Project Runway All Stars Finale: The look of love!

Before we start the finale, we have a question from a viewer. Stephanie from Delaware wants to know Isaac’s number one piece of fashion advice:

Isaac: “Spend all your money on your hair. I mean it. Every damn penny. Clean out your retirement account, sell your house, pawn your jewelry, and spend all of it on your hair. You will not regret it.”

Stephanie from Delaware: “Uh, okay, but what about the rest of my outfit?”

Isaac: “Just get your clothes at Target. Trust me, Stephanie, nobody cares what you’re wearing.”

Sensible advice. Now let’s get back to the finale. We pick up the story with the three finalists, Austin, Mondo, and Michael, heading to the runway venue, the beautiful New York Hall, in downtown Gotham City.

The designers make their final adjustments. Michael’s models are causing him serious problems; one of them lost ten pounds in her right arm and gained ten pounds in her left arm. Another one of his models lost six inches from her waist. That’s just inconsiderate.

Joanna Coles very sweetly decides she needs to use a lint roller on Mondo, who, obviously, complains about it:

Mondo: “It’s just like having your aunt use a lint roller on you.”

So, what you’re saying is if I get my aunt to use a lint roller on me, I will know what it feels like to have Joanna Coles de-lint me? I think I speak for everyone when I say, I would like to give that a try. 

Time for the runway, with Angela, Georgina, Isaac, and guest judges Tommy Hilfiger and Martin Fry, lead singer of the 80s pop group ABC. Oh, my god, we love Martin Fry!

Austin comes out on stage to promote the new “Dark Shadows” movie:

Austin: “So this vampire from the 19th century, played by Johnny Depp, is suddenly transported to present day Williamsburg, where he gets his hair styled by his Hasidic dandy friends, and Helena Bonham Carter is probably in it but I’m not sure. Thank you.”

OK, I did not have high hopes for this collection. But he opened with a great look: crazy flared pink shorts. From the silhouette to the styling, I loved everything about it. It’s the most interesting thing Austin has ever made; the Erics are unanimous in that. His second look is an adorable little lace dress. It’s perfect. So far, I’m impressed. Is it possible he made a great collection? 

Well, no. The collection went downhill fast after the second look. The third look was boring and the red carpet gown was ridiculous. The black vinyl jumpsuit was fine, but the wedding dress was aggressively mediocre and had nothing to do with the rest of the collection. I just don't know who his customer is; a young, modern woman or an elderly drag queen? His collection was schizophrenic. I think it needs therapy.

And speaking of needing therapy:

Mondo: “After this season of Project Runway All Stars, I need therapy. No, I'm being serious. Why are you all laughing? This is a cry for help!”

I don't have much to say about Mondo’s collection. It was excellent. It was as fresh and fun as his previous collection, but possibly more sophisticated. As I noted in my previous post, the ink blot design is so last year, but he did it so well I don’t care. The weakest piece was his final dress; the fabric was cool but the design was a little blah. 

And speaking of a little blah:

Michael: “Hi, everybody. I didn’t realize I was supposed to prepare a speech. I would like to take you on a trip to see the Yeti, the mythical big foot creature of the North. Enjoy.”

what?

Michael: “Did I say the Yeti? I meant the Serengeti. Sorry, I’m really nervous. I just want this so bad.”

Michael made a beautiful, solid collection, but because it all blurred together for me, I’m just going to let Joanna do her play by play:

Joanna: “Look one -- very luxurious and comfortable. Look two -- those layering pieces are a designer’s bread and butter. Look three -- love those prints. Look four -- love the flats with that. Look five -- no comment. Look six -- this is the moment when they will know it’s you; this is the signature Michael dress. Michael, you rock. You’re the best. Everyone loves you. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can fly higher than an eagle. You are the wind beneath my wings.”

Oh, Joanna, you are so wonderful and supportive and full of crap. I love you!

Angela: “The winning designer will get the use of a studio for a year, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, a boutique at Neiman Marcus, and one hundred thousand dollars. That’s quite a package, Isaac!”

Isaac: “Thank you, Angela!”

Mondo wins. Big surprise. Congratulations, Mondo! As annoying as he’s been this season, I think he deserves it. Martin Fry is excited to have Mondo open his boutiques in Neiman Marcus. I can’t wait to see them; I think he’s the best choice for that prize. He will also probably make a good guest editor, if he takes a little Prozac.

Well, that’s the season. Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to a little blogging vacation, but I’ll be back this summer for the next season of Project Runway No Stars!

But before we go, the multi-talented Michael Costello would like to do an impression of Dave from “Happy Endings”:

Michael: “I’m Dave.”

Project Runway All Stars Season Finale, Part One: The Hunger Games!


Mondo: “I am so done eating. Over it.”

Austin: “But we haven’t even had dessert. I’m so hungry!”

Michael: “I want this so bad I can taste it. Are you gonna finish that?”

I’m assuming The Hunger Games is a reality show about being really hungry, right? So, we start our tale in the mythical city of New York, in a not-so-distant future where the Real Housewives franchise has merged with The Amazing Race. For the new hybrid show, fashion designers are sent as tribute from the different boroughs of the city to create mini-collections of five looks in four days for $3,000 and then fight to the death.

From the borough of Clinicaldepressionville we have Mondo and Mila, creating a collection based on therapy. They are using Rorschach ink blots, which would be a cool idea if we hadn’t just seen it on the last season of Project Runway.

From the borough of Kosher-Fragonardistan we have Austin and Anthony. They are creating a collection based on Marie Antoinette, punk rock, and Hasidic Jews. Which sounds totally awesome. Unfortunately, none of those references will be detectable in the collection.

And finally, from the borough of Why-Dear-God-Why? we have Michael and April, creating a resort collection based on an African safari.

Joanna: “I’ll tell you why. One third of all clothing sold globally is purchased by women who need long, flowing gowns to wear on safari.”

I find that hard to believe.

Joanna: “It says so in the most recent issue of Marie Claire, so it must be true.”

Oh, right, so speaking of that, the designers get to visit Joanna at her office:

Joanna: “Let me tell you about my typical work day. I get dressed in the most fabulous clothes and then I stand around in a glass case pointing at things and looking super important and hot as hell. I make people walk by and stare at me and then I see how long I can make them wait before they jump out a window. I love my job.”

Yeah, no kidding. So the designers get advice about creating a collection from Joanna, Angela, Georgina, and Isaac:

Joanna: “Theatricality in a collection is not mandatory.”

Angela: “Hi, guys!”

Georgina: “It’s perfectly normal to be suicidal all the time.”

Isaac: “I have one word for you: schadenfreude. Remember that.”

The designers process the information:

Michael: “I’m just going to sit back and soak this in.”

Mondo: “I’m just going to sit back and do nothing for the rest of the day.”

Austin: “I’m going to make a wedding dress!”

In the design room, Mondo is being a real pill:

Mondo: “I am in a foul mood.”

And he’s usually such a ray of sunshine. Well, it’s time for model selection. That should be fun. We’re ready for you, ladies.

Austin: “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t call us ladies. Even though I’m in full makeup and wearing a blouse, I would still prefer to be referred to as a gentleman.”

I was talking to the models.

Austin: “oh.”

Mondo and Austin fight over the models. It’s a fight to the death. Austin takes out a glove (you know he always has gloves with him at all times) and challenges Mondo to a duel. Michael is the second. They take ten paces, turn, raise their pistols, and …

Michael: “Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we flip a coin, instead!”

Oh, come on! We only watch this show for the violence! And the full frontal nudity! Oh, well.

The All Stars twist, otherwise known as a regular old twist, is that they have to make an extra look from the scraps from previous challenges this season. That’s a pretty fun challenge, though it obviously works better for some designers than for others. Mondo often mixes fabrics, so this should be easy for him. Michael, on the other hand, usually needs a lot of yardage of the same fabric, so he could have a hard time. However, this might be the kick in the pants Michael needs; it might force him to create something other than the same boring dress he makes for every challenge. I can hope, anyway.

Other than the designers trying to one-up each other about who had the worst childhood and who is going through the greatest personal challenges at the moment, not much happened this week. There was no runway and there were no home visits. Also, my laptop, which I previously reported as dying, completely died this week and I’m writing this at work, during my lunch break. So I have to go now. I’m glad we are almost done with the season.

Tune in next week when Mondo is declared the winner. Oops, did I just give that away?

Project Runway All Stars, episode ten: Cost me, baby, one more time!

This week Mondo goes through all the stages of grief: Fear, Denial, Bargaining, Wishy-Washyness, Anger, Obliviousness, Shock, Pissyness, Hoarding, Joy, and, finally, Acceptance.

Mondo: "I am emotionally drained."

I'm also starting to find Mondo a little exhausting. And there were way too many fights in this episode. About nothing:

Micheal: "Hey, Kenley, look at my sketch."

Kenley: "Wow, that is a beautiful sketch, Michael. You should teach Mondo how to sketch like that."

Mondo: "I heard that and it really hurt my feelings."

Kenley: "You can't hear me because you are standing all the way over there."

Mondo: "No, I can hear you."

Kenley: "That's impossible. You are too far away to hear me."

Mondo: "Trust me. I can hear you."

Kenley: "I don't know why you keep saying that. You obviously can't hear me. You are standing on the other side of the room."

Mondo: "What the hell is wrong with you? I'm telling you I can hear you."

Kenley: "Fine! You can hear me! What were we arguing about?"

Mondo: "I don't remember."

The challenge this week was fascinating. It was the first challenge this season that actually made sense. The designers had to make a garment that could be produced at a specific price point. And they worked with an actual coster, who determined exactly how much their design would cost to make and how much it would sell for. There have been challenges is the past in which the designers had to keep budget in mind, but I don't think they have ever gone into this much detail. I was a little surprised that they were going for a $300 to $500 price point, which seems like a lot, especially when you are creating garments you could get at H&M for about $19.95. I'm kidding, of course. They would cost $29.95.

So Kenley had a real advantage in this challenge, because she has done this type of costing before. She knew exactly what her garment would sell for, she knew exactly what the production costs would be, and she knew exactly what the fabrication would cost. So Kenley was sent home.

Sorry, Kenley! That dress was boring, but I'm sorry to see you go.

Austin and Michael were the middle two this week. Austin made a decent fuchsia swing coat and Michael made another pretty but boring dress that consists of two pieces of fabric stuck together in a way that prevents you from being able to wear a bra. Joanna is pulling her hair out. Michael promises he will get his point of view across. Which is great because more of Michael's point of view is exactly what nobody has been asking for.

The big deal this week is that Mondo can't sketch. He had no way to express his concept to the coster, which was a really important part of the challenge. Obviously, he won. So let's look at the sketch Mondo made this week:

Mondo: "See, it's a guy shooting another guy, who is saying, 'Ow' because it hurts."

Look, don't get me wrong, it's a great sketch. I think it's a powerful image that comments on the prevalence of gun violence in modern society. I'm just not sure it's an effective way to explain your idea for a dress. But what do I know? His dress was super-cute, by the way. Congratulations, Mondo!*

Just for fun, I am actually going to mention the purported host of the show, Angela. I have avoided her all season, so I think it's time to give her a say:

Angela: "I loved the color and I loved the shape. See, it says right here in my notes that I loved the color and I loved the shape. So it must be true."

The really sad thing is THAT'S THE MOST INTERESTING THING SHE HAS EVER SAID!

That's it. Tune in next week for the finale.

[The sketch was actually made by our friend's six-year-old while we were eating yogurt recently.]

Project Runway All Stars, episode nine: You light up my life. Sort of.

Let's get right to the challenge. Isaac comes out on stage wearing kind of an ugly skirt, but then he snaps his fingers and the studio goes dark and suddenly he lights up like Times Square on an acid trip:

Isaac: "Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!"

Yes. The challenge this week is to make an avant garde look that lights up and/or glows in the dark:

Joanna: "But, tell us, Isaac, what does avant garde mean?"

Isaac: "I'm glad you asked. It means something new."

Joanna: "It doesn't mean shocking?"

Isaac: "Nope. Just new."

Joanna: "Does it have to look like something that would be worn in outer space?"

Isaac: "No. It just has to be new."

Joanna: "But surely it has to be costumey and completely unwearable, right?"

Isaac: "Are you trying to drive me crazy, Joanna? It just has to be something we haven't seen before. It has to be new. That's it. End of story. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Joanna: "Alright. No need to get upset. I was just asking."

Can we get to the challenge?

Isaac: "First, I have to tell you who the guest judge is. Normally, we would tell you when the judging starts, but this guest judge is so talented it can't wait."

He has had all his skin replaced with the finest Corinthian leather.
He once had a wardrobe malfunction and people were outraged because they missed it.
Downton Abbey was based on his life.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Wow, that is pretty impressive, but...

Wrestling alligators doesn't excite him. He only does it to give the alligators some exercise.
When his momma sits around the house, she uses a comfortable chair.
Siri asks him for directions.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Oh, I didn't realize there was more of...

He has won seven Academy Awards, despite the fact that he has never been nominated.
His tears taste like Mountain Dew and contain even more caffeine.
The price of gold is tied to his body mass index.
He IS the most interesting man in the world.

Are we done now?

Isaac: "Yes, that's right! The guest judge this week is Pharrell Williams and the winner of the challenge will have his (or, less likely, her) design worn by one of Pharrell's artists. Apparently he owns some artists."

Supercool. OK, so the designers go to some weird lighting store and Austin asks the question on everyone's mind:

Austin: "Where do you keep your blue barrettes?"

Well, let's see ... have you tried looking in the barrette aisle?

Same old, same old in the design room this week. Mondo complains about Austin being high maintenance, while working on a Tron Teletubby costume. Michael makes several outfits and then picks the worst one. Jerell finds increasingly hilarious ways to tell us how amazing he is. And Kenley laughs through the pain, while everyone is being a total bitch to her.

Let's get to the runway, with guest judge Pharrell Williams:

Isaac: "He was named Best Dressed Man in the world."

Will you please stop?

Isaac: "No, that one is true. Also, whenever he is asked how many blonds it takes to screw in a light bulb, he always says, 'One,' because he only has the highest respect for women."

Oh, for crying out loud.

Anyway, There is one amazing look on the runway this week, a couple of OK looks, and a couple of duds.

Kenley knocked it out of the park this week. I loved the glowing jacket you could see through to the plaid dress underneath; the styling worked; she made her usual dress, but turned it into a completely different look with the jacket; she managed to add volume on the top and bottom and still have it work; it was almost -- dare I say it? -- avant garde.

Austin's look was very pretty. I really liked it. It was dramatic and made good use of the lights. But it was not even remotely avant garde. Austin won. Very annoying.

Isaac: "Tell me about it. I thought Kenley should have won, too. Unfortunately, I work with a bunch of morons."

Yeah, I guess I should be used to it. So, Mondo is in the middle. His look was fine. Jerell and Michael created looks that were almost good, but they managed to mess them up.

Michael made a ninja outfit and then just wrapped it in glow tape. At first it was striking, and then you realized how badly made it was. And it seemed like the glow tape was an afterthought that had nothing to do with the design. The blinking lights were terrible. I would have sent him home for this.

But I can't blame the judges for sending home Jerell. His look was also bad. But if he hadn't added that awful black maxi-skirt, I think I would have really liked it. The pannier skirt was pretty. But, as usual, everything about the styling was horrid. Jerell is out. Sorry Jerell.

Project Runway All Stars episode eight: Oy vey, can you see?

We start the episode with the designers standing on the lawn of the United Federation of Planets headquarters in New York:

Isaac: "Isn't this inspiring?"

Is it? It just looks like a lawn to me.

Issac: "Yes, but this grass represents the efforts to work together to solve shared problems, such as galactic climate change, tribble over-population, and peace."

Peace is a problem we are trying to solve?

Isaac: "Peace is so boring."

Anyway, why don't you explain this week's completely nonsensical challenge?

Isaac: "It would be my pleasure. This challenge is to create a dress inspired by the colors of a flag, just like Catherine Malandrino did."

I hate to be a contrarian, but that's not so much "inspired" by a flag as it is made out of fabric printed with the image of a flag.

Isaac: "Right. The designers are supposed to be inspired by the colors of their flags. Does that mean they have to use the exact colors? Who knows? Let's wait for the judging to see whether the designers are criticized for using the exact colors or for not using the exact colors. Also, the designers are supposed to be inspired by the people represented by their flags but they can't make anything that looks like the actual clothes worn by those people."

Whuh?

Isaac: "Well, for instance, they shouldn't do this:"

Isaac: "Because that looks too much like a costume. Instead, they should do something like this:"

Isaac: "See? That's an example of how you could take a look worn by real women in Brazil and just update it for a young, modern, sophisticated woman."

So the secret is subtlety?

Isaac: "Now you've got it!"

Anyway, the designers have to make garments inspired by the flags and inhabitants of members of the Federation of Planets:

Austin gets the planet of Betazed.

Austin: "It's very feminine and soft and you can tell the woman who wears this is very emotional and loves chocolate."

That neckline is so NOT regulation!

Jerell gets the Vulcan empire. He loves how ethnic and Vulcany they are:

As usual, Jerell needs a little editing.

Kenley gets the Borg:

Hot, but not the right Borg. Let's try that again:

OK, again, it's totally cute, but she makes the same thing for every challenge.

Kenley: "That's what I wear every day and I only design for myself. Resistance is futile."

Mondo gets the Ferengi Alliance:

It's a surprising use of color. The judges love it. Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo! And Joanna appreciates that the model can wear a bra. You know what they say about women with big ears.

Michael just doesn't get it:

WRONG!!!!!

Michael: "What? My model looks so sexy, she's making me question my pon farr!"

Oh, shut up.

Mila gets the Klingon Empire. She loves how tribal-looking and independent they are:

Isaac: "It reminds me of communism. She's just hard to look at."

Well, that's rude. I think she's lovely. Anyway, Mila is out and Isaac feels the wrath of the Klingon bat'leth:

Isaac: "Aaaah, my spleen!"

Project Runway All Stars Episode Seven: Jesus Christ Superstar, it's a musical!

First, I have to tell you that I just watched Godspell on Youtube, so don't ever say I haven't suffered for my art. I was not feeling this episode, so I apologize for this pathetic post.

The story: a bunch of overly-dramatic hippies wander the city of New York making outfits out of garbage. But enough about Project Runway All Stars, let's get to the Godspell challenge:

The Parable of the Challenge that Made no Sense:
Therefore whosoever heareth this challenge and understand it, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock, because, frankly, I don't get it at all. The designers are told to make an outfit for a rich bitch who both hoards her money and also spends it conspicuously at the same time. But the character isn't even rich; it's actually a poor woman who sings one song where she puts on a feather boa and talks like Mae West to dramatise the fact that you shouldn't worship money. So the costume is really supposed to be made up of props that poor people would find in the trash and use to pretend to be rich. Like maybe a ratty fur coat or a tiara made out of tinfoil.

Anyway, the challenge starts with the designers dancing around in a fountain in Central Park while Austin does Kenley's hair and then someone gets baptised and they go to a junk yard to pick out fabric.

Joanna comes in and tells them that it is easier for a camel to enter the kingdom of heaven than for these designers to figure out how to thread a needle. Or something like that.

Then Kenley has her first musical number:

Kenley: "I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity anyone who isn't me today!"

Mila: "That is the wrong musical, Kenley. You are so annoying."

And now the parable of the designer who has no friends:

Mila: "Hey! I have friends! I just don't flaunt it, like some people."

Then Austin gets all pissed off at Jerell for stealing his sewing machine:

Austin: "It's like I've been slapped in the face!"

Jerell: "Austin, you should turn the other cheek."

Austin: "Oh, alright."

Jerell slaps him on the other cheek. Then they have a laugh and hug it out.

Time for the runway:

The Parable of the Wise and Foolish Designers:
Then shall the Kingdom of Project Runway be likened unto seven designers, which took their garments and went forth to meet the judges. And verily I say unto you, three of those designers didst maketh garments that sucketh, and three of those designers didst maketh garments that didst not totally sucketh, and Jerell was in the middle.

Austin and Mondo are the top two:

The Parable of the Prodigal Designer:
So there was this rich guy and he had two sons, Mondo and Austin, and they both got their inheritance of some money and two days to make an outfit. Mondo freaked out and wasted all his time crying about not being able to make anything, while Austin worked steadily on his Marie Antoinette costume. Finally, when Mondo couldn't go on any longer, he made something and sent it down the runway. And his father was so happy about it, he slaughtered a fattened calf and made him the winner of the challenge. And Austin said unto his father, "This blows." And his father said unto him that he had lost a son and now he is returned and they should rejoice. And Austin said, "OK, I'll turn the other cheek." And then Jerell slapped him again.

Kara and Mila are the bottom two designers:

The Parable of the Designer Taken in Adultery:
So there was this grumpy designer named Mila who tried to make an outfit for a rich woman but accidentally made an outfit for a hooker. And the other designers arrested her for adultery because they didn't really know what that meant and then Isaac said unto them, "Let the designer who has not made a garment for a hooker cast the first stone." And the designers saw that he was right and Mila was saved.

So, after a last supper, Kara dies for our sins. Sorry Kara. Even though I didn't like her garments this season, I still thought crucifying her on a chain link fence was a little harsh. Maybe she will be resurrected for another Project Runway series.

Project Runway All Stars: Face/Off!

To destroy your enemy you must find him, face him, and then ... become him.

This week, thanks to a revolutionary medical breakthrough, the designers have their faces surgically removed and exchanged with another designer's. It's the only way to accurately judge the best design and prevent a bomb from killing millions of innocent people.

Isaac: "Well, technically, it's not the only way. But it is the most practical."

Good enough for me. So, after the designers pick giant handbags for absolutely no reason at all, they go to the Brother Sewing and Face Transplant Center and get prepped for surgery:

Austin and Kara swap faces and create spring looks.
Michael and Jerell swap faces and create winter looks.
Mondo and Kenley swap faces and create summer looks.
And Rami and Mila swap faces and create autumn looks.

They get $200 and only one day to create looks for a weekend getaway. They get 30 minutes to recover from surgery and for sketching.

In addition to sharing faces, the designers also seem to be sharing brains this week. Mila and Kenley are both making looks for girls attending art festivals. Mondo and Kenley are both using polka dots. Jerell and Michael are making the same coat. Austin and Kara are both making painfully dull outfits. Austin's girl is gardening and Michael's girl is planning to murder her and bury her in her own garden. I'm not exactly sure how that last one is a design concept, but I'm not an expert.

Joanna can sense some tension in the design room:

Joanna: "We're going to do what we do at Marie Claire when there is a tense situation: I invite everyone to complain about one person and then I fire the guest editor. Go."

OK, well, here's what happened: Jerell made a coat and then Michael threw out his first design and made almost the same coat as Jerell. Then he pretended to be shocked when it was pointed out to him, as though he had never noticed the coat being made right next to him.

Joanna: "There. Now doesn't everyone feel better?"

Michael: "No."

Joanna: "Terrific. Good luck on the runway."

Michael and Jerell have an awkward meal together:

Jerell: "I am loving this Greek yogurt."

Michael: "I prefer Yoplait."

Jerell: "It is Yoplait."

Michael: "But you said it was Greek."

Jerell: "Right."

Michael: "So is it Greek or is it Yoplait?"

Jerell: "Exactly."

Michael: "I have never been so confused by yogurt."

Mondo: "This reminds me of family meals at my house."

Michael is mad because Jerell is gossiping about him:

Michael: "Oh, you want to play like that, bitch? OK, we can play like that."

Yeah, we already know you can play like that, dummy. You played like that last week when you were gossiping about Kenley helping Kara.

On to the runway with guest judge Cynthia Rowley:

Austin and Kara both made boring high-waisted pant outfits. Both looks are really awful, but Kara is on the top and Austin is on the bottom.

Kenley and Mondo both made outfits with short-shorts and polka dots. Kenley's was a little baby-blue polka dot jumper and it was super cute, though I'm not convinced anyone would actually wear it. Mondo's look was also nice, but the top was not great and the shorts, while cute, looked like the same shorts he does all the time. The judges' complaint about mixing fifties and eighties references was ridiculous, but I agree that Kenley's was better. Kenley is on the top and Mondo is on the bottom.

Rami and Mila actually made very different looks. I guess they didn't get the memo. Rami made a neon-blue knit jacket with tons of draping and volume in front. Apparently his model got breast augmentation since he last worked with her. That is the only explanation for how he could not have known how awful that would look. But, in case you didn't think she looked top heavy enough already, he also included a second draped sweater in chartreuse under the first one. For the same low, low price. The second sweater had the added benefit of making the model's breasts look droopy and lopsided. Really, the jacket by itself on the mannequin was quite nice. But the combination of two draped sweaters in clashing neon colors on a large-breasted model was really bad. Mila made a color-blocked cape and a skinny pant. It was nice. Mila is on the top and Rami is on the bottom.

Jerell and Michael both made big drapy herringbone coats. They are styled differently, but the silhouettes are very close. Michael's look is very polished and sophisticated, as the judges point out. In fact, it's beautiful. However, it's also kind of boring and predictable. Like most of Michael's designs, it looks like a cliched television version of what a rich woman would wear. Jerell's is much more interesting. Yes, the buttons are insane, but it's a great look. Jerell is on the top and Michael is on the bottom.

Jerell wins. Congratulations, Jerell.

Rami and Austin are the bottom two and Rami is out. I really disagreed with this decision at first. I thought Austin's look was much worse and I thought the judges were just keeping him because he's Austin. But the more I look at Rami's outfit the more I hate it. At least you could wear Austin's outfit while you're gardening. At night. When nobody's looking.

Mondo is crying because he disappointed his mother on her 60th birthday by not making a winning outfit or giving her grandchildren. Kenley cheers him up:

Kenley: "Mondo, sure you suck, but not as bad as Austin. HAHAHAHAHAHA."

Mondo: "Kenley, you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better."

Project Runway All Stars Episode Five: What Not to Wear!

First of all, I have to apologize because my computer is dying, so I’m going to try to make this quick. It’s that time again, when I have to convince Other Eric that he needs a brand new computer so I can inherit his hand-me-down. Wish me luck.

We start the episode with the designers accosting people in Union Square, which has been magically transported to the middle of Central Park (don’t ask). The designers offer strangers a credit card with their name on it and five thousand dollars to buy a new wardrobe. But there’s an All Stars catch. They have to throw out their entire existing wardrobe and learn to shop by our rules. What do you say? Is it a deal?

Oh, alright. That’s not the challenge. But when I explain the real challenge you are going to wish it were. The designers have to find a muse to use as inspiration for a fashion forward look. During judging we are told that they were supposed to update the muse’s look, which is slightly different, but whatever. Make sense so far? Well, no; there’s already a problem. If you find a muse with a sense of style you really love, you shouldn’t need to update the person’s look, right? They’re looking for a muse with an outdated look? I don’t get it. Anyway, it gets worse. They are first told to buy the clothes from their muse. But then apparently they can get clothes from as many people as they like, so the clothes don’t have to be from their muse? Again, I don’t get it.

There are two or three fun challenges conflicting with each other here. There are just too many elements that don’t work together.

Jerell: “Too many elements that don’t work together is my middle name!”

Seriously. This challenge is perfect for Jerell.

The two designers who actually find muses are Mondo and Austin. They are also, coincidentally, the top two designers for this challenge. The other designers just find some fabric they like.

Anthony tells us he has personality so he knows how to get a man:

Anthony: “You go to a park, find a hustler, and offer him money to take off his pants. You’re welcome.”

Yeah, that is not the first time that guy has taken off his clothes for a stranger in a park. Just saying.

So, the designers have $150 for this challenge. But, since they spend most of the money in the park, they are almost penniless when they get to the fabric store.

In the next scene we see Kara standing at a freeway off ramp with a sign reading: “Unemployed All Star. Need $3 for thread. Please help.”

Oh, these poor designers!

Mitt Romney: “Well, I don’t care about poor designers.”

How can you say such a horrible thing?

Mitt Romney: “You took my statement out of context. Typical liberal media. If you had let me finish, you would have understood that what I meant is I don’t care about them because they are whiney and annoying.”

Actually, I can’t argue with him on that one.

Mitt Romney: “Let them eat cake!”

You should stop talking now.

Back in the design room, most of the designers seem to know what they are doing, but Michael and Anthony are having problems:

Anthony: “I have a brain storm.”

Austin: “You mean you are brainstorming ideas?”

Anthony: “No, my doctor actually gave me the diagnosis. I’m suffering from a brain storm. It’s fatal. My only option is to go to a tropical island and jump into an active volcano to appease the gods and save the native people.”

Austin: “Oh, I think you mean you have a brain cloud.”

Anthony: “Right. That’s it. A brain cloud.”

Meg Ryan: “You were diagnosed with a brain cloud and you didn’t get a second opinion?”

Anthony: “I asked for a second opinion so the doctor also told me my shoes were ridiculous.”

Now it’s time for the segment of the program we call, Well, that went nowhere:

Michael: “So, Mila, you aren’t going to believe this, but Kenley created Kara’s entire outfit while Kara just slept and ate Doritos for two days!”

Mila: “What?! God! Kenley is such a bitch!”

Michael: “Yeah! What are we gonna do about it?”

Mila: “Nothing!”

Michael: “OK!”

Well, that went nowhere.

Time for the runway, with guest judge Some Hockey Player:

Michael created sort of a swimsuit, which wasn’t really the challenge. The peach lace fabric is nice but it looked better as the original shorts, so he did nothing to improve it.

Austin thinks he made a high fashion version of a punk goth look. What he actually made is a sad costume for an Aeon Flux sequel. The judges think his muse would love it, but I can tell you she would not be caught dead in it. Or alive, for that matter.

Kara (or Kenley) turned a blue maxi skirt into some great-looking pants. It’s definitely a better version of what her muse was wearing.

Mila made a cool pair of jeans and a top. 

Jerell made something practically indescribable. The closest thing I can think of is a beach cover-up. But then it had a jacket-less jacket on top. You wouldn’t wear it to the beach. So it isn’t made to be worn at all. That’s fine. So, is it a work of art? Unfortunately, no.

Rami made a decent outfit with a cool striped top and shorts that were not as amazing as the judges made them out to be.

Kenley made a cute dress that was different from her usual cute dresses. But it looked like the original striped fabric was only used for the yoke of the dress and the majority of the striped fabric came from Mood. Am I wrong?

Anthony made a nice red jumpsuit that was turned into geriatric wear by the addition of a turban. Most of the fabric was bought at Mood and it really had nothing to do with his muse.

Mondo turned his muse’s cool patterned dress into some shorts and made a nice jacket out of some jeans and another jacket. It’s obviously more stylish than Austin’s fake goth look.

Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo!

Isaac and Georgina start arguing:

Isaac: “Nobody loves a jumpsuit as much as I do.”

Georgina: “No, I love them more.”

Oh, please. You two can’t even come close to my love of jumpsuits. Don’t try to compete with me.

Anyway, as much as we all love jumpsuits (and I love them the most), Anthony just didn’t meet the requirements of the challenge and he is out. Sorry, Anthony.

OK, off to the Apple Store. If you don’t hear from me in a week, please send a search party.

Project Runway Just Deserts, Episode Four!

Last week Michael won and Gordana was out. Now Gordana is in the fight of her life, in the Project Runway Second Chance Kitchen!

Gordana: "Really?"

No, not really. You're just out.

This week the designers are inspired by Diane von Furstenberg and her favorite desert, Pinkberry:

Diane von Furstenberg: "Can't get enough of it, darling! I eat it three times a day and anyone who says I don't is a damn liar!"

The designers pick the flavor of Pinkberry that will inspire them:

Michael picks first and he chooses the original tart flavor.
Mondo picks next and he selects the original tart flavor.
Mila picks the original tart flavor.
April thinks about it and then picks the original tart flavor.
Jerell has had his eye on that original tart flavor and he gets it.
Kenley gets the original tart flavor and acts like that was what she was hoping for.
Austin announces that he actually is the original tart flavor.
Anthony thinks the challenge is dumb but he takes the original tart flavor.
Rami is relieved he isn't picking last and he gets the original tart flavor.
Kara gets stuck with chocolate.

Kara: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. Poor Kara. I hate chocolate Pinkberry.

OK, it's time for the quickfire challenge. This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. It is also the most dangerous. If you are lactose intolerant.

In a bizarre twist, while they only have six hours to create the look, they have two full days to sketch and they get no money at all. The looks have to be made entirely from frozen yogurt and accessorized only with fresh fruit.

I'm just kidding. Obviously they will also have access to Fruity Pebbles, crushed Oreos, and those little mochi rice balls.

Isaac: "Ooh, I love those!"

Joanna Coles makes her rounds and gives everyone a little cup of yogurt to use as a hat and we learn that the designers are trying to meet the short deadline by just sticking to what they know:

Kenley: "I'm not going to do something new for this challenge."

Joanna: "No kidding. Kenley, you make the same friggin' dress for every challenge. Why would this challenge be any different?"

April was planning to make another black dress, but the mini-Mood that was set up at Parsons didn't have any black fabric:

Swatch the Dog: "Ha ha! Suck it, April!"

The designers all complain about having six hours to make a dress:

Michael: "Six hours? What am I supposed to do after I finish? Just stand around for another five hours?"

Not all the designers are impressed with Michael's speed. Jerell thinks a chimp could make Michael's dress:

Jerell: "To be fair, I don't think a chimp could make it as quickly as Michael could."

Rami is making a wrap dress, but he is not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg:

Rami: "I'm not making a wrap dress because I think it looks good. I'm only doing it because it's really easy. In fact, even a chimp could make a wrap dress."

Well, OK. He's definitely not trying to flatter Diane von Furstenberg.

The designers go to the L'Oreal studio and ask for sloppy buns. Then they discuss the hair.

There are two guest judges this week; apparently nobody expected Isaac to be back from rehab so soon. The guest judges are supermodel Miranda Kerr and superdesigner Diane von Furstenberg.

Time for the runway:

Michael picks grapefruit to accessorize his original tart Pinkberry. The dress does look a little like soft serve. Actually, the model looks like she's being eaten alive by a giant pile of pink ice cream. The fabric makes me a little nauseated. It's seriously grossing me out. I really need to stop writing about it now, before I get sick.

Mondo picks cantaloupe. This dress actually makes me want to go to the store and buy a cantaloupe. It looks fresh and delicious. I want to eat this dress.

Mila picks milk and sour cherries and her dress is pretty cute. It's red and white color blocking, but with curved seams, which was probably hard to do in that chiffon-y fabric.

April picks blueberry and she mentioned Violet Beauregarde, but that didn't make it into the dress. The closest link I can find between this dress and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that Helena Bonham Carter was in an adaptation of the book and not even Helena Bonham Carter would wear this dress. 

Jerell picks fruits of the forest. If you are like me, and I know you are, you were probably wondering if 'fruits of the forest' was one of those euphemistic terms like 'prairie oysters' that you just don't want to think about. But no, apparently it's just an unnecessarily long way to say 'berries.' Anyway, I kind of love his weird dress.

Kenley picks passion fruit and makes the exact same friggin' dress she makes every week, but she used a slightly different polka dot fabric just to add a little friggin' variety. It's kind of cute. Just like every friggin' dress she makes.

Austin picks vanilla Madagascar. His dress is as pointless as the name of the flavor he chose, so I think he did a good job.

Anthony picks green tea. I guess his dress does kind of make me think of green tea ice cream. It's not the worst thing he's made.

Rami picks kiwi. The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that it completely sucks.

And Kara, of course, gets stuck with cayenne pepper:

Kara: "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

Yes. She chose to do tiers of white and brown and red, which was pretty yucky. The shape of the dress was so bad it was almost good. Seriously, I was really kind of fascinated by how wrong it was.

Miranda Kerr tells us that she doesn't personally like ruffles on dresses, and normally we would be all, Who the hell cares if you personally like it, but, oh, did we forget to tell you that she will actually be wearing the winning dress? Well, we also forgot to tell the designers, so now they are being judged on whether this woman wants to wear their dress, even though that was not part of the challenge. Whatever.

So Michael and Mondo are the top two and Michael wins the challenge and a date with Diane von Furstenberg. Miranda Kerr has to decide where to wear that dress, but unless she is attending a wedding in Moldavia, I don't know where she would wear it:

Miranda Kerr: "There is that opening of an envelope I'm planning attend."

Kara and April are the bottom two and April is out. Sorry, April.

The judges tell Kara the explanation of her dress was insane but they just didn't see the insanity in the design:

Kara: "That's disappointing, because I'm completely batshit crazy."

Isaac: "Kara, we know you are. We just need you to translate that into your work."

Tune in next week when there will be naked people in a park. Finally.

Project Runway All Stars, Episode Three: Gays in Space!

Miss Piggy: "It's supposed to be Pigs in Space, you moron!"

I know, but Gays in Space was a Saturday Night Live sketch that I assume was a tribute to Pigs in Space, so I thought it would be funny to reference that instead.

Miss Piggy: "If you have to explain it, it's not funny."

Right. Sorry. So anyway, Isaac is off this week, having his tattoos removed, which means I have to make up a name for that model who is the actual host of the show. Let's call her M, as a tribute to L Macpherson (oh, my god, I think that joke is from that old Julie Brown show called The Edge, featuring Jennifer Aniston before she became famous, which means I'm old enough to remember life before Friends, which is something I do not want to think about.)

M: "This week you will be designing for the most glamorous non-human fashionista on the planet!"

Designers: "I hope it's Madonna!"

M: "Seriously, dummies? Well, it's not. It's Miss Piggy."

Some of the designers are very excited about designing for Miss Piggy and others are not:

Anthony: "I am not impressed."

Miss Piggy: "Right back at ya, sister."

Yeah, so the designers sketch on their fancy new Kenmore Elite sketch pads and then they go to Mood and buy either black or pink fabric because those are the only options and then they fight over the only pair of shoes and gloves on the Kenmore Elite accessory wall and then Mila gets all pissed off about the fact that she has no friends and then all the designers say how they love Muppet Babies, which is apparently the only way the post-Friends generation knows the Muppets and then Joanna Coles asks the designers if a pig would really want to wear a giraffe or a nightie or a really ugly dress and they all say that, yes, a pig would love to wear those things and Joanna say OK, it's your funeral and then it's time for the runway!

The judges this week are supermodel M, designer Georgina Chapman, designer Eric Daman, and movie star Miss Piggy:

We start with Michael's shiny little dress with a big bow stuck on the front. Anthony complains that it is just a simple princess-seam dress with something stuck on the boob, which is a hilarious complaint coming from Anthony.

April made a boring black dress.

Jerell made a horrible pink dress.

Kara made a skin-tight dress. Kara loves the "movement" in this dress. I have this little theory that Kara is completely insane.

Kenley made a cute pink-giraffe-print dress. There is nothing interesting about the design, but the fabric makes it the only interesting thing on the runway, in my opinion.

Anthony made a black dress with a full skirt. It's kind of cute, but I feel like I've seen pigs wearing similar dresses a million times before. It's just not special.

Rami made a completely ridiculous polka dot flamenco dress. I thought it was one of the worst things on the runway. It's so costumey and tacky. I just don't see someone as high fashion and glamorous as Miss Piggy wearing that. The judges disagree with me, however, and put it in the top two.

Gordana made a pink nightie, because she wants Miss Piggy to be comfortable, clearly not understanding that Miss Piggy believes in suffering for fashion.

Austin apparently ran out of time and his original idea of a giant bow on the back, which could have been nice, turned into two really stupid-looking bows just stuck onto the hips. It's awful.

Mondo made a dress that looks like a pink plastic bag. I don't get it.

Mila made a kind of cute black-and-white sixties mod dress. I can see Miss Piggy wearing this for a themed photo shoot, but it's not really appropriate for her promotional tour.

Well, that was a lot of boring for one runway. The judges deliberate and Eric Daman and Miss Piggy get into an ugly argument:

Eric Daman: "I think some of these looks would not really accentuate Miss Piggy's curves."

Miss Piggy: "Are you calling me fat? You wouldn't know a real woman if she punched you right in the face, which I'm about to do."

Eric Daman: "I'm trying to be a good sport about this. Why are you being such a bitch."

Miss Piggy: "Listen, you little weasel, I am a huge star who was wearing designer clothes while you were still in diapers!"

Eric Daman: "Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

Miss Piggy: "I want you so bad!"

OK, I did not see that coming. They are totally making out right there on the runway!

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "Rusty, that joke is terrible. I am so disappointed in you."

The remaining two judges give the win to Michael and they send home Gordana. I seriously think it doesn't matter what Austin does at this point; the judges feel they can't send him home because he's Austin. Yes, that's right, it's a new Lifetime Original Movie:

Austin Scarlett is Drew Peterson

Austin: "I'm untouchable, bitch."

Project Runway All Stars, episode two: Not a Marx Brothers Parody!

As much as the world is just crying out for a Project Runway parody recap based on a Marx Brothers movie, I refuse to do it. I know the Marx Brothers are very popular, but I have to admit that I've just never quite gotten used to the talkies. I miss the days when you read the title cards, as God intended.

Anyway, as you've probably figured out, the name of this week's challenge is Duck Soup. The designers will be creating glamorous show-stopping gowns to impress Mrs. Teasdale so that she will use her late husband's fortune to save the bankrupt country of Freedonia.

Isaac: "The future of the Eurozone hangs in the balance!"

That's right, Isaac!

Guest judges this week will be Mssrs. Badgley and Mischka, fine purveyors of elegant evening apparel. Some of the designers are thrilled and others are not so thrilled:

Kara: "This is not my papoo moment."

Mondo: "Yeah, I'm with you on that. This is not my papoo moment, either."

What the hell is a papoo moment?

Mondo: "What difference does it make? Just smile and nod."

So the designers have one day and three hundred and fifty dollars and they go to Mood to buy fabric. Michael and April, who once again are sharing half a brain, both pick the same red fabric. Michael freaks out and decides he needs to come up with an entirely new idea:

Other Eric: "Why can't he just do the same dress in another color?"

Mondo: "Because the fabric speaks to you and tells you what to make. You can't just switch fabrics. Duh."

Wow, Mondo has all the answers today. Anyway, Michael switches to black jersey, there is a huge collective sigh of relief, and then the designers head back to the work room.

April starts dyeing her red chiffon and everyone is all, "I don't agree with her life choices, but I guess it's a free country, so whatever."

Joanna Coles talks to the designers and we hear that Austin is under so much pressure because everyone expects him to win this challenge. Apparently he is famous for being a drama queen:

Austin: "Not drama queen! Couture King! Oh, the pressure!"

If it helps, I think you are going to fail miserably.

Austin: "Thank you, my darling!"

Rami tells us he is only human and Kara tells us she is "off the kahunies," which at first I assumed was South African for "I forgot to shave my armpits," but on second viewing decided it was just bad lighting.

Time for the runway:

Kenley - Too bad she couldn't get more of that polka dot fabric, because it might have helped. The two-tiered pink skirt looked weird.

Gordana - Well, it was different from the other things on the runway. The top with the beaded netting was nice and I wish she had covered the entire dress in it. The two-tone purple skirt with insets looked like it belonged on a waitress at Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.

Rami - Blech. I can't even describe this fuchsia nightmare.

Mila - Terrible. Boring black dress with sequin-blocking, which is a new technique she just invented and should never, ever use again.

Sweet P - The floral fabric is cute. The dress is horrid.

Mondo - A silver and white mini with a costumey yoke collar and train. This looked relatively good, compared to the rest of the crap on the runway.

Jerell - This shapeless tent of a beige dress made me want to vomit.

Kara - Her floral gown was almost cute.

Anthony - OK, it's surprisingly good. He absolutely kept his white gown from looking bridal, the black leather gloves are unexpected, and there is no way that dress is staying on without boob tape.

Austin - He made a gold dress covered with black tulle. I find it boring.

April - Everything about this red dress looks like an accident.

Michael - Michael blew the rest of the designers out of the water this week. His dress looked expensive and flawless. I can totally see a rich talentless slut wearing this dress.

Kara, April, and Sweet P are on the bottom and Sweet P is out. Sorry Sweet P.

Anthony, Michael, and Austin are on the top and Austin wins. Congratulations, Austin. I didn't love Austin's dress, but obviously Mrs. Teasdale did:

Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."