Sunday, June 24, 2007

Top Chef Recap, Season Three, Episode 2: Sunny D.: or This episode is like putting lipstick on a pig!

We start the show as the chefs are waking up at the "Fountain Blue" hotel:

Micah: "Boy, I am not a morning person. I just can't even function until I've had my first cup of coffee. You know what I'm saying? Who's with me?"

[Sound of crickets]

Micah: "Wow; tough crowd."

The quickfire challenge is brought to you today by the Florida Citrus Council. The guest judge is Norman Van Aken.

Eric Three Thousand: "I've prepared for you half a grapefruit, sprinkled with a little granulated sugar, and garnished with a Maraschino cherry in the center."

Padma: "It's ostentatiously pedestrian! That takes real confidence!"

Norman Van Aken: "It's simple, classic, and elegant! The flavors are perfectly balanced! Most people would have tried to show off but you really took a risk by just focusing on the grapefruit!

Well, it was flattering to be in the top three but Hung ends up winning the quickfire. And he deserves it. He's such a nice guy!

Hung: "No, I'm not! I'm an asshole!"

The elimination challenge is brought to you by Kingsford charcoal and the Los Angeles Times, voted the best newspaper for starting fires since 1893. The chefs have to create an elegant gourmet barbecue. They have $200 to shop.

Micah: "When we got there, everyone went straight to the meat counter."

Well, duh!

Micah: "So I just wandered around the produce section thinking about how much my daughter loves produce. Then I went over to the meat counter and I was all, 'what do you have left,' and they were all, 'well, we have this discounted leg of lamb,' and I was all, 'whatever.'"

Asian Sara almost buys too much meat but Hung saves her.

Asian Sara: "That Hung is such a nice guy! He's always looking out for everyone else! Everyone loves him!"

Hung: "For crying out loud! Why doesn't anyone believe that I'm an asshole?!"

Micah is still whining about missing her daughter:

Micah: "This is the first time I've ever been separated from her. Boo hoo."

Hung: "Oh, don't use your daughter as an excuse for crying."

Wow, what an asshole.

Hung: "SEE! SEE! I told you!"

I'm just joking. Everyone was thinking the same thing. It will take more than that to convince me that you are an asshole."

Hung: "Son of a bitch."

So the chefs have two hours to prepare the food in the kitchen before taking it out to the beach the next day. Tom Collicchio comments on Sandee:

Tom: "It's like putting lipstick on a pig."

Well, that's just rude! It's true she could use a little help with her makeup, but still ...

Tom: "No, I was talking about her dish. She's over-seasoning her lobster and it's just not barbecue."

Oh. Sorry. I'm still not sure I understand the metaphor, though. Lobster is like a pig?

The chefs finish their prep:

Asian Sara: "Ow, ow, ow! Holy crap, these are hot!"

What's wrong?

Asian Sara: "I bought the wrong damn peppers. You would not believe how freaking hot they are! The judges' heads are going to explode tomorrow. God, I'm such an idiot."

Oh, I'm sure it will be fine.

The host of the party is someone named Lee Shrager. Apparently he is famous for his celebrity-filled barbecues. As usual, the chefs pretend to know who he is.

The judges show up. Padma is wearing a cute dress and Gail has enormous knockers. Then Shrager and a bunch of his total-nobody guests show up. Howie has over-cooked his pork. Joey has made some boring chicken legs. Sandee hasn't actually barbecued anything. Brian makes fish sausage.

Padma: "Hey, Chris, that's a nice sausage you have there."

Chris: "No, Brian's the one who made the sausage."

Padma: "I know."

Oooh, Padma, that's so naughty!

Joey accuses Hung of stealing his idea for a watermelon drink. For the quickfire, Joey had served a completely different drink of watermelon juice and Grand Marnier because, as everyone knows, watermelon is a very popular citrus fruit. Hung, on the other hand, made the bizarre association of watermelon with barbecue and mixed some watermelon juice with Champagne. Joey threatens to give Hung some knee pants. Does anyone have any idea what that means? This was Hung's perfect opportunity to be an asshole but instead he defends himself and says he didn't know Joey had taken out the patent on watermelon juice. All the other chefs support Hung. They decide Joey is the asshole.

Hung: "God, I really suck at being an asshole."

Anyway, Brian wins! He wins nothing? The judges have to decide whether it is worse to make barbecue that is not upscale or upscale food that is not barbecue. That's a tough call. To settle it, the judges ask Joey who should go home. Well, obviously, he would be the authority.

Joey: "Howie should go home."

Howie: "Yo momma!"

Joey: "No, yo momma!"

Tom: "Thank you. That has helped us reach our decision."

Padma: "Sandee, please pack your knives and go."

Tune in next week to see if some of the chefs' breasts can be used as flotation devices.


Ms. Place said...

Whoops, we chose the same title. That's ok. Great minds think alike!!

Java Junkie said...

You do the best recaps ever!

Anonymous said...

Well, the citizens of Bellefontaine, Ohio pronounce it Bell Fountain....

-- desertwind

PS - Eric, have you been reading Angler?

Calady said...

Love that other Eric entered the QF challenge. ROFLMAO

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

Delicious recap.

wildflower38 said...

Eric was robbed on the QF!!!!!!

Marius said...

Yeah, Hung sucks at being an asshole.

Great recap!