Project Runway Recap, Season Two, Episode 3: Barbie's Nightmare!
The boys at Project Rungay are blogging season two on DVD while we await the arrival of season four. So, Eric and I are watching and here's my recap:
We start the episode with soft-porn shots of Chloe on a couch.
Lupe, Kara, and Marla are fighting. It goes something like this:
Lupe: "Yo mama!"
Kara: "No; yo mama!"
Lupe: "What did you say, bitch?"
Marla: "I think what Kara is trying to explain to you is, 'Yo mama.'"
Lupe: "You better mind your own business, old lady. This kitchen is full of knives."
Seriously, what the fuck are they arguing about? I think it has to do with the fact that Kara likes to sleep off her anxiety medication and Lupe likes to get up early and bang on pots and pans. So apparently Kara has decided to switch beds so she can sleep in a different room. No big deal, right? Well, for some reason Lupe is still confused and Marla has to clear things up for her:
Lupe: "You want to move to another room? I don't understand."
Marla: "She wants to get away from you, freak! What part of that do you not understand?"
Lupe: "Oh, yeah, Marla, I forgot to tell you there was a message for you. It was 'Yo mama.'"
Meanwhile, next door, the fags are taking a long time getting ready. They all have to exfoliate and do their hair using only one bathroom! They could do a whole reality show about that:
Pitch to Bravo for new reality show set for fall 2007: Five homosexuals are forced to live in an apartment with one bathroom and still manage to look good enough to go out for brunch. The first one to have a complete nervous breakdown wins the title of Top Gay!
Seriously, how are they managing? Eric and I can't get ready in the morning with anything less than two bathrooms, though a third would be nice. Well, not only are they managing the bathroom crisis but they also have time to make fun of all the girls. And by "girls," of course, I mean Andrae. Andrae is taking it well:
Andrae: "My outburst on the runway was a little bit embarrassing."
You think? Anyway, we finally get to Parsons and Tim has an announcement:
Tim: "We are taking a field trip to meet a fashion icon! This is very thrilling! [To the camera] That didn't sound too sarcastic, did it?"
No, Tim; that was perfect. You can make the most silly announcements sound completely convincing.
Tim: "Oh, good. So, we'll be walking to Times Square, where this fashion icon lives!"
Designers: "Oh, god; it's that stupid naked cowboy, isn't it?"
Tim: "No, dummies. Just follow me."
They go to Toys R Us. Emmett is a little worried:
Emmett: "Ew, I hope there won't be any children there."
You're in luck, Emmett. The only person there seems to be a woman who looks like a cheap rip-off of a Bratz doll, which is to say she looks like a My Scene Barbie: vaguely ethnic, with collagen lips, badly highlighted hair, and a trashy, age-inappropriate outfit. Yes, she's a living doll!
Tim: "Surprise! The fashion icon is Barbie! Except that you will actually be designing for My Scene Barbie, who isn't a fashion icon at all. Let's just play along, shall we? OK, so you have to make sure you pick the right doll because it will be your inspiration for the challenge."
The designers rush the dolls, pulling each other's hair and scratching each other's eyes out. They are rolling on the floor, grabbing the dolls out of each other's hands. Marla kicks Daniel Franco in the nuts because she has to have the Asian doll. Lupe stabs Kara - she didn't want Kara's doll; she just got caught up in the excitement. Several designers end up in the emergency room. It's the worst massacre in a Toys R Us since the release of Tickle Me Elmo.
Tim: "By the way, I was just kidding; it doesn't matter which doll you grab. Carry on."
Kara: "If I hadn't lost so much blood I would kill you right now."
So, the designers are finally released from the hospital and go back to the design room. Except for Kara, who has been transferred to the psych ward:
Kara: "Hat, hat, hat! Where's the hat? I need the hat!"
Psychiatrist: "Try to calm down, Kara. Let's be honest here: there never really was a hat, was there? It was all in your imagination."
Kara: "NO! THE HAT IS REAL! GIVE ME THE HAT!"
Psychiatrist: "Nurse, bring the sedative."
Back in the design room Chloe thinks of something really interesting to say:
Chloe: "My Scene Barbie is all about being seen. That's why it's called My Scene. Seen. Get it?"
Yeah, we get it.
Daniel Franco is doing that famous shuffle that was named after him. He stares at his work adoringly from close up and then from far away. Just as I'm thinking he looks like he's studying a painting in an art museum he tells us:
Daniel Franco: "Looking at my clothes is like looking at a Monet in a museum."
The Monet of fashion, ladies and gentlemen! Except that Monet finished his work faster and wasn't quite as full of himself.
Diana, who apparently was in the Marines with Daniel Franco, is whispering "Semper Fi" in his ear to encourage him.
Diana: "No, I was saying 'simplify.'"
Oh. That makes much more sense.
Tim talks to Andrae about his outburst on the runway in the last challenge:
Tim: "There's no crying in fashion."
Andrae: "I think you mean baseball."
Tim: "Right. What did I say?"
The designers are told they will also need to make a miniature version of their outfits for the dolls and Tim "encourages" them to use synthetic platinum blond wigs for their models. Everyone does it except Andrae:
Andrae: "Barbie's hair looks perfectly natural on her but it would look fake on my fabulous model."
Christ, Andrae, are you trying to annoy the judges?
On to the runway:
Santino's is purple and slutty and the skirt looks like the edge of a pie crust. The judges love it. I think the proportions are off but the little doll version is actually really cute.
Lupe's is green and it's not bad.
Chloe's is pink and it's pretty cute but it might actually be a little young for the target audience.
Nick creates a dress for a Puerto Rican hooker and it's very successful. The judges think it's perfect.
Daniel V.'s is kind of a purple nightmare.
Zulema's looks like it was made out of a white bed sheet and it's pretty terrible.
Kara's is adorable but, like Chloe's, might be too young a look.
Emmett's is retro and fabulous and I thought he had a shot at winning.
Marla's is cranberry red and awful.
Raymundo's is just unspeakable. Really, I can't even bring myself to describe it. It makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
Andrae's has a big bubble skirt. It's kind of cool but no teenage girl would want to wear it.
Diana's is really fantastic! The skirt is perfect and the material of the top, which has a hood, is gorgeous! It's pretty cutting edge but I can still see a girl wanting to wear it. Another possibility for the win.
Daniel Franco's is black and red and way too sophisticated for this challenge.
So, Nick, Marla, Andrae, Kara, and Raymundo are the top and bottom. Again, I'm sorry not to see more of the best up there (this time Emmett and Diana) but this question segment is more about the worst than the best. So we only have Santino and Nick representing the best and Kara, for some reason, is stuck there in the worst, though it clearly wasn't that bad.
Judges: "Nick, tell us a story about your dress and a beach resort!"
Nick: "OK. So, I'm one of those 'special' uncles who likes other uncles and this is the outfit I would make for my little niece for when she goes whoring on the island of Capri."
Judges: "That's adorable!"
The judges think Andrae's is too weird and couture for a teenage girl:
Andrea: "Oh, my god. I can't believe what complete idiots you are!"
Well, at least this is an improvement over his meltdown last week.
Heidi: "Santino, we thought your design was beautiful!"
Santino: "Thank you! Oh, I can't believe this! Thank you so much! Yessss!!"
Heidi: "You're in. You may leave the runway."
Heidi: "I just said we thought your design was beautiful. I didn't say you won, you moron."
Nick wins! And I have my very own special limited edition unsigned Nick Verreos My Scene Barbie to prove it!
Raymundo goes home. The only bad thing about that is now his losing outfit will be displayed in the design room and we'll have to look at it through the rest of the competition. Oh, the humanity!