Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Eight: remember, designers, hair is important!

What the hell just happened? This season was going so well and then we are suddenly in a gruesome head-on collision with product placement. I can accept the ubiquitous sponsor tie-ins, but when the entire challenge becomes an advertisement for hair products, it's not surprising that the actual designing goes out the window.

In model news, Heidi organized a pool party, that was big on "pool" and decidedly lacking in "party." Alexis was finally eliminated, after doing all of our heads in and having inappropriate relationships with trees. And I'm suddenly feeling very protective of Holly because of the douchy way Emilio treated her:

Emelio: "Holly is such a fantastic model, I think other designers should have the opportunity to work with her. That's the kind of generous person I am."

HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY HOLLY THAT WAY!!

Emelio: "Well, if she hadn't been such an Amazon woman, I would have had enough materials."

So, if she had been a couple of inches shorter you would have been able to make a dress?

Emelio: "Maybe."

What a douche.

Anyway, last week Jay won immunity and Jesse was eliminated. We start the episode with Emilio telling us he needs therapy because he was so traumatized by going to a hardware store. And Mila tells us about the connection between her and Maya:

Mila: "We have such a bond even though I'm twice her age. She's forty, right?"

In one of the boys' apartments, Seth Aaron, Anthony, Ben, and Jay talk about how great it is that the four of them are still together:

Jay: "You guys are the wind beneath my wings. We support each other like Spanx."

One of them will be going home this week. Duh.

The designers go up to the roof of the Atlas apartments to learn about this week's total bullshit challenge:

Tim: "Designers, look at New York City. I won't do the Earth, Wind & Fire joke because I'm pretty sure we've already done this challenge. Whatever. This is Philip Carreon."

Philip Carreon: "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, Garnier. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, hair-care products. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, natural ingredients. In conclusion, bullshit."

Well, that's what I heard, anyway.

The designers pick their elements and then immediately get to work completely ignoring them:

Ben: "I picked water but I hate water so I'm doing a shark."

Emelio: "I picked earth and my model is a woman of color so I'm going to make a dress that will look good on her and has absolutely nothing to do with the challenge."

Anthony: "I chose fire so I'm going to make a grey dress because my pastor's house burned down."

Seth Aaron: "I have air but I hate the sky so I'm just going to do whatever the hell I want."

Before Tim makes his rounds, the designers have to endure an extended Garnier commercial, with Philip Carreon demonstrating his amazing technique of spraying hairspray at a model's head. What a shear friggin' genius.

Ben calls his husband and talks about how much he misses him. That was a mistake. Now they have to send him home.

On to the runway, with some French guy as the guest judge.

Maya - She made a pretty dress that looks like it's inspired by water. She actually followed the instructions of the challenge. How strange. Anyway, the judges like it but don't think it's original. And the Garnier hair looks like crap.

Jay - He made an outfit with pants and a flowing chiffon top. I guess I get the air inspiration, but the outfit is really kind of ugly. Again, the hair is awful.

Ben - He made a white suit that really wasn't bad. Obviously, it could have fit better, but I liked some of the design details. I didn't get "water" from it, but I could kind of see the shark inspiration.

Anthony - He made a nice gray and black dress. I guess I get the smoke reference. But I wanted to see "fire." Anthony calls his model a Clydesdale. As a compliment.

Mila - She made an outfit with a vest, pant, and top. I see the mineral influence in the vest, representing "earth." But the look is boring. I do like the hair, though.

Jonathan - He made a beautiful little dress. I love the cut and layered fabric. It definitely has an airy quality. I finally see where gritty meets pretty. I'm a little sick of hearing about "pale people" and I don't think matching Cerry's skin tone by putting her in cream and peach is quite the big friggin' deal everyone made it out to be. But I love the dress. and the hair works.

Amy - It's really not that bad. OK, I'm totally joking. It's complete shit, from concept through execution. For the sake of argument, let's say the top had stayed up the way she wanted and the hair looked better. Are you picturing it? Still shit. It's still a black body stocking topped by one of those cones you put on your dog after surgery. I understand she wanted to represent fire by having an explosion of hair, but the garment itself needed to have some fire reference.

Emilio - He made a greenish dress to represent earth. Does he even want to be here?

Seth Aaron - He made a beautifully tailored jacket that had nothing to do with the challenge.

The judges rip Ben a new one:

Heidi: "If you don't know how to make a shark, you shouldn't make a shark. This looks like the first shark you've ever made."

They go easier on Amy, even though hers is clearly a million times worse:

Michael: "It looks like a barmaid serving her chest hair to a cat in a sling."

Nina: "I think I'm gonna puke."

Jonathan wins! Congratulations, Jonathan!

Jonathan: "Go, pale people!"

Oh, shut up.

Ben is out. Whatever.

Ben: "Gee, you're grumpy this week."

Sorry. I just really hate Garnier. They know why.

Project Runway Lucky Season Sleven, Episode Sleven!

Once again, the title of my post is just a pointless reference to a movie I know nothing about. You're welcome.

Tim: "This is the first time in Project Runway history that the season number and the episode number are the same!"

Nope. There's one of these in every season.

Tim: "Well, it's the first time this season!"

That's true.

So, last week we all watched the Olympics and were reminded that every famous person in the United States is actually from Canada. The week BEFORE that, Janeane was finally put out of our misery and sent home.

In model news, Cerry informs us that she is not a child lover, to which I can only say ... um ... good?

Cerry: "I was acquitted."

Meanwhile, Megan is out but she thinks that because she and Heidi started modeling at the same age, she can expect to have Heidi's career:

The Late Senator Lloyd Millard Bentsen, Jr.: "Megan, I served with Heidi Klum. I knew Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum was a friend of mine. Megan, you are no Heidi Klum."

And that's how Hillary Clinton almost became President of the United States. Or something like that. Anyway, back to Megan:

Megan: "I really got along so well with my little girl model. We have so much in common. We both love ponies and the color pink and we're both majorly addicted to black tar heroin."

We start this episode with the designers telling us they are the top ten, which means there are only zero challenges left before ALL of them will go to Bryant Park. You do the math.

Mila: "It's really empowering to know that Maya, Amy, and I are the strongest women here."

You're the only women there.

Mila: "Bummer."

Seth Aaron has immunity so we won't see much of him this episode. Jay, however, tells us his life story so he's either going to win or be sent home:

Jay: "My life has been so hard! I went to a community college in Hawaii! COMMUNITY COLLEGE, PEOPLE!"

Look, I went to a community college in Hawaii for a semester. It's hardly a tragedy.

The designers go on a field trip:

Tim: "This episode will have a lot of banging. Speaking of something that's seen a lot of banging, let me introduce you to a familiar face."

Michael Kors: "Thank you, Tim. Designers, I want you to push the envelope, think outside the box, go the extra mile, do the unexpected, and be all that you can be. Now, get out of my store."

The designers go to the world's most expensive hardware store, where $150 won't even buy you enough washers to cover an eight-foot-tall woman.

Amy couldn't be more excited. However, she could sound a little more excited. In fact, any emotion at all would be an improvement.

Emilio doesn't like this challenge because he's such a great designer and he doesn't do crafty things:

Emilio: "In other words, I'm a total pain in the ass."

The designers get to work. Jesse wants someone to crash a burn:

Jesse: "But not in a mean way."

Of course. Jesse wants someone to crash and burn in a nice way. Anthony thinks everybody's garment looks tortured. Jonathan says his dress is Veronica Lake meets C3PO, which was actually in the original script of Phantom Menace but had to be cut to allow for more scenes of Jar Jar Binks. Seth Aaron tells Emilio that his garment is interesting:

Emilio: "Whatever. I'm a little busy over here being a great designer and an even greater pain in the ass."

Tim gives his last words of advice:

Tim: "Whatever you do, don't use the goddamn Bluefly wall."

On to the runway, where we have two guest judges, for some reason: fashion designer Isabel Toledo, and jewelry designer Stephen Webster. Keep in mind the criteria for judging this week are innovation, creativity, and point of view. You'll be quizzed on that later.

Mila - She made a striking black and white dress out of pieces of plastic. It used materials creatively and was all about her point of view. She is deservedly in the top three.

Jesse - He made a silver bubble dress that the judges likened to a big Hershey's kiss or a dirty vacuum bag. It was not attractive or very creative. But, worst of all, it showed no point of view.

Jonathan - He made a copper dress that managed to move well. It wasn't amazing but it was kind of pretty and he's safe.

Anthony - He made a purple mini-dress covered in mesh. The judges thought he played it safe. Michael thought it looked like a cheap prom dress. In my opinion "cheap prom dress" thoroughly describes Anthony's point of view. So I think he hit this one out of the park.

Ben - He made a shapeless, stiff, completely unwearable copper dress. In concept and execution, I thought it was just as bad as Jesse's. However, the shape did manage to show Ben's point of view so he's safe.

Emilio - He made a bikini out of washers. I would have given him points for creativity if it weren't for the fact that this is the EXACT SAME CRAPPY GARMENT WENDY PEPPER MADE out of Life Savers in the first season.

Jay - He made a fantastic pair of pants and belt out of trash bags. He's not out, so I guess that means he's going to win.

Seth Aaron - Homemade lady-robot Halloween costume. Another one that's almost as bad as Jesse's but has a little Seth Aaron personality so he's safe.

Amy - She made a pretty sandpaper dress.

Maya - She made a cool silver sheath dress under a net jacket with a huge collar. She also made a beautiful necklace out of keys. If we had gotten her life story this week instead of Jay's, I would have picked her as the winner.

Emilio could hear people's jaws drop when his awful Wendy Pepper rip-off went down the runway:

Emilio: "I don't know if it's because they thought it was amazing or because they are wondering what the hell just happened."

Let me clear it up for you: the second one.

Jay wins! Congratulations, Jay!

Mila accepts her silver medal and then posts on her website that it's actually platinum.

Jesse is out. Sorry, Jesse. You did some good work, but your lack of a point of view did you in this week.

Now a message from our sponsor:

Women, do you want to cut your bangs or paint your apartment or stare at a dress? Then you should try Yaz! (Side effects of taking Yaz include giving yourself a really bad haircut, painting your apartment a hideous color, and staring at a dress so long you forget to eat or bathe. Please consult your doctor before you attempt any of these things.)

Project Runway garments on display!

Three looks from the season six newspaper challenge are on display at Topanga Plaza in Woodland Hills, California! Sorry for the terrible cellphone pictures.

Project Runway Vacation!

Apparently there is no new episode of Project Runway tonight. Lifetime is afraid all the gays will be watching women's skating. See you next week!

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Six: National Bring Your Daughters to the Work Room Day!

Heidi: "I brought in eleven of my children to be models in this challenge. I'm pretty sure I have more at home. I had some boys, right?"

Awwww! They're adorable!

Tim: "And they're real girls! With real curves!"

Right. Anyway, last week Anthony won with a dress I didn't love but accept as being very appropriate for the challenge. Anna was eliminated for an outfit that was not as ugly as Janeane's but was so boring it was like being hit in the face by an episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Anna: "I've never made three pieces before."

Are you sure? Because this was the fifth challenge, so it seems like you must have made more than three pieces.

Anna: "No, I mean I had never made three pieces that went together before."

Oh. Well, you still haven't.

In model news, Kasey is out and Alexis could be genuinely crazy. Alexis tells everyone that she had this hilarious dream about Megan getting really fat. Shockingly, Megan is annoyed:

Alexis: "Well, I just looked it up and it turns out that dreaming about someone getting fat means prosperity! Not for Megan, of course. She'll just get fat. But the important thing is I'll be rich!"

We start the episode with Janeane being about as upbeat as possible, for her:

Janeane: "I had an amazing opportunity last week and, of course, I blew it."

That's the spirit, Janeane!

Heidi introduces us to her girls and the designers inform us that children are often smaller than adults and they are really frightening. Also, some of the designers don't have children:

Jonathan: "I had my tubes tied."

In the design room, Mila pretends that she's getting along with the other designers:

Mila: "It's so hilarious that everyone is mocking me for always using color blocking in my designs! Ooh, look at me; I only know how to do one thing! Ha ha! See? I'm totally in on the joke!"

Yeah, that wasn't uncomfortable at all. Good for Mila!

After a day of working on outfits for the little girls, Tim tells the designers they will have one more day to make a corresponding look for their adult models.

So, the designers are working and it's Anthony's turn to annoy everyone with his jabbering:

Anthony: "So my mom was coughing in church and everyone was all 'Who is that coughing in church?' and so my mom was all 'Maybe I should stop coughing in church' and then everyone went home and had lunch."

The other designers surgically remove Anthony's vocal cords.

On the day of the runway, the little girls are running around the work room, making little outfits and styling each other and basically demonstrating more talent and creativity than most of the designers:

Jonathan: "It's like Three Mile Island in here!"

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall theoretically."

On to the runway with guest judge Tory Burch:

Anthony - He made two perfectly nice dresses that were not very interesting and didn't seem to have anything to do with each other.

Amy - Weird. The little girl's outfit was cute but the adult outfit was inexplicable. The adult look was more juvenile than the children's look. Also, the girl was dressed for fall and the adult was dressed for spring.

Ben - He made two looks with his signature cap sleeves. I found both looks boring.

Seth Aaron - Oh, my god. Adorable. If he doesn't win this, I will renounce my U.S. citizenship and move to Canada.

Jesse - Both outfits are beautifully made and look good together. The asymmetry of the little girl's dress seemed completely random and the adult dress looked a bit too sexy for the challenge; but, other than that, I think he did a good job.

Jonathan - He used white ruffles for both dresses. The girl's dress isn't great, but I actually like the adult dress. As with Jesse's looks, I don't know where this mother and daughter would be going. A cocktail party?

Maya - She made two nice outfits with yellow jackets. I just don't like them together. The outfits look too similar and yet the yellows are off so that they clash with each other.

Mila - She made A-line color-blocked tunics that are pretty cute and look good together. The only thing I don't like is the print fabric trim on the little girl's dress.

Emilio - He made a really old-fashioned pink dress that you could buy almost anywhere and was way too young for his client. For his adult model, he made a pretty dress in a clashing shade of pink. I'm not impressed.

Janeane - Not that bad, really. But not good. The adult look isn't very well made and the little girl's dress looks like no effort went into it.

Jay - He made two cute purple and black outfits with ruffles. Very sophisticated. He did a great job.

Jay, Jesse, and Seth Aaron are the top three. Seth Aaron's child model loves the purse:

Nina: "THAT IS SO CUTE I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!"

And Nina's heart grew three sizes that day.

The bottom three are Amy, Janeane, and Jonathan. Michael thinks Jonathan's model, Brandise, looks like she's covered in toilet paper, which she really doesn't. It's actually a cute dress; just not completely appropriate for this challenge.

The judges think Amy's child model looks like she dressed in the dark and her adult model looks like a circus performer. Both are fair complaints. But there is one complaint that I don't get:

Tory Burch: "I don't think orange and blue are complementary."

Well, then you haven't taken a basic color theory class, where you would have learned that orange and blue are practically the definition of complementary colors. Dumb-ass.

Anyway, Jonathan and Amy are safe because they over-designed their garments. Janeane is out because she under-designed her garments. Sorry Janeane! We'll miss that positive attitude:

Janeane: "This won't be the last you'll see of me. I'm sure I'll be doing something in the future. It probably won't be very impressive, but I'll be doing something."

Seth Aaron wins! I guess I don't need to move to Canada. Well, there's always the midterm elections. Anyway, I'm officially throwing my support behind Seth Aaron. He's intelligent and well-spoken:

Tim: "And he smells nice!"

That's right, Tim! I think he's a designer the American people will vote for!

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Five: The Biggest Challenge Ever!

Aaaaaand we're back! After last week's awful episode in which the designers had to make women look like cans of soup, Project Runway is back on track:

Tim: "It's the biggest challenge in the history of the universe!"

Well . . . oh, why argue? It was a good episode.

In model news, Sarah (or Sara, or whatever) is out. And the producers are really pushing Alexis as the psycho bitch from hell:

Alexis: "The reality is, one of the models will be out this week."

How could she say something so terrible and controversial?! We hate her!

Let's wake up the designers! Seth Aaron is unsuccessfully trying to pull off the Logan shirtless look. Anthony is beating the Word of God into Jay. Mila is losing it; for some reason she was expecting a more animated response to the fact that she was in the top three in the last challenge:

Mila: "Where was my fucking ticker-tape parade?"

The designers go to the amazing Hearst Tower! The gorgeous 2006 tower was designed by Norman Foster and incorporates the facade of the original 1928 Hearst building.

Joanna Coles, Editor-In-Chief of Marie Claire magazine explains that the challenge will be to create a look for Heidi to wear on the cover of the April issue of Marie Claire:

The designers completely lose their shit. Oh, calm down. It's not like that's a real magazine.

Tim: "This is the greatest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life! Important designers who have had covers in the past year include Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, and Gucci, just to name all of them!"

Tim gives the designers the Mood affirmation:

Tim: "We are going to have a good shopping experience at Mood. Because we're good enough, we're smart enough, and doggone it, people like us!"

There is tension in the work room. We are informed that it is very quiet. Wow, it really is quiet! Why is it so quiet? Could it be because the producers cut the background music that is usually added during post-production? Yeah, that's it. But, wait ... it turns out that the quiet isn't the problem after all; the problem is that Seth Aaron is actually making too much noise. These people are never satisfied.

Meanwhile, Ben is having a fashion emergency:

Ben: "The magenta is looking fuchsia!"

We've all been there, Ben.

Janeane is having her usual problems related to being Janeane:

Janeane: "Everything I do sucks. It's looking very bridal. Dread is welling up in me. I don't have a point of view. Why do I have to be me?"

Everyone hates Mila:

Emilio: "Mila thinks she's better than everyone else. How dare she! I'm the only one allowed to think that!"

It's the end of the day and Janeane is freaking out:

Janeane: "How did it get so late? What's wrong with me? I can't even keep track of what time it is! I'm just a pathetic mess."

The day of the runway, Emilio says it's going to be a bloodbath on the runway:

Jonathan: "Yeah, it's going to be like Hiroshima."

Hey, it's been several seconds since we've checked in with Janeane. Let's see how she's doing:

Janeane: "Of course my sewing machine is broken. That could only happen because I'm Janeane. I'm never going to finish. Why can't I do anything right?"

Tim: "For the love of god, Janeane, you don't need to convince us you're a terrible designer! Nobody is arguing with you."

Tim gives his final words:

Tim: "This challenge is the biggest thing ever! It's going to cure cancer! Please use the Bluefly wall parsimoniously."

On to the runway:

Amy - She ignored the caution about using a print for a magazine cover. Her dress is OK.

Seth Aaron - He made a shiny grey suit. I think it would look good on a cover.

Jesse - He made a nice little dress. Did he think that was enough?

Anna - She threw together some boring separates from the Juniors department.

Anthony - He made a blue dress with fabric piled up on one side. I don't hate it, but I think it's kind of boring and cheap. I can't imagine it grabbing my attention on a newsstand. The judges think it's the second coming of Christ.

Janeane - What the hell is that?

Mila - She made a little color-blocked dress. It was so close to being really cute but the color was wrong.

Emilio - He made a boring red dress with trim on the boobs.

Jay - Seriously? A long beige dress for Heidi? Did he think it was for the cover of Insomniacs Monthly?

Jonathan - He thinks this garment moves like butter. It certainly looks like it was involved in a butter-related accident.

Maya - She made a little grey dress with a fluffy beige collar. It's OK.

Ben - Love this dress! He pulled all the elements together for this challenge. He created something dramatic and modern, without being weird. The dress would be eye-catching on a magazine cover and look great on Heidi. He should have won this.

Ben, Anthony, and Emilio are the top three. The judges redesign Emilio's dress on the runway:

Michael: "A Project Runway first!"

Anthony wins. I'm sure Heidi will feel very comfortable in his tacky dress. Seriously, I'm very happy for Anthony. I just wish I liked the dress.

Anna, Janeane, and Mila are the bottom three. Michael thinks Mila's looks like a Band-aid and Nina doesn't like arrows pointing to a model's crotch:

Nina: "I think I can find a model's crotch without a map, thank you very much!"

Anna is out. Sorry Anna. I'm sure you'll be missed by the people who noticed you were there.

Mila: "I can't believe nobody congratulated me for not being eliminated!"

Project Runway Season Seven Episode Four: If your heart is open love will always find its way in™!

Jane Seymour: "My grandmother used to tell me that if I became a famous actor, people would buy shitty jewelry based on my scribbles. She was such an inspiration to me."

Last week Ping was out and Mila won in a team challenge that made no sense. In model news, Sophia is out because of allergies. Specifically, the designers were allergic to her toxic personality:

Sophia: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, I am free at last!"

I had always assumed the models were there by choice. But, apparently, they are being held captive and their only hope of freedom is to not be chosen by a designer. Jesse rewarded his model's "loyalty" by picking her again, even though she's awful and annoying. And I had originally found the more experienced models like Brandise and Cerri to be really condescending and bitchy, but it turns out they are actually really good and often make insightful comments:

Cerri: "Everyone is always after me Lucky Charms."

That's what I'm talking about.

This week, the designers have to make red dresses for women with heart conditions to wear to a Fashion Week gala in support of heart health. And the dresses have to look like Campbell's soup cans:

Tim: "What was that noise?"

Oh, that's the sound of Andy Warhol turning over in his grave. He's probably annoyed that you are using soup cans in design without any reference to Pop art's commentary on consumer culture:

Andy Warhol: "No, actually, I could just really go for a nice bowl of soup."

Anyway, the Campbell's connection to heart disease is really appropriate. When I think of heart disease I immediately think of how Americans have spent decades consuming cans of sodium-infused corn syrup marketed as a food product. I'm just a little surprised that Campbell's wants to make that connection.

Tim: "Because heart health is such an important issue and the winning design will actually be worn to a gala event, this will be a one-day challenge. We want to make sure the results are crappy ... because this is so important."

The designers work furiously. Jonathan compares it to Chernobyl:

Jonathan: "Remember how Chernobyl made President Reagan knock down the Berlin Wall and then the whole Vanilla Ice thing happened? It's just like that. But louder."

Janeane accidentally dips her dress in a bucket of her own tears:

Janeane: "So typical. I'm such a loser."

Tim gives his final words of advice:

Tim: "Who cares what your client wants? Fashion is all about pleasing the judges! Please borrow from the Bluefly wall capriciously. OK, get out of here! Everyone out of the design room! Ping? Where's Ping?"

On to the runway. Georgina Chapman of Marchesa is the guest judge. If anyone cares.

Jonathan - He made kind of an awful tiered gown. I think the red satin is too dark. It has a very unflattering fit at the bust. For the Campbell's logo, he just included an uninspiring tie at the waist. He's safe.

Emelio - He made a very boring short empire-waist dress. He's safe.

Maya - She made a dress based on the Open Hearts necklace from Kay Jewelers. The judges don't want to like this dress but they like it anyway. I guess I have more willpower than the judges because I managed to not like it.

Anthony - I don't love the vest but the overall look is fine. He's safe.

Amy - She made kind of a boring long chiffon gown. I didn't like the ruffly neckline or the shapelessness of this dress but the judges think it's the bees knees.

Jesus - He made a short, tight, blingy dress. It's another boring silhouette from him. The judges hate it. He's in the bottom two.

Anna - Oof. This dress was not very flattering on her client. The proportions are bad and it looks like a strapless dress has just been tacked onto an almost flesh-colored tank top. The judges think it makes her client's shoulders look even broader. She's in the bottom two.

Jay - He made a very formal strapless gown. It looks fine but it's very generic. I'm sure he could have found something that suited his client a little better. He's safe.

Jesse - He made a cute little outfit with an off-white jacket over a pretty red dress. It would be a nice outfit to wear to church. Not really appropriate for this challenge. The judges don't love it and he's in the bottom three.

Ben - He made a decent long gown slit up to here. The skirt is faced with the Campbell's logo fabric so it shows when she walks. He's safe.

Mila - She made a red dress with giant white stars. It looks like she's advertising Macy's instead of Campbell's. She's in the top three.

Janeane - It's difficult to describe this awful dress. She's safe.

Seth Aaron - He scrapped his Grecian design and went with a dress with a red wrap top and full black skirt. it looked good. He's safe.

Amy wins. Congratulations. Out of all the dresses this week, hers was definitely one of them.

Jesus is out. The judges think his construction skills are good but that you just can't learn to have good taste. I disagree with them on that point. I think you can gain good taste with education and experience. I had horrible taste when I was his age. And now my flawless taste is the envy of all the world!

Mila and Maya introduce us to this week's Lifetime movie. They have so much in common: they both miss their collective dog, they both wear a lot of the same color (black), and they both have bangs:

Tune in to the new Lifetime movie based on the amazing true story of two designers who worked together on a show and discovered that they are actually a mother and the daughter she gave up for adoption years ago!

Oh, my god! I'm crying already!

Project Runway Season Seven, Episode Three based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire!

Sorry, I'm not actually doing a "Precious" parody because I haven't seen the film (though it's high on my list of movies I should see but never will). I just really enjoy saying "based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire." Instead, we'll go to an audition room at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena:

Daniel Franco: "Neeeear, faaaaar, wherEEEEEver you are, I belieeeeve that the heart does go oooooon!"

Randy: "I'm feeling you, D Franc!"

Kara: "Your raw sexuality is giving me chills!"

Simon: "If I'm being honest, Daniel, your singing makes me want to punch you in the nuts. That's a 'yes' for me!"

Daniel: "I love you, Simon."

And with that, our dear friend Daniel Franco makes it through to Hollywood (in his mind). Meanwhile, back on Earth ...

Elizaveta is out because Ping decided she needed a stronger model. Elizaveta was sweet and tried her best, but I really don't think she belonged there. A good model will subconsciously send the message, "I look fantastic in this shitty outfit! Worship me, bitches!" But Elizaveta seemed to be sending the message, "Please don't throw things at me." And in addition to her general terrified appearance, she also has a bad knee that prevents her from walking or standing for very long:

Elizaveta: "Well, what are you gonna do?"

I'll tell you exactly what you do. Pick a different profession. Anyway, last week the models were harvested from a potato field, Pamela was out, and Jay won immunity. Heidi starts this episode by asking a weird question:

Heidi: "Would you like to meet a bunch of dead designers?"

Uh, I guess so? We meet Tim at the Met, in the Temple of Dendur, where he introduces us to the mummified remains of several famous fashion designers:

Tim: "You will be working in teams of two to create a 'signature' look. Yes, you heard me right. You'll be designing a 'signature' look with two distinct signatures!"

That makes no sense.

Tim: "Well, maybe I can buy your love. The designers will be getting $500 for this challenge, the most money ever in the history of the show!"

Make it an even thousand and it's a deal.

Tim: "I'm not bargaining with you!"

Then I'm sticking to my opinion that this challenge is stupid. The team leaders are Jay, Jesus, Anthony, Janeane, Mila, Ping, and Emilio. Ping practices her routine for the Laugh Factory:

Ping: "I will be a good leader because I'm very good at explaining my ideas to people."

Oh, Ping! Stop! You're killing me!

Ping: "Thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers."

The designers spend time being inspired by iconic dresses. The designers are thrilled by the experience:

Seth Aaron: "It is so nice to have the opportunity to look at dresses without being attacked by pit bulls. "

Yeah, pit bulls are the one downside to the museum experience. After the museum, they go to Mood and Ping loses her sketchbook:

Jesse: "I swear I'm not the one who ripped up her sketchbook and threw it in the trash!"

Who said anything about it being ripped up in the trash?

Jesse: "what? ... uh ... I thought you said that ... oh, look at that shiny fabric!"

Where?

So, anyway, since it isn't possible for two designers with completely different styles to make one signature look, the teams end up either creating looks that have the signature of one of the designers on the team or that don't have a signature at all. Either way, they don't really fit the challenge. I don't know how you judge the results. Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Designers, this challenge was so clear and straightforward ..."

No, it wasn't.

Tim: "In any case, we decided the challenge needed a twist ..."

Of lemon?

Tim: "Stop interrupting me! You'll need to create a second outfit for a Barbie. Because Barbie is very small, this will be a 'look for less.' The look will be derived from the signature look of another team. You are not supposed to copy the look, just be inspired by it. However, the look that the judges rave about the most will be almost an exact copy. Also, this second look will end up not having any effect on the judging. So make sure you waste a lot of time on it."

Perfect. That's exactly what this challenge needed: one more element that makes no sense.

Tim: "Will it help if I give you another $50?"

Do I look that cheap?

Tim: "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Okay, let's just move on. On the day of the runway, Tim gives his last words of advice:

Tim: "Use the Bluefly wall preciously."

Say it!

Tim: "Fine! Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

Thank you. The models go to hair and makeup:

Sophia: "Ahhhh! My spleen!"

Sophia is apparently allergic to being touched:

Sophia: "I have crazy-ass-bitch-itis. It's a serious medical condition. Look it up."

I believe you. But modeling requires being touched. A lot. So maybe you, like Elizaveta, should consider a different profession.

On to the runway:

Anthony and Seth Aaron made a pretty yellow and black ball gown for the vice president of McDonald's, who happens to be a drag queen. Apparently Anthony thought they were supposed to imitate a signature look so he designed an imitation Dior:

Michael: "I wore this dress in the 1950s to a cotillion. In the south. In Hell. Yes, I grew up in southern Hell. A little warmer than northern Hell, but we had more parties."

Jesus and Amy made a gown with an awful mermaid silhouette and a really beautiful fabric treatment.

Mila and Jonathan created about the only look on the runway that could be considered a signature piece. It's sixties-inspired without looking like a costume. I think this was the clear winner, since they were ignoring the second looks.

Janeane and Ben made a perfectly nice outfit but there is nothing that made it a signature look.

Emelio and Anna also made a perfectly nice dress that doesn't qualify as a signature look.

Jay and Maya created a gown that is signature-ish, with a big wavy collar piece that extends down the front and back. I feel like I've seen many versions of this dress for several years, but the judges find it completely original. What do I know?

Ping and Jesse also made a look that is signature-ish. It definitely has Ping's signature. And it has a very dramatic presence on the runway. And Brandise worked the shit out of it. But, when it comes down to it, it's just a pretty sari. Except that a real sari is much easier to wear because it is pinned to the shoulder; you don't have to carry the fabric around with you on your arm:

Michael: "She looks like the Statue of Liberty. In the South. In Hell."

The top two teams are Team Mila and Team Maya and Mila wins immunity! Congratulations, Mila!

Jesse's model: "I need to tell you that Ping did not do a personal fitting for my outfit."

Well, it clearly states in the rules that Ping needs to do a personal fitting for the second look on Jesse's model. So she's out. Sorry, Ping! You should have done that fitting. It would have made all the difference. Seriously, I'm really sorry to see her go. Ping definitely has a talent for creating dramatic looks with beautiful fabric. She just needs to figure out how to make actual articles of clothing.

See you next week. And don't forget to tune in for the new Lifetime movie "Sins of the mother ... based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire"!

Project Runway, Season Seven, Episode Two: Garanimal Farm!

Project Runway is brought to you by Centrum Pink Triangle, the vitamin supplement specially formulated for the needs of gay men and straight men going through an "experimental phase." contains sixteen vitamins and minerals essential in regulating the body's natural ability to be fabulous.

Welcome back to season seven. We are back in New York for episode two because the commute to the distant planet of Endora was too much for Nina and Michael:

Nina: "Hello? I have a real job, you know! Ever heard of a magazine called Marie Claire? You haven't? Well, I assure you, it exists!"

Michael: "And that 150-year time difference was wreaking havoc on my body. Look at how pale I am."

OK, we get it, New York is the greatest place in the universe. Last season was terrible because it didn't take place in New York:

Tim: "Last season made me look forward to death panels."

Let's just get on with it, shall we? Nothing too exciting in model news. All the designers kept their models, so Christiane's model was out. We get to meet the models and we learn that there is a witch, a bitch, and a control freak. So far, not a single one appears to be completely psychotic. But it's early, so there's still hope.

For the second challenge, the designers go on a field trip. Literally. They meet Tim in a field:

Tim: "Designers, some of you may believe that all of the fabrics used in the fashion industry are grown in Central Park. But that isn't the case. In fact, the majority of fabrics and trimmings are grown in other parts of the country and have to be trucked in to Manhattan. And that's bad for the environment and fabric-diversity. Mood is a leader in the "design-locally" movement and buys 80% of it's stock from the button and ribbon farms just outside the city. We're going to be using this fresh crop of burlap sacks, just harvested this morning. Then you'll have the opportunity to pick your own trimmings, fresh from the vine."

OK, so the designers have to make a party look out of burlap sacks. I like the challenge! On top of that, the models are going to be the clients and will be wearing the dresses to an "industry event." Fine. But then the models pick the designers they want to work with, which seems completely unnecessary. I think it would have worked if the models had been forced to pick a new designer, but, of course, most of them stayed with the designer who had already picked them. This made the one model who switched designers look like a traitor, even though she's the only one who had any guts.

Obvioulsy, Mila is hurt by the fact that she is the only designer whose model didn't want to work with her. Can you blame her for being upset? Well, apparently Anthony can:

Mila: "I can't believe she didn't pick me. I thought we worked well together."

Anthony: "So you're saying you're better than me?"

Mila: "um, no, I'm just ..."

Anthony: "It's fine. I left my feelings in Atlanta. And my heart in San Francisco. But my big black ass is right here and you're welcome to kiss it."

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Pamela, should this be one piece? And when I ask if it should be one piece, what I am subtly suggesting is that no, it shouldn't be."

Pamela: "I think I'll make it one piece."

Tim: "It's your funeral."

Jay: "I'm dyeing this fabric and then sewing on all this trim."

Tim: "WHAT?! OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE TOTALLY BLOWING MY MIND!"

Jesus is covering his burlap skirt with ribbon:

Tim: "You've skirted the challenge. Forgive the pun."

I can't do that, Tim.

The day of the challenge, the designers obsess about what to wear and how to do their hair and then they go in to the design room and start freaking out. Tim gives them their final instructions:

Tim: "Please use the Bluefly wall surreptitiously."

On to the runway, where the guest judge is the professional icon, model, actor, pilot, dog-whisperer, family therapist, humorist, nuclear physicist, justice of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, and spy Lauren Hutton.

Anthony - Glory hallelujah, the girl might have some talent, after all! There is nothing new or interesting about this little pink dress, but it looks fantastic! The skirt is draped perfectly, with just the right amount of volume. It looked like chiffon instead of burlap.

Ping - I appreciate Ping's attempt at working with interesting shapes, but this looked like shit. Obviously, nobody could wear this to a party and that's what this challenge was about.

Ben - He made a pretty pink dress with a full skirt. It's fine but it suffers in comparison to Anthony's.

Mila - She made a great little grey sheath with silver trim.

Anna - OK, so this is the same dress she made for the last challenge. But I really love the print she created with the potato.

Jesse - I appreciate that he made pants, but it's just a weird outfit for a party. Matching top and pants? Nobody would wear that.

Seth Aaron - He made a weird Jetson's dress with a hood. Again, for some challenges I would be fine with that. But it doesn't work for this challenge because nobody wants to wear that to a party. It's just not attractive.

Amy - I really like this dress. She worked with the burlap instead of trying to hide it. The dip-dye effect on the skirt is really pretty.

Janeane - She made a perfectly fine dark grey strapless dress with burgundy trim. It seemed a little too formal and old for the model.

Jay - I love it! The effect he got with the ruffled skirt is amazing!

Emilio - He made a knee-length sheath in raw burlap with a geometric pattern made with ribbon. I don't love it.

Jesus - He created a little dress mostly covered in green ribbon. It was mostly well made but, just like Christiane, he abruptly cut off the fabric at the zipper in the back, which looks awful. While the layered ribbon is actually pretty, he was clearly not interested in working with the burlap, which was the point of the challenge.

Jonathan - Gritty meets shitty in this burlap sheath covered in black lace. It's not terrible but it's so uninspiring and not really a dress I could imagine someone wearing to a party.

Maya - Yuck. This was awful. Why wasn't it in the bottom three?

Pamela - The judges were ridiculously hard on this dress. Yes, there's a little problem with the butt flap. But I like that she was able to get the burlap to look like denim. And, of all the garments this week, I can't believe this is the only one a model didn't want to wear to a party. Seriously? This is much more wearable than some of the others.

Anyway, the top three are Mila, Jay, and Amy.

Heidi loves Mila's dress but Michael doesn't like seeing the model's boobs:

Michael: "Ew."

The bottom three are Ping, Pamela, and Jesus.

Ping: "When you said to make a dress for an 'industry event' I thought you meant the potato industry."

Oh, OK. I'm sure that dress would look much better at a potato industry event.

Heidi doesn't like that Jesus used so much ribbon:

Heidi: "For accounting purposes, could you tell us exactly what percentage of that dress is burlap?"

Lauren Hutton: "Dresses are like paintings and that dress is like a really bad painting."

Jay wins! Congratulations, Jay! The judges made the right call on this one.

As for the loser, obviously Ping's dress is the worst. But the judges clearly want to keep her around. And I don't blame them. She's safe purely because of her potential to do something interesting some day. They are within their legal rights to do that.

So the judges decide to get rid of Pamela, supposedly for making her size two model look like a size four (gasp!):

Heidi: "Pamela, thanks for playing the part of the older designer who gets eliminated right away."

Sorry, Pamela. I don't think you should have been out this week.

Before we go, a promo for a new Lifetime movie:

What would make a successful businesswoman give birth 47 times? Find out in the new Lifetime movie "The Pregnancy Pact," starring Heidi Klum.

Project Runway Season Seven Premiere: Now in 2.5-D!

It's Lifetime; you didn't really expect them to spring for the full 3-Ds, did you? What is the extra half D, you ask? Well, I can't tell you. All I can say is that it will give you fuller, longer, darker lashes is just six weeks.

Welcome to season seven, which takes place on the distant planet of Endora, home to a species of old red-haired harpies who dress in chiffon housecoats and complain about their stupid mortal sons-in-law. As you recall, the city of Los Angeles single-handedly destroyed Project Runway last season. So they had to find a new planet. Los Angeles is near and dear to me. I love Los Angeles. But not in that way. Anyway, as an Angeleno, I just want to apologize to all the PR fans for what my city did to the show. Clearly LA is a cultural black hole, from which no light can escape. It is a destroyer of all that is good and decent in this world. Also, I'm sorry I got Heidi pregnant again. I'm only human.

Fortunately, Tim Gunn made the journey to Endora with us and he is just coming out of space hibernation:

Tim: "I'm Tim Gunn and this is the Situation!"

OH, MY GOD! We are so tired of looking at your abs, Tim! We get it; you're totally ripped! Get over it!

Tim: "sorry"

So unprofessional. Anyway, the designtestants this season are from Endora and they are blue, which makes me think of Smurf prom dresses:

Tim: "I told you never to use that term in my presence!"

Gee, I forgot how touchy he was about that. Well, let's meet the natives and describe their hair (which is how I tell them apart):

Amy is the tough-talking scientist who has taken alien form so she can learn more about the magical fabrics of the planet. She has brown hair.

Anna is the evil corporate leader who doesn't care how many people have to die in order to get her hands on the natural reserves of Garnier Fructis buried beneath the planet's surface. She has long brown hair.

Anthony is the wise-cracking sidekick. He seems useless at first but he'll come to the hero's defense and save the day. He has hair.

Ben is the military veteran who has become an unthinking killing machine. But I'm sure he's really sweet once you get to know him. He has your typical military haircut.

Christiane is the daughter of the chief. She knows all the secrets of Endora, like where to find the most colorful fabrics and how to get a taxi when it's raining. She has long black hair with bangs.

Emilio is the leader of the Endorans. He is wise in the ways of ombre and applique. He is much loved and respected. And he wears a hat.

Janeane is the high priestess of the planet. If you ever need to swap bodies or make an entirely new dress at the last minute, she might be able to help. She does not understand revolving doors. We'll see how she does with escalators, or, as she probably calls them, "moving stairs." She has shoulder-length dark-brown hair.

Jay is the greatest warrior on Endora. So obviously he has a faux-hawk.

Jesse is the former soldier who infiltrates the native population in order to learn about the biggest mystery in the world of fashion-related competition shows: the meaning of the term "avant-garde." But he ends up falling in love and becoming one of them. To fit in, he dresses as the most famous pirate you can think of: Captain Hook.

Sorry, but I've run out of characters.

Jesus is really young and he has big hair. Like all really young designers with big hair, he thinks he is god's gift to evening-wear.

Jonathan has regular hair and he wears glasses. He's trying to find the place where gritty meets shitty. I think he's already halfway there.

Maya has shoulder-length black hair with bangs.

Mila and black bobbed-hair with bangs.

Pamela has long brown hair and is the oldest. She got bored with being the best at everything she's ever done so she decided to try fashion design.

Ping has short black hair. She is from China, is an American-trained physical therapist, an Italian-trained designer, and studied choreography on the moons of Endora.

Seth Aaron has your typical douche-rock hair and a big red hickey tattooed on his neck. He would like to be a famous fashion designer, if you don't mind. Hmm ... I wonder if that's why he auditioned to be on this show.

The designers get to know each other by comparing their weights and then they go up to the roof to drink sparkling apple cider with Heidi and Tim:

Janeane: "Oh my god! I'm on the roof! I was down on street level and then I got into this very small room and when the doors opened I was suddenly on the roof! Is it witchcraft?"

Tim: "Calm down Janeane, you'll be fine. Welcome, everyone! I can honestly say this is the first season that we have had this exact group of designers! And I couldn't be more proud!"

Heidi: "Tim, you're so full of crap. But I love you anyway. Pour the champagne."

The next day the designers meet Tim in the Garden of Ancestors to select from the fabrics that grow there:

Tim: "Designers, the Garden of Ancestors is a very special place. The fabrics of Endora are all linked together by electromagnetic pulses. So if you choose the right combination of fabrics, you will be able to get fashion advice from your dead relatives."

The designers start working and Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Designers, are you completely confident in what you are doing?"

Designers: "Yes!"

Tim: "Alright, then. That's all I wanted to know."

Actually, though, there are a few designers who are not completely confident. Janeane was planning to wow the judges with originality by making a little black cocktail dress, but she changed her mind. Anthony is shocked that he hasn't already been eliminated. And Emilio has only finished the top of his dress and there are only two hours left in the day.

Tim acts like he's never seen designers this close to not finishing a garment, even though, just last season, there was a designer who had nothing but a collar finished and just threw some fabric over his model thirty seconds before the runway.

Tim: "Remember to use the Bluefly wall salaciously."

Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway:

Heidi: "Jesse, why are you dressed like a member of the Hitler youth?"

Jesse: "I thought this was an audition for The Producers. I'm supposed to be a hotsy totsy Nazi."

Heidi: "I never thought I would hear myself say these words, but I think I would prefer it if you would dress as a pirate from now on."

Jesse: "Arrrrrr."

Both Michael and Nina are judging! Last season someone was spreading the rumor that they were actually the same person and that's why they never appeared together. Oh, wait, I was the one spreading that rumor.

The guest judge is Nicole Richie, who I'm sure is really great, but I don't know if she's a huge improvement over the guest judges we got in Los Angeles.

Here's the rundown of the runway:

Jonathan: Fine, but a little boring.

Seth Aaron: Pretty cute punk dress.

Jesus: His name is the first thing I said when I saw this dress, though I pronounced it differently.

Ben: I don't hate this weird dress it but I think the fabric is wrong.

Jay: It's awful, but at least there isn't much of it.

Pamela: This pink monstrosity looked even worse from the back.

Emilio: Very cute little dress.

Jesse: Interesting suit. I like it.

Ping: Dramatic. I'm intrigued but not convinced, yet.

Christiane: This is a very unfortunate dress.

Amy: Fine.

Janeane: So much better than her first look. I like it.

Mila: Yeah, OK, it's nice, whatever.

Anthony: Well ...

Anna: It's pretty. Not exciting. But pretty.

Maya: She went with the classic simple-dress-with-big-piece-of-crap-glued-onto-it look that I hate.

Emilio, Seth Aaron, and Ping are the top three and Emilio wins! Congratulations, Emilio!

Jesus, Anthony, and Christiane are the bottom three. While there were a couple of others I didn't like, there is no denying that these three are bad. Anthony is safe:

Anthony: "WHAT?! Are you sure? There must be some mistake! I demand a re-count!"

It's true! He's safe! A note to future contestants: if you don't have any design skills and you plan to get by on personality alone, this is how you do it. Don't go with the escaped-mental-patient routine; be charming and funny and lovable so people actually want you around.

Anyway, the bottom two are Jesus, who is designing on the level of a first-year fashion student, but at least has some construction skills, and Christiane, who could have some interesting ideas but totally blew it on this challenge.

Heidi: "One of you will be going home and, unfortunately, Jesus, it will not be you."

OK, that's not exactly what she said. But I know it's what she was thinking.

So, Jesus is safe. Christiane's beautiful 2.5-D pterodactyl is shot out of the sky and she comes crashing to the ground:

Christiane: "Ahhhhh! My spleen!"