Saturday, July 28, 2012

Project Runway Season X, episode two: Let the Games Begin!

[photo credit: time.com]

Over these buildings, in these streets, on this stage, on this isle of wonder, Manhattan, a decade of beautiful minds have defined the measure of our planet, and stubbornly propelled our fashion progress toward enlightenment, toward lasting achievement. Here, the location of time's most famous square, we divide the hemispheres into whether you are in or out, set our clocks to an imaginary line, 9:00 P.M. Eastern Time, measured in Greenwich Village. but the laws of relativity, not Newton's, apply to a designer's pursuit, an inescapable eternity of repetition, hours, days, years, from margins calculated by inches, centimeters, decimal points, for the promise of moments everlasting. Even when motion is all but frozen, we may still doubt what we see. Two and a half pleats, an asymmetrical hem, a dart slicing two feet, to find a target two and a half inches in diameter. 

And as the competition returns to Parsons for the ninth time in the modern era, the Project Runway theatre will entertain us with a Shakespearian swoop, with effusive, fast emerging designers, honor students with soaring expectations, with a mature feminist who refuses to take the advice of her mentor, a girl trying to recover from a debilitating glue-gun accident, and several disasterous experiments with cotton-candy; on heels, on water, in mid-air, Parsons' lions will be tracked by the lens of a media microscope, where advantage is defined by hundredths of a second. And in design's greatest rivalry, the ultimate competitor, Gunnar, collides with the raw commitment and zen-like cool of Christofur, who soon could be the most decorated designer of this season. 

Here, where monuments were built in an age of mythology, where for ten years a ceremony of keys nightly locks the prisoners in the Atlas tower, here, where fairytales never end, and a group of designers, indomitable, sustain the flame of fashion. Here on the isle of wonder we'll hear again the echos of an ancient ethos: faster, tighter, shorter. Ocius, adstringo, brevis. How fast, how tight, how short, can we extend the very measure of a garment, before slipping into hooker territory? Theirs is a pursuit of timeless achievement, be it astonishing ... magnificent ... everlasting.

Bob Costas: "Parsons, five hundred years ago the residence of Henry VIII. Now, on a Thursday in the summer of 2012 it's where the Project Runway torch began the final leg in the journey that started by tradition in New Jersey, and today the torch continues along the Hudson River, through Lower Manhattan, and east to Dylan's Candy Bar, where, with 15 designers from about five countries, the flame will be lit again and Queen Elizabeth will declare open the second episode of the tenth season of Project Runway. Historic Brooklyn Bridge is adorned with the Project Runway logo for all the city and the world to see, and Kenneth Branaugh is dressed, if I'm not completely mistaken, as Abraham Lincoln. Hi, everybody, I'm Bob Costas and I think you'll agree that my hair is almost a color that can be found in nature."

His hair does look better than usual. Now, before we start, I have to tell you that due to weather conditions, you have been provided with a poncho to wear. Please don't use umbrellas in your house; it will affect your viewing experience and it is also bad luck. Thank you. This week's episode will be produced by famed director Danny Boyle:

Meredith Vieira: "I asked my dear friend Danny Boyle about the challenge of producing this episode of Project Runway. He knows he can't compete with last week's over-the-top episode in Times Square, so tonight you are going to see something more cinematic, a mix of live action and short films. In other words, it's going to be cheap. But Danny said he was feeling very confident."

Michael Kors: "Is it confidence or arrogance?"

Meredith Vieira: "What's the difference?"

Michael Kors: "It's simple: if you think you're great and I agree with you, then it's confidence; if you think you're great and I don't agree with you, then it's arrogance."

Meredith Vieira: "Wow, that is simple."

The episode starts with the designers meeting Ralph Lauren's daughter at her candy store, where you can get a bag of jelly beans for the low low price of $500.

Dylan Lauren: "And all this controversy about my jelly beans being manufactured in China is totally overblown. We're living in a global economy, people! The important thing is that I'm really, really rich."

Look, I'm not judging. Time for the Parade of Nations!

Bob Costas: "Just a reminder: the models will be walking the runway in alphabetical order, based on the Pig Latin form of their names."

Yes, Bob, everyone knows that. Here are some of the comments Bob makes as the designers walk into the Parsons stadium:

Bob Costas: "First up is Gunnar, with a black and white peplum dress made of liccorice. Interesting fact about Gunnar: like most of the competitors tonight, he has never won a challenge, yet he still thinks he is hot shit."

"Sonjia created a pretty blue number out of jelly beans and gummy sharks. This tiny land-locked designer usually does better in winter sports."

"Melissa created a terrific leather-look outfit from licorrice. The king of her country offered untold riches to anyone who brought home a gold."

"Nathan made a really heavy skirt that looks like a giant lampshade. Nathan is the defending table-tennis champion in his parents' basement."

"Andrea made a candy-button apron with an umbrella-fabric bustle. There are four countries sending women to the competition for the first time."

"Alicia made an asymmetrical romper. You can always recognize Team Bermuda because of their shorts."

"Elena has never won a medal in badminton."

"Fabio was suspended from competition for five years because he accidentally took cold medication. Fortunately, the verdict was overturned on appeal and here he is. I made up that story, but that doesn't make it any less interesting."

"Dmitry is representing the country of Belarus. 97% of Americans do not know that county exists."

"Kooan is representing Japan. Japan is not walking together with North Korea this year. Or any other year. Just thought I'd mention it."

"Christofur made a nice dress that looks beaded. He was going for his second gold medal, but he didn't get it."

"Raul created a pretty blue top, but the skirt is ugly. Kim Jong Il is supposed to have shot seven holes-in-one the very first time he ever played golf. That's a lie and I'm not afraid to say it."

"Buffi made a nice woven top but she over-accessorized. Idi Amin once told me that the one thing he can't abide is over-accessorizing."

"Lantie was going to open a shop, but then the market for shops crashed. So it's just bad timing that has kept her from being a really successful shop owner. It has nothing to do with the fact that she can't design clothes. Lantie made a dress out of an umbrella and she is out."

"Ven made a pretty dress that looks like a stained-glass window. He wins the competition and sticks his flag in Glastonbury Tor. Tor is an ancient Celtic word that means 'the cattle are dying.' Stay tuned for Paul McCartney!"

9 comments:

Ellen said...

It was a crappy challenge. Making clothes embellished with candy is stupid!

Why don't they make a red carped look out of Mood scraps? Or something from People of WalMart photo victims. Or restyle Goodwill finds.

Any way, I enjoyed your Olympic analysis of PR 10-2. Just waiting to see which national anthem plays in the end.

Cliff O'Neill said...

Bravo! Gold medals all around!

lovemesomevenandsonjia said...

Great post Eric! My favorite line is defintely this:

"Idi Amin once told me that the one thing he can't abide is over-accessorizing."

And my faves got 1 and 2 this week! Yeah baby.

suzq said...

"Ocius, adstringo, brevis."

I lost bladder control reading that.

eric3000 said...

Ha ha! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! I thought you had a kinda unusual format this time, then I read down a bit and saw the words "Bob Costas" and couldn't couldn't stop laughin.

VaneesaDK said...

Oh Eric! I swear I will never set my clock to anything but GVT (Greenwich Village Time) ever again!

Brian @ PWYJudges said...

Love the "confidence vs. arrogance" definition!

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