Saturday, July 12, 2008

Shear Genius, Season Two, episode three: Matthew's wife is prettier than you are!

It's a brand new day at the home of the geniuses:

Daniel: "This is going to be the greatest day of my entire life! I just hope nobody has to go home. I don't understand why we can't all just stay on the show and keep doing hair forever!"

Because then the show would never end.

Daniel: "Uh huh . . . and that's a problem why?

Well, I don't really have a good answer for that.

Last week Charlie won and the picture of his work is up on the Allure Wall of Horrors:

Jaclyn Smith: "Charlie . . ."

Disembodied Voice: "Yes, angels?"

Jaclyn: "Oh, sorry; I was talking to a different Charlie."

So, Jaclyn tells Charlie that he's been doing so well that he gets the amazing opportunity to say something bad about one of the other contestants:

Charlie: "Gail sucks. Whew! It feels so good to finally say it!"

Matthew: "Jaclyn, you didn't ask me any questions."

Jaclyn: "Why the hell would I? I already know your answer is somehow going to involve your goddamn wife and how friggin' great she is."

Matthew: "she's prettier than you"

Jaclyn: "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

Matthew: "nothing"

Jaclyn: "Yeah, that's what I thought, bitch."

For the quickfire, the geniuses have to create a style that is interesting and structurally complicated. The clients have really long hair. They also have to incorporate some ugly accessories and, oh yeah, nothing sharp can go near their hair (that's Orange County speak for "you can't cut their hair").

Charlie's style is looking a little bridal. Apparently that's bad. I guess I missed the part of the instructions where they were told they couldn't do bridal.

Nekisa didn't add the ugly accessory because she just didn't have that extra two seconds it would have taken to stick a flower in the client's hair. Somehow we end up with two geisha. They are both OK but I really like Dee's. Nicole made a total mess. I liked the idea of the braiding but the final result was just awful. She complained that her client didn't have any hair and when the judge disagreed with her she basically called him an idiot. Charlie's was OK but I didn't think it was very interesting. For some reason he was in the top two. Matthew's looked kind of nice in the back but, again, I didn't think it was very interesting and the strings of pearls looked so ridiculous. The judge picks Matthew as the winner. It turns out Nicole is right: the judge is an idiot.

Matthew: "This is just like that one time when my wife said she loved me."


Matthew wins the right to choose the order of model selection in the elimination challenge. I can't figure out why anyone would wast their energy trying to win these quickfire challenges. It just isn't worth it.

Suddenly we are on Big Brother and Matthew is HOH. People are fighting to have some personal time with him:

Nicole: "This is pathetic."

As annoying as Nicole is, I'm totally with her on this one.

Matthew: "You know the problem with all these people wanting to talk to me?"

They aren't your wife?

Matthew: "Bingo!"

For the elimination challenge, the geniuses have to choose from a bunch of super boring dresses and then after they choose the dress they will be matched with the client and create a red carpet look.

Matthew: "These aren't as nice as the dresses my wife would wear."

Rene: "This challenge has nothing to with your wife."

Matthew: "You're just jealous you don't have a wife as beautiful as my wife."

Rene: "Are you on drugs?"

So, the geniuses pick dresses and then meet their clients. Matthew decides to curl his client's hair, even thought she tells him it won't hold a curl:

Matthew: "My wife's hair would hold a curl."

You know what? I'm starting to think he doesn't even have a wife.

Charlie explains to us that hair show is different from red carpet. Unless you are Björk. So, then, I guess Paulo is designing for Björk. I don't see what's wrong with that.

One of the guest judges is "actress" Alison Sweeney. Daniel, of course, is peeing himself with excitement:

Matthew: "I'd be more excited to see my wife."

Daniel: "Well, you're a big dummy."

On to the red carpet hair show:

Dee's is kind of boring.

Matthew's is a total horror show.

Meredith did this big 1940s-inspired pompadour, which was almost kind of cool but was so wrong for the dress the client was wearing that it was really jarring.

I liked Daniel's. I could see Lindsay Lohan wearing this on the red carpet. It didn't hurt that his client looked a little like Lindsay Lohan, of course.

OK, yes, Paulo's was much more runway than red carpet. I get it. But it was still kind of cool and the idea that there are never outrageous looks on the red carpet is just silly. I can see Judy Dench with this hair style, can't you?

I thought Nicole's was pretty boring.

Glenn's was not bad. I could see Deborah Messing wearing this. Again, it doesn't hurt that the client looked a little like Deborah Messing.

Charlie is the clear winner. The color, which is where he spent the most time, is beautiful. The style is so sleek and simple but the way it folds over in the back adds subtle architectural interest. It's a hairstyle that adds glamour to the overall look without calling attention to itself.

Gail's is a little boring.

Nekisa's isn't very good.

On to the judging:

The judges act like they've never seen a style with one loose piece of hair hanging down. It's one thing to dislike it but it's another to be totally surprised by it.

One of the judges says he couldn't send his clients down the red carpet looking like Paulo's client. Did he ever think that maybe he needs new clients?

Charlie, Glenn, and Gail were the top three. Charlie wins again.

Nicole, Matthew, and Paulo are the bottom three. Matthew is out.

Matthew: "Being on this show was so important because it has given me the national platform I have been looking for to talk about my wife."

Meredith: "His wife must give amazing blow jobs."


theminx said...

lolol...your best recap yet! You should thank Matthew's wife for the inspiration :)

mizelana said...

I love you Eric - that recap was really funny!

Laura K said...

"I can see Judi Dench with this hairstyle..." LMAO - great recap, Eric!

Cliff O'Neill said...

Still dying over the Judi Dench comment. And sooo with you on the Deborah Messing thing! I thought the exact same thing!

Oh, and my wife says "Hi! Hi!"

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

"You know what? I'm starting to think he doesn't even have a wife."

I am still laughing about that. It certainly makes you wonder doesn't it? It is probably his mom.

eric3000 said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone!

Yeah, Matthew sure made life easy for us this week!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading all your blogs and this one made me laugh till i cried. Thank YOU!! I dont watch genius anymore but reading your blog is so great and better than the show.