Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Top Chef New York, episode twelve: Da Top Chefi Code!

Last time the weener was Stefan:

Stefan: "There is something very special about me. I think it will be revealed in this episode."

Last time Jamie was eliminated. Her body was found in one of the galleries of the Louvre covered in symbols:

Padma: "It's a Fibonacci number sequence! Da Vinci!"

OH MY GOD! There's the evil masochistic albino monk who murdered her! Oh, wait, that's just Toby. Never mind.

So, in this episode the chefs have to solve the mysteries left in the work of Leonardo da Vinci. (By the way, his name was Leonardo and not "Da Vinci." Vinci was his home town, not his last name. Sorry; a little pet peeve). The chefs are being hunted down by Opus Dei because one of them holds the secret that has been protected by the Knights Templar for almost two thousand years.

But before we get to that, lets check in with the chefs:

Leah has always wanted to cook. That's the only thing she does well. Which would be fine if she actually did that well.

Carla used to be a model and that's how she started buying cookbooks. I guess that makes sense. To Carla.

Wylie Dufresne, the famous molecular symbologist, will be decoding the entries this week:

Wylie: "I like eggs because they symbolise the resurrection of Christ."

No, this challenge doesn't have anything to do with Easter.

Wylie: "Fine. I just like eggs."

OK, so they have to make clever egg dishes. Stefan makes a pretty cool pannacotta with mango goo in the middle so that it looked just like a soft-boiled egg. Fabio does basically the same thing but not as good. Shockingly, Carla wins with green eggs and ham, which seemed like the worst idea ever. Seriously, I'm sure it tasted fine but that just really isn't very interesting unless maybe you are a child.

The chefs pick knives with the names of death row inmates and they have to prepare their last meals. God, this is so depressing:

Fabio: "I would want my grandma to make my last meal. Because there is nothing a woman enjoys more than to cook a meal before burying her own grandson."

Carla's big advantage is that she gets to switch inmates but, of course, there's no point so she doesn't.

After dinner at chef Harold's restaurant, Perilla, the chefs get to work.

Tom gives the chefs advice:

Tom: "Job 38:11. 'Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further.'"

Thanks, Tom. That's a big help.

Tom: "OK, fine. The holy grail 'neath ancient Roslin waits. The blade and chalice guarding o'er her gates. Adorned in masters' loving art, she lies. She rests at last beneath the starry skys."

That's more like it.

Padma: "What does it mean?"

Obviously it refers to the fact that Mary Magdalene is buried under Capitale, the exclusive events venue in lower Manhattan.

Padma: "Oh, right."

The chefs get to work cooking:

Tom: "You will not succeed. Only the worthy can unlock the stone."

Give it a rest, Tom.

Fabio is struggling with the albino and ends up with a broken finger:

Padma: "It's a cryptex. Da Vinci's design."

What the hell are you talking about, Padma?"

Padma: "I just felt like saying a line from the movie. Was it not relevant? Sorry."

Tom enters the cockpit:

Tom: "Don't embarrass me. We're all counting on you."

Hey, how did an Airplane reference get in there? We're doing the Da Vinci Code, people!

So, let's see what the chefs made for the death row inmates:

Leah made eggs Benedict for Wylie Dufresne, who is on death row for running a molecular meth lab. The judges think the dish is OK but the hollandaise sauce is too runny.

Stefan made salmon with spinach and roasted potatoes for Marcus Samuelsson, who is on death row for murdering nurses. The judges all think the salmon was overcooked.

Hosea made shrimp scampi with tomatoes Proven├žal for the noted pedophile Susan Ungaro. The chefs thought the scampi was good but the tomatoes were not great.

Fabio made roasted chicken with herb-roasted potatoes and caramelized cipollini for someone named Lidia, who is on death row for general crimes against humanity. The judges love it!

Carla made squab for Jaques Papin, who would never hurt a fly. What is he doing on death row! This is tragic! He was obviously framed!

Jaques Papin: "It's OK. Now that I've had Carla's squab I can die happy."

Some of the judges think the squab was overcooked:

Tom: "The young chefs think it was overcooked and the old chefs thought it was perfect."

Lidia: "Did you just call me old?"

The Last Judges' Table in New York:

The judges decide that Fabio made an airline salad and then Tom and Toby get into a fight:

Toby: "Should we take Fabio's broken finger into account?"

Tom: "Well, what do you think, dumb-ass?"

Toby: "I actually liked Leah's hollandaise sauce."

Tom: "I just want to punch you in the face."

Leah is out. Stefan's dish was probably worse but obviously they couldn't send him home.

So the judges recreated Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper, which gives us the answer to the mystery of the Holy Grail:

Sir Ian McKellen: "The Holy Grail is a vessel carrying the blood of Christ. But it isn't a wine glass, it's a person!"

Well, duh.

Sir Ian McKellen: "OK, wiseguy, let's look at Leonardo's painting: if Padma switches places with Toby you can see it proves that Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene got married and had children."

Oh, wow, I never noticed that before.

Sir Ian McKellen: "Fabio wins! He is a direct descendant of Jesus! Congratulations, Fabio, here's a big bottle of the blood of Christ, er, I mean, wine. I always get those confused."

Stefan: "It can't be Fabio! I thought I was the second coming of Christ!"

Yeah, we know.

(I would like to thank IMDB for information on the Da Vinci Code because I hated that stupid movie and don't actually remember anything about it.)


shirlsd said...

cool recap!

Toni said...

I loved it! Really funny! :D

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

That was an hysterical recap. Yes the set, fuzzy filters, tapestries etc.....that was by far the wildest "Bravo Bizarro" to date. I thought it fitting that Fabio gave his blood for it, someone had to.

eric3000 said...

Thanks for your comments!

Laura, I'm so glad Fabio didn't actually have to give his blood. I can't tell you how relieved I was when he broke his finger because, from the previews, I was sure someone had badly cut themselves and blood makes me pass out.

Cliff O'Neill said...

Am beyond late on reading this! Very cute. I kept thinking about that whole Da Vinci Code thing watching this, but had no idea how to make it all work together like this!