Top Chef New York, Episode 8: Animal Farm (duh)!

Last week Melissa and Eugene were sent home:

Eugene: "When the booze is gone it's time to move on.

What's your point?

Eugene: "My point is there is still plenty of booze."

You still have to leave.

We start the episode with the usual sexy scenes of the chefs getting dressed, drying their hair, and covering the entire apartment in Glad wrap so that if the building falls over nothing will spill.

For no particular reason, chef Hung is the guest judge for the quickfire. Apparently he won season three. I have a hard time remembering who won.

Fabio: "Hung is a little fish. I think there is an aquarium under that blanket and Hung is going to dive in and swim around in it. Guaranteed."

Well, that's what it sounded like to me. Anyway, it turns out to be a table full of canned and packaged food. Padma tells the chefs they have to make something good from the garbage they have to work with:

Padma: "And because Hung is the shortest Top Chef winner, you will have a very short amount of time to cook. That's how we worked him into the challenge."

Stephanie: "Hey, I'm shorter!"

I think she's right. So the chefs spend the entire 15 minutes complaining about how they are only used to the finest, freshest ingredients and they don't know how to used a can opener. Stefan reminds us what a smart guy he is, as he opens a can of meat with a sledge hammer.

Stefan wins the quickfire:

Josea: "Obviously he won because I gave him some SPAM."

Actually, I think it was the Velveeta that put him over the top.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs draw knives and split into three teams of three:

Josea, Leah and Ariane are Team Lamb
Carla, Jamie, and Stefan are Team Chicken
Fabio, Jeff and Radhika and Team Pig

Jamie and Stefan are fighting over the menu:

Stefan: "We already decided on the menu and now it is the time for the smoking of the cigarettes."

Jamie: "So you're calling me a douche? You're saying I can't cook?"

Did he say that?

Josea is worried that his team's meal isn't seasonal enough:

Ariane: "Well, we could do it as a barbecue."

Josea and Leah: "No, it has to be roasted. You have to do it the way we tell you but you have to take full responsibility for it."

Ariane: "Fair enough."

The chefs are taken out into the country, where nobody will be able to hear their screams. They demonstrate all the special features in the sponsored car, like the cup holders, the sun shades, and the secret compartment for storing the bodies.

Dan Barber of Blue Hill at Stone Farms tells the chefs about how they will be visiting the adorable animals and then hunting and slaughtering them:

Padma: "To make it a real challenge the animals will all be heavily armed and will also be hunting you! Good luck!"

OH, MY GOD! It's a bloodbath! I can't look!

What, I can look? Oh, I seem to have misunderstood. It turns out they don't actually have to kill the animals. They just get to have a nice little visit with the animals and then someone else will kill them. The animals, that it; not the chefs. I know; confusing, right? So, the animals are killed off screen:

Mark Wahlberg: "Hello, goat. How you doin'? I have to slaughter you now. Say hi to your mother for me."

During our regularly-scheduled programming break during the commercials, we get a scene of Jamie and Stefan with the chickens:

Stefan: "The chickens don't like Jamie. But who doesn't?"

Apparently the chickens don't. You just said so.

Stefan tests the sensors:

Stefan: "I'm the only pussy in the hen house. I'm a giant pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy."

Is he allowed to say that?

The meals are served.

Although Stefan's soup isn't appreciated on a hot day, the chicken team is the favorite. The cutlets are good and Carla's tart is the favorite dessert.

The judges didn't like the meals made by Team Lamb or Team Pig.

Toby makes some stupid comments about lamb dressed as mutton and pesto being the pig bad wolf that blew down the pig dish. OK, fine, the lamb dressed as mutton comment was pretty good; it's just that everything he says sounds so scripted.

All three chefs on Team Chicken win the challenge. They go tell the other chefs:

Jamie: "We all won! And when I say that I'm not including the rest of you."

The other six chefs all lost. Just kidding. Only one chef is out. Obviously, it's Ariane. Sorry, Ariane, you were really screwed on that one.

So Toby wants to have unprotected sex with a pig. Sounds like Tom Cruise is getting lucky!