Project Runway Season Eleven, Episode Nine: Girls against Boys!

Michelle: “These are the good years for Daniel and me. We made it into the final seven, and since we assume nobody is watching the show anymore, it really takes the pressure off. Patricia has developed a new strategy of just nodding and smiling at everyone like a deranged robot. And Richard has stopped speaking. I didn’t think life could get any better. Then one day I found Daniel ripping apart his pink jacket ...”

Daniel: “I just wanted to make clothes that make people happy. I’m a happy person! These are tears of happiness! I’m sorry if you have a problem with that, Michelle, but I’m so freaking happy right now I just want to jump in front of a bus!”

Michelle: “Daniel, what are you talking about?”

Daniel: “You told me that I have to make clothes that make people miserable.”

Michelle: “I didn’t say that.”

Daniel: “You stood right there and told me that happy clothes are not in fashion now and I have to make clothes that make people sad. I just want everyone to know that.”

Michelle: “Daniel, I ...”

Daniel: “No, that’s fine. You clearly know much more about making people unhappy, so I’ll defer to your expertise on this.”

Michelle: “Oh, I think I know what the problem is. Honey, have you been getting enough ketchup lately?”

Daniel: “Ketchup?”

Michelle: “Yes, ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help reduce psychotic episodes so you can finish a challenge.”

Daniel: “I guess you’re right. Maybe I just need more ketchup. Thanks, Michelle.”

These are the good years, 

in the golden sun. 

A new day is dawning, 

a new challenge has begun. 

Life is flowing 

like ketchup on a bun. 

Ketchup. 

Ketchup.

[Brought to you by the Catchup Advisory Board]

Thank you. This week’s challenge pits the boys against the girls.

Tim: “No, it doesn’t. The judges thought very carefully about how to team up the designers.”

Oh, really? Let’s take a look at that conversation, shall we?

Heidi: “Patricia and Stanley will really get on each other’s nerves.”

Zac: “Yeah, let’s make them work together!”

Nina: “That will be funny! And I think if Michelle and Daniel work together one of them could have a complete mental breakdown.”

Heidi: “Then that’s our second team! That leaves Samantha, Layana, and Richard as the third team.”

Zac: “Ooh, Layana and Richard might actually kill each other!”

Heidi: “Perfect! I am so excited about torturing these designers!”

OK, I stand corrected. I guess they did put a lot of thought into that. Anyway, that doesn’t change the fact that it was the girls against the boys this week, even if that wasn’t the official team breakdown. So, let’s look at what He said and what She said:

Richard: “Samantha, would you please tell Layana that I am not speaking to her?”

Layana: “Samantha, would you please tell Richard he’s just jealous because I’m prettier than he is?”

Samantha: “Would someone please tell me what the hell I did to deserve this?”

Well, you agreed to go on this show, for starters. Anyway, the challenge this week is to create a look that can be sold at Lord & Taylor and retail for around $250 (I think) and it’s supposed to be inspired by their signature rose and apparently it should be designed for a younger customer (I think) but not too young (I’m looking at you, Samantha). The president of Lord & Taylor tells us the fascinating details about the typical Lord & Taylor customer:

Lord & Taylor Lady: “Our customer hates fashion and likes to look dated and awful.”

Well, obviously. Who doesn't? So, the designers are creating their own individual looks this week and the teams are apparently just there to lead to unnecessary conflict and, if the producers have their way, homicide.

Tim: “That’s not true! These designers are helping each other. They complete each other. Daniel is like the chocolate to Michelle’s peanut butter. Stanley is like the Vicks VapoRub to Patricia’s Breathe Right nasal strips. Now, Daniel, do something about your awful pink jacket; Michelle, lose that “rain vest,” which, by the way, is not a thing; Patricia, simplify your pant to keep your look within budget. There; See how everyone is helping each other?”

No, YOU just helped them.

Tim: “Oh, you’re giving me too much credit.”

I give up. So, how did the designers do? Well, it could have been worse. There was nothing very exciting, but most of the looks were pretty nice. 

Patricia and Stanley both created nice looks that probably would have made them the winning team if the judges hadn’t ignored the teams part of the challenge this week. Stanley’s dress wouldn’t have much hanger appeal, but it had beautiful seam lines and I actually liked it. Patricia’s silk pants were a little off, but her chiffon top seemed like it could sell. Again, I didn’t think either look was amazing, but I thought their combined score should have made them the winning team.

Michelle won this challenge all on her own. The judges simply ignored how horrible Daniel’s pink disaster was. I think he would have been better off with the jacket and shorts. (But not matching shorts!) Oh, well. The judges loved Michelle’s dress so much they didn’t care. And it was a cute dress. At first it reminded me a little too much of Mondo’s Nanette Lapore dress, which was for a similar challenge and had a similar silhouette and horizontal color blocking. But after going back and looking at Mondo’s dress, I guess they don’t look much alike. Michelle wins the challenge! Congratulations, Michelle!

Not Michelle's dress

And Daniel was very lucky to be teamed up with Michelle:

Daniel: “Yes, without her I wouldn’t have made this dress.”

Michelle: “Please don’t give me credit for that dress.”

Daniel: “Don’t be silly. You deserve it. This pink dress is all you!”

Poor Daniel. I can see that it would be confusing to be on the winning team when you actually have the worst look on the runway. 

The bottom three were Richard, Layana, and Samantha. All three looks had problems. Richard and Layana made decent dresses that can’t really be worn anywhere. They were too casual for evening and too dressy for day. 

I said almost exactly the same thing the Lord & Taylor lady said when I saw Richard's look: it looks like a dress you would wear to the beach, except that you obviously wouldn’t wear that dress to the beach.

Lord & Taylor Lady: “Jinx! You owe me a coke!”

Fine. I owe the Lord & Taylor lady a coke. I can live with that.

Layana’s dress was also weird. It was kind of pretty, but it was wrong for spring. And where do you wear a gown like that? A photo shoot for your new fragrance? I just don’t get it.

Samantha. Why? What was that? Why didn’t Tim talk her out of it. They all saw that it was looking too junior. When has the word “junior” ever come out of Nina’s mouth as a compliment? The judges do not want to see anything junior. But, ignoring that for the moment, the dress didn’t even look junior to me; it looked like childrenswear. As a teenage girl, I can say I don’t want to wear that.*

*That's right. Eric3000 is actually a teenage girl. I've just been pretending to be a forty-[mumble] year old man so that I would be taken seriously in the literary community. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused.