Pride and Prejudice and Project Runway!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the Weinsteins in possession of a hit show will be in want of a new network.
Welcome to the new season of Project Runway on Lifetime: Television for Women who find the Hallmark Channel too edgy!
Tim Gunn: "Wow, Heidi, look at that view! Nothing but Reba reruns as far as the eye can see!"
Heidi Klum: "How the hell did we get here?"
Tim: "Well, this change is upsetting but I don't think we should be dissuaded from our goals."
Heidi: "I don't know the meaning of the word dissuaded!"
Tim: "That's the spirit!"
Heidi: "No, really. I don't know what that word means."
So we start the story with Tim and Heidi and their sixteen designers, living on the family estate at FIDM in Los Angeles. The PR girls are famed throughout the Southland for their beauty but they possess neither fortune nor connections so Tim and Heidi need to marry them off because Project Runway has been entailed to Andy Cohen, who could kick them all out an any moment:
Tim: "Oh, pray do not speak of that odious little man! I'm sure he is dreaming of the day when he takes possession of this show. What am I to do with all these designers? Heidi, you have no compassion on my nerves!"
Heidi: "I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these past five seasons."
Let's meet the PR girls:
Althea is blond and claims to be 24.
Ari has short hair and claims to be from Kansas City.
Carol is trying hard to be "the spacey one."
Christopher is looking a little Jeffryish and has not had formal training.
Epperson has long dreads and adult children.
Gordana is going to kick your potato-eating ass.
Irina has long black hair and makes bags.
Johnny is going to spend the season telling us he was a drug addict.
Logan is a real man's man because he likes cars.
Louise likes vintagy crap.
Malvin has the group's required mohawk and is leading the pack in the race to be this season's most annoying designer.
Mitchell is kind of a walking disaster.
Nicolas is known as the feather queen.
Qristyl does "plus-sexy" clothes. I like her. I hope she stays a while.
Ra'mon could be a great neurosurgeon but he wants to do something more rewarding.
Shirin is completely unmemorable.
Lydia is the youngest and she's basically a big tramp.
Miss Christopher is the heroine of our little story.
Johnny: "Did someone say 'heroine?' I used to be a drug addict."
Heidi: "Yes, we know. I do believe we have 16 of the silliest designers in all the country."
Tim: "Well, we're here at FIDM. Let's get this party started. By the way, Heidi, weren't you pregnant just a few minutes ago?"
Heidi: "Yes. I gave birth during the commercial break. But I'm still not going to drink champagne because I might be pregnant again."
Tim: "My god. Can't you keep it in your pants for five minutes."
Heidi: "I'm not wearing pants."
Tim: "Yes, we can all see that, thank you very much."
The designers get to walk the red carpet at the Nokia Theater in Hollywood:
Malvin: "I don't see carpet color. I think only bigots care about carpet color."
OK, check your watches. We're ten minutes in and I'm already sick of Malvin.
Tim: "We're starting this season with the challenge that usually happens closer to the end and is always a huge disappointment! Instead of giving you some sort of limitation that would demonstrate your creativity, we are giving you complete freedom to create totally boring dresses."
The designers settle into the FIDM design room and Ari informs everyone that her model has big feet:
Tim: "Thanks for sharing that, Ari! Just keep in mind that models always brag about having big feet."
The designers start working. Johnny decides to become the center of attention:
Johnny: "I had an addiction problem so now I can't figure out what to design. I'm going to go sit out in the hall so everyone can come and tell me how great I am and give me encouragement."
Tim: "Johnny, I really want you to succeed and I say this out of love, but you aren't legislating healthcare reform or ending world hunger; you just need to go make a goddamn dress. Stop being such a drama queen."
Let's check in with the other designers:
Carol is creating something awful and is calling everyone "buddy" because she obviously doesn't know anybody's name. I hope she does that all season.
Malvin is finding old and uninteresting ways to annoy us:
Malvin: "I am so amazing and innovative. There are no words to describe my designs."
How about "crappy"?
Christopher and Gordana are bonding over their mutual lack of formal training:
Christopher: "People are using all these fancy terms but I don't think it matters that I don't possess fortune or connections or know how to make a bustle."
Mitchell's model did not fit into his dress because her feet were not as big as she had claimed. So he just hangs a piece of fabric over her and calls it a day.
Let's meet the judges:
Nina Garcia, fashion director of some magazine I haven't heard of!
Lindsay Lohan, former celebrity!
And, of course, Lady Michael De Kors. Oh, such exquisite taste, such condescension! And looking so lifelike this season! Apparently in this economy, even the affluent are having to cut back on essentials like bronzer.
On to the runway. I've included the names of the designers and a brief reaction to their designs:
Althea - blech
Gordana - ugly
Malvin - horrid
Mitchell - inexcusable
Louise - retched
Ra'mon - dull
Shirin - seriously?
Epperson - meh
Irina - oh, please
Ari - vomit-inducing
Johnny - This is why you shouldn't do drugs
Carol - eye-gaugingly bad
Qristyl - godawful
Logan - boring
Nicolas - dreadful
Christopher - cute
Wow, that was the worst bunch of dresses I've seen since Project Runway All-Stars!
Christopher wins. Congratulations, Christopher! No surprise there. His dress wasn't very original but it stood out on the runway for it's distinct quality of not completely sucking.
Qristyl, Mitchell, and Ari, are deservedly the bottom three. Ari is out. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have handled her Blayne-ness for much longer.
Time for a PSA:
Ari: "Take risks responsibly."
Later, at Rosings:
Lady Michael De Kors: "Tell me, Miss Christopher, has your design teacher left you?"
Christopher: "We never had a design teacher."
Lady Michael: "No design teacher! Sixteen designers brought up at home without a design teacher! I never heard of such a thing."
Christopher: "I'm a self-taught designer."
Lady Michael: "Are any of your other designers out, Miss Christopher?"
Christopher: "Yes, ma'am, all."
Lady Michael: "All! What, all sixteen out of the closet? Very odd! Well, I need you to promise me that you will not enter into an agreement with my nephew."
Christopher: "I don't know what you are talking about."
OK, I'm tired. Everyone gets married and is very rich and lives happily ever after. Oh, except for the zombies.