Friday, August 05, 2011

Project Runway Season 9, Episode 2: Off the Leash!

Joshua: "Yay, my favorite! The S&M challenge!"

Speaking of leashes, I would like to take this opportunity to remind all my readers not to put your pet chimpanzee on a leash. Apparently, it really pisses them off. And when they get pissed off, they take over the planet and enslave the human race. And who can afford to be enslaved in this economy? Seriously, if there is one thing we have learned from this latest debt-ceiling debate it's this: do not piss off the chimpanzees! Thank you. Now back to the show:

Well, Bert, you had a good run. We all knew it wouldn't last forever. How could it? You lived your life like a candle in the wind. You won the first challenge, the judges loved you, the audience loved you, your fellow designers loved you, the universe loved you. Obviously, the only thing to do in that situation is to completely give up:

Bert: "Well, back when I worked for Halston, that's how it was done."

Believe me, I get it. The 70s were crazy for me, too. I applied to grad school just to avoid being sent to Vietnam. I was only four years old, but I wasn't taking any chances. The point is, it's time to move on.

The designers head off to a pet store to pick out their S&M gear. This challenge is about using unconventional materials in creative ways, and not simply finding material that looks like fabric and making a normal dress. Tim reminds the designers not to be dumbasses:

Tim: "I can tell that some of you will be tempted to be dumbasses. So I'm going to be clear about this: don't be a dumbass!"

Bert: "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did he say to be a dumbass or NOT to be a dumbass."

Does it really make a difference?

Bert: "Probably not. I have immunity either way."

Anthony Ryan, who has two first names but only one testicle, is trying to stand apart from the other designers:

Anthony Ryan: "Everyone else went straight to the chimpanzee section, so I went in the opposite direction and got bird seed. That's the kind of badass thing you can expect from someone who's rocking one, like I am."

So, yes, most of the other designers are filling their baskets with ape bedding and Purina chimp chow. Becky, however, somehow wandered into a Michael's and ended up with silk flowers and scrapbooking supplies. What the hell was up with that?

Joshua (not super-gay Mormon Joshua, but excessively-gay non-Mormon Joshua) tells us he was raised in a theater:

Excessively-Gay Joshua: "My parents abandoned me in a theater as a baby and I was raised backstage by the actors. That's why my skin looks like this."

Oh, I was wondering about that.

So, then we get a bunch of scenes of people gluing crap onto muslin, and then a bunch of clips of the designers telling us how insane it is that everyone is gluing crap onto muslin, and then we're done.

The designers invade the Miss Clairol Hair and Makeup Studio, or whatever it's called, and make their usual demands: "glossy and flowy," "bendy and bouncy," "flowery and flaccid," "sophisticated yet outdated," "modern elderly chic," "Make her look like Courtney Love, but not as classy," etc.

Then it's on to the runway. The guest judge is someone I've never heard of, so she's obviously nobody important. I really don't think most of the designers brought it this week. Most of the looks were just OK. There was one clear loser:

Bert: "Does my garment meet the challenge? Not even close. How much effort did I put into it? None. Is it a horrible, tacky mess? You bet. But the important thing is that I have immunity."

Julie's woven paper dress is not good. Bryce's handkerchief dress is terrible. The two dresses with woven material stuck onto them are not great. Becky's dress is fine, but it's made out of silk flowers and doesn't have anything to do with a pet store. Fallene's skirt fabric, made out of orange fish-tank plants, is pretty, but the overall look is not good. Laura's cardboard skirt was dreadful, but at least she knew enough not to send her model out naked.

Josh, however, just makes Nina sigh. Nina's sighs are like when doves cry; you have no idea what it means, but you know it's not good. He's out.

Still, all those horrible looks were better than the suggestion from the guest judge:

Unknown Guest Judge: "You should have made a ball gown covered with stuffed cat toys."

OK, I understand her desire for a little drama, after seeing that dull group of dresses, but that was a very tacky and unoriginal idea.

The judges just barely keep Bryce, complaining about having to see so many terrible napkin dresses over the years:

Michael: "I have been sitting in this chair for such a long time. My butt cheeks are completely numb. Seriously, I don't know if I can even stand up anymore. I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about."

There were a few looks that didn't completely suck. Victor at least did a good job transforming his pee-pads, although the design was boring. Danielle's look was nice, but I don't know if it was a very creative use of materials (and it also looked really familiar).

Two looks were actually really good! Olivier made a dog-bed top that looked like it came right off a Paris runway. However, we have to deduct a few points because it is basically fabric. The skirt, made out of hamster bedding, was good. The overall silhouette was definitely the most fashionable look of the evening. I can understand why he won.

Nina: "It's very EDITORIAL! You could photograph it and put it in a MAGAZINE!"

Whatever, Nina. But making a great look was only part of the challenge. The main part of the challenge was finding the most creative use of pet-store materials. And for that, you have to give it up for Anthony Ryan, who, despite coming very close to being a complete douchebag, was still able to make a beautiful little dress from birdseed. Yes, the design of the dress was not exciting, but the birdseed looked beautiful! It was my favorite, and Heidi agrees:

Heidi: "It comes down the age-old question: hamster bedding or birdseed?"

Michael: "Exactly. It reminds me of what my grandmother used to say: 'Get that goat out of my bedroom!'"


Cliff O'Neill said...

"My parents abandoned me in a theater as a baby and I was raised backstage by the actors. That's why my skin looks like this."

Indeed. Which shade of Ben Nye would that be, anyway?

Anyhoo, I agree with you on which dress should have won. (When did Heidi become the smart one, anyway?) Anthony Ryan may be my fave this season. Plus it doesn't hurt that he's a cutie.

Catherine said...

SO GLAD to be reading your PR blogs again.

Any chance you could post pics? I don't remember all the outfits and I certainly can't remember all of the designers at this stage.

Honestly, that dog bed dress of OlivIers was horrible. What woman would wear that? She looked like she had just removed the outer wind-blocking shell from her L.L. Bean Thinsulate coat.

No word about those HIDEOUS pants made by Miss I-Just-Learned-to-Sew-Yesterday? You know, the ones that could have hidden a joey in the crotch?

I liked the black and white dress. It was cute and it fit nicely. I think the judges are smoking crack. And Christina Ricci has such weird eyes, she looks like an anime character.

Sorry. I'm done.

eric3000 said...

Cliff, yeah, I was really impressed by Anthony Ryan. I'm just hoping he can tone down the jackassiness.

Catherine, I'm sorry I don't have pictures, but I'm world famous for being the only blog without them. Just pretend like you're listening to the radio. Seriously, I'm way too lazy!

Thanks for reading!

Tom Saaristo said...

What a HOOT! I'd forgotten about the age-old-question hamster bedding or birdseed! Thank you!

For me Olivier's look was more chic and he used some unconventional materials, so he beat Anthony Ryan even though A.R. used the most unconventional materials. It just wasn't enough to win in my book

Hooray for the guest judge (whoever she was) for flashing the judge's cards! I've always wanted to know what they looked like on the other side!

lovemesomebertnjulie said...

Ok, my pics from the initial casting show are in serious peril. Still holding on to the fact that if Bert gets his ass in gear and gets off his high horse, he can beat those kids with one hand tied behind his back. And still waiting (perhaps in vain) for Julie to deliver.

Truthfully, I'm starting to like Anthony Ryan myself even if he is somewhat of a douche. His dress was the best by far. Yay Heidi (did I just say that?)!

And as a theater girl myself I am also drawn to miss "more is more." He makes for good quotes, anyway.

donna said...

I loved Olivier's look (even if I am already a little tired of his affectations). He said something about about using fish tank sponges to add shape to the skirt, and I think that's what gave it that Paris runway quality. I like that he paid attention to and molded the shape of the skirt.

Katie said...

Hated Oliviers dress...did nothing for the model's shape. Looked bulky and boring. I could have made his top it was so boringly dull and simple.
Wasn't all that impressed with others but still better then Oliviers.
Gay Joshua: "Who is this girl? And where is she that?"

Sewing Siren said...

A kind of respect Burt. Hell they gave him the day off as a prize and then they get mad cause he took it. I think he's the first designer that has fully utilized the immunity prize.
I think the hamster and dog bed deseverved the win.
Tho, the birdseed is more to my taste..hee hee, get it?
The pee-pee pads make me sick to my stomache. I can smell them from here. T

kittens not kids said...

THANK YOU for mentioning excessively-gay-Joshua's "I grew up in the theatre" mantra. kid's only 25 - he's STILL growing up for christsake. [and he is also excessively gay. do you think he's trying to...hide something? secretly he's a hetero Mormon?]

i liked the birdseed better and thought that fleece dogbed top was hideous.