Saturday, December 07, 2013

Project Runway All Stars Season Three, Episode Six: The Simpsons Live!

ALYSSA MILANO: In an unprecedented television event, Project Runway All Stars presents The Simpsons Live! Starring Carrie Underwood in the part she was born to play: Marge Simpson!

Let us pray.
Springfield, Austria, the abbey next to the nuclear power plant, convent of the sisters of Our Lady of Perpetual Deregulation:

SISTER BERNICE: Oh, Reverend Mother, we simply cannot find Georgina Chapman!

SISTER FRANCIS: She is missing ... again.

SISTER BERTHE: Perhaps we should put a cow bell around her neck. I think I saw one on the QVC accessory wall.

SISTER AGATHA: Now, now, sister Berthe.

REVEREND MOTHER: Have you tried the Mary Kay makeup studio? You know how much she adores that crap.

SISTER BERNICE: We’ve looked in all the usual places.

REVEREND MOTHER: Well, considering it’s Georgina, I suggest you
look in unusual places.

SISTER SOPHIA: I think we should give Georgina a break. After all, the wool of a black sheep is just as warm.

REVEREND MOTHER: We are not talking about sheep; we are talking about Project Runway judges ... oh, I guess we are talking about sheep.

The nuns all have a good laugh.

REVEREND MOTHER: Seriously, though, how do we solve a problem like Georgina? 

The nuns agree that it is impossible to hold a moonbeam in your hand, so they just get a bunch of random guest judges and pray that Georgina will be back next week.

ALYSSA MILANO: The runway’s alive with the looks of All Stars. 
The same looks we’ve seen for a thousand years. 
Now, Marge Simpson will tell us about her favorite things.

MARGE SIMPSON: Raindrops on roses and poly organza; 
Dinner with Homer is such a bonanza; 
Hot dinner date dresses tied up with strings; 
These are a few of my favorite things. 
When the wine comes; when the beer spills; when I’m feeling amorous; 
I simply remember to unzip my dress and then Homer gets all clamorous.

Really? Clamorous?

MARGE SIMPSON: Yes, clamorous. It’s a word. Look, I have three children; I don’t have time to come up with better lyrics.

In the next scene, Zanna Roberts Rassi shows up in the design room to meet the designers and check on their progress:

DESIGNERS: You don’t look like a mentor.

ZANNA ROBERTS RASSI: Well, you don’t look like All Stars. You’re going to have to change these dresses.

DESIGNERS: But we don’t have any other dresses. When we agreed to be on Project Runway, all of our worldly possessions were given to the poor.

ZANNA ROBERTS RASSI: What about these dresses?

DESIGNERS: The poor didn’t want them.

The designers are sent to Mood and then they make dresses out of used curtains.

SETH AARON: I’m going to make six new dresses so everyone will have play clothes!

Jeffrey is really struggling with this challenge:

JEFFREY: D’oh! I’m really screwing up. 
Ray, I really need some sun. 
Me, the one who's screwing up. 
Far, I never will get done! 
So, I don’t know how to sew. 
La, I don’t know why I’m here! 
Tea ...

HOMER SIMPSON: No, thanks, I’m drinking beer.

JEFFREY: That will bring us back to d’oh!

Christopher is also struggling. He meets secretly with Viktor in the Brother Sewing Room:

VIKTOR: Psst ... hey, Christopher, are you in here?


VIKTOR: Why, hello. I came by to deliver a telegram. Aren’t you supposed to be to done with your dress by now.

CHRISTOPHER: Well, yes, but don’t tell. I’ve missed you. Have you missed me?

VIKTOR: Yes. I even thought of sending you a telegram so I could deliver it to you.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, Viktor, that's a lovely thought! 

VIKTOR: You are twenty-five going on twenty-six. Baby, it’s time to think. 
Better beware, be canny and careful, baby, you’re on the brink. 
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do. 
I am thirty-three going on thirty-four. I’ll take care of you.

CHRISTOPHER: I am twenty-five going on twenty-six, innocent as a rose. 
Women’s cartoon lives, middle-aged housewives: what do I know of those? 
Totally unprepared am I to face this confusing task. 
Timid and shy and clueless am I of the things that the judges ask. 
I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do. 
You are thirty-three going on thirty-four. I’ll depend on you.

The designers introduce themselves and compete in the Springfield runway festival:

KORTO: I’m Korto. I’ve been married for fourteen years and I don’t need a governess. I made a stretch sequin dress in midnight blue with a shirtwaist hem.

I’m glad you told me, Korto. We’ll just be friends. I think your look is a nice variation on a little black dress. It would be a good addition to Marge’s wardrobe and perfect for a dinner date night.

CHRISTOPHER: I’m Christopher. I made a floral-print strapless dress and I’m impossible.

Really? Who told you that? Viktor?

VIKTOR: I’m Viktor. I made a short metallic dress and I want a pink parasol for my birthday.

ELENA: I’m Elena. I made a red gown with a black jacket and I’m crazy.

JEFFREY: I’m Seth Aaron.

You didn’t tell us about your dress, Jeffrey.

SETH AARON: I’m Seth Aaron! I made a perfectly decent purple gown you can find in any store in the country. He’s Jeffrey and that’s the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen!

IRINA: You shouldn’t say that!

SETH AARON: Why not? Don’t you think so?

IRINA: Yes, but you still shouldn’t say it. I’m Irina. I made a short purple dress with a long chiffon skirt and I’m incorrigible.


IRINA: What’s incorrigible?

I think it means you won this challenge. That purple dress is a bit much for a dinner date, but it did look cute animated. Korto and Elena round out the top three.

CAPTAIN ISAAC MIZRAHI: Models, get out of those ridiculous clothes and change for Marge Simpson immediately. Hurry up.

The bottom three designers are Jeffrey, Christopher, and Seth Aaron:

CAPTAIN ISAAC MIZRAHI: Designers, where did you get these abominations? Out of a nightmare?

DESIGNERS: No, we made them out of the drapes that were hanging at Mood.

CAPTAIN ISSAC MIZRAHI: Do you mean to tell me these models have been all around Springfield wearing those clothes.

DESIGNERS: Yes, and they’ve become very popular. Everyone smiles at them.


DESIGNERS: They say, “Oh, look. There go the All Stars and their models!”

CAPTAIN ISAAC MIZRAHI: Well, I look and wonder about your taste level. Especially you, Jeffrey.

JEFFREY: Captain, designers cannot do things they are supposed to do if they have to worry about your precious taste level!

CAPTAIN ISAAC MIZRAHI: I don’t care to hear anything further from you about my taste level!

JEFFREY: I am not finished yet, Captain!

CAPTAIN ISAAC MIZRAHI: Oh, yes you are! Jeffrey, you will pack your bags at once.

JEFFREY: So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, good night. 
I hate to leave and end this silly fight. 
So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, adieu. 
Adieu, adieu, it’s been a lot to go through. 
So long, farewell, au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen. 
I really can’t believe that I’m not stayin’. 
So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. 
I’m going to that great runway in the sky.

The sun has gone to bed and so must I ... 


pernoctator said...

Genius, especially the lyrics. Cultural osmosis has given me an 87% understanding of this review in spite of having seen neither musical nor movie version. I may have watched every episode of How to Solve a Problem Like Maria on Youtube, though).

Anonymous said...

Fabulosity! Thanks so much for this blog. I don't know how you do it so fast.

eric3000 said...

Thanks, pernoctator and anonymous!

Mary K said...

Seriously, you are a genius!

eric3000 said...

Thanks, Mary!

Unknown said...

"SISTER BERNICE: Oh, Reverend Mother, we simply cannot find Georgina Chapman!" ROFL Hilarious, Eric! Hope you're doing well. XO

Nan said...

I am laughing my eyes out. This is one of your best.

osi said...

Nice script. Thanks for sharing.