Project Runway Season Ten, episode seven: The progress of our values!
That's right, the progress of our values! It's a phrase that doesn't mean anything at all, but if you say it people will cheer! Because people love values! And people love the word "values" randomly linked to other words that sound good! Yay!
For this challenge, the designers take a field trip to the flagship store of Lord & Taylor, where they find a line of the most boring dresses you have ever seen, created by designers from previous seasons. We meet the president of Lord & Taylor:
Mitt Romney: "This president promises to slow the rise of sea level. What a joke. I pledge to flood New Orleans on a regular basis!"
Mitt Romney: "He sure is!"
No, I mean you're complaining about the wrong president. This is a lovely woman who is the president of a department store chain.
Mitt Romney: "oh. Well, I probably gave her that job. I give lots of jobs to women. Obviously they don't need jobs, because their husbands can take care of them, but I think it's cute that they try."
Yes, well, anyway, back to the boring dresses at Lord & Taylor. Can the president please explain this to me?
The President of the United States: "My opinion on this matter is still evolving, so I generally leave these decisions to Michelle."
NO! THE OTHER PRESIDENT!
The President of Lord & Taylor: "Oh, yes, of course. The Lord & Taylor customer loves fashion, but not enough to actually buy something fashionable. She wants something that's cheap for an expensive dress, but expensive for a cheap dress, if you know what I'm saying."
I know exactly what you're saying. The designers will need to make really boring dresses that will retail for $200-$300.
The designers do a good job. I think most of the dresses are easily boring enough to meet the criteria of the challenge. They mostly make little black dresses. Which would have been really good, if this had been an LBD challenge. But it wasn't. Except, I guess it sort of was. Whatever.
Ven, Dmitry, and Sonjia are safe. Ven deserved to be safe, with his tacky, but adequately constructed dress. It looked a bit like the model's chest was collapsing:
Yeah, sort of like that, but not as cool.
Dmitry's was better than most of the designs this week, though the back was not as good as the front. Sonjia's was horrible and she should have been on the bottom. I get the retro 1980s vibe, but there is no way a Lord & Taylor customer is wearing that dress. No. Way.
Elena created a poorly-fitted little black dress. It's weird. I like weird. Her clothes tend to make her model look very thick waisted. But if it had fit better, I think it would have looked pretty good. The judges like it, shocking everyone who has eyes. I'm shocked. Elena is shocked. The judges pretend to be shocked that Elena is shocked, even though they obviously knew she would expect them to hate it, which they probably would have, except they were trying to shock us. And they did. Have I mentioned that I was shocked?
Melissa created a sheath dress of stiff bronze fabric, with a cool neckline and a really stupid asymmetrical hem. She's in the top four with Elena.
Christofur created a gown with a shredded blush top and black skirt. It's very nice (nice is boring). He's also in the top four.
Fabio created a pretty little black dress. It's also very nice (getting sleepy now). He rounds out the top four. Fabio is wearing a garland of flowers in his hair, like a hippie:
Fabio: "My foreign policy is Make love, not war."
Condoleezza Rice: "OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"
The bottom two are Alicia and (GASP) Gunnar! Look, I totally agree with the judges that Gunnar's dress put the B in boring, but that's exactly why it should have won this challenge. Gunnar and I thought they were supposed to make boring dresses. Gunnar and I totally agree on this. Gunnar and I don't know why I keep saying "Gunnar and I." Gunnar and I have never met.
Alicia, obviously, has been a perpetual bottom dweller and one of these weeks she's got to go. But her awful dress was not a total failure. It was even weirder than Elena's. And if it hadn't looked like total shit I think I might have liked it. She really needs to improve her construction skills.
Anyway, Alicia is safe! Meaning Gunnar is ... also safe! I was shocked! But it makes a little more sense now. Because Gunnar's dress was obviously not the worst thing out there. But they decided to keep everyone, which meant they could go through the elimination process in any order they wanted. So they chose to be shocking. And it worked. Did I mention I was shocked?
So, yeah, there was a lot of crying in this episode, both in despair and in joy:
Clint Eastwood: "I haven't cried this much since Oprah caused the recession!"