Top Chef: Chicago: The Reunification!
OK, so now that the season is over and nobody cares anymore, we have a reunion episode. Seriously, I thought the season was perfectly entertaining but it's over and I'm trying to get on with my life. Unless they have clips of Michael Kors having a laughing fit, I don't know what they could do to keep my attention.
Anyway, I'm writing a brief recap:
So, we begin with Andy Cohen introducing the judges and telling us that Richard is too busy giving birth to show up for such an important event. Bravo should have performed a Cesarean earlier in the week to make sure he would be available.
We see the clip of Stephanie winning, as though we can't remember that long ago and need to be reminded.
Gail defends her state of shock about Richard's choking comment:
Gail: "I wasn't shocked that he knew he choked; I was shocked that he said it."
Tom: "Yeah, we all understood what you meant. We were still all shocked at how shocked you were."
Tom asks a dumb question:
Tom: "Stephanie, do you want people to think you are a woman or a chef?"
Stephanie: "Who gives a rat's ass? I just want the hundred thousand dollars."
Now for the regularly scheduled bromance section of the Bravo reunion show:
The couples are Spike and Mark, Dale and Richard, Spike and Andrew, Spike and anyone else who will have him, and, of course, as always, Tom and Howie.
Apparently Mark got married to Andie MacDowell in order to get his green card. Congratulation, Mark!
Now on to Jen and Zoi: Spike is called out for mentioning that they had an advantage by having a partner on the show, which is basically exactly what Jen and Zoi said in one of the early episodes but now they think it was a disadvantage. How dare Spike say something that makes perfect sense and that everyone agreed with? What an asshole.
Is it true and Jen and Zoi have split up? Well, they aren't going to tell us because they feel like they've already talked about it too much. Of course, I haven't heard or read a damn thing about them so I'd like to know:
Zoi: "We think it's better for people to get their information from Internet rumors than from us."
Have it your way.
Then we learn about the chefs bizarre dreams:
Dale: "I had this dream where I was in Whole Foods and I bought a rack of lamb but the meat wasn't as good I thought."
Spike: "I had this dream where I was running around Whole Foods looking for ingredients for a meal."
Lisa: "I had this dream where I was being judged by the judges."
Wow. Those dreams make no sense at all. I wonder what they could mean.
We learn that Antonia got the nickname MC Hammer because of her ridiculous baggy pants and the fact that she was personally responsible for every elimination this season.
Antonia: "It's hammer time!"
Then we get out-takes from the Glad Wrap room. The chefs are performing magic tricks and playing the didgeridoo while Gail is asleep on the judges' table.
Andy: "Is it just me or were the judges extremely critical this season."
It's just you. I'm pretty sure the judges were exactly as critical as every other season.
Apparently Lisa was scowling a lot at judges' table. I didn't notice.
Lisa tells us about this lesbian party she went to. Is that a party with lesbians or some special type of party?
Lisa: "You wouldn't understand."
Then we get clips of the special insanity that is Andrew. Gail gets all weak in the knees:
Gail: "Like, oh, my God! He is so cute!"
We get clips of all the stupid fights on the show. But the clips are made so much more entertaining because they are accompanied by bell sounds from boxing matches.
The chefs had potty mouths this season and the viewers' sensibilities were offended. Sheesh.
We get Richard live via satellite, apparently from the CNN headquarters. He gets an adorable Top Chef onesy for his baby.
Time to announce the fan favorite:
I bet it will be Nimma.
Nimma: "I bet it will be me."
I already did that joke.
Tom: "I can tell you it probably won't be Lisa. Ha ha!"
Lisa: "Laugh it up, hairless-ball."
Stephanie wins another ten thousand dollars. What a stupid decision. The fan favorite should be someone the people love but who doesn't really have a chance of actually winning.
Other Eric: "Did you vote?"
Other Eric: "Well, if you don't vote, you can't complain about it."
You're right. I should take my voting responsibilities more seriously.
Finally, words of advice for future Top Chef contestants:
Lisa: "Learn how to make rice."
Stephanie: "Try to be just as cute as a button."
Good advice. Well, that wasn't so bad. There were a few cute parts. They just should have aired it before the finale.