Project Runway Season Seven, Finale, Part Two: and the winner is . . .

It was a tough competition, but we finally have a winner. And the title of biggest A-hole in the history of Project Runway goes to . . . (drum roll) . . . Jay Nicolas Sario! Congratulations, Jay! You're a bigger jerk than Jeffrey Sebelia!

Jay: "Yeah, well, at least I'm not ugly, like you."

Touche!

OK, so the season is over but we have one more recap to get through. We start this final episode with the designers critiquing each other:

Mila: "Seth Aaron should design for Hot Topic and Emilio should design for a boutique in Harlem . . . in 1994."

Oh, snap!

Tim makes his rounds. Seth Aaron is just showing off at this point:

Seth Aaron: "I have 24 looks."

Tim: "Why would you have 24 looks? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Obviously, Tim, fashion is all about quantity, not quality.

Tim critiques Emilio's collection:

Tim: "Blech."

Then Tim announces the huge surprise twist:

Tim: "Use the Bluefly wall thoughtfully."

Ooh, do they have to create one more look using only materials from the Bluefly wall?

Tim: "No, they don't have to make another look."

So what's the twist?

Tim: "There's no twist. That's the twist."

Oh, you're good. I did not see that coming. That's the biggest twist in Project Runway history!

On to model selection, where Emilio basically says he's casting a Benetton commercial. Next, it's time to sell makeup and hair products. Then it's time to freak out that some of the models are missing. And finally, the show starts:

Heidi: "This was a season of Project Runway. And that's because we had designers on it. Say hello to fashion icon Faith Hill."

First up is Willy Wonka:

Willy Wonka: "Thank you. My collection was inspired by the military and my new invention of weaponized chocolate. And, of course, Hot Topic."

1) not really 2) no 3) yes 4) LOVE IT 5) no 6) oh, yes, give it to me 7) yes 8) no 9) yes 10) OH, MY GOD, NO!

Well, other than that last monstrosity, it was a pretty decent collection. There were some really cute pieces.

Mila: "My collection is black and white. Living in perfect harmony. Side by side on the piano keyboard. Oh, just deal with it."

1) fine 2) yeah, ok 3) YES 4) no 5) no 6) no 7) yes 8) no 9) yes 10) yes

I liked most of that collection, but it wasn't very exciting.

Emilio: "Color me bad. Because I'm bad, I'm bad, really, really bad. You know it. And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again who's bad."

1) yes 2) no 3) no 4) no 5) NO 6) no 7) no 8) no 9) no 10) NO

In case it wasn't clear, my overall opinion of that collection would be "no."

But nobody cares what I think. the real question is, what does Raven think?

Raven: "Emilio's collection reminded me of the 90s. God, I miss the 90s. Those were good times."

The judges compete to see who can make the most boring comments. And the winner is . . . (drum roll) . . . Faith Hill! Congratulations, Faith!

Heidi announces the season seven winner:

Heidi: "You made our job today really tough. All three of you made crap collections. But I suppose someone has to win. So it's you, Seth Aaron."

That's not really what she said. Obviously, the judges pretended like they loved all three terrible collections. I'm just kidding. I'm sure the judges genuinely liked those terrible collections. OK, fine, the collections weren't that bad. Anyway, congratulations to Seth Aaron! He deserves it!

Now on to the half hour reunion show with the designers and the models. Twice as many people and half the time. Better than nothing.

Anyway, let's get on with NinaChat, the show where Nina Garcia calls you a big baby:

Emilio: "You said nice things about my collection so I don't understand why didn't I win?"

Nina: "Did you not hear us say nice things about all the collections? Get over it, you big baby!"

Maya: "I left the show because I just didn't think I was ready."

Nina: "What a load of horse shit. Don't be such a baby."

Ping: "It was so hard for me because nobody ever questioned my judgement before."

Nina: "STOP BEING A BIG BABY!"

Well, I could watch this for hours! Unfortunately, that's all there is. The season is over. I want to thank all of you for reading my posts and leaving comments these past few months. It's meant so much to me. Oh, no, look what you made me do. You've gone and made me cry.

Nina: "Oh, stop it, you big baby!"

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Thirty-Six, The Finale, Part One: I think I need to reconceptualize this entire title!

Last time, Anthony used his viscera all wrong and Emilio thought he won another challenge, although there was no official winner. Mila and Jay are forced to get married and seek couples counseling.

This week, Heidi tells the designers they will have $9,000 and four months to make a ten-piece collection:

Heidi: "Now I'd like to introduce someone to whom all of you except Emilio have become very close."

Tim: "Hello, my dear friends. And Emilio. I'm going to be visiting you in about two months to tell you you're doing everything wrong."

First, Tim visits Seth Aaron in Vancouver:

Tim: "Ah, it's so nice to be in Canada! Wow, Vancouver is so much smaller than I imagined."

Seth Aaron: "This isn't Canada. This is the state of Washington."

Tim: "Well, let me tell you about the terrible state Washington is in. Republicans and Democrats are practically deadlocked. It's a mess. You're lucky to be here in Canada."

Seth Aaron: "This is Vancouver, Washington."

Tim: "What are you talking aboot? Don't be a hoser, eh? Let's go get some donuts at Tim Hortons."

Seth Aaron: "Stop that! This isn't Canada!"

Tim finally gets a look at the clothes:

Seth Aaron: "I've made fifty versions of the exact same outfit."

Tim: "Amazing! I've never seen anything like it. Now throw all of it out."

Tim is forced to endure a game of Pictionary, which apparently they still play in Canada:

Seth Aaron: "For the last time, this is not Canada!"

OK! Geez, Canadians can be so touchy! Anyway, they play Pictionary and, fortunately, nobody has to draw a windmill ("Community" joke). However, Seth Aaron's daughter tries to draw a stethoscope and Tim guesses:

Tim: "Fallopian tubes?"

Oh, Tim. Kids today don't need to worry their pretty little heads about things like fallopian tubes. All they need to know is to wear their promise rings until they get married to someone of the opposite sex and then they can go pick up their babies at the hospital. Just like it says in the Bible.

Next, Tim visits Emilio (Kaiser) Sosa in the Bronx. His collection is looking awful, to be perfectly frank. He designed another print with his name on it, which is actually really pretty, but seriously, who the hell would want to wear that?

Tim: "I just have one suggestion. Start over."

Then Tim goes to the dreaded Los Angeles to visit Mila in a lovely little Ikea showroom. Obviously, she is doing an all black and white collection. The only bits of color are in an aubergine fabric that is so dark and grey it's barely a color, and her cute Dalmatian, which is bright pink with orange spots.

Tim: "I love it! Change everything!"

Finally, Tim goes to San Francisco to visit Jay, who has decided that he has already beat Mila and is only competing against Seth Aaron and Emilio:

Tim: "Q'est que what?"

Jay makes a ball comment that I couldn't quite make out. He either said that he has bigger balls than Mila, which seems unlikely, or that the ball is in his court, which doesn't make sense, either, since he's just said he isn't even bothering to play ball with her. His collection gives new meaning to the term "overworked."

Tim: "Terrific! Now, just reconceptualize the entire collection."

Tim has dinner with Jay's family and he is served a special treat: Rice-a-Roni. Ooh, I love Rice-a-Roni!

Finally, it's fashion week and it's time for the big showdown between Mila and Jay:

Jay: "Hi."

Mila: "Hi."

Jay: "This is weird."

Mila: "It's nice."

Jay: "Yeah. I like it when you aren't a total bitch."

Mila: "Thank you, Jay. That means a lot to me."

Jay: "I'm just going to rise above all the unnecessary drama I created in my head."

Good idea. They are joined by Seth Aaron and Emilio. Then Tim drops by for a visit:

Tim: "Jay, Mila, and Seth Aaron, it is so good to see you. Hi Emilio."

Tim gives his final words of advice before the designers go to sleep:

Tim: "Please use the Westin Heavenly Beds thoughtfully."

The next day, Jay and Mila find out they only have three hours to dress and style three models, two of whom may not fit any of their clothes. Oh, and one of the randomly assigned models is Holly Kiser, the winner of the first season of Make Me a Supermodel. I'm starting to suspect they didn't actually make her a supermodel.

On to the runway. Heidi looks really strange. What's different about her?

Heidi: "I'm not pregnant. Oops. Spoke too soon."

The runway show was not very exciting. I can't believe those were their three best pieces. Maybe they just chose whatever fit the models. Anyway, Mila's looks were cute. Her cocktail dress was pretty, although Holly looked like she was choking to death. Jay, as usual, showed some nice pants. His looks were definitely not retro. They were also not nearly as original and innovative as he seemed to think they were.

The judges have a tough decision to make:

Michael: "I'm on Team Jay!"

Heidi: "I'm on Team Mila!"

Nina: "I'm going to let you two fight it out and then agree with the winner. That way it looks like I'm always right."

Mila wins the third spot in the final.

Nina: "I told you so."

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode 12: Eviscerated!

Last week a ton of crap happened: Maya quit, Anthony came back, Valeria quit, Cerri came back, Emelio and Anthony won the challenge, Jonathan was sent home, and then Cerri was out again.

This week the designers are somehow transported back to the 1980s, when dressing like a circus freak was cool:

Tim Gunn: "What is this? Some kind of hot tub time machine?"

Yes. That's exactly what this is. And my viscera is just not feeling inspired by this episode at all:

Anthony: "Sing it, sister."

So the designers get a private performance from Cirque du So Lame, otherwise known as "the smallest show on earth," and then they go make clown clothes.

Back in the design room, Emilio is quickly losing his mind:

Emilio: "All hail Emilio, king of the designers!"

Tim: "Excuse me, your highness, but your dress needs more color."

Emilio: "Uh, did you not get the memo about worshiping me?"

So, Tim and Emilio get into this huge fight, with Emilio scratching at Tim with his fingernails and Tim swinging a broken beer bottle around. Finally, the other designers break up the fight and Emilio apologizes for being a jackass and Tim promises to stop coming in to work drunk and then he continues on his rounds of the design room:

Seth Aaron announces that he is making a top hat and the response is the sound of crickets.

Anthony is letting his viscera take over:

Anthony: "I have my good viscera on one shoulder and my bad viscera on the other shoulder and they keep telling me different things."

Jay tells us that a lot of people believe in him, even though he is obviously imaginary.

Mila is just quietly doing her work:

Jay: "God, I'm so sick of that evil bitch."

Yes, but what do you think of her designs?

Jay: "I hate her designs. And that's my completely objective, unbiased opinion based purely on the fact that I hate her as a person."

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "This is a big day for all of us. Especially for all of you. Actually, it isn't a big day for me at all. Forget I said anything. Oh, but please remember to use the Bluefly wall thoughtfully. Just this once."

Heidi introduces the judges:

Michael Kors:

Michael: "Hi, guys."

Nina Garcia:

Michael: "Release the Cracken!"

Nina: "Will you please stop saying that every time Heidi introduces me?! It's not funny anymore! I swear to god, I'd punch you in the balls if you had any!"

Jay - He made a really great pant and a top inspired by a band jacket. It was probably the most wearable outfit on the runway but the circus inspiration was clearly there

Mila - She made a big black and white jacket with a ridiculous collar and pink and yellow accents

Anthony - blech. This awful dress looks like it's made out of viscera

Emilio - He made a beautiful gown. The judges love it.

Seth Aaron - He made almost the same outfit Mila made, but his is even more ridiculous. It's straight out of Dr. Seuss. Having said that, I have to agree with the judges: for some reason, I like it more than Mila's

Anthony is booted without a second thought for his terrible blue condom of a dress:

Heidi: "$300 worth of viscera? Are you kidding me?"

Mila and Jay will be making collections but will have to fight to the death next week to see who will present at Bryant Park alongside Emilio and Seth Aaron.

Emilio has the favorite look and will have immunity in the final episode:

Emilio: "All hail Emilio!"

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Eleven: Rock out with your Glock out!

Lifetime: "Stay tuned for the most shocking event in Project Runway history! Isn’t the suspense killing you? Everyone already knows Maya will be leaving the show. But why? Why does she leave? You’ll just have to watch the episode and find out! No, stop begging me to tell you what happens. I know you’re dying to find out but I’m not telling you. Watch the episode. So exciting! . . . Oh, alright, I’ll tell you. She just quits."

Oh, my god! Why would Lifetime do that? I spent all week trying NOT to find out why Maya left. Why give that away before the episode even starts?

Anyway, last week Emelio won and Anthony was sent home. Jonathan pulled an Emilio and blamed his near loss on his model, causing Cerri to be sent home.

Heidi introduces this week’s challenge:

Heidi: “This week you will be designing for a celebrity. I can’t tell you who it is but I can say that this celebrity has a reputation for speaking in a German accent and being constantly pregnant. Also, this celebrity is a total bitch! Ha ha ha! See, I can say that because I’m talking about myself. Oops.”

So, yeah, the secret celebrity is Heidi and the designers will be making her a red carpet look.

Heidi: “And I’ll be modeling all the looks but I’m giving birth in the morning so I won’t have this baby bump by tomorrow afternoon. Keep that in mind.”

Now, a “red carpet look” can mean almost anything, depending of the event, but the pictures we are shown from Heidi’s dossier indicate that the designers should probably be creating very glamorous gowns.

The designers start working and Maya, in her very calm and quiet way, completely freaks out. She tells Tim that she just isn’t ready to make a collection. She is worried that a bad collection will hurt her, so she’d rather not take that risk. We are shown a clip from several weeks ago, in which Nina tells her that her work is referential and the guest judge tells her that if her collection isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread, her career will instantly be over. Obviously, that clip has been running on a loop inside her head. Oh, please.

Emilio: “That is such a Cop Out, which, by the way, is the best buddy movie since Turner and Hooch. I highly recommend it.”

I completely agree with Emilio. Well, I haven’t actually seen Cop Out, but I agree with him about Maya. Throwing away such an amazing opportunity is really pathetic.

Seth Aaron: “You have no idea what it’s like! You have no right to sit at home and judge Maya for leaving! F@#k off!”

Oh, my god, it's like Seth Aaron is speaking directly to me from the television! And he's right. I’m not there so I don’t know what it’s like. I have no right to judge. And yet, I totally will. Deal with it.

The designers go to Mood and then start working.

Jonathan decides that since the judges disliked his work in the last challenge, he will just ignore the fact that the judges have sometimes liked his work. Obviously, he needs to create something really, really crappy because that is what the judges want. What a Cop Out.

Emilio: “Go see that film!”

Anthony returns!

Seth Aaron: “Don’t sit at home and judge! They had to bring someone back! It’s just like a football game!”

A really really gay football game.

Seth Aaron’s model, Valeria, decides at the last minute to take the Donna Karen job she had been offered. After making a huge scene at the last model selection by announcing her dedication to Seth Aaron and saying she turned down the job, she has now changed her mind, leaving him in the lurch after he already started making a gown to her measurements.

Heidi makes her rounds in the design room. She shows Jay what breasts look like. Who knew? She gives Jonathan some bad advice:

Jonathan: "Heidi told me to make this really twisty, drapey dress, which will be completely impossible to do. So I'm going to do that and then blame her for the terrible results."

That's a total Cop Out (in theaters now). His client gave him her opinion but it's up to him as the designer to translate it into something that will work. And, while I think his first dress would have been better than his final look, I can understand why Heidi wasn't loving it. I'm a fan of his cut-work but it really wasn't working on that upholstery fabric he was using.

Anthony makes a dedication:

Anthony: "I'd like to thank Jesus for making Maya freak out and leave."

Tim gives his regularly scheduled plug:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall sporadically."

The guest judge this week is Jessica Alba, who is appearing in the new film Cop Out. What? She's not in it? Are you sure? Have you actually seen it? I didn't think so.

Another disappointing runway. Three perfectly fine and thoroughly boring red carpet gowns and three really weird cocktail dresses that don't fit the challenge at all.

Jay - Jay likes big butts and he cannot lie. Those other judges can deny.

Mila - She misunderstood the challenge and made a dress for the Real Housewives of Project Runway.

Seth Aaron - This was not a very interesting gown, but, for some reason, I thought it looked really good. However, it was completely wrong for Heidi.

Jonathan - What a mess.

Emilio - A perfectly executed, completely uninteresting gown.

Anthony - The judges are all over the place on this one. While Heidi loves it, Jessica thinks it's beautiful. Michael thinks it's great, but Nina says it's stunning. There seems to be no consensus.

The designers leave so the judges can discuss. Nina explains that Jonathan's dress is like a vampire: it won't photograph or show up in a mirror. Heidi explains why Anthony is there:

Heidi: "Anthony was let go. Due to the recession, we had to cut back on the designers last week. But Maya decided the pressure of the show was too much for her and left."

Jessica: "Competing on this show is hard, but it's nothing compared to the real world."

OK, first of all, Jessica Alba doesn't know what it's like to compete on this show. Secondly, Jessica Alba does not live in the real world. Having said that, I completely agree with her:

Seth Aaron: "Well, both you and Jessica Alba can f@#k off!"

Heidi announces the results:

Heidi: "We don't have a winner for this challenge."

As it should be. The looks are all completely inappropriate or boring.

Heidi: "We have two winners!"

Son of a bitch.

Emilio and Anthony both win. Congratulations. They were both pretty dresses.

Jonathan is out. He blames his loss on the fact that the other designers had much more time to complete their looks than he did. What a Cop Out. Not as big a Cop Out as quitting, though. Or naming two winners for no reason. That was a total Cop Out.

Seth Aaron: "F@#k off! You have no right to judge the judges!"

This Eric3000 post was brought to you by Cop Out (rated R for excessive terribleness), starring Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, and possibly Jessica Alba. "Two thumbs up," raves Kevin Smith.

Project Runway, Season Seven, Episode Ten: The fabric of our lives!

Vivienne Tam: "I'm Vivienne Tam, and Windows 7 was my idea."

Whatever. Previously on Project Runway, Seth Aaron and Emilio won and we lost Amy:

Jonathan: "I can't believe we lost Amy! I did everything medically possible to save her. Oh, the humanity!"

Calm down, Jonathan. I'm sure she's in a better place. In model news, the models had a rare opportunity to experiment with make-up and get drunk and then Holly was sent home.

We start this episode with Anthony telling us he's going home this week. Well . . . not in so many words, but you get the idea. The designers go to the work room and Tim tells them about this week's challenge:

Tim: "Designers, you've all dreamed about creating your own textile. Well, keep dreaming, because you certainly aren't going to get a chance to do that here. Instead, you will have the opportunity to create a design that will be printed onto a horrible, stiff cotton twill that is really more appropriate for drapes or upholstery than for clothing. Vivienne Tam is here to sell you a computer."

Vivienne Tam: "A while back, I was taking a shower in a cab outside a cafe and I thought, You know, computers should be more personal! So I called HP and now I can make butterfly fabric! It was my idea!"

OK, so the printing technology could be the same, but Vivienne doesn't just print out her designs onto any random fabric; I'm sure she actually selects fabrics that will work with the print and the clothes she's making. And even then, printing a picture onto fabric isn't the same as creating a textile. Don't get me wrong; it's a fun challenge. I just don't think it's quite what every designer spends his or her career dreaming about. And really, why that awful cotton fabric?

Tim: "It's the fabric of our lives."

Of course. So, the designers start making their garments using paper printouts that are perfect substitutes for the awful fabric they'll be getting the next day. Anthony entertains the other designers with sad stories about his life:

Anthony: "So I was on Oprah talking about how my mother coughs in church and of course I was totally overshadowed by Beyonce, who was talking about how she lost her job and then Oprah starts giving away cars, and I'm all, Hey, my uncle is addicted to porn!"

Jay: "I just love Anthony and his funny stories! Too bad he's going home."

Mila: "Yeah, Anthony always makes me laugh. I'm really going to miss him when he's sent home this week."

Anthony: "Everyone always laughs, even when I'm telling sad stories. I don't understand."

I can totally relate. I tell a tragic story about my house being destroyed and everybody thinks it's hilarious. What is wrong with people?

Oh, wait! Seth Aaron is on the phone talking to his wife! NOOOOOOO! Hang up that phone! OK, he wasn't crying too much so maybe it's a false alarm. That was a close one!

Tim: "Designers, please use the Bluefly wall sarcastically."

Before we start the runway, let's try to guess which garment will be referred to as a disco straightjacket!

Heidi introduces the judges. She's dressed in a shiny chainmail top:

Michael: "It's like a disco straightjacket!"

Sorry, no. Wrong garment.

Seth Aaron - He made another hot look. It's the same silhouette he makes every week, but it looks good. His print was a little drawing inset in a windowpane pattern.

Jonathan - He made a dress with a little jacket. The dress is pretty. The fabric pattern is almost cute close up, but from a few feet away all you can see is little polka dots, which is kind of boring. The jacket is a weird color and has a stupid gold collar but I don't have any problem with the fact that it closes at the back:

Michael: "It's like a disco straightjacket."

Yes, that's it! Congratulations, Michael!

Maya - She made a little dress. I love the orange and black print! However, I hate the dress. The black, fluffy panel all the way down the front is kind of gross. It looks furry.

Emilio - He made a simple little dress with a cool black jacket. His print is pretty great. He used his initials and Seth Aaron's initials with a little heart! That's so sweet! No, seriously, it's a Keith Haring-inspired print incorporating his name, which was appropriate for this challenge.

Mila - She made a mind-blowingly awful maxi dress that doesn't allow any room for moving your legs, making it impossible to participate in certain activities, such as walking. Brandise somehow gets blamed for not being able to walk in this. But it was like a hobble skirt:

Michael: "It's like a disco straightjacket."

No, Michael. You can stop that now.

Anthony - He made another simple black dress with some decoration stuck on it. It didn't look well made, it didn't feature his print very well, and his print was boring.

Jay - He made a pretty hideous outfit in black and neon green. His print was so unimaginative.

The judges tell Jay his outfit looks like a gay Christmas ornament so he leaves to change his pants. Emilio, Seth Aaron, and Maya are the top three. Mila, Anthony, and Jonathan are the bottom three. Michael makes Jonathan cry by saying his print looks like a dirty tablecloth. Nina says the outfit makes her sad:

Jonathan: "But isn't sadness an emotion?"

Michael: "You're right, Jonathan. Sadness is an emotion. You win. Your outfit is fantastic."

Oh, my god. Who wants to wear a sad outfit? I didn't hate his look this week but I really wanted to see him go home after that judging session.

Emilio wins! Congratulations, Emilio!

Michael: "I want that dress in every color!"

Anthony is out. Sorry Anthony. We'll miss you.

Anthony: "I may not have a crown, but if America has learned anything this season, it's that I'm a huge queen."

Project Runway, Season Seven, Episode 9 1/2: The Designer Who Shagged Me!

Dear readers, many of you (two, to be exact) asked about my intense hatred of Garnier that I mentioned in last week's post. Although I've signed a confidentiality agreement, I've decided to share my terrible experience with you, in the hope that it doesn't happen again. Here's the story:

A while back, a gang of young attractive people with gorgeous hair were horsing around on my property (you know -- laughing, running around in slow motion, etc., as young attractive people with gorgeous hair are wont to do). I kept yelling "Get off my lawn, you filthy hippies!" but they wouldn't listen. One of the young women had incredibly long, luxurious hair because she obviously uses Garnier Fructise products, and, as a prank, some of her friends tied her hair to a railing while she was distracted by a dandelion. Well, because her hair was so strong (in addition to being very thick and shiny and completely free of split ends), when she turned and ran after the others, she tore the entire railing off the front porch of my house and the roof collapsed!

I'm grateful nobody was hurt! But because of Garnier, my house sustained over $170,000 in damage. The insurance wouldn't cover it because my contract has an exclusion for damage caused by natural botanicals (I urge you to check the fine print on your policies ASAP). After repeated requests, the people at Garnier still refuse to reimburse me for the damage. So I'm taking this opportunity to air my complaint in public and ask Garnier once again to do what's right and accept responsibility for creating hair so healthy it's dangerous. Thank you.

Anyway, last week Jonathan won and Ben went home. In model news, nothing happened and I think Alison was out.

We start the challenge with Heidi telling the designers that she is in a New York state of mind:

Anthony: "I don't know what that means, so I'm certainly not going to waste my energy thinking until I absolutely have to. Thinking is hard."

This week Collier Strong will be doing the infomercial and he will be selling us L'Oreal cosmetics. Have your credit cards handy!

Collier Strong: "Studio Secret Professional Line allows all women to get professional results at home. In conclusion: bullshit."

For some reason, that didn't bother me nearly as much as last week's infomercial. It was somehow less intrusive.

The designers are working in four teams of two and they will be venturing out into the neighborhoods of New York City. Coincidentally, there are exactly four neighborhoods in New York City:

East Dead Duck in a Window: Anthony and Maya have this neighborhood and they are inspired by the bright colors (i.e. black), crepe paper dragons, and buildings.

Snootyville: Amy and Jonathan have this neighborhood and they are inspired by the complete lack of color (i.e. bright orange), wrought iron, and buildings.

Clintontown: Emilio and Seth Aaron have this neighborhood and they are inspired by church, fried chicken, liquor, and old ladies in jeans. Just like every challenge.

Crack Village: Jay and Mila have this neighborhood and they are inspired by all the stuff that is old and new and borrowed and blue.

Emilio is from New York so if he doesn't win this challenge it will be a huge disappointment for him and his people. Who are Emilio's "people"?

Emilio: "People who wear hats."

Oh, right. You don't want to let them down.

Emilio didn't want to work with Mila so he picked Seth Aaron, which left Jay and Mila as teammates. For some reason, Emilio seems to think this makes him some sort of evil genius:

Emilio: "When Emilio gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die!"

His evil "plan" does seem to be working, though. Jay and Mila are not an ideal team:

Jay: "I want to do something modern but from the past. A jacket with a super-elaborate pant. Lines to create texture. A short, like, jumper."

Mila: "Right. Black and white color blocking. Got it."

Although there is some concern about under-bus throwing, the designers are mostly doing individual looks and, therefore, don't have much opportunity to turn on each other.

Tim: "Designers, remember to use the Bluefly wall audaciously."

On to the runway, where Francisco Costa is filling in for Michael. I think we can live without Michael for one week, but I was sure we had been promised that he and Nina would be here for every challenge. The guest judge is some blond woman, whose qualification is that she is supposedly "fashionable."

Maya - She (in collaboration with Anthony) made a gold and black jacket (apparently based on a pagoda) and skirt with red inserts. It's nice, if a little boring.

Anthony - He (in collaboration with Maya) made a black dress with gold detailing pasted on the front. The accordion detail is very cool, and if they had done anything -- ANYTHING -- other than just pasting it onto a boring black dress, I would have been impressed. As it is, I hated it. I was surprised this team was in the top two.

Jay - He made a pretty cool jodhpur-style pant and a pretty awful black and red tank. He assisted the judges by saying his tank "tanked." Have we really come to this point in the judging where the designers are left to mock their own garments?

Mila - She made a cool black and white jacket over a short dress. The judges seem to like it a lot but she's at the bottom because of Jay's look.

Amy - She made a pretty orange top with lots of pleating detail over black leggings. The orange and black doesn't work and the look has no relation to Snootyville.

Jonathan - He made a long gown that was almost elegant but looked too busy.

Seth Aaron - He made a great denim outfit (with helpful input from Emilio). It was close to being a costume and I agree with Nina that a little editing would have greatly improved it, but it was still a really stunning look.

Emilio - He made a gown (in black or really dark blue) with green lining and front zipper detail. It was made really well, but I found it a little boring. Still, he was a good team leader.

Emilio and Seth Aaron both win the challenge! Congratulations!

Tim: "That's a Project Runway first! Also a Project Runway last."

Amy is out. That's too bad. She's done some really good work and I thought her look for this challenge was almost cute. But she completely missed the mark on her inspiration. The other thing that comforts me is the fact that she should have been sent home last week. There, I feel better.

Poor Emilio wasn't able to fully execute his evil plan to get rid of Jay or Mila:

Emilio: "You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!"

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Eight: remember, designers, hair is important!

What the hell just happened? This season was going so well and then we are suddenly in a gruesome head-on collision with product placement. I can accept the ubiquitous sponsor tie-ins, but when the entire challenge becomes an advertisement for hair products, it's not surprising that the actual designing goes out the window.

In model news, Heidi organized a pool party, that was big on "pool" and decidedly lacking in "party." Alexis was finally eliminated, after doing all of our heads in and having inappropriate relationships with trees. And I'm suddenly feeling very protective of Holly because of the douchy way Emilio treated her:

Emelio: "Holly is such a fantastic model, I think other designers should have the opportunity to work with her. That's the kind of generous person I am."

HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY HOLLY THAT WAY!!

Emelio: "Well, if she hadn't been such an Amazon woman, I would have had enough materials."

So, if she had been a couple of inches shorter you would have been able to make a dress?

Emelio: "Maybe."

What a douche.

Anyway, last week Jay won immunity and Jesse was eliminated. We start the episode with Emilio telling us he needs therapy because he was so traumatized by going to a hardware store. And Mila tells us about the connection between her and Maya:

Mila: "We have such a bond even though I'm twice her age. She's forty, right?"

In one of the boys' apartments, Seth Aaron, Anthony, Ben, and Jay talk about how great it is that the four of them are still together:

Jay: "You guys are the wind beneath my wings. We support each other like Spanx."

One of them will be going home this week. Duh.

The designers go up to the roof of the Atlas apartments to learn about this week's total bullshit challenge:

Tim: "Designers, look at New York City. I won't do the Earth, Wind & Fire joke because I'm pretty sure we've already done this challenge. Whatever. This is Philip Carreon."

Philip Carreon: "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, Garnier. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, hair-care products. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, natural ingredients. In conclusion, bullshit."

Well, that's what I heard, anyway.

The designers pick their elements and then immediately get to work completely ignoring them:

Ben: "I picked water but I hate water so I'm doing a shark."

Emelio: "I picked earth and my model is a woman of color so I'm going to make a dress that will look good on her and has absolutely nothing to do with the challenge."

Anthony: "I chose fire so I'm going to make a grey dress because my pastor's house burned down."

Seth Aaron: "I have air but I hate the sky so I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want."

Before Tim makes his rounds, the designers have to endure an extended Garnier commercial, with Philip Carreon demonstrating his amazing technique of spraying hairspray at a model's head. What a shear friggin' genius.

Ben calls his husband and talks about how much he misses him. That was a mistake. Now they have to send him home.

On to the runway, with some French guy as the guest judge.

Maya - She made a pretty dress that looks like it's inspired by water. She actually followed the instructions of the challenge. How strange. Anyway, the judges like it but don't think it's original. And the Garnier hair looks like crap.

Jay - He made an outfit with pants and a flowing chiffon top. I guess I get the air inspiration, but the outfit is really kind of ugly. Again, the hair is awful.

Ben - He made a white suit that really wasn't bad. Obviously, it could have fit better, but I liked some of the design details. I didn't get "water" from it, but I could kind of see the shark inspiration.

Anthony - He made a nice gray and black dress. I guess I get the smoke reference. But I wanted to see "fire." Anthony calls his model a Clydesdale. As a compliment.

Mila - She made an outfit with a vest, pant, and top. I see the mineral influence in the vest, representing "earth." But the look is boring. I do like the hair, though.

Jonathan - He made a beautiful little dress. I love the cut and layered fabric. It definitely has an airy quality. I finally see where gritty meets pretty. I'm a little sick of hearing about "pale people" and I don't think matching Cerry's skin tone by putting her in cream and peach is quite the big friggin' deal everyone made it out to be. But I love the dress. and the hair works.

Amy - It's really not that bad. OK, I'm totally joking. It's complete shit, from concept through execution. For the sake of argument, let's say the top had stayed up the way she wanted and the hair looked better. Are you picturing it? Still shit. It's still a black body stocking topped by one of those cones you put on your dog after surgery. I understand she wanted to represent fire by having an explosion of hair, but the garment itself needed to have some fire reference.

Emilio - He made a greenish dress to represent earth. Does he even want to be here?

Seth Aaron - He made a beautifully tailored jacket that had nothing to do with the challenge.

The judges rip Ben a new one:

Heidi: "If you don't know how to make a shark, you shouldn't make a shark. This looks like the first shark you've ever made."

They go easier on Amy, even though hers is clearly a million times worse:

Michael: "It looks like a barmaid serving her chest hair to a cat in a sling."

Nina: "I think I'm gonna puke."

Jonathan wins! Congratulations, Jonathan!

Jonathan: "Go, pale people!"

Oh, shut up.

Ben is out. Whatever.

Ben: "Gee, you're grumpy this week."

Sorry. I just really hate Garnier. They know why.

Project Runway Lucky Season Sleven, Episode Sleven!

Once again, the title of my post is just a pointless reference to a movie I know nothing about. You're welcome.

Tim: "This is the first time in Project Runway history that the season number and the episode number are the same!"

Nope. There's one of these in every season.

Tim: "Well, it's the first time this season!"

That's true.

So, last week we all watched the Olympics and were reminded that every famous person in the United States is actually from Canada. The week BEFORE that, Janeane was finally put out of our misery and sent home.

In model news, Cerry informs us that she is not a child lover, to which I can only say ... um ... good?

Cerry: "I was acquitted."

Meanwhile, Megan is out but she thinks that because she and Heidi started modeling at the same age, she can expect to have Heidi's career:

The Late Senator Lloyd Millard Bentsen, Jr.: "Megan, I served with Heidi Klum. I knew Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum was a friend of mine. Megan, you are no Heidi Klum."

And that's how Hillary Clinton almost became President of the United States. Or something like that. Anyway, back to Megan:

Megan: "I really got along so well with my little girl model. We have so much in common. We both love ponies and the color pink and we're both majorly addicted to black tar heroin."

We start this episode with the designers telling us they are the top ten, which means there are only zero challenges left before ALL of them will go to Bryant Park. You do the math.

Mila: "It's really empowering to know that Maya, Amy, and I are the strongest women here."

You're the only women there.

Mila: "Bummer."

Seth Aaron has immunity so we won't see much of him this episode. Jay, however, tells us his life story so he's either going to win or be sent home:

Jay: "My life has been so hard! I went to a community college in Hawaii! COMMUNITY COLLEGE, PEOPLE!"

Look, I went to a community college in Hawaii for a semester. It's hardly a tragedy.

The designers go on a field trip:

Tim: "This episode will have a lot of banging. Speaking of something that's seen a lot of banging, let me introduce you to a familiar face."

Michael Kors: "Thank you, Tim. Designers, I want you to push the envelope, think outside the box, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, and be all that you can be. Now, get out of my store."

The designers go to the world's most expensive hardware store, where $150 won't even buy you enough washers to cover an eight-foot-tall woman.

Amy couldn't be more excited. However, she could sound a little more excited. In fact, any emotion at all would be an improvement.

Emilio doesn't like this challenge because he's such a great designer and he doesn't do crafty things:

Emilio: "In other words, I'm a total pain in the ass."

The designers get to work. Jesse wants someone to crash a burn:

Jesse: "But not in a mean way."

Of course. Jesse wants someone to crash and burn in a nice way. Anthony thinks everybody's garment looks tortured. Jonathan says his dress is Veronica Lake meets C3PO, which was actually in the original script of Phantom Menace but had to be cut to allow for more scenes of Jar Jar Binks. Seth Aaron tells Emilio that his garment is interesting:

Emilio: "Whatever. I'm a little busy over here being a great designer and an even greater pain in the ass."

Tim gives his last words of advice:

Tim: "Whatever you do, don't use the goddamn Bluefly wall."

On to the runway, where we have two guest judges, for some reason: fashion designer Isabel Toledo, and jewelry designer Stephen Webster. Keep in mind the criteria for judging this week are innovation, creativity, and point of view. You'll be quizzed on that later.

Mila - She made a striking black and white dress out of pieces of plastic. It used materials creatively and was all about her point of view. She is deservedly in the top three.

Jesse - He made a silver bubble dress that the judges likened to a big Hershey's kiss or a dirty vacuum bag. It was not attractive or very creative. But, worst of all, it showed no point of view.

Jonathan - He made a copper dress that managed to move well. It wasn't amazing but it was kind of pretty and he's safe.

Anthony - He made a purple mini-dress covered in mesh. The judges thought he played it safe. Michael thought it looked like a cheap prom dress. In my opinion "cheap prom dress" thoroughly describes Anthony's point of view. So I think he hit this one out of the park.

Ben - He made a shapeless, stiff, completely unwearable copper dress. In concept and execution, I thought it was just as bad as Jesse's. However, the shape did manage to show Ben's point of view so he's safe.

Emilio - He made a bikini out of washers. I would have given him points for creativity if it weren't for the fact that this is the EXACT SAME CRAPPY GARMENT WENDY PEPPER MADE out of Life Savers in the first season.

Jay - He made a fantastic pair of pants and belt out of trash bags. He's not out, so I guess that means he's going to win.

Seth Aaron - Homemade lady-robot Halloween costume. Another one that's almost as bad as Jesse's but has a little Seth Aaron personality so he's safe.

Amy - She made a pretty sandpaper dress.

Maya - She made a cool silver sheath dress under a net jacket with a huge collar. She also made a beautiful necklace out of keys. If we had gotten her life story this week instead of Jay's, I would have picked her as the winner.

Emilio could hear people's jaws drop when his awful Wendy Pepper rip-off went down the runway:

Emilio: "I don't know if it's because they thought it was amazing or because they are wondering what the hell just happened."

Let me clear it up for you: the second one.

Jay wins! Congratulations, Jay!

Mila accepts her silver medal and then posts on her website that it's actually platinum.

Jesse is out. Sorry, Jesse. You did some good work, but your lack of a point of view did you in this week.

Now a message from our sponsor:

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Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Six: National Bring Your Daughters to the Work Room Day!

Heidi: "I brought in eleven of my children to be models in this challenge. I'm pretty sure I have more at home. I had some boys, right?"

Awwww! They're adorable!

Tim: "And they're real girls! With real curves!"

Right. Anyway, last week Anthony won with a dress I didn't love but accept as being very appropriate for the challenge. Anna was eliminated for an outfit that was not as ugly as Janeane's but was so boring it was like being hit in the face by an episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Anna: "I've never made three pieces before."

Are you sure? Because this was the fifth challenge, so it seems like you must have made more than three pieces.

Anna: "No, I mean I had never made three pieces that went together before."

Oh. Well, you still haven't.

In model news, Kasey is out and Alexis could be genuinely crazy. Alexis tells everyone that she had this hilarious dream about Megan getting really fat. Shockingly, Megan is annoyed:

Alexis: "Well, I just looked it up and it turns out that dreaming about someone getting fat means prosperity! Not for Megan, of course. She'll just get fat. But the important thing is I'll be rich!"

We start the episode with Janeane being about as upbeat as possible, for her:

Janeane: "I had an amazing opportunity last week and, of course, I blew it."

That's the spirit, Janeane!

Heidi introduces us to her girls and the designers inform us that children are often smaller than adults and they are really frightening. Also, some of the designers don't have children:

Jonathan: "I had my tubes tied."

In the design room, Mila pretends that she's getting along with the other designers:

Mila: "It's so hilarious that everyone is mocking me for always using color blocking in my designs! Ooh, look at me; I only know how to do one thing! Ha ha! See? I'm totally in on the joke!"

Yeah, that wasn't uncomfortable at all. Good for Mila!

After a day of working on outfits for the little girls, Tim tells the designers they will have one more day to make a corresponding look for their adult models.

So, the designers are working and it's Anthony's turn to annoy everyone with his jabbering:

Anthony: "So my mom was coughing in church and everyone was all 'Who is that coughing in church?' and so my mom was all 'Maybe I should stop coughing in church' and then everyone went home and had lunch."

The other designers surgically remove Anthony's vocal cords.

On the day of the runway, the little girls are running around the work room, making little outfits and styling each other and basically demonstrating more talent and creativity than most of the designers:

Jonathan: "It's like Three Mile Island in here!"

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall theoretically."

On to the runway with guest judge Tory Burch:

Anthony - He made two perfectly nice dresses that were not very interesting and didn't seem to have anything to do with each other.

Amy - Weird. The little girl's outfit was cute but the adult outfit was inexplicable. The adult look was more juvenile than the children's look. Also, the girl was dressed for fall and the adult was dressed for spring.

Ben - He made two looks with his signature cap sleeves. I found both looks boring.

Seth Aaron - Oh, my god. Adorable. If he doesn't win this, I will renounce my U.S. citizenship and move to Canada.

Jesse - Both outfits are beautifully made and look good together. The asymmetry of the little girl's dress seemed completely random and the adult dress looked a bit too sexy for the challenge; but, other than that, I think he did a good job.

Jonathan - He used white ruffles for both dresses. The girl's dress isn't great, but I actually like the adult dress. As with Jesse's looks, I don't know where this mother and daughter would be going. A cocktail party?

Maya - She made two nice outfits with yellow jackets. I just don't like them together. The outfits look too similar and yet the yellows are off so that they clash with each other.

Mila - She made A-line color-blocked tunics that are pretty cute and look good together. The only thing I don't like is the print fabric trim on the little girl's dress.

Emilio - He made a really old-fashioned pink dress that you could buy almost anywhere and was way too young for his client. For his adult model, he made a pretty dress in a clashing shade of pink. I'm not impressed.

Janeane - Not that bad, really. But not good. The adult look isn't very well made and the little girl's dress looks like no effort went into it.

Jay - He made two cute purple and black outfits with ruffles. Very sophisticated. He did a great job.

Jay, Jesse, and Seth Aaron are the top three. Seth Aaron's child model loves the purse:

Nina: "THAT IS SO CUTE I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!"

And Nina's heart grew three sizes that day.

The bottom three are Amy, Janeane, and Jonathan. Michael thinks Jonathan's model, Brandise, looks like she's covered in toilet paper, which she really doesn't. It's actually a cute dress; just not completely appropriate for this challenge.

The judges think Amy's child model looks like she dressed in the dark and her adult model looks like a circus performer. Both are fair complaints. But there is one complaint that I don't get:

Tory Burch: "I don't think orange and blue are complementary."

Well, then you haven't taken a basic color theory class, where you would have learned that orange and blue are practically the definition of complementary colors. Dumb-ass.

Anyway, Jonathan and Amy are safe because they over-designed their garments. Janeane is out because she under-designed her garments. Sorry Janeane! We'll miss that positive attitude:

Janeane: "This won't be the last you'll see of me. I'm sure I'll be doing something in the future. It probably won't be very impressive, but I'll be doing something."

Seth Aaron wins! I guess I don't need to move to Canada. Well, there's always the midterm elections. Anyway, I'm officially throwing my support behind Seth Aaron. He's intelligent and well-spoken:

Tim: "And he smells nice!"

That's right, Tim! I think he's a designer the American people will vote for!