Sorry, I'm not actually doing a "Precious" parody because I haven't seen the film (though it's high on my list of movies I should see but never will). I just really enjoy saying "based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire." Instead, we'll go to an audition room at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena:
Daniel Franco: "Neeeear, faaaaar, wherEEEEEver you are, I belieeeeve that the heart does go oooooon!"
Randy: "I'm feeling you, D Franc!"
Kara: "Your raw sexuality is giving me chills!"
Simon: "If I'm being honest, Daniel, your singing makes me want to punch you in the nuts. That's a 'yes' for me!"
Daniel: "I love you, Simon."
And with that, our dear friend Daniel Franco makes it through to Hollywood (in his mind). Meanwhile, back on Earth ...
Elizaveta is out because Ping decided she needed a stronger model. Elizaveta was sweet and tried her best, but I really don't think she belonged there. A good model will subconsciously send the message, "I look fantastic in this shitty outfit! Worship me, bitches!" But Elizaveta seemed to be sending the message, "Please don't throw things at me." And in addition to her general terrified appearance, she also has a bad knee that prevents her from walking or standing for very long:
Elizaveta: "Well, what are you gonna do?"
I'll tell you exactly what you do. Pick a different profession. Anyway, last week the models were harvested from a potato field, Pamela was out, and Jay won immunity. Heidi starts this episode by asking a weird question:
Heidi: "Would you like to meet a bunch of dead designers?"
Uh, I guess so? We meet Tim at the Met, in the Temple of Dendur, where he introduces us to the mummified remains of several famous fashion designers:
Tim: "You will be working in teams of two to create a 'signature' look. Yes, you heard me right. You'll be designing a 'signature' look with two distinct signatures!"
That makes no sense.
Tim: "Well, maybe I can buy your love. The designers will be getting $500 for this challenge, the most money ever in the history of the show!"
Make it an even thousand and it's a deal.
Tim: "I'm not bargaining with you!"
Then I'm sticking to my opinion that this challenge is stupid. The team leaders are Jay, Jesus, Anthony, Janeane, Mila, Ping, and Emilio. Ping practices her routine for the Laugh Factory:
Ping: "I will be a good leader because I'm very good at explaining my ideas to people."
Oh, Ping! Stop! You're killing me!
Ping: "Thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers."
The designers spend time being inspired by iconic dresses. The designers are thrilled by the experience:
Seth Aaron: "It is so nice to have the opportunity to look at dresses without being attacked by pit bulls. "
Yeah, pit bulls are the one downside to the museum experience. After the museum, they go to Mood and Ping loses her sketchbook:
Jesse: "I swear I'm not the one who ripped up her sketchbook and threw it in the trash!"
Who said anything about it being ripped up in the trash?
Jesse: "what? ... uh ... I thought you said that ... oh, look at that shiny fabric!"
So, anyway, since it isn't possible for two designers with completely different styles to make one signature look, the teams end up either creating looks that have the signature of one of the designers on the team or that don't have a signature at all. Either way, they don't really fit the challenge. I don't know how you judge the results. Tim makes an announcement:
Tim: "Designers, this challenge was so clear and straightforward ..."
No, it wasn't.
Tim: "In any case, we decided the challenge needed a twist ..."
Tim: "Stop interrupting me! You'll need to create a second outfit for a Barbie. Because Barbie is very small, this will be a 'look for less.' The look will be derived from the signature look of another team. You are not supposed to copy the look, just be inspired by it. However, the look that the judges rave about the most will be almost an exact copy. Also, this second look will end up not having any effect on the judging. So make sure you waste a lot of time on it."
Perfect. That's exactly what this challenge needed: one more element that makes no sense.
Tim: "Will it help if I give you another $50?"
Do I look that cheap?
Tim: "Do you really want me to answer that?"
Okay, let's just move on. On the day of the runway, Tim gives his last words of advice:
Tim: "Use the Bluefly wall preciously."
Tim: "Fine! Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire."
Thank you. The models go to hair and makeup:
Sophia: "Ahhhh! My spleen!"
Sophia is apparently allergic to being touched:
Sophia: "I have crazy-ass-bitch-itis. It's a serious medical condition. Look it up."
I believe you. But modeling requires being touched. A lot. So maybe you, like Elizaveta, should consider a different profession.
On to the runway:
Anthony and Seth Aaron made a pretty yellow and black ball gown for the vice president of McDonald's, who happens to be a drag queen. Apparently Anthony thought they were supposed to imitate a signature look so he designed an imitation Dior:
Michael: "I wore this dress in the 1950s to a cotillion. In the south. In Hell. Yes, I grew up in southern Hell. A little warmer than northern Hell, but we had more parties."
Jesus and Amy made a gown with an awful mermaid silhouette and a really beautiful fabric treatment.
Mila and Jonathan created about the only look on the runway that could be considered a signature piece. It's sixties-inspired without looking like a costume. I think this was the clear winner, since they were ignoring the second looks.
Janeane and Ben made a perfectly nice outfit but there is nothing that made it a signature look.
Emelio and Anna also made a perfectly nice dress that doesn't qualify as a signature look.
Jay and Maya created a gown that is signature-ish, with a big wavy collar piece that extends down the front and back. I feel like I've seen many versions of this dress for several years, but the judges find it completely original. What do I know?
Ping and Jesse also made a look that is signature-ish. It definitely has Ping's signature. And it has a very dramatic presence on the runway. And Brandise worked the shit out of it. But, when it comes down to it, it's just a pretty sari. Except that a real sari is much easier to wear because it is pinned to the shoulder; you don't have to carry the fabric around with you on your arm:
Michael: "She looks like the Statue of Liberty. In the South. In Hell."
The top two teams are Team Mila and Team Maya and Mila wins immunity! Congratulations, Mila!
Jesse's model: "I need to tell you that Ping did not do a personal fitting for my outfit."
Well, it clearly states in the rules that Ping needs to do a personal fitting for the second look on Jesse's model. So she's out. Sorry, Ping! You should have done that fitting. It would have made all the difference. Seriously, I'm really sorry to see her go. Ping definitely has a talent for creating dramatic looks with beautiful fabric. She just needs to figure out how to make actual articles of clothing.
See you next week. And don't forget to tune in for the new Lifetime movie "Sins of the mother ... based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire"!