and Christopher is out.

ISAAC: Pay up, Georgina. I’ve won the bet. We took a bunch of perfectly useless psychopaths and turned them into All Stars. And at the same time we turned an honest, hard-working designer into a violently deranged would-be killer.

GEORGINA: Here you go, Isaac. One dollar.

CHRISTOPHER: It was an experiment? The judges used us as guinea pigs? They ruined my life over a bet?

Sorry, Christopher. Korto will be joining Seth Aaron and Elena in the finale.

Looking good, Seth Aaron!

Feeling good, Elena!

Project Runway All Stars Season Three, Episode Eight: #The Devil Is Trending!

Terrific. Apparently, this episode is going to be all about those annoying pound signs that are all over the place. Pound sign Things that are popular. Pound sign The Kardashians just did something. Pound sign Get off my lawn, you damn kids, with your Tweeting and your Instagraphs.

ALYSSA: You’re our new fashion blogger? Well, Human Resources certainly has an odd sense of humor. Follow me. OK, so Nina eliminated the last two fashion bloggers after only a few weeks. We need to find a blogger who can survive here. Do you understand?

Yes. Of course. Who’s Nina?

ALYSSA: Oh, my God. I will pretend you did not just ask me that. She’s the editor of Marie Claire, not to mention a legend. A million bloggers would kill for this opportunity. 

[Alyssa gets a call]

ALYSSA: Oh my god. No! No! No!

What's wrong?

ALYSSA: She's on her way! Tell everyone!

But, she wasn’t supposed to be here until 9:00.

ALYSSA: Her driver just text messaged and her facialist ruptured a disc. God, these people!

All right, everyone, gird your loins!

[Nina enters]

NINA: Tell Simone I’m not going to approve that girl that she sent me for the Brazilian layout. I asked for clean, athletic, and smiling. She sent me dirty, tired, and paunchy. And RSVP Yes to the Michael Kors party. I want the driver to drop me off at 9:30 and pick me up at 9:45 sharp. Call Natalie at Glorious Foods and tell her No, for the 40th time. No, I don’t want dacquoise. I want tortes filled with warm rhubarb compote. Tell Richard I saw the pictures that he sent for that feature on the female paratroopers and they’re all so deeply unattractive. Is it impossible to find a lovely, slender female paratrooper? Am I reaching for the stars here? Not really. Is there some reason I don’t have my coffee? Has my assistant died? And who are these people?

ALYSSA: Oh, nobody. They’re just the remaining All Stars. I’ll narrow them down to the finalists.

NINA: Clearly I’m going to have to do that myself, because the job you’ve been doing so far is completely inadequate. Have them create their looks and I’ll decide. That’s all.

So, the designers go to Mood and meet their fashion bloggers, who will be their models. Seth Aaron creates a tight color-blocked dress, which is nice but not trendsetting. Elena creates a peplum jacket that uses a very interesting textile technique but is way out of proportion for her tiny model. Viktor creates a beautiful leather jacket and pairs it with a weird black dress. Christopher creates an olive-drab lace trench dress. Korto is the clear winner, with a terrific white suit that needed only some adjustment to the hem of the pant. Nina is disappointed in the other designers:

NINA: I asked one thing of you. I asked you to get me the next Harry Potter book for my boys and you failed me.

CHRISTOPHER: There is no next Harry Potter book! The series ended!

NINA: The details of your incompetence do not interest me.

Christopher is safe. Viktor is out because Nina had to sacrifice him in order to save her own job. You see, Viktor was supposed to have gotten the job as creative director with fashion star James Holt, but then it turned out Jacqueline Folette, the editor of the French edition of Marie Claire, was about to take over Nina’s position so Nina had to give the Holt job to Jacqueline instead. It was all very shocking, but Viktor took it in stride. He knows that some day, when the time is right, she’ll make it up to him.

Oh, I forgot to mention that they were supposed to be predicting a trend for 2014 and also using the color pink.

NINA: Excuse me? Pink?

Yeah. Wasn’t it pink? To be honest, when you started talking about panettone I got hungry and I wasn’t paying attention to this stuff.

NINA: This ... stuff? Oh. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your local Trader Joe’s and you select ... I don't know ... that panettone with the dried fruit that comes in the pink box, for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself seriously. But what you don't know is that that box is not just pink. It's not fuchsia. It's not magenta. It's actually the panettone color of the year for 2014, radiant orchid. And you're also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002 Oscar de la Renta did a collection of radiant orchid gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent who showed radiant orchid military jackets. And then radiant orchid quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where someone, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin and used it for food packaging. However, that pink represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're eating panettone out of a box that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.

Nina says That's all

Project Runway All Stars Season Three, Episode Seven: Miracle on the Runway!

This week the show is being filmed in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Lisa Robertson is organizing the QVC Thanksgiving Day Parade of Programming:

LISA ROBERTSON: You’ve got them mixed up. You’re making a terrible mistake. You’ve got Handbags with Mary Beth where Antonella’s Jewelry Favorites should be. And Merry Memories with David should be on my right-hand side. And another thing: Anything Goes with Rick & Shawn is a terrible name for a show. Still, I don’t suppose anybody would notice except myself.

QVC's Lisa Robertson

Lisa sees one of her hosts is having problems:

LISA ROBERTSON: Let me show you how to use that whip. It’s all in the wrist. Hey, you’ve been drinking! You’re a disgrace. You should be ashamed. Don’t you know there are thousands of agoraphobic women sitting in front of their televisions waiting to see you? Women who have been dreaming of this moment for weeks? You’re a disgrace to the tradition of home shopping. I refuse to let you malign QVC in this way. Korto, could you fill in as host? Have you got any experience?

KORTO: Oh, a little. I’m not in the habit of substituting for spurious television hosts, but I’ll do it for the fans.

Korto sells some product on television.

VIKTOR: This is just like a fairy tale, isn’t it, Irina?

IRINA: I don’t believe in fairy tales. I think they're silly.

VIKTOR: So, no All Stars either? No fantasies of any kind, is that it?

IRINA: That’s right. We should be realistic and completely truthful and not grow up believing in a lot of legends and myths.

Meanwhile, Korto has become a very popular host:

LISA ROBERTSON: I just know with that designer on camera QVC will sell more than ever. So, Korto, here’s a list of the products we have to push. We’re overstocked on this crap. You understand?

KORTO: I certainly do. Imagine, convincing television viewers to buy stuff they don’t need just because you bought too much of the wrong thing. That’s what I’ve been fighting against for years. The way you commercialize television. It’s disgusting.

Korto continues her hosting gig and takes a call from a viewer:

KORTO: Hi, caller! What can I help you with today?

VIEWER: I’d like to buy a Kindle Fire HD 7” 32GB WiFi Tablet with Charger, Case & Tech Support. I promise I won’t use it in the house. Only in the yard.

LISA ROBERTSON: Psst! Korto! We’re out of stock on that item.

KORTO: I can tell you’re a good person, caller. You’ll get your Kindle Fire.

LISA ROBERTSON: Korto, I told you QVC doesn’t have it! Don’t you understand English?

KORTO: You don’t think I would have promised unless I was sure, do you? Caller, you can get that at Amazon.com. At a good price. And if you have Amazon Prime you’ll get free shipping.

VIEWER: I don’t get it. QVC sending people to Amazon?

KORTO: The only important thing is making the customer happy. Who sells the product doesn’t make any difference. Don’t you feel the same way.

VIEWER: Who, me? Yeah, sure. I just didn’t think QVC did. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

Korto takes some more calls from viewers:

VIEWER: I just want to congratulate you and QVC on this wonderful new stunt you’re pulling. Imagine, sending people to Amazon. Why, it’s ...

KORTO: It certainly is!

VIEWER: You said it! A big outfit like QVC putting the spirit of shopping ahead of the commercial. It’s wonderful. I’ve never done much shopping on QVC, but from now on I’m going to be a regular QVC customer. All Stars really do exist!

Back in the design room, Zanna Roberts Rassi tells the designers she’s not happy with what she’s seen:

CHRISTOPHER: But Zanna, I don’t think there’s any harm in letting the viewers see an All Star.

ZANNA ROBERT RASSI: But I think there is harm. I tell you the dresses here are not up to All Stars standards and that the All Stars are just a myth, and then Korto goes on television in front of hundreds of gullible viewers. This sets up a very harmful mental conflict within them. What are they going to think? Who are they going to believe? And by filling them full of fairy tales, they grow up considering life a fantasy instead of a reality. They keep waiting for Prince Charming to come along. And when he does, he turns out to be a ... 

CHRISTOPHER: Zanna, this isn’t about you.

ZANNA ROBERTS RASSI: Never mind. Just please respect my wishes.

SETH AARON: Can you believe Korto spoke Dutch to that one viewer? I think she really might be an All Star!

IRINA: Seth Aaron, I speak French but that doesn’t make me Joan of Arc. Please tell me that Korto doesn’t exist.

SETH AARON: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Irina. Not only does she exist, but she’s here to prove it. By the way, that’s a very cute dress. Where did you get it?

IRINA: Right here at QVC!

LISA ROBERTSON: I have never seen such a tremendous and immediate response to a merchandising policy. We’ll be known as the helpful shopping channel. The shopping channel with a heart. The shopping channel that places public service ahead of profits. And, consequently, we’ll make more profits than ever before.

KORTO: Shopping isn’t just a channel. It’s a frame of mind. That’s what’s been changing. That’s why I’m glad I’m here. Maybe I can do something. If I can win you over, there’s still hope.

IRINA: I want to win Project Runway All Stars. If you can get me that then you’re real. If not, then you’re only a nice woman on television.

KORTO: Now, wait a minute, Irina. Just because every designer can’t get his or her wish doesn’t mean there aren’t All Stars.

Korto is involved in a confrontation with the QVC resident psychologist and is taken to Bellevue hospital for the fashionably insane. She almost gives up on her red-carpet gown.

ISAAC MIZRAHI: But Korto, you can’t just think of yourself. What happens to you matters to a lot of people. People like me, who believe in what you stand for, and people like Alyssa Milano, who are just beginning to. You can’t quit. You can’t let them down.

Korto decides to fight on and create another gown at the last minute. There is not much design to the dress and it’s not really red-carpet worthy, in my opinion, but it’s a perfectly nice dress and it would sell well on QVC. Korto is brought before the Project Runway All Stars judges:

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, All designers having business with the supreme court of Project Runway All Stars draw near, give attendance, and ye shall be heard.

ISAAC MIZRAHI: I intend to prove that Korto is an All Star. It’s not just QVC that’s on trial here. It’s everything QVC stands for: kindness, joy, love, and all of the intangible things in life.

ALYSSA MILANO: All right. So we tell them the Project Runway judges rule there are no All Stars. It’s all over the papers. The kids don’t buy any more clothes. So then the clothing companies lay off employees, and then we’re back in a recession. Obviously, we can’t do that. The trial may proceed.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: I call my first witness, Elisabeth Moss. Elisabeth, do you believe in All Stars?

ELISABETH MOSS: Of course I do.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: What does an All Star look like?

ELISABETH MOSS: She’s sitting right there.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: The defense would like the record to show that the witness is pointing at Korto. And now I’d like to submit the following facts in evidence. It concerns the Post Office Department, an official agency of the United States government. The Post Office was created by the Second Continental Congress. The first postmaster general was Benjamin Franklin. The Post Office is one of the world’s largest business concerns. 

ALYSSA MILANO: I agree the Post Office is great. Is there a point to this?

IZAAC MIZRAHI: I have here three letters addressed simply “All Star.” No other address whatsoever. Yet these were just now delivered to Korto by bona fide employees of the Post Office. I offer them in evidence.

ALYSSA MILANO: Three letters isn’t much proof. If you have more, bring them here and put them in my lap.

Postal employees bring in hundreds of thousands of letters and bury Alyssa Milano alive.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: Each of these letters is addressed to the Project Runway All Star. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office, a branch of the federal government, recognizes this designer as the winner of this challenge.

Case dismissed. Korto wins the challenge. Congratulations, Korto. I thought Christopher’s gown was more appropriate for the red carpet, but apparently potential QVC sales trumped that. And Irina is out for making a wedding dress that ripped on the runway.

ALYSSA MILANO: It was both literally and figuratively falling apart at the seams. I’m sorry Irina. I tried my best to get you what you wanted.

IRINA: You couldn’t get it because All Stars don’t really exist.

ALYSSA MILANO: No, Irina. You must believe in All Stars and keep right on doing it. You must have faith.

IRINA: But I didn’t get what I wanted. That doesn’t make sense, Alyssa.

ALYSSA MILANO: Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. Just because things don’t turn out the way you want them to the first time, you’ve still got to believe. I found that out.

IRINA: You mean like, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”?

ALYSSA MILANO: Yes.

IRINA: I thought so. This blows.

On a positive note, on the way home from the Project Runway studio, Irina found her dream house with the swing in the back yard, just like she always wanted.

What the hell is her problem?