Project Runway Season Four: the premiere: or the pointless tent episode!

Can you believe it's back? It seems like only five or six years since the last season!

First let's meet the designers:

Rami: He designed for Jessica Alba so he doesn't need your pity.

Chris: Larger than life (those are his words). He's been practicing making costumes out of heads of lettuce just in case that comes up.

Christian: Finally someone who went to my stupid little design school. Three seasons of "Parsons this" and "Fashion Institute that" and never anything about the American Intercontinental University!

The American Inter-what?

Exactly.

Carmen: She used to be a model so now she knows all about fashion. She's practically Heidi Klum.

Gillian: She was an illustrator and now she's sick of that.

Kit: Her nickname is "Pistol" because ... um ... I don't know why.

Kevin: He used to make jeans and he's the token straight guy this season. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jack: Just Jack.

Steve: I think he's cute but Eric thinks he looks like a serial killer. Are those mutually exclusive?

Elisa: She started out making marionettes and then moved on to shapeless sacks that she calls "costumes." She's "on the edge of avant-garde." As opposed to being in the middle of the mainstream.

Marion: He owned a flower shop.

Sweet P: This is the result of Popeye and Olive Oyl raising an abandoned baby.

Simone: It doesn't really matter.

Victorya: She was born in South Korea and moved to Texas as a child with her nine sisters ... Oh, wait ... no.

Ricky: "This has been such an emotional year for me; I (sniff) lost my boutique (sniff) and this dress I made out of my jeans represents my whole life and it's a combination of my culture and my new life and it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes and (sniff) ... no! I said I wasn't going to do this! This just means so much to me! Waaaaaaaaa!"

Andre Gonzalo: "Wow, what a freak."

The designers move into their new digs:

Christian: "Ooh, beds! Well, la dee da, how fancy! I sleep in a pet carrier at home."

Kevin: "Yeah, I know what you mean ... wait ... what?"

Basically, that was all the excitement at the apartments. No joy buzzers, no huge fights over the closets, no stealing of "special pillows from home."

Now on to the show:

Heidi: "Hi, everybody! I'm Heidi Klum! Standing next to me is Tim Gunn!

Tim: "Thank you, Heidi!"

Heidi: "For what? Saying that you are standing next to me?"

Tim: "Thank you for letting me stand next to you."

Heidi: "OK. Why don't you tell everybody about the first challenge?"

Tim: "First let me say that I think this is the strongest group ever. Previous groups have been made up almost entirely of talentless losers but not this time! So, let me tell you about the first challenge: you know how in previous seasons the first challenge has been something really goofy? Well, to shake things up, this time we made sure the first challenge wasn't interesting at all! Isn't that crazy?! What will we think of next? So, see those tents over there? Well, inside the tents you will find nice fabric from Mood and you can make something out of that."

Designers: "We don't understand. Are we supposed to use the tents for something?"

Tim: "No. We just had some extra money in the budget so we put up some tents. Aren't they cute? NOW RUN!"

Phil Keoghan: "These 15 designers are here in New York City starting the first leg of a race around the world!"

Tim: "No, they aren't. they're just running over to those tents to pick out some fabric."

Phil: "And that's where they'll find their first clue."

Tim: "No; then they'll take the fabric back to Parsons and make an outfit."

Phil: "Once they've completed this task, they'll be handed their next clue."

Tim: "Oh, for the love of god."

So the designers are all running at top speed across the lawn because they all have to have that one amazing plaid fabric that is visible from space. Poor "larger than life" Chris finally makes it to the tents looking like he's just finished a half marathon but he still gets the fabric he wanted.

Back at Parsons Jack puts on his fabric like a cape and says he's a superhero:

One of the designers (Christian?): "Well, he looks like a superhero!"

The rest of the designers: "Yeah, he's cute!"

Jack: "Oh, my god, you guys; I'm right here! It makes me very uncomfortable when everyone is constantly talking about how good looking I am! Will you guys be a little more sensitive and show some class?"

Other designers: "You're right, Jack. It was very insensitive of us to make you feel like a sex object and we are sorry."

Jack: "Apology accepted. Besides, you bitches couldn't afford me."

Elisa is working with grass-stained fabric. She is measuring her model:

Elisa: "OK, first I'm going to measure you psychically by waving my hands around you and getting vibrations from these crystals and the magical fairies that are talking to me."

Model: "Why don't you use a tape measure like a normal person? Are you saying I'm fat?"

Elisa: "Then I'm going to sew the dress together while I'm wearing it."

Model: "Oh, my god; do you think we wear the same size dress?! I'm never eating again!"

OK, before the judging we go on a trip to the Broad Foundation in Santa Monica with Santino Rice. I'll be damned if I can figure out why. It would have been nice if he had explained a little bit about the Broad Foundation instead of just telling us he likes to go there because "art is fashion." Did you like what you saw? Do you want to visit? Well, too bad; you can't. The Broad collection is not open to the public; It's a lending collection that is available to scholars by appointment. I guess the point of that little segment was to demonstrate that Santino is special enough to get into the Broad collection.

Back to the show:

No, wait; first we have to vote on what we like best about Project Runway:

What's your favorite part?

1: The pregnancies.

2: The screaming.

3: The sex.

4: The drunken parties.

or

5: Tim Gunn.

You can only vote for one!

OK, FINALLY, on to the runway:

Heidi looks cute in a little gold dress. The guest judge is Monique Lhuillier.

Other Eric: "So that's what she looks like."

Christian's outfit is very nice. Eric doesn't like it but I think it's cute. It looks very well made. The judges agree with me and pronounce it good.

Rami's dress is beautiful! He really is a master of draping. The bust of his dress doesn't look as good on the model as it did on the mannequin but the back of the dress is gorgeous. He deservedly wins this challenge. He gets immunity for the next challenge. Congratulations, Rami!

Victoria's black dress is kind of interesting. It's one of the outfits left on the runway that you are not sure whether the judges think it is in the top or the bottom. Turns out they liked it.

Elisa's model was almost strangled to death as she got tangled up in the stupid train flowing out of the bottom of the dress. Heidi thought it looked like the model was pooping fabric. Michael Kors thought Elisa should have edited herself and left off the train. Elisa goes into a 45 minute explanation of the spiritual experience you were supposed to get from seeing the fabric flowing behind the dress. Too much talk, not enough walk.

Andre Gonzalo: "Seriously; what the hell is wrong with these people?"

Elisa: "You know, there was a little voice in my head telling me to cut off the train."

Tim: "Actually that was me. People often confuse me with the little voice in their head."

Ricky is in the bottom three because he made a little baby doll dress. It's true that it's a pretty boring design but it's very cute and well made so I'll give him a pass on this one.

Simone created an astoundingly bad outfit. There was nothing redeeming about it.

Other Eric: "I like the color of the waistband."

Wow, he really had to scrape for that compliment. The dress was boring, the jacket was a mess, and the whole thing was just so badly made.

This was an easy decision. Simone had to go. Sorry!

Next week someone makes a dramatic announcement!