Saturday, December 14, 2013

Project Runway All Stars Season Three, Episode Seven: Miracle on the Runway!

This week the show is being filmed in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Lisa Robertson is organizing the QVC Thanksgiving Day Parade of Programming:

LISA ROBERTSON: You’ve got them mixed up. You’re making a terrible mistake. You’ve got Handbags with Mary Beth where Antonella’s Jewelry Favorites should be. And Merry Memories with David should be on my right-hand side. And another thing: Anything Goes with Rick & Shawn is a terrible name for a show. Still, I don’t suppose anybody would notice except myself.

QVC's Lisa Robertson
Lisa sees one of her hosts is having problems:

LISA ROBERTSON: Let me show you how to use that whip. It’s all in the wrist. Hey, you’ve been drinking! You’re a disgrace. You should be ashamed. Don’t you know there are thousands of agoraphobic women sitting in front of their televisions waiting to see you? Women who have been dreaming of this moment for weeks? You’re a disgrace to the tradition of home shopping. I refuse to let you malign QVC in this way. Korto, could you fill in as host? Have you got any experience?

KORTO: Oh, a little. I’m not in the habit of substituting for spurious television hosts, but I’ll do it for the fans.

Korto sells some product on television.

VIKTOR: This is just like a fairy tale, isn’t it, Irina?

IRINA: I don’t believe in fairy tales. I think they're silly.

VIKTOR: So, no All Stars either? No fantasies of any kind, is that it?

IRINA: That’s right. We should be realistic and completely truthful and not grow up believing in a lot of legends and myths.

Meanwhile, Korto has become a very popular host:

LISA ROBERTSON: I just know with that designer on camera QVC will sell more than ever. So, Korto, here’s a list of the products we have to push. We’re overstocked on this crap. You understand?

KORTO: I certainly do. Imagine, convincing television viewers to buy stuff they don’t need just because you bought too much of the wrong thing. That’s what I’ve been fighting against for years. The way you commercialize television. It’s disgusting.

Korto continues her hosting gig and takes a call from a viewer:

KORTO: Hi, caller! What can I help you with today?

VIEWER: I’d like to buy a Kindle Fire HD 7” 32GB WiFi Tablet with Charger, Case & Tech Support. I promise I won’t use it in the house. Only in the yard.

LISA ROBERTSON: Psst! Korto! We’re out of stock on that item.

KORTO: I can tell you’re a good person, caller. You’ll get your Kindle Fire.

LISA ROBERTSON: Korto, I told you QVC doesn’t have it! Don’t you understand English?

KORTO: You don’t think I would have promised unless I was sure, do you? Caller, you can get that at At a good price. And if you have Amazon Prime you’ll get free shipping.

VIEWER: I don’t get it. QVC sending people to Amazon?

KORTO: The only important thing is making the customer happy. Who sells the product doesn’t make any difference. Don’t you feel the same way.

VIEWER: Who, me? Yeah, sure. I just didn’t think QVC did. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

Korto takes some more calls from viewers:

VIEWER: I just want to congratulate you and QVC on this wonderful new stunt you’re pulling. Imagine, sending people to Amazon. Why, it’s ...

KORTO: It certainly is!

VIEWER: You said it! A big outfit like QVC putting the spirit of shopping ahead of the commercial. It’s wonderful. I’ve never done much shopping on QVC, but from now on I’m going to be a regular QVC customer. All Stars really do exist!

Back in the design room, Zanna Roberts Rassi tells the designers she’s not happy with what she’s seen:

CHRISTOPHER: But Zanna, I don’t think there’s any harm in letting the viewers see an All Star.

ZANNA ROBERT RASSI: But I think there is harm. I tell you the dresses here are not up to All Stars standards and that the All Stars are just a myth, and then Korto goes on television in front of hundreds of gullible viewers. This sets up a very harmful mental conflict within them. What are they going to think? Who are they going to believe? And by filling them full of fairy tales, they grow up considering life a fantasy instead of a reality. They keep waiting for Prince Charming to come along. And when he does, he turns out to be a ... 

CHRISTOPHER: Zanna, this isn’t about you.

ZANNA ROBERTS RASSI: Never mind. Just please respect my wishes.

SETH AARON: Can you believe Korto spoke Dutch to that one viewer? I think she really might be an All Star!

IRINA: Seth Aaron, I speak French but that doesn’t make me Joan of Arc. Please tell me that Korto doesn’t exist.

SETH AARON: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Irina. Not only does she exist, but she’s here to prove it. By the way, that’s a very cute dress. Where did you get it?

IRINA: Right here at QVC!

LISA ROBERTSON: I have never seen such a tremendous and immediate response to a merchandising policy. We’ll be known as the helpful shopping channel. The shopping channel with a heart. The shopping channel that places public service ahead of profits. And, consequently, we’ll make more profits than ever before.

KORTO: Shopping isn’t just a channel. It’s a frame of mind. That’s what’s been changing. That’s why I’m glad I’m here. Maybe I can do something. If I can win you over, there’s still hope.

IRINA: I want to win Project Runway All Stars. If you can get me that then you’re real. If not, then you’re only a nice woman on television.

KORTO: Now, wait a minute, Irina. Just because every designer can’t get his or her wish doesn’t mean there aren’t All Stars.

Korto is involved in a confrontation with the QVC resident psychologist and is taken to Bellevue hospital for the fashionably insane. She almost gives up on her red-carpet gown.

ISAAC MIZRAHI: But Korto, you can’t just think of yourself. What happens to you matters to a lot of people. People like me, who believe in what you stand for, and people like Alyssa Milano, who are just beginning to. You can’t quit. You can’t let them down.

Korto decides to fight on and create another gown at the last minute. There is not much design to the dress and it’s not really red-carpet worthy, in my opinion, but it’s a perfectly nice dress and it would sell well on QVC. Korto is brought before the Project Runway All Stars judges:

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, All designers having business with the supreme court of Project Runway All Stars draw near, give attendance, and ye shall be heard.

ISAAC MIZRAHI: I intend to prove that Korto is an All Star. It’s not just QVC that’s on trial here. It’s everything QVC stands for: kindness, joy, love, and all of the intangible things in life.

ALYSSA MILANO: All right. So we tell them the Project Runway judges rule there are no All Stars. It’s all over the papers. The kids don’t buy any more clothes. So then the clothing companies lay off employees, and then we’re back in a recession. Obviously, we can’t do that. The trial may proceed.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: I call my first witness, Elisabeth Moss. Elisabeth, do you believe in All Stars?

ELISABETH MOSS: Of course I do.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: What does an All Star look like?

ELISABETH MOSS: She’s sitting right there.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: The defense would like the record to show that the witness is pointing at Korto. And now I’d like to submit the following facts in evidence. It concerns the Post Office Department, an official agency of the United States government. The Post Office was created by the Second Continental Congress. The first postmaster general was Benjamin Franklin. The Post Office is one of the world’s largest business concerns. 

ALYSSA MILANO: I agree the Post Office is great. Is there a point to this?

IZAAC MIZRAHI: I have here three letters addressed simply “All Star.” No other address whatsoever. Yet these were just now delivered to Korto by bona fide employees of the Post Office. I offer them in evidence.

ALYSSA MILANO: Three letters isn’t much proof. If you have more, bring them here and put them in my lap.

Postal employees bring in hundreds of thousands of letters and bury Alyssa Milano alive.

IZAAC MIZRAHI: Each of these letters is addressed to the Project Runway All Star. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office, a branch of the federal government, recognizes this designer as the winner of this challenge.

Case dismissed. Korto wins the challenge. Congratulations, Korto. I thought Christopher’s gown was more appropriate for the red carpet, but apparently potential QVC sales trumped that. And Irina is out for making a wedding dress that ripped on the runway.

ALYSSA MILANO: It was both literally and figuratively falling apart at the seams. I’m sorry Irina. I tried my best to get you what you wanted.

IRINA: You couldn’t get it because All Stars don’t really exist.

ALYSSA MILANO: No, Irina. You must believe in All Stars and keep right on doing it. You must have faith.

IRINA: But I didn’t get what I wanted. That doesn’t make sense, Alyssa.

ALYSSA MILANO: Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. Just because things don’t turn out the way you want them to the first time, you’ve still got to believe. I found that out.

IRINA: You mean like, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”?


IRINA: I thought so. This blows.

On a positive note, on the way home from the Project Runway studio, Irina found her dream house with the swing in the back yard, just like she always wanted.

What the hell is her problem?

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