Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Fashion Show, Episode Five: the psych out episode!

Last week, after consulting a bowl of chicken entrails, I accurately predicted that Reco would win and Andrew would be sent home. I'm afraid that exhausted my psychic powers so I won't be doing more performances. Please stop asking if I do Bar Mitzvahs.

I have to add that Angel totally should have won with that amazing shirt dress. She's so talented; it's a shame she's such a disaster.

We start this episode with Reco telling us that Lidia should have "went" home because Andrew was cute. That's as good a criteria for judging this show as any other, I guess.

For the Bizaare Quickfire Challenge, Isaac brings out a dress:

Isaac: "Being a designer is like being a secret agent. You get to drive cool cars and talk into your shoe and, most importantly, you get to kill people with impunity!"

Kelly: "I'm pretty sure you can't do that last one. And, also, I keep trying to explain that you don't actually have a shoe phone."

Isaac: "Really? But whenever I scream into my shoe, someone always brings me what I want."

Kelly: "Just explain the challenge."

Isaac: "Right. This intricate couture gown took 700 hours to create and sells at Target for $39.95. Take a good look because I want you to draw me . . . a bath! HAHAHAHAHAHA! No, seriously, that sounds really relaxing. I'd like to take a bath."

The designers draw Isaac a bath. Daniella wins! Congratulations, Daniella!

Daniella: "Wow, thank you so much! I can't believe I managed to win despite that fact that James-Paul's gigantic head was blocking me the entire time."

Daniella wins possibly the worst prize ever for a quickfire challenge: during the elimination challenge, she will have the opportunity to punch one of the other designers in the stomach for absolutely no reason.

Isaac: "That's a really great advantage, right?"

Well, it's no more ridiculous than usual.

For the elimination challenge, the designers go to the famous Cross-Promotion Modeling Agency, where they think they will be meeting their models but, instead, meet a bunch of morbidly obese women:

Daniella: "Oh, my god! I think I'm gonna barf!"

James-Paul: "Where did you find these sideshow freaks?"

Reco: "Well, personally, I like a woman to have a little junk in her trunk."

Seriously, some of those women must have been at least a size 8. That building must have a freight elevator.

The designers spend the next several hours tying mattresses to their dress forms:

Larry Miller: "If we don't turn your dress form into a size 16, your mattress is FREEEEEE!!!"

You're killing me, Larry.

Daniella is crying because she's young and she knows what young people like and young people do not like huge asses:

Isaac: "Daniella, your model is perfectly normal, it's kind of sizist of you not to want to design for her."

Daniella: "Just because I think fat people shouldn't have nice clothes, doesn't make me a sizist!"

James-Paul is also having problems understanding the purpose of clothing:

James-Paul: "As a designer, I don't think I should be burdened by the fact that someone might actually have to wear my designs."

On to the fashion show:

Keith's red dress with a black waistband looks a lot like Andrew's losing design from last week. But it's even uglier and more boring, if that's possible.

Johnny created a little black dress with the picture of a smaller print dress sewn onto the front. It's actually pretty flattering but it's a little tacky and dated. Other Eric says he remembers Downtown Julie Brown wearing that dress.

Anna's black and blue dress makes her model look dumpy. It's not a bad dress but it's completely wrong for that woman.

Daniella created a very flattering suit. Her model looks fantastic in it. The little black sheath fits perfectly and the navy coat is very cute.

Haven created a bright pink monstrosity. OK, it's really not that bad but the weird collar makes her model's neck look short.

James-Paul created a black skirt and a white top that made his model look like a linebacker. I understand he's all theoretical and shit but he's going to have to make something that actually looks good one of these weeks or he'll be out.

Lidia created a nicely draped dress paired with a satin blouse for a lovely woman who must have been eight or nine feet tall. I liked it.

Merlin claims his model wanted a skirt that was too tight to fit into. I thought the jacket was nice; it de-emphasized the hips, if that was the point. But the skirt was just awful.

Angel, once again, didn't finish her dress. It was held together with pins and was kind of a mess. But if it had been hemmed properly and the model were wearing Spanx, it might have been pretty. It certainly eliminated the woman's imagined short-waistedness.

Reco created a charcoal suit with a red top for a woman who was concerned about her perfectly normal breasts. As one would expect from Reco, it was flattering and well-made. And it looked like something a hooker would wear to a job interview.

Daniella wins! Congratulations, Daniella! I think that was the right decision.

Daniella punches Angel in the stomach:

Isaac: "Daniella, we respect your decision to punch Angel in the stomach. But there are two other designers we would like to punch in the stomach this week."

Keith and Merlin join Angel in the bottom three:

Keith: "This wasn't my fault. I had to spend the entire time rescuing this awful dress."

Isaac: "But you designed the dress."

Keith: "Yes, but trust me, it was even worse before I rescued it."

Merlin and Angel are safe. Isaac tells Angel she needs to do some soul searching. I have no idea how soul searching will help her time-management skills but Isaac is the expert so who am I to argue?

Keith is out. Sorry Keith; you'll have to find another venue for sharing your boring stories about making clothes out of sheets.


Cliff O'Neill said...

Damn you! You made me wake up the husband with my incessant cackling at your post!! You too funny!

Laura said...

Hilarious! Thanks Eric.

eric3000 said...


mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

A hooker going to a job interview.... Love it

I am trying to think of the advantage of having a shirt dress you can wear upside is beyond me.

eric3000 said...

You're thinking about it too hard. It doesn't have to make sense; it's just a dress. LOL!