Recent photo of an iPhone

Barbie’s Holiday Letter, December 2024

Dearest, darlingest friendsies, Momsies and Popsicles,

This is your best friend Barbie writing to you again this year. I know, I know! I thought 2023 was my year and that everyone would have forgotten about me by now. But recently I’ve been looking around and I realized the world is suddenly being drenched in pink. Is it just me, or is everything just…so pink?

The stores are filled with pink merchandise, and it seems like every other television commercial is a cross promotion for me! Did you see the cell phone commercial with the iPhone dressed like me in pink and my signature tiara? It’s like the entire holiday season is one big celebration of… well, me. I must say, I'm feeling quite seen right now. This is the manifestorium of everything I love and it’s all Barbie pink all the time! Yay!

Oh, and I’ve also noticed a lot of green. It’s everywhere. Pink and green. And at first, I found it confusifying. I was like, Is it Ken? Did Ken wear something green without notifying me first? But you know what? I like it! I find it encouragerizing and I’m realizing there is a definish chance that not everything has to be pink. Sure, my car and my house and my furniture and my clothes have to be pink. Obviously. And also my diving board and my dishes and my mailbox and my sunglasses and my fire extinguisher and my television and my blender and my toilet plunger and my Xanax and my toothbrush and my power tools and my luggage and my Stanley cup and my yacht and my kitchen appliances and my Band-Aids and my volleyball and my Jet Ski all have to be pink. But, other than that, I think it would be okay if some things were green.

Anyway, this year I’m writing the letter myself, instead of letting that AI chatbot write it, like I did last year. The chatbot promised to grant my heart’s desire, but when I asked for help this year, the results were not what I wanted. It wasn’t funny at all. And if there is one thing Barbie is known for, it’s humor. I had to completely rewrite it. I told myself, “Barbie, you have heart, courage, and brains! You can do this!” Congratulotions to me for my braverism!

So, I got out my trusty sparkle pen and started writing. I’m just kidding. I didn’t use a sparkle pen. I used a 1926 Underwood Standard Portable typewriter, just like anyone else. I knew I couldn’t send this letter out the way it was. Now that we’re friends, I’ve decided to make this letter my new project. I know I don’t have to do it! That’s what makes me so nice!

Whenever I see something less humorous than I
And let's face it, right? What isn't less humorous than I?
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.
When a letter needs a makeover, I simply have to take over
I know, I know exactly what it needs.
And even in this case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face,
Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed.
Follow my lead. And yes, indeed,
It…will…be…

Jocular!
I’ll try to be joc-u-lar
I’ll teach you the newest craze with a turn of phrase.
Ways to misdirect and punch (ooh!)
Absurdity and irony
Everything that really counts
To be jocular
Oh, it will be joc-u-lar
And with anecdotes we’ll be showboats
All the puns you've got to know
So let's start 'cause there’s an awfully long way to go

Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as epistolary dialysis
Now that I’ve decided on a comic thesis
With deadpan timing and silly rhyming
We’ll get to

Jocular
I know about joc-u-lar
And if I don’t assist it will be a miss
Instead of what I wish it was…er, were!
There's nothing that can stop this from becoming joc-u-lar…uh…ler!

Maybe you have heard a rumor
about observational humor
Just think about the phrase: “have you ev-er no-ticed?”
Celebrated standup comics
Or the wittiest of orators
Were they experts in benign violations theory?
Well, yes, probably. But also they were…

[Jocular!]
Right!
It's all about joc-u-lar
It's not just slapstick, or a limerick
It takes pacing and delivery
To be very, very jocular like me

And though you protest
We will do our best
Even if it’s forcibly
We’re gonna grin and bear it, this newfound jocularity (Woo!)
Laaa-laaa, laaa-laaa
It will be jocular
Just not quite as jocular as Barbieeeee!


With all my love, graditution, and best wishes for the new year,

Barbie