Top Chef New York, Episode Seven: Look out girls, there's a new bitch in town!

Seriously, that new judge is bitchy:

Carla: "GAAAAAYYYY . . . "

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. But that doesn't explain why he is so bitchy.

Carla: "No, you didn't let me finish; I was calling for Gail to please come back."

Oh, yeah, I totally second that emotion. Does Gail really need a permanent honeymoon? Please, Gail, you voluptuous, sexy goddess, come back and save us from this evil queen!

So, anyway, I have to start by apologizing for being such a lame-ass and not posting for so long. It's been weeks! And I could have posted a recap of the repeat of last year's holiday special. But I didn't. Other Eric told me I should recap it again and then compare it to my recap from last year:

Other Eric: "You should pay me for these brilliant ideas."

Me: "Oh, you'll receive remuneration, if you know what I mean."

Other Eric: "Ooh!"

OK, it's actually not that sexy here at the Eric household. Anyway, I decided that I didn't need to recap the same show twice so I just forgot about it. But guess what? It turns out I didn't even recap the holiday special last year! When I went and looked at my post the other day, what I found was a post saying:

"Congratulations, Tiffani!"

That was about it. What a lame-ass. Well, in my defense, It was Project Runway season and I was busy. The point is, it turns out I could have done a recap of the holiday special. And it would have been hilarious! I can just imagine how hilarious it would have been . . .

. . . Yeah, that was hilarious! Too bad I didn't write it.

So, the reason I didn't have time to write a recap of the rerun of last year's holiday special is that we were replacing the old light switches and outlets in our house. One minor explosion and an expensive new electrical panel later, our switches and outlets look fabulous. In fact, the only way they could be better is if they actually worked. I'm just kidding; most of them work.

Finally, on to this week's recap:

Last time no one went home. It was a Christmas miracle:

Tom: "This time two people are going home! Happy New Year!"

Chefs: "What a dick."

We start this episode with Eugene being pissed off, Fabio making SPAM (did I hear that right?), and Jamie being in a bad mood. She'll wash that pot later, Arian. Seriously, Arian, she'll do it later, OK?! Stop being so passive-aggressive.

The quickfire challenge will be judged by the French pastry chef and star of the soon-to-be-not-a-hit-new-show Chef Academy, Jean-Christoff Novelli:

Jean-Christoff: "The way Padma and I keep our girlish figures is by drinking delicious and refreshing Diet Dr. Pepper!"

OK, Other Eric is pretending to do a commercial right now with the can of Diet Dr. Pepper he happens to be drinking. Seriously.

Padma wants a sweet treat that doesn't taste like it's diet:

Padma: "Now blatantly-sponsored segments of Top Chef are even more like regular segments of Top Chef!"

I don't know; it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

Supposedly, this is a "calorie count" challenge. Except that the only rule is that the chefs can't use sugar. Some of the chefs are using honey, which I'm pretty sure has a lot of calories.

Jean-Christoff is very finicky about cream:

Jean-Christoff: "OH, MY GOD! This cream is over-whipped! I don't think I can go on living!"

For some reason Stefan suddenly turns into a Kristen Wiig character from Saturday Night Live:

Stefan: "I'm French, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, yes I am, just kidding, I'm actually Finnish, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, I'm really finished, just kidding, no I just started, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, just kidding, just kidding."

Seriously, what the hell?

The bottom three are Carla, Arian, and Jamie.

The top three are Radhika, Leah, and Jeff and Rahdika wins immunity in the elimination challenge! Congratulations, Radhika:

Radhika: "I almost feel bad about how much better I am than the other chefs."

Tomorrow they will be meeting the new Top Chef judge, Toby Young:

Fabio: "He's a foot critic."

I wish that actually seemed stranger than it does.

Tom tells us that the elimination challenge will be a blind tasting:

Tom: "The guest judge will be Andrea Bocelli."

Oh, Tom, that is really offensive.

Tom: "No, I'm serious."

Oh, sorry.

Tom: "Psych!"

Good one, Tom!

So, this is a really fun challenge! The chefs get to create anything they want and then half the chefs sit down with the judges and comment on the dishes of the other chefs, while the group being judged watches on television. And they judge the dishes without knowing who made it!

The chefs break into two groups to prepare a signature dish for the judges. Carla wimps out about doing a vegetarian dish, Jamie is doing fucking scallops again, and Eugene is insane.

After the food is served, Padma calls the chefs into the dining room:

Padma: "Thank you. I called you in here so I could tell you to get out."

Everyone hates Radhika's soup, Arian's skate is good, Carla's scallop has too much garlic, Fabio's lamb was undercooked but the ravioli was good, Melissa's fish tacos tasted like she wasn't confident, they liked Jamie's scallop dish, and they liked Stefan's duck dish with cabbage and dumplings.

Tom thinks the chefs are really learning something this week:

Tom: "I think they are really learning how to handle humiliation."

Arian, Jamie, and Stefan were the top three and Jamie wins! Congratulations, Jamie, you finally won! Will you please stop making fucking scallops now?

Melissa, Eugene, and Carla are the bottom three:

Melissa: "I enjoyed listening to the critiques of my dish."

Tom: "Seriously? You enjoyed listening to us rip you a new one?"

Before the eliminations are announced, Padma has one final question:

Padma: "Does anyone have anything really stupid to say?"

Melissa: "Yes, I'd like to say that I really want to be here."

Padma: "Wow. I was prepared for you to say something stupid but that still surprised me."

Eugene thinks he is so creative but his fish was flavorless and he doesn't know how to prepare daikon:

Tom: "I really believe in honoring the food and I am totally sad that a poor daikon had to give its life for that dish."

Melissa and Eugene are out.

I'll leave you with this insight into what our new judge looks for in a dish:

Toby: "I thought Jeff's avocado sorbet was as good as Tom Cruise. I think Tom Cruise is delicious!"

OK, ew.