Yes, I know that every episode this season has made us all want to vomit, but this episode has actual real-life puking!
Tim: "And I couldn't be more proud!"
Last time, Christopher and Gordana were out and Althea, Irina, and Carol Hannah are going to Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week at Bryant Park.
Heidi tells the three finalists that they will have a few months and nine thousand dollars to create a 12-piece collection.
Tim tries to describe how proud he is:
Tim: "I can't find the words. I've been looking for my thesaurus all morning but it's gone. Please let me know if you find it in the design room."
Tim visits Carol Hannah in Huntington, New York, where she moved from Charleston. She is inspired by the faux-Gothic-revival architecture of Duke University because it reminds her of fairies. Or something.
Carol Hannah asks Tim if he would like to help cook a traditional Southern meal:
Tim: "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I'd be delighted!"
Next, Tim visits Irina in Manhattan and screams into an intercom:
Tim: "IRINA, IT'S TIM."
Tim: "TIM GUNN!"
Irina: "WHAT ABOUT HIM?"
Tim: "NO, I'M HERE AT YOUR BUILDING!"
Irina: "OH. WELL, COME UP."
Tim: "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE MANHATTAN IS SO LOUD! THIS GUY HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND ALL MORNING WITH A GODDAMN JACKHAMMER! I THINK HE EXPECTS A TIP!"
Irina is doing her usual knits and furs but she is also adding graphic tees with pictures of Barack Obama looking pensive yet determined:
Tim: "Irina, I'm afraid you stole that image from an AP photograph."
Irina: "It's called appropriation art, Tim! You just don't get it!"
Tim: "I don't care what you call it. The lawyers say you can't use it."
Next, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, Ohio. He almost dies in a freight elevator:
Tim: "This elevator is so ghetto."
Althea was inspired by costumes from movies:
Tim: "Althea, your clothes are looking a little too much like costumes from movies."
Althea: "Duh! That's my inspiration!"
Tim: "Why is everyone yelling at me?"
A few days before the runway show, Irina and Althea spend some uncomfortable moments in the hotel room:
Althea: "Hi, Irina. How are you?"
Althea: "Well, now we've completely run out of things to talk about. We'll just have to stand here looking awkward so the producers can turn this into major drama."
Tim makes an announcement:
Tim: "Carol Hannah is patient zero for the swine flu. I just wanted to let you know that she's going to infect all of us and by next year it will be a major pandemic. Season six of Project Runway will be responsible for the deaths of fifty thousand people around the world. That's ten thousand more than season five."
This is the biggest tragedy since Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens, Live." A better name for that show would be "Andy Cohen Happens to be Unwatchable Live." Sorry for changing the subject, but I just watched that show for the first time today because Padma was on. I'm never going to make that mistake again.
Oh, wait, Tim has something to add:
Tim: "Let me just say that I couldn't be more proud."
Yeah, we know, Tim. Anyway, the next day Carol Hannah shows up in the design room to infect the other designers. Tim makes his rounds:
Althea's collection is looking old and dowdy:
Irina: "I had the idea of making old, dowdy clothes first!"
OK, seriously, Irina and Althea look like they are working on the same collection. It's Irina's knits combined with Althea's woven angled strips of fabric.
They cast their models and then Michael and Nina show up to tell the designers that they are doing everything wrong:
Michael: "Your runway show should be like going on a ride. If you've ever been in a car with Nina driving, you'll know what I'm talking about. The first look should say, 'Oh, my god, Nina, did you even look before you pulled out?!' and the second look should say, 'Jesus Christ, you're driving too fast!' The third look should say, "I think you wanted to turn left there' and the fourth look should say, 'Look out for the bike!' Finally, you'll want to end with a look that says, 'Nina, it's a red light. Nina? The light is red! NINA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!'"
Nina: "Yeah, that is the last time I pick you up at the airport."
Nina doesn't want an all-black collection. So Irina just makes an entirely new collection:
Irina: "That would have been good advice to get several months ago but whatever."
Heidi visits the design room to announce the impending doom:
Heidi: "In a huge twist this season . . ."
They have to make a 13th look.
Heidi: "How did you know that?"
Seriously? Look, I'm perfectly fine with it but don't act like it's a surprise.
The big news this season is that the designer's main models will be casting the model for the 13th look. I can hardly contain my excitement.
Logan, Christopher, and Gordana are back to help. Logan is working with Althea, Gordana is working with Irina, and Christopher is working with Carol Hannah.
The designers walk to Mood:
Tim: "Notice that we are walking, unlike in Los Angeles, where we had to travel by hovercraft because most of the city has fallen into the Pacific ocean."
The designers visit Swatch, the dog! Cutest name for a dog, EVER!
On the model show, the models get to pick the 13th model for their designers:
Tanisha: "What is your ethnicity?"
Model: "Why do you ask?"
Tanisha: "Because I need someone really ethnic and I can't tell how ethnic you are just by looking at you."
Kalyn is tired of all these young, inexperienced models.
Lisa doesn't get her first choice of blond, willowy model so she's upset. Oh, my god, what a nail biter! Will Carol Hannah hate the model Lisa picks? The answer is no. Carol Hannah will be perfectly happy with the model, partly because the model is fine and partly because Carol Hannah has a very high fever and is hallucinating.
The models visit with their families and they tell us about growing up:
Kalyn: "I didn't go the usual route of going to college and getting a degree in modeling. I'm a self-taught model."
Tune in for the finale, when Tim gets very close to losing it:
Tim: "Obviously, I will not, in fact, lose it. But I will be in the general vicinity of losing it."