Sunday, January 21, 2007

Project Runway Recap, Season One Finale: In Her Shoes: The Imelda Marcos Story!

The three finalists are given $8,000, five months, and a dozen Chinese cobblers to create a runway collection.

Heidi: "There are four models left and three designers. This is a problem because four is one more than three. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

Martinique is out. Except, of course, that she isn't. She shows up later on the runway but she's out of the running for the Elle Magazine spread.

Jay tells us he is finally inspired. Wendy packs her amazingly ugly clothes. And she's just stuffing them into her luggage, which, by the way, is not designer. Laura Bennett would die if she saw this. Kara explains to us how talented she is:

Kara: "Now, you know I don't like to brag, because my amazing talent speaks for itself. But I just want to explain how I got through to the finals: I decided to try something unusual and just get by with my incredible talent and not rely on any strategy, unlike some people, who will remain nameless but whose initials are W.P."

I never get tired of hearing how great Kara thinks she is. Or do I?

Heidi has taken on a second job as the doorman for the Atlas Apartments and is hailing cabs for the designers. Cut to a couple of months later and we are traveling the country with Tim Gunn, visiting the designers at home:

Jay lives in a tiny town and his father designs septic tanks, which Tim thinks is very similar to fashion design:

Tim: "Well, to be honest, they're both full of shit."

Then we visit Wendy in Middleburg, Virginia. It's a slightly bigger town than Jay's. Wendy's daughter is using a miniature sewing machine to make all the small details on her collection.

Wendy: "Look, my daughter is so cute! She made this painting for the judges!"

Daughter: "No, I didn't."

Wendy: "OMG, is that the cutest thing you've ever heard?!"

We visit Wendy's Great-Grandmother's antebellum mansion, now entrusted to the National Trust for Historic Preservation:

Me: "Holy crap!"

Wendy: "I know, right? It took a lot of slaves to run this place!"

Me: "I bet it did!"

Tim: "It's just like Dynasty!"

Me: "Were there slaves on Dynasty?"

Tim: "No, I was trying to change the subject."

Me: "It's more like Gone with the Wind."

Tim: "Whatever; both references are equally gay."

Next we visit Kara in the smallest town of all: Hollywood! (Sort of my home town!) Tim goes shopping with her at F&S Fabrics. Yay, F&S; I used to shop there! Kara is calling her collection The Aviator. Or maybe "aviatrix." Or maybe its just aviation or "Flights of Fancy" or something else. Who knows; she keeps changing the name. Anyway, It's vintage but also now. Huh?

Then we cut to a few days before the runway show. The designers are staying at the W Hotel. Did Bravo suddenly come into an inheritance? Kara sleeps on the couch because Wendy has cooties. Kara is from Hollywood so she knows fakes. She's also very talented and has worked with famous people, in case you hadn't heard. The designers are working at the the Cotton office. The office is actually made out of cotton. Yes, that's right. It's very versatile; soft and supple, yet firm and structured, and also stain-resistant; it's the office of our lives.

The designers get a style consultation with Collier Strong. Then they fight over models:

Kara: "So what if I grabbed all the good models? I'm just pushier because I'm so talented!"

Wendy's mother and daughter visit the design room:

Wendy's mother: "Kara, I just want to tell you how talented I think you are!"

Kara: "Oh, thanks. Gosh, we all just love Wendy so much. You must be so proud, having such a talented daughter."

Wendy's mother: "You're even more sincere in person than you are on television. Jay, lets go outside and have a cigarette. Then we can go to the Village and get laid! [cough, cough, wheeze]"

Jay: "Uh, gee, Wendy, you're mom sure is, um, friendly."

Next up: Shoegate!

Kara somehow forgot to read her contract about having to pay for all the outsourcing for her collection.

Tim: "Wow, Kara, those shoes sure do look expensive. How were you able to afford them?"

Kara: "Oh, no, it's OK. I got them for free! They were designed specially for my collection and made in China and I didn't have to pay for them! Isn't that great?!"

Tim: "What is wrong with you that you don't see that that's not OK?"

Kara: "So I'm being penalized for having good taste?"

Tim: "Yes, that's it; you're being penalized for having good taste. Oh, yes, and also for cheating."

Kara: "Well, alright; as long as you admit that I'm being treated unfairly."

Tim: "Whatever. These are your options: We can either kick you off the show, chop off your models' feet, or just keep the judges from seeing the shoes."

Kara: "Uh, the third one."

Tim: "Good choice. Now, here's what we're going to have to do. The judges will be given special Michael Kors sunglasses that will block out your models' feet so they won't be able to see the shoes."

Personally, I think she should have been forced to send her models down the runway barefoot and been grateful she wasn't kicked off the show. Anyway, On to the runway:

The guest judge is Parker Posey. She has enormous glasses and a gigantic, crazy 'fro! She looks like a mental patient; God, she's fabulous!

First is Kara's collection. It's glamorous and sexy and well made and blah, blah, blah. It looks like costumes from the Aviator movie and it's totally boring.

Daniel and Alexandra: "Kara's going to win!"

You two are idiots.

Next is Wendy's collection. It's "the thrill of the hunt" but there are no guns so I don't get it. It's not great but I still find it more interesting than Kara's collection. So sue me.

Jay's theme is "Stereotype." Unsurprisingly, it is the most interesting and original theme. Almost every one of his pieces is breathtaking! They're amazingly original, intricate, dramatic, fun, cool, and almost wearable. Gorgeous!

The judging:

Judges: "Kara, your collection looks like Gucci."

Kara: "Oh, no; this is totally me. Gucci has been ripping me off for years. I'm a little tired so could you just announce that I'm the winner so we can go home?"

Sorry. Jay wins! Congratulations, Jay! I know you'll go on to greatness! ... Eventually! ... Maybe! ... OK, I'm still waiting ...

4 comments:

trixie b said...

This one may be your best. Hilarious but biting.


Jay lives in a tiny town and his father designs septic tanks, which Tim thinks is very similar to fashion design:

Tim: "Well, to be honest, they're both full of shit."


Genius. Comic genius.

BigAssBelle said...

First laugh I've had today. Don't you think Kara's soul was just aquiver with all of that fake denial she had going on? I can hear it: "Remember me? Your soul? The one you keep ranting about? You are loooooosing me. Give up the flippin shoes!!"

jinxy said...

Oh I just died laughing. You are so spot on with the tone, and make it all seem even funnier.

I actually Agree that Wendy's collection was more interesting than Kara's. However for me it was more of a "watching a train wreck" kind of interesting.

Wendy really is crazy. Kara really is living in a bubble created by her opinion of herself. And Jay really is talented... if only he didn't have to work with those pesky people with the money...

Anonymous said...

I wanted to see Kara's models walk barefoot too. Prolly would've backfired, though.