That's right; it's that time again for all the designers to get creatively backed up. Every season it's exactly the same; the final challenge before the designers make collections is an "inspiration" challenge where they can basically do anything they want. And every season it's a complete and utter disappointment. Without the structure of a normal challenge, the designers are lost:
Designers: "We're really tired, you A-hole!"
Well, might I suggest you sleep through the entire challenge? The results couldn't be any worse.
Mondo: "I'll try that."
We interrupt this post for a paid political announcement:
-twenty-eight years of crushing hopes
-twenty-eight years of destroying dreams
-twenty-eight years of strangling adorable kittens with her bare hands
Carly Fiorina: "I'm Carly Fiorina and I approved this message."
So that's who destroyed my dreams! Thanks, Carly Fiorina!
Sorry about that, but I have to pay my bills somehow. Anyway, last week I think Mondo won and America was thrilled to have the opportunity to send Ivy home again. Heidi tells the designers they have the night off and they will be sent someplace luxurious to relax:
Designers: "YOU ARE PURE EVIL! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO US?!"
Heidi: "No, really. I want you to have a nice evening. Nothing bad will happen."
Designers: "We've never been so scared in all our lives."
The designers drink champagne at a hotel and make meaningless statements:
Gretchen: "I know I'm here because I'm not someplace else. That's physics."
Andy: "We all have a story. Stories are interesting."
Mondo: "I know this show loves me because it set me free."
April: "I'm twenty-one years old. And I can prove it."
Michael: "How did I become the voice of reason on this show?"
The designers meet Michael Bloomberg, the owner of New York City:
Michael Bloomberg: "I paid a lot of money for this city. Considerably over asking price, if I'm being honest. Some people told me I would have been better off buying a South American country. I disagree. I think New York was a good investment. But now that I'm an empty-nester, I find myself knocking about this big old place and thinking about downsizing. There are really more landmarks than I know what to do with. So if you see something you like, you can have it."
Andy: "I've always wanted Central Park!"
Michael Bloomberg: "It's yours! I have to warn you, though, you'll be spending all your weekends doing yard work."
So, yeah, the designers have to choose a New York City landmark for inspiration. It doesn't go well.
Andy picks Central Park, because it's the biggest thing he could think of.
Michael C. picks the statue of Eleanor Roosevelt in Riverside Park because that's the kind of deep, intelligent thinker he is:
Michael: "Eleanor Roosevelt was such an inspirational figure. She was a champion of human rights and a total clothes horse."
Mondo picks a Tootie picture of the Brooklyn Bridge. What the hell is a Tootie picture?
Other Eric: "Not Tootie from the Facts of Life. 2-D as in two-dimensional."
Oh. Well, I think a Tootie picture would have been more interesting.
Mondo: "Twenty-seven men died building this bridge. But, through a fanciful use of patterned fabric, I can turn it into a symbol of hope."
April was going to be inspired by the same bridge, because there are so few landmarks in New York. But this is my blog so I'm assigning her the Holland Tunnel because it better represents her aesthetic. It's dark and repetitive and a daily annoyance to thousands of people.
Gretchen goes to the Lower East Side and is inspired by a brick. Not really a landmark. Just saying.
Gretchen: "But I like it!"
Whatever. Knock yourself out.
Back at the hotel, April tells us again that she's twenty-one and Gretchen pretends to care and ... OH MY GOD THIS EPISODE IS SO BORING I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!
Heidi: "Well, stay tuned because after the commercial break someone might get stabbed!"
STOP IT! THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
The little ray of sunshine in this episode was guest judge Christian Siriano, who had very thoughtful advice and critiques for the designers. He's a nice lady.
I just wanted to slap all of them for creating such crap. I know people associate New York City with black clothes, but give me a break! Andy made an awful black dress, April made an awful black dress, Mondo made a slightly less awful black and white dress, Gretchen made a mess, and Michael made a very pretty black dress.
If I see another black dress I'm going to punch Daniel Franco in the nuts.
The judges like Andy's and Mondo's but I think the judges are are as tired and loopy as the designers are at this point. I thought both dresses were overworked and pointless. Actually, I didn't hate Mondo's but I didn't like it much either.
They gave the win to Michael, and I have to agree it was the best thing on the runway. That's not saying much, of course. Michael's dress was pretty and elegant and well-made and not really anything we haven't seen before. Obviously, it didn't help that it was black. Have I mentioned that all these black dresses are making me want to scream? I have? OK, just checking.
Anyway, congratulations, Michael. Your dress didn't suck.
So April and Gretchen are the bottom two. The judges complain that Gretchen's looks too different from what she usually makes and April's looks too similar to what she usually makes. Who knows what the judges want?
Heidi: "April, why can't you surprise us with some color?"
April: "I put some dark blue fabric in the lining of the skirt. surprise."
Heidi: "get out."
Sorry, April. The good news is that you are still twenty-one. Nobody can ever take that away from you. Until you turn twenty-two. If you haven't accomplished all your dreams by then, you should just give up.