Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Four: Quitting Time!

Tim Gunn: "I have an announcement to make. Eric3000 left his hotel room in the middle of the night. We have every reason to believe he is still alive, but we have not been able to contact him."

Melissa: "Yeah, I just heard him mumble something about how the stupid Hilton doesn't have Lifetime Television and then he was gone."

Kooan: "That makes me sad. And being sad makes me not happy. If Eric3000 leaves, then I'm leaving, too."

Christofur: "Why does all this terrible stuff keep happening to me?"

I'm fine! Sorry to worry you!

Melissa: "I didn't really care."

Well, anyway, I'm staying at this stupid Hilton in San Diego and the only thing I needed was access to Lifetime, but apparently Cox Cable doesn't carry it."

Heidi: "Ha ha! You said Cox!"

Oh, grow up, Heidi. This is serious.

Heidi: "Look, maybe you just aren't cut out for this. This is a tough business. Instead of whining about not being able to watch on television, why don't you just watch the episode online?"

I can do that?

Heidi: "That's what I've been told. One of my dog's chef's personal assistants watches the show that way."

Wait, does your dog have more than one chef?

Heidi: "No, sorry, I have more than one dog, and each dog has its own chef. Each dog's chef, of course, has several personal assistants. I don't know how many. I can't be expected to keep track of these things."

I feel like we've gone off on a tangent. I've seen the show now, so maybe we should talk about that.

OK, so, Andrea and Kooan left the show. To make up for losing two designers, they bring back half a designer: Raul. That's Project Runway math. The designers meet Tim at Michael Kors' new lifestyle store. Because a lifestyle is a choice. And you buy it in a store.

Tim: "You have fifteen minutes to grab as much of this lifestyle crap as you can."

Michael Kors: "Wait, what?"

The designers go batshit crazy, ransacking the store.

Michael Kors: "Man, I just cleaned up in here."

They take their loot back to the design room to make garments for me, a blogger on the go. So here are the requirements:

1) They crank the shit out of the AC on Amtrak trains, so I will need a ski parka that will also be appropriate to wear outside, where it is over 100 degrees.

2) I will be doing a lot of walking and dragging around a suitcase, so obviously I will need extremely high platform stilettos.

3) I do not wear black.

GO!

Alicia made a pant and a white shirt. It's fine, but it's not really very versatile.

Melissa made a black and grey knit layered look. It's nice and it should keep me warm on the train, but she ignored my instruction, as usual, about not using black.

Fabio made a black and white dress with a bolero. Is he serious? I can't wear that!

Gunnar made a weird paneled skirt that is not nearly as ugly as his sketch.

Nathan made a pretty, if unexciting, mustard-colored dress.

Dmitry made a very nice grey jersey dress that only has one seam, which would be really impressive IF ANYONE CARED!

Ven made a nude cocktail dress that made me want to bang my head against the wall.

Raul is just a disaster.

Elena made a giant grey jacket.

Christofur made a black draped dress and almost made up for it with a nice leather jacket.

So, the best and the worst:

Buffi is out with a totally Buffi creation of pink chiffon over a zebra print. I feel like the judges wouldn't have hated it as much if it weren't so horribly constructed:

Buffi: "It only has seventy-two seams!"

That is surprising. Sonjia wins with another grey knit dress. There was a lot of grey and there were a lot of knit dresses on the runway, but I agree with the judges that this was probably the best. Oh, and did we mention the dress only has one seam?

Hayden Panettiere: "Sonjia, I would be totally honored to wear your dress to a red carpet event."

Sonjia: "OK. Who are you?"