Project Runway Season Nine: Project Runway and Deathly Hallows, Part Two! (Warning: there are absolutely no Harry Potter spoilers ahead)

Eric Three Thousand is brought to you this week by Hebrew National hotdogs:

God: "OMFG, they're kosher!"

Thank you, God. OK, so we left off last time with our young hero, Mondo, watching helplessly as the master of the Dark Arts, Michael Kors, violently murdered our trusted mentor, Professor Tim Gunn, by throwing him off the roof of the Atlas Apartments. This leaves Heidi and Nina to search for the horcrux:

Nina: "I most certainly am not wasting my time searching for some horcrux."

Heidi: "Oh, come on, Nina, horcrux is delicious! It's so refreshing served over ice."

Nina: "You're thinking of horchata."

Heidi: "Oh, right. Can we search for some of that?"

Nina: "Sure. Just let me grab my purse."

OK, so remember how season eight of Project Runway NEVER HAPPENED? Good. I think we're all on the same page. So we start this season with the casting special, featuring the last winner of Project Runway, Seth Aaron! That's right, he's the last winner of Project Runway, because season eight NEVER HAPPENED! Got it? Don't make me say it again!

Seth Aaron: "I'm self-taught, so I really like the self-taught designers, because they're self-taught, and since I'm self-taught, I'm really intrigued by self-taughtedness."

Whatever. Can you at least find some people who know how to sew.

Seth Aaron: "Absolutely. We are only going to be selecting people who have at least two months of sewing experience."

Good. OK, so the casting show is really not very exciting. Tim tells us he's going to show us a bunch of "comic relief" and then doesn't. For some reason, there are way too many menswear designers on the show.

Designer: "My menswear would translate really well into womenswear. All you have to do is take my menswear and change it into womenswear. See? It's just that simple."

Then why didn't you do that and bring some womenswear into the audition?

Designer: "Because it's not that simple."

Tim tells us about the importance of diversity in selecting the final group of designers:

Tim: "And by diversity, what I really mean is that all the designers should be Mormon."

Fun fact #1: Most Mormons dream of being fashion designers.

Fun fact #2: All Mormons are gay.

On to the first episode: This will be a very short recap because I haven't bothered to learn the designers' names and not much happened. Tim wakes up the designers at five in the morning for a come-as-you-are challenge. They have to create looks using only their pajamas, one cotton-poly bed-sheet, and apparently unlimited quantities of lace and feathers. Then we have a runway full of perfectly adequate clothing. Nothing very exciting. Christina Ricci is the guest judge. Burt won. Five people went home. Technically, four designers didn't even make it to the first challenge, but the point is five people were sent home in the first episode. And that's basically what happened. It maybe wasn't such a strong start to the season, but I think it will get better.

Tim: "Enjoy one of the top ten seasons of Project Runway ever!"

Yeah, well, I hope we get to learn a little about the models this season:

Heidi: "One model is a Gemini and one model is from Italy."

OK, slow down. Waaay too much information. I said I wanted to learn a little bit about the models, not get their whole life story! Geez!

Anyway, Rafael, Serena, Gunnar, and two other people went home:

Serena: "I postponed my wedding in Iceland for this. Oh, well. I could only do this once, but I can fly to Iceland any time."

Bjork: "Oh, no you can't."

Why would you say that, Bjork?

Bjork: "Because I'm quirky and adorable and I say silly things."

Aww, she's so cute!

Bjork: "Also, the volcanos will kill you."

I think that's Greenland.

Bjork: "No one cares."

Eric Three Thousand on Hiatus!

I'm afraid I have to take a break from blogging for a little while so I can concentrate on my new job. I want to thank all of you for reading and I will try to come back for the highly-anticipated 87th season of Project Runway!

The Fashion Show Season Two, Finale: Well, that was mildly disappointing.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen? Can we all just agree that the season really ended last week with that really great fashion show from Dominique and Calvin? It was such a high note on which to end.

No? We actually have to acknowledge that anticlimactic finale? Alright, fine.

So, Iman tells the designers they have one week and a few thousand dollars, give or take, to create a nine-piece final collection. Then she sends them off to work.

After a few days, Iman and Isaac travel around to check on the designers' progress:

Iman: "Isaac, what kind of car is this? This is the biggest, ugliest limo I have ever seen!"

Isaac: "This is a public bus. Some people don't have drivers so they use these to get around the city."

Iman: "Poor people are so clever."

OK, so they didn't really do home visits. Instead, they give the designers one last twist at the end of the week: they have to create a tenth look. Each designer is asked to do something specific with his or her tenth look, apparently based on what the judges think has been lacking in their work.

Dominique is asked to make a business look, Calvin is asked to make pants, and Jeffrey is asked to make another boring dress:

Iman: "Yes, but a boring STRAPLESS dress. I have a specific event I need it for. AND I NEED IT RIGHT AWAY!"

The three designers are then paired up with their former lovers, who were previously eliminated from the show:

Jeffrey: "OH, MY GOD, CINDY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

Get a room, you two!

On to the boring runway shows. I was really expecting so much more after last week. But we got mostly standard "wearable" clothes.

Calvin's collection wasn't bad. I don't know what else to say about it.

Dominique's was the best of the three, in my opinion. But it still wasn't as interesting as I was hoping for from her. Her show production was good. She had a few good looks and only two big mistakes. Her weird final look could have been fine, if it had had anything to do with the rest of the collection. But it just looked out of place. Her other mistake was her businesswoman look. What business is that woman supposed to be in? Did she invent Post-it notes?

Jeffrey put me to sleep, as usual. At the beginning of the season, I thought he would be a little more experimental. He talked about making unisex clothing, but I don't think he knows what unisex means. Wearing women's clothes doesn't make them unisex. His tenth look is dull, dull, dull. The judges love it. He wins. Congratulations, Jeffrey.

Anyway, I was rooting for Dominique throughout the competition and I still think she had the best final collection, but all three collections were pretty disappointing, so I don't really care who won.

Isaac: "Tune in next season, which is scheduled to air sometime between really soon and never!"

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Nine: Elements of an overused challenge!

Ricky Gervais: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. I'd like to introduce Isaac Mizrahi. Mel Gibson just told me Isaac is Jewish. He's obsessed!"

Isaac: "Thank you, Ricky. That joke was was as shocking and new as Michael Kors' Spring collection."

Ricky: "And now please welcome America's sweetheart: Iman! Iman just told me that she hates poor people because they smell bad."

Iman: "That's actually true. I totally said that."

This week is the completely uninspiring challenge of being inspired by the elements. They will be using earth, water, and air as inspiration:

Fire: "What am I, chopped liver?"

Sorry. Fire is so last season.

Fire: "You do not want to mess with me!"

The designers go out on a boat. They have to catch as many fish as possible to use in the challenge:

Calvin: "Yes! This challenge is going to be a hot Calvin Tran-y mess!"

It sure is! The designers are split into teams of two, creating collections of six looks. The fashion-house concept is back and it finally works. Two people is apparently a small enough team to cooperate and make a cohesive collection. And six looks are just barely enough to qualify as a small collection. So, yeah, I thought we got two good collections this week. But that doesn't mean the concept worked for the entire show. In fact, the two fashion houses are completely meaningless, since the designers kept moving around. I think Dominique is the only one to stay in the same house throughout the competition.

Anyway, as usual, nothing interesting happens and then suddenly there is a runway show.

Cesar and Jeffrey make a collection of pretty blue flowing dresses based on water, which is totally obvious and boring:

Cesar: "But they are pretty."

YES, THEY ARE PRETTY! SO PRETTY I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL!

Seriously, Cesar's draped dress is beautiful and probably the best thing he's done all season, but the collection on the whole is so boring I just don't care.

Jeffrey also made some nice boring dresses and topped it off with a ridiculous giant vintage tiara that looked so out of place it was hilarious:

Nina Garcia: "The model looked like Miss Guatemala."

Yeah, I totally get why he picked it. I'm sure ever since he was a little girl he's dreamed of being in the Miss America pageant and getting to parade around in the sash and tiara. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, and he just didn't consider what it would look like on the runway.

Calvin and Dominique put on the best show of the season. I thought it was dramatic and mesmerizing. It evoked nature and earthiness instead of giving us the predictable literal translation of water. I loved the collection more than the individual pieces, which I think is fine. It was an avant-garde show that provoked an emotional response. It felt modern and exciting, even if all the clothes weren't wearable.

A few pieces could definitely be translated into ready-to-wear. The judges really liked Calvin's camel coat and Dominique's shorts look with a voluminous white top. And it was impressive how those two looks complemented each other so perfectly, while clearly being the work of the individual designers.

The looks the judges didn't like were Dominique's droopy, shapeless white dress covered by a droopy, shapeless white caftan. It definitely looked under-designed, although I thought it worked alright with the feel of the show. They also didn't like Calvin's "pregnancy" look. The skirt was nice and the top was certainly strange and dramatic and worked with the collection, but the judges found it contrived. I can't disagree with them on that, although I still thought it was interesting. It's a look that would need to be toned WAY down for ready-to-wear and I didn't like the silhouette as much as I liked Dominique's hunchback dress last week, but I didn't hate it:

Isaac: "I didn't hate it, either. I didn't like it enough to hate it."

huh?

Isaac: "You know when you like something so much you hate it?"

not really

Isaac: "Well, it's kind of like when you hate something so much you like it. But the opposite."

Oh. Now I know what you mean.

So, in a shocking turn of events, the judges give the win to the interesting collection, instead of the pretty collection that would look good on Iman!

Eric and Eric: "Yay!"

Iman: "Calvin and Dominique, I would not be caught dead in any of your clothes. And yet, you are going to the finals. Congratulations! Here, have a car."

Then, as if that weren't enough, there is an exciting bonus challenge! Jeffrey and Cesar compete in a sew-off to see which one can fix his worst look. Cesar manages to make his look slightly better but Jeffrey actually manages to make his mess look really good. Jeffrey wins!

So Cesar joins Eduardo as another early favorite who will not make it to the final. Calvin, Dominique, and Jeffrey are the final three.

Tune is next week when this all mercifully ends!

The Fashion Show Season Two Episode Eight: Accessories to the crime!

The designers meet Iman at some cool vintage fashion shop, where Simon Doonan passes out quirky accessories that will inspire looks for this week's collections:

Simon Doonan: "Without eccentricity, fashion is just clothing."

Iman: "And without clothing, eccentricity is just nakedness."

Wow. That is so deep. You are totally blowing my mind.

We return to the completely pointless fashion-house premise, with Cesar and Jeffrey making a four-look "collection" for House of Emerald, and Dominique, Calvin, and Eduardo creating a six-look collection for House of Nami. I'm sorry, but four looks just really doesn't make a collection:

Isaac: "It does if you make them all one color!"

Oh, right. I forgot. If dresses are all the same color, then they magically become a collection.

Isaac: "Well, you know the old saying: if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it's probably Penelope Cruz!"

That is not ... oh, forget it.

Not much drama this week. Calvin was so awful during the last challenge that the producers had to give him the requisite "humanizing" treatment this week. But I don't think anything could humanize him:

Calvin: "My partner is dying."

Shit. They did it. How am I supposed to call him a big old bitch after he tells us that?

Calvin: "Also, I plan to give every cent of my hypothetical winnings to charity."

That would be very generous if he had any chance of winning, which he doesn't.

First up is House of Nami. I think they messed up with the styling. If they had styled the models in a more consistent way, it could have made the collection look a little more cohesive.

Dominique was the only designer who met the challenge this week. She created two eccentric designs inspired by the accessories she was given. So, obviously, she's up for elimination. She made a pig coat, which was cute, but not nearly as fascinating as she found it. She really loves saying "pig coat":

Dominique: "Pig coat! I'm in love with my pig coat! Have you ever heard such beautiful words? Say it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft and it's almost like praying."

Yeah, great. Anyway, her other look was pure genius. I loved the idea of attaching the bustle at the shoulder. She really was inspired by her accessory to create an eccentric, avant-garde silhouette. The geisha makeup was a mistake.

None of the other designers did anything interesting with their accessories. They just made pretty but fairly ordinary dresses and stuck their accessories on them.

Eduardo had a big hat and a silver belt and he stuck them on a couple of decent black outfits. Calvin had gloves and a ruff, which he could have done something really interesting with, but didn't.

Eduardo is out. I'm surprised but I don't mind. I was as sick of his ruffled dresses as the judges were. Calvin is safe. Isn't it fortunate the producers humanized him just in time for that decision?

House of Emerald wins the challenge because they used the same fabric for all four dresses. Yawn.

Cesar made two nice ivory dresses. The only eccentric thing was an exaggerated shoulder. His bird headpiece and flower pin were used as they were originally intended and didn't seem to inspire anything. He wanted to use some color, but both Isaac and Jeffrey talked him out of it.

Jeffrey's accessories were cool merry-go-round earrings and a Dior feather capelet. I hated the dress with the capelet because it was so bland it almost disappeared. He wanted to create looks that blended into the background so that the accessories would be featured. But that really wasn't the point of the challenge. His dress for the earrings was better; in fact, it was beautiful. But it was no more eccentric than the other one. Jeffrey wins, which I don't mind too much because he should have won last week instead of Dominique.

Iman: "Eduardo, it must be so hard to be eliminated this close to the finale. I don't really know what it's like to be a loser, but I would imagine it sucks. Oh, and Dominique, if you say 'pig coat' one more time, I'm going to punch you in the nuts."

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Seven: Bridal Fail!

Really? You're still reading this? Does that mean you are still watching the show? So, you're the one! Well, good for you! Some people might call you stubborn, but not me. I say you're courageous and principled. You aren't going to stop watching a show just because it's boring. You are a true hero and the world could use more people like you!

This week the fashion-house structure falls apart, as I predicted it would. You really can't build an entire show around an element that will only last a few episodes. This week the designers are split into three teams of two to design wedding outfits.

Let's meet the people getting married:

Dominique and Jeffrey will be working with Bill and his three lovely brides, Trudy, Camilla, and Ruth.

Cesar and Eduardo will be working with 87-year-old Joshua and his lovely 12-year-old bride Samantha. Joshua bought Samantha from her parents for 18 cows, which is a pretty good price!

Lastly, Calvin and Cindy will be working with James, who is marrying his lovely pet goat, Louise.

Cindy: "Oh, thank goodness! At first I thought it was a male goat, and that would have been weird."

Actually, Cindy does have a problem with her clients:

Cindy: "Polygamy and arranged marriages with children are such traditional forms of marriage. But I have to admit I'm a little old fashioned and it will take me a while to get used to the idea of creating a wedding dress for a goat."

Don't worry, Cindy! I'm just joking! Those aren't the real clients! Dominique and Jeffrey are really working with a female couple, Cesar and Eduardo and also working with a female couple, and Calvin and Cindy are working with a male couple:

Cindy: "Two boys? Who want to get married? That's just silly! Am I being Punk'd? Where's Alan Funt?"

Yes, Cindy, sometimes two men can fall in love. They are called homosexuals:

Cindy: "Really? This is the first I've heard of it. Well, if it makes them happy, I guess it's fine with me."

As strange as Cindy's reaction is, Calvin's treatment of his clients is even weirder:

Calvin: "You're fat. Fat people can only wear black. I don't know anything about traditional Korean clothes!"

Client: "That's why I'm trying to explain to you what traditional Korean clothes look like."

Calvin: "I can't hear what you are saying because you are too fat. If you want me to make you clothes, I will make you clothes. But don't try to tell me what to do."

Client: "I DON'T want you to make me clothes!"

Calvin: "Why would you come into my shop demanding a Calvin Tran original if you don't want me to make your clothes?!"

Client: "When I agreed to this, I had no idea I would be working with a total psychopath!"

Calvin: "Well, too bad, fatty!"

Cindy: "Calvin, I think you are being a little rude. Just because our clients are totally disgusting and obese doesn't mean you can yell at them."

Oh, my god. If this challenge is to work successfully with a client, there is no way Calvin can't be eliminated, right?

Cindy: "Maybe if I create the worst garment anyone has ever seen, the judges will have an excuse to keep Calvin."

I really doubt you could make anything that bad.

There are basically two story lines going on in the design room this week, neither one entertaining in any way. The first is Dominique's ridiculous pining for David:

Dominique: "This wedding challenge was created specifically to torment me!"

The second is Calvin's verbal abuse of his client, which is really painful to watch. I know the producers want drama and controversy, but turning someone's wedding into an unpleasant experience is inexcusable.

The runway show was actually quite good. The guest judges were Rachel Zoe and Johnny Weir, both of whom are fun to see, though the guest judges never have much to do on this show.

The two lesbian couples looked great! Dominique and Jeffrey create really simple and flattering linen looks for a casual beach ceremony:

Isaac: "My only complaint is that you could find these looks in any lesbian bridal shop."

Well, whatever. The looks are perfect for this challenge and Dominique wins. Congratulations, Dominique!

Cesar and Eduardo created two fun looks that made their clients very happy. They could have been a little more wedding-y, but at least they were flattering.

Calvin and Cindy were a disaster. Calvin created his version of a Japanese kimono that had nothing to do with the Korean robe his client wanted. Surely nothing can be worse than Calvin's relationship to his client.

Unfortunately, Cindy really pulled out all the stops. She actually managed to create the worst garment I've ever seen. In fairness, she couldn't have done it without Calvin's "help." I think it looked better before he came to the "rescue" and reconstructed the entire jacket at the last minute. They should have just left it unbuttoned. Anyway, I think the judges had a legitimate excuse to get rid of Cindy. Calvin will have another week to advertise his business to women who hate themselves.

Iman is almost in tears as she hugs Cindy goodbye and tells her how talented she is. No one is more surprised than Isaac:

Isaac: "My Queen, you appear to be displaying human emotions and it's, frankly, a little frightening. I think you should return to the Mother Ship and spend some time in your regeneration pod."

Eric Three Thousand's 2010 Holiday letter: the inspiring true story of how

I survived the year, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

As many of you know, I lost my job at the beginning of the year. So I’ve spent 2010 trying to figure out what to do. My first idea was to star in a reality series in which I would drag my family around Alaska on hiking and fishing trips, pointing at bears, and saying “wow” a lot. Well, it turns out there was already a similar show in production. Apparently, some other unemployed person with no marketable skills beat me to it!

So, in this tough job market I realized that being an art historian might not be obscure enough. I needed something else to add to my resume. It got me thinking. You know when you’re on a plane and the flight attendant makes an announcement over the intercom about needing someone with a particular skill for an emergency situation? Something like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has just received a carton of correspondence, news clippings, broadsides, and annotated faculty senate reports, all concerning campus unrest during the Vietnam War era. We’re not sure how to proceed. Is there an archivist on board?” Well, the next time that happens I’m going to be prepared. In August I passed the exam to become a Certified Archivist! Now the world is just a little bit more secure. You’re welcome.

Next, I decided to get back to studying French with Rosetta Stone. The only problem is the voice-recognition software, which doesn’t seem to like my high, whispery voice. I’ve set it for “adolescent boy” but it still has trouble understanding me. I’m sure the neighbors are wondering why I’m screaming all the time. “TROIS! TROIS! I SAID TROIS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” Here are some useful phrases I’ve learned:

“Excuse me. Is this a pharmacy?”

“No, this is a bookstore.”

This is helpful if you are in France and you have trouble telling the difference between pharmacies and bookstores.

“Excuse me. I need a new television.”

“Why do you need a new television?”

“I need a new television because my old television is broken.”

This is helpful if you are in France and happen to run into the world’s dumbest salesperson.

“Excuse me. I need inexpensive plates so my family can eat in the park. Do you recommend plates made out of wood, metal, or paper?”

“Get out of my shop, you weirdo.”

As you can see, I spent most of the year studying. But I did have time for some hobbies. Watching television counts as a hobby, right? I do love television. When we lost the HGTV network right in the middle of an episode of House Hunters International, I nearly died. I sat despondent on the sofa for three days wondering if I would ever learn the fate of that nice couple looking for a home in Tuscany. Fortunately, we finally got it back. And it turns out they picked house number three. Seriously? House number three? I give that marriage six months. 

I also continued blogging about Project Runway and this year I hit a huge milestone: the stat counter on my blog finally reached one hundred thousand visitors! You’re probably thinking, “That’s it? You didn’t hit a million?” Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the best I could do! I can’t wait for a million visitors. I don’t have that long to live. Seventy or eighty more years, tops. And by the end I’ll probably just be a brain hooked up to electrodes floating in a jar of saline solution and blogging will be a distant memory. So I’m going to celebrate whatever milestones I can.

A new hobby I’ve taken up this year is cooking. We started receiving weekly boxes of organic produce and I have to cook every night just to keep from being buried alive in vegetables. Of course, because most of the produce is local, the selection changes with the seasons and sometimes we get a lot of one thing. I think if the Other Eric sees one more leaf of Swiss chard he’s going to have a nervous breakdown. Poor thing.

In other news, I finally got an iPhone. Now my life is completely Mac-based. Resistance is futile. The main difference with my new phone is that I can now move beyond monosyllabic texts. Anyone who used to text me will be familiar with my rambling responses, such as, “ok” or in really extreme situations, “cool.” But now I have a QWERTY keyboard and can send complete sentences, like, “Do you think they sell wooden picnic plates at the bookstore?” or “Why did I bring a broken television with me to France?”

Well, that was my year. I don’t know if you noticed, but my letter was in 2.5-D this year. I couldn’t afford the full 3-D. I don’t know exactly what the extra half D is, but I can tell you that it will give you fuller, longer, darker lashes in just six weeks. Happy holidays!

Love,

Eric Three Thousand

The Fashion Show Season Two, Episode Five or Six or Whatever.

Eric Three Thousand, reporting from Burbank, where it has been raining steadily for forty days and forty nights. The San Fernando Valley has completely filled up with water and my house is currently floating down Cahuenga Boulevard toward Universal Studios. Fortunately, I was able to gather two of every Project Runway bobblehead doll and special edition Barbie so they will be able to procreate and carry on the species.

So, I'm sorry I didn't write a recap last week, but I have a really good excuse: I just didn't feel like it. All you need to know is that it was a boring-ass episode with a bunch of ugly-ass dresses. The models were from some show called The Real Housewives, or something like that. It must be new, because I've never heard of it. Has anyone seen this show? It sounds awful. Golnessa was sent home.

The recap this week will be very short because Other Eric erased the episode before I had a chance to take notes and I'm also finding it hard to type because my house keeps bobbing up and down in the water and it's really starting to pick up speed.

Anyway, this week the designers went to a train station in New Jersey because there are no train stations in Manhattan. They rummage through all the junk in the lost-and-found room, where they find umbrellas, bed sheets, and Rachel Zoe's entire spring line for the Home Shopping Network.

David and Cesar switch teams:

David: "I just want to be clear that 'switching teams' in this context refers to me moving to the House of Emerald. I still love vaginas."

They have one day to turn this trash into even worse trash. Instead of Isaac, Laura Brown does the consultations, in a failed attempt to shake things up:

Laura Brown: "Never use orange, because orange doesn't look good on me, and all clothes should be designed to look good on me."

Cesar: "racist."

In the design room, David is getting jealous because Dominique is flirting shamelessly with all the other gay guys:

David: "I thought our painfully dysfunctional relationship was exclusive."

Meanwhile, Calvin is doing his best to keep the show entertaining, while Cesar is just becoming more pompous every week.

House of Nami shows a decent mostly-black collection. It's not great, but it doesn't suck. The concept of the "weekend getaway" TO Manhattan from the suburbs is a little weird. Not that it doesn't happen; it's just not a great concept for a collection.

House of Emerald did a safari theme for a getaway to the Hamptons, which was a better concept but resulted in a horrible collection. Cindy made an awful white dress that was cinched in at the knee, making it impossible for the model to walk. She wanted to make a dress that would make a woman look helpless and immobile while she stands at a bar:

Iman: "BUT HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE BAR?! MOST WOMEN ARE NOT CARRIED AROUND IN A SEDAN CHAIR, LIKE I AM!"

Apparently the judges really hated everything, even though it really wasn't any worse than any other week:

Iman: "THE DESIGNS THIS WEEK ARE A DISGRACE! THEY MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. BUT THEN I THOUGHT, NO, THAT IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF! IT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO DENY THE WORLD THE GLORY OF IMAN. NO, THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING WOULD BE TO KILL ALL OF YOU! WELL, THE LAWYERS SAY I CAN'T DO THAT. SO HERE WE ARE, WITH ALL OF YOU STILL ALIVE TO ASSAULT MY SENSES."

Reluctantly, Iman announces that House of Nami is the winning team, which isn't surprising, since it was clearly the winning team:

Iman: "I WASN'T GOING TO PICK A WINNER AT ALL, BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME I HAD TO. THAT'S RIGHT, SOMEONE TOLD IMAN WHAT TO DO! THAT PERSON HAD A LITTLE 'ACCIDENT' AND IS RECOVERING IN THE HOSPITAL."

Dominique is the winner of the challenge and picks immunity over the $500, which is sensible. She chooses Calvin as the weak link on the team. Cesar says he doesn't want him on his team, either. David is out.

Calvin: "Dominique stabbed me in the back. Cesar threw me under the bus. Isaac wrote me out of his will. Daniel Franco punched me in the nuts. And my mother just called to tell me I'm a disappointment. I guess the only thing I can do is laugh like a mental patient."

Eric Three Thousand is on vacation!

Please check back later for the recap of the most recent totally boring episode of The Fashion Show.

The Fashion Show, Season Two, Episode Four: Hot Tub Time Machine Two: Hotter and Tubbier!

I Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Anyway, last week Eduardo won and Tamara went home. Golnessa gets all Churchillian:

Golnessa: "Never was I criticized so much by so many for so few!"

The designers get another letter from Iman:

Iman: "IMAN GETS HER STATIONERY IN BULK! MEET ME AT THE GIANT STEEL VAGINA!"

Isn't that the name of her perfume? Now that she said that, all I can see is a giant steel vagina:

David: "Actually, it's a very complex work by Santiago Calatrava that explores the formal properties of folded spherical planes. Frankly, your childish obsession with vaginas is pathetic."

Well, I am suitably chastened. The challenge this week is to create a fashion-forward look based on a specific year from the past half century. This should be a fun challenge. And yet, it isn't. I think the "fashion forward" part is the problem. They could have simply created looks for today based on historical looks and been done with it. Fashion forward is not the same as futuristic. But some of the designers start thinking that they have to guess what people will be wearing a thousand years in the future and then everything goes to hell:

Eduardo: "In 3000 AD everyone -- men and women, children and adults, dogs and cats, and of course genetically altered dog-cats -- will wear cocktail dresses 24 hours a day, all year long."

Obviously. Everyone can see that's where we're headed. The question is whether our cocktail dresses will be made of metallic fabric or bio-engineered fur. Maybe metallic faux-fur?

Eduardo: "No. That would be tacky."

Oh, and by the way, Iman loves plaid:

Iman: "I LOVE PLAID! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT!"

Sure. Whatever.

The designers open their little time capsules. Cindy finds a blond wig, Jeffrey finds a piece of the Berlin wall, and David finds a crack vial:

Nina Garcia: "That is not my time capsule. I borrowed it from a friend and I thought that was gum."

Isaac makes his rounds in the design room and tells everyone to make entirely gray collections:

Isaac: "It's not a collection unless it's all one color!"

He also gives the hilarious instruction to be "careful-ish."

Isaac: "Be cautiously outrageous!"

For the entertainment portion of tonight's program, the producers provide the designers with unlimited supplies of alcohol but no way to open the bottles. That is exactly why, back in my day, we carried Swiss army knives in our sewing boxes.

Back in the design room, Cesar is being super bossy and the flirting between David and Dominique is getting a little out of control:

Rusty: "Dad, I think he's gonna pork her!"

Clark Griswold: "He's not gonna pork her, Rusty."

Rusty: "I think he is, Dad!"

Clark Griswold: "Well, he may pork her. Just eat, okay?"

The fashion show begins. It's really disappointing. Everything is gray and plaid, like Isaac and Iman wanted. There isn't much that's fashion forward in these looks. Most of them refer to historical looks but not the right years. We start with Nami:

Dominique made a big baggy shirt over pants, with custom plaid fabric. It's a little too big and sloppy, but it's pretty good and definitely the most interesting look on the runway this week.

David made a Michael Jackson jumpsuit from the eighties inspired by his grandmother, which confuses Iman, for some reason. It was actually looking pretty good in the workroom and then he screwed it up by turning the shoulder-pads into lapels:

Anja Rubik: "No woman wants to look like she has giant maxi pads on her chest."

No shit, whoever you are.

Eduardo made another dumb cocktail dress. It's pretty. Whatever.

Rolando made a completely boring outfit that had nothing to do with his year, 1969.

Calvin made something I can't quite describe. He made a nice skirt that looked like an evening gown but paired it with a hideous top that couldn't be worn for any occasion.

Then it's time for House of Emerald:

Cesar made a look inspired by "cocooning," which was definitely a term used a lot after 9/11. He made capri pants and a top with a huge collapsable collar that can cover the model's head. It's pretty good. He also made a second look so that the team would have a more complete collection. This is a valid concern and one of the reasons I questioned whether the "collection" aspect of the competition would work once designers started being eliminated.

Jeffrey made a dress with kind of a scarf covering half of it. It's pretty but I don't know what it has to do with the eighties and it's really not fashion forward.

Cindy made a cool dress with a coat. Supposedly it was inspired by Jackie O? I like it, but, again, it's not fashion forward.

Golnessa made a pretty 1950's inspired dress with a full skirt. The judges praise it even though it looks like a costume. Nothing fashion-forward about it.

Emerald finally wins a challenge and Jeffrey is the individual winner.

David and Rolando are the bottom two from House of Nami:

Iman: "DAVID, TELL IMAN WHY YOU SHOULD STAY!"

Dominique: "He should stay because we are in love and I don't want to die alone in a house full of cats!"

David: "Yeah. What she said."

Iman: "DAVID, YOU NEED A WOMAN TO FIGHT YOUR BATTLES FOR YOU. I LIKE THAT! YOU CAN STAY."

Rolando is out:

Iman: "ROLANDO, THIS OUTFIT MADE ME SICK. I REMEMBER 1969. I WAS EIGHTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD AND IN MY SEXUAL PRIME. I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CAUGHT DEAD IN THIS DOWDY, SHAPELESS MESS. YOU ARE OUT OF FASHION."