Project Runway Season Nine: Project Runway and Deathly Hallows, Part Two! (Warning: there are absolutely no Harry Potter spoilers ahead)

Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by Hebrew National hotdogs:

God: "OMFG, they're kosher!"

Thank you, God. OK, so we left off last time with our young hero, Mondo, watching helplessly as the master of the Dark Arts, Michael Kors, violently murdered our trusted mentor, Professor Tim Gunn, by throwing him off the roof of the Atlas Apartments. This leaves Heidi and Nina to search for the horcrux:

Nina: "I most certainly am not wasting my time searching for some horcrux."

Heidi: "Oh, come on, Nina, horcrux is delicious! It's so refreshing served over ice."

Nina: "You're thinking of horchata."

Heidi: "Oh, right. Can we search for some of that?"

Nina: "Sure. Just let me grab my purse."

OK, so remember how season eight of Project Runway NEVER HAPPENED? Good. I think we're all on the same page. So we start this season with the casting special, featuring the last winner of Project Runway, Seth Aaron! That's right, he's the last winner of Project Runway, because season eight NEVER HAPPENED! Got it? Don't make me say it again!

Seth Aaron: "I'm self-taught, so I really like the self-taught designers, because they're self-taught, and since I'm self-taught, I'm really intrigued by self-taughtedness."

Whatever. Can you at least find some people who know how to sew.

Seth Aaron: "Absolutely. We are only going to be selecting people who have at least two months of sewing experience."

Good. OK, so the casting show is really not very exciting. Tim tells us he's going to show us a bunch of "comic relief" and then doesn't. For some reason, there are way too many menswear designers on the show.

Designer: "My menswear would translate really well into womenswear. All you have to do is take my menswear and change it into womenswear. See? It's just that simple."

Then why didn't you do that and bring some womenswear into the audition?

Designer: "Because it's not that simple."

Tim tells us about the importance of diversity in selecting the final group of designers:

Tim: "And by diversity, what I really mean is that all the designers should be Mormon."

Fun fact #1: Most Mormons dream of being fashion designers.

Fun fact #2: All Mormons are gay.

On to the first episode: This will be a very short recap because I haven't bothered to learn the designers' names and not much happened. Tim wakes up the designers at five in the morning for a come-as-you-are challenge. They have to create looks using only their pajamas, one cotton-poly bed-sheet, and apparently unlimited quantities of lace and feathers. Then we have a runway full of perfectly adequate clothing. Nothing very exciting. Christina Ricci is the guest judge. Burt won. Five people went home. Technically, four designers didn't even make it to the first challenge, but the point is five people were sent home in the first episode. And that's basically what happened. It maybe wasn't such a strong start to the season, but I think it will get better.

Tim: "Enjoy one of the top ten seasons of Project Runway ever!"

Yeah, well, I hope we get to learn a little about the models this season:

Heidi: "One model is a Gemini and one model is from Italy."

OK, slow down. Waaay too much information. I said I wanted to learn a little bit about the models, not get their whole life story! Geez!

Anyway, Rafael, Serena, Gunnar, and two other people went home:

Serena: "I postponed my wedding in Iceland for this. Oh, well. I could only do this once, but I can fly to Iceland any time."

Bjork: "Oh, no you can't."

Why would you say that, Bjork?

Bjork: "Because I'm quirky and adorable and I say silly things."

Aww, she's so cute!

Bjork: "Also, the volcanos will kill you."

I think that's Greenland.

Bjork: "No one cares."