Get ready for the most shocking episode of The Fashion Show ever! EVER!
Isaac Mizrahi: "Well, I am so disappointed!"
You thought the clothes were bad again this week?
Isaac: "No, I'm so disappointed that Craigslist got rid of the erotic services section!"
OK, picture it: Sicily, 1984. Kristin thinks she has just invented the versatile black knit tube dress:
Kristin: "I don't know what was wrong with my tube dress idea. You could wear it as a skirt or a dress or a scarf or a turban or one half of a pair of leggings ..."
Yeah, or you could make a brooch or a pterodactyl, we get it, it's versatile. The thing is, there's a reason it didn't take off in the 1980s. Most women don't need one ugly garment that can be transformed into several different ugly garments.
Kristin: "You know what? I don't need this shit. I'm going home."
Well, now I feel bad. Seriously, I did not see that coming.
Other Eric: "You didn't see that coming? They announced last week that someone would be going home this week."
Someone is supposed to go home every week. That's the point of the show.
Other Eric: "No, they said someone was quitting."
Really? Well, like I've said before, I'm not this clueless by accident. I work hard at it.
Anyway, I'm really sorry Kristin felt she had to leave. Obviously, Isaac's critique of her outfit last week was completely out of line but who could know she was going to be this sensitive? I wish she had hung in there a little longer. We wish you well, Kristin!
On to the show:
Isaac: "Remember how much you loved working in your teams last time? You don't? Trust me, you loved it. Well, you get to work in those same teams this week! And since Team Sausage Casing is down two members, we have a special surprise for James-Paul. Because you won last week, James-Paul, you get to choose someone to change teams!"
James-Paul: "Wow. What a treat."
Daniella uses her Jedi mind tricks:
Daniella: "You will pick me to change teams."
James-Paul: "I will pick Daniella to change teams."
Daniella: "this is almost too easy."
Harper's Bizarre Quickfire Challenge:
The teams will have to pick garments out of a box and create one outfit with pieces totaling several thousand dollars and one similar outfit worth one tenth of that. Super fun challenge that sounds so easy but apparently isn't:
Markus: "This outfit smells expensive!"
Team Bolero wins! They will get a little extra money to spend in the elimination challenge.
The teams pick their leaders:
Team Little People is Angel, Lidia, Merlin, and James-Paul, with James-Paul as the leader.
Reco: "I don't like the little people."
Well, that's just prejudiced.
Reco: "I can't be prejudiced. I drive a Prius."
James-Paul: "The theme of our collection will be Stealth Fighter, which is this plane that was invented a couple of years ago."
OK, I know it sometimes seems like the 1980s were just a couple of years ago except that, wait a minute, no, it doesn't. The B-2 Bomber was developed before James-Paul was born.
Team Die-Nasty is Johnny, Reco, Markus, Laura, and Haven, with Haven as the leader:
Haven: "My inspiration is me!"
Haven: "You know! Me! Linda Evans and me. Linda Evans and me wearing shoulder pads and bitch-slapping each other in a fountain."
OK, I think I speak for everyone when I say yeah, we'd like to see that.
Team Sausage Casing is Andrew, Daniella, Keith, and Anna, with Anna as the leader:
Anna: "We have no inspiration."
Some socialite enters the design room. I've never heard of her. But I did let my subscription to Guns and Ammo and Socialites expire so I might have missed something.
The designers have $40 each (or $50 in the case of Team Little People) to create outfits for the socialite's busy socialiting schedule:
Socialite: "Oh, my god, I am, like, so busy! Tomorrow I'm eating lunch and then on Friday I'm getting waxed and then next week I'm designing a line of jewelry and releasing my newest sex tape!"
Where does she find the time?
Anyway, the important thing to know about our socialite is that she likes to dress like a whore and she thinks everyone is obsessed with her hair:
Socialite: "People are always saying that what's on my head is more interesting than what's in my head. People are so sweet!"
Someone get me the TRESemmé shine spray! Stat!
Laura wants to use red tulle on her dress. Everyone tells her not to use it because it's awful:
Laura: "I don't understand what you are saying."
Everyone: "Don't use the red tulle! It's awful!"
Laura: "OK, you don't have to yell! I heard you the first five times! You said you kind of like the red tulle but you're not absolutely sure about how much of it I should use, right?"
Everyone: "No! We hate it! Don't use it! DO NOT USE IT!"
Laura: "I feel like you are trying to tell me something. Could you please stop being so vague?"
Everyone: "Please don't use the red tulle. We are begging you not to use it."
Laura: "Got it. Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to putting the red tulle on my dress."
During the commercial break, we learn that Isaac only sleeps four hours a day:
Isaac: "It's the four hours I'm filming this show. Can you tell?"
On to the fashion show:
The huge stars in the audience include a TRESemmé stylist. I wonder how they scored her!
Johnny's model's boobs are falling out but Reco happens to have some duct tape:
Reco: "Honey, I never leave the house without duct tape."
Angel's dress for an art gallery opening is beautiful! Close up you can see that the fabrication and construction are not really high end but from a few feet away, it looks great! And I'm glad she didn't put paper airplanes on it. Fern thinks it's a little dressy for a gallery opening and I don't disagree with her. I guess most people don't wear cocktail dresses to gallery openings. But some people do so I think it's perfectly appropriate.
Merlin's ladies luncheon dress is just weird. I guess it's not bad.
James-Paul's rock concert outfit is bad. He thinks it's too conceptual but it's really just too unflattering. it makes the model look wide and it's not as interesting as he thinks it is. And nobody would wear it to a rock concert.
Lidia's charity gala dress is pretty basic pageant wear, slit up to her hoohoo. It looks cheap (which, of course, it was).
Anna's ladies luncheon look is a skirt with pleating detail and a purple blouse. It's appropriate for lunch and the skirt is pretty.
Andrew's little black dress for an art gallery opening is appropriate for the occasion and Isaac likes it but I think it's dull.
Daniella's rock concert look is a short bustier jumpsuit. you know how I love jumpsuits but this one isn't doing it for me.
Keith's pewter strapless gown for a charity gala is OK.
Johnny's look for an art gallery opening is a mess. The skirt is kind of cute but the top is just pasted on and Isaac is freaking out over the fact that it's just pinned together.
Markus's ladies luncheon dress looks like a paper bag.
Haven's movie screening look is shorts with a pink top. The only thing I can think to say about this outfit is that it didn't require much fabric.
Laura's rock concert look is a totally clichéd black dress with the stupid red tulle ruffle everyone warned her about.
Reco's charity gala gown is obviously well made. I just don't get it.
I have to stop a moment to comment on what Lidia is wearing. It's a gold pleated dress with a crinoline. It's gorgeous! Did she make it or is it vintage? Does anyone know?
Anyway, Anna's team wins! Daniella wins the challenge! Congratulations, Daniella!
Haven's team, Team Die-Nasty, is on the bottom. The bottom three are Laura, Markus, and Johnny. All three are total crap but I guess Johnny and Markus were at least trying to do something a little more interesting. Laura's dress looked like a reject from an old music video.
Johnny nearly blows it:
Isaac: "Johnny, the construction of your garment is terrible."
Johnny: "Well, I'm a designer. I didn't know this was going to be The Seamstress Show."
Isaac: "Haven't you ever watched this show before?"
Johnny: "No. This is the first season of this show."
Isaac: "Oh, you know what I mean! Don't fuck with me! I only sleep four hours a night and I'm tired!"
Laura is out.
Laura: "I don't understand. Did they like the red tulle ruffle or not?"