This past weekend's home improvement project: The patio!

Here is a picture of our patio! We have been waiting for the painters to finish working on our building and now that the patio walls have been painted, we could finally get some more plants. The design problem was that I wanted a partial screen of plants so that we didn't just have a view of a big blank wall but we couldn't have plants that were too bushy or we wouldn't have room for a table. I think the best options were either attaching a trellis to the wall and growing bougainvillea or jasmine or to get some tall bamboo plants. I think either option would have worked but the trellis would have been a pain to attach, the plants would have been messy, and I think it would have taken a while for them to grow in. So we got some bamboo. They didn't have bamboo like this at Home Depot; we had to go to a bigger nursery to find it. I think it goes really well with the mid-century style of the architecture. It is so much more pleasant to look outside now. Now we have a courtyard view instead of a view of a cement wall. I also put some succulents in planter boxes above the lower wall to add some privacy. The problem is I don't think they will get enough sun under that tree and I may have to replace them with something else. Overall, I'm very happy with the results!

Top Chef: Chicago: The Reunification!

OK, so now that the season is over and nobody cares anymore, we have a reunion episode. Seriously, I thought the season was perfectly entertaining but it's over and I'm trying to get on with my life. Unless they have clips of Michael Kors having a laughing fit, I don't know what they could do to keep my attention.

Anyway, I'm writing a brief recap:

So, we begin with Andy Cohen introducing the judges and telling us that Richard is too busy giving birth to show up for such an important event. Bravo should have performed a Cesarean earlier in the week to make sure he would be available.

We see the clip of Stephanie winning, as though we can't remember that long ago and need to be reminded.

Gail defends her state of shock about Richard's choking comment:

Gail: "I wasn't shocked that he knew he choked; I was shocked that he said it."

Tom: "Yeah, we all understood what you meant. We were still all shocked at how shocked you were."

Tom asks a dumb question:

Tom: "Stephanie, do you want people to think you are a woman or a chef?"

Stephanie: "Who gives a rat's ass? I just want the hundred thousand dollars."

Now for the regularly scheduled bromance section of the Bravo reunion show:

The couples are Spike and Mark, Dale and Richard, Spike and Andrew, Spike and anyone else who will have him, and, of course, as always, Tom and Howie.

Apparently Mark got married to Andie MacDowell in order to get his green card. Congratulation, Mark!

Now on to Jen and Zoi: Spike is called out for mentioning that they had an advantage by having a partner on the show, which is basically exactly what Jen and Zoi said in one of the early episodes but now they think it was a disadvantage. How dare Spike say something that makes perfect sense and that everyone agreed with? What an asshole.

Is it true and Jen and Zoi have split up? Well, they aren't going to tell us because they feel like they've already talked about it too much. Of course, I haven't heard or read a damn thing about them so I'd like to know:

Zoi: "We think it's better for people to get their information from Internet rumors than from us."

Have it your way.

Then we learn about the chefs bizarre dreams:

Dale: "I had this dream where I was in Whole Foods and I bought a rack of lamb but the meat wasn't as good I thought."

Spike: "I had this dream where I was running around Whole Foods looking for ingredients for a meal."

Lisa: "I had this dream where I was being judged by the judges."

Wow. Those dreams make no sense at all. I wonder what they could mean.

We learn that Antonia got the nickname MC Hammer because of her ridiculous baggy pants and the fact that she was personally responsible for every elimination this season.

Antonia: "It's hammer time!"

Then we get out-takes from the Glad Wrap room. The chefs are performing magic tricks and playing the didgeridoo while Gail is asleep on the judges' table.

Andy: "Is it just me or were the judges extremely critical this season."

It's just you. I'm pretty sure the judges were exactly as critical as every other season.

Apparently Lisa was scowling a lot at judges' table. I didn't notice.

Lisa tells us about this lesbian party she went to. Is that a party with lesbians or some special type of party?

Lisa: "You wouldn't understand."

Then we get clips of the special insanity that is Andrew. Gail gets all weak in the knees:

Gail: "Like, oh, my God! He is so cute!"

We get clips of all the stupid fights on the show. But the clips are made so much more entertaining because they are accompanied by bell sounds from boxing matches.

The chefs had potty mouths this season and the viewers' sensibilities were offended. Sheesh.

We get Richard live via satellite, apparently from the CNN headquarters. He gets an adorable Top Chef onesy for his baby.

Time to announce the fan favorite:

I bet it will be Nimma.

Nimma: "I bet it will be me."

I already did that joke.

Tom: "I can tell you it probably won't be Lisa. Ha ha!"

Lisa: "Laugh it up, hairless-ball."

Stephanie wins another ten thousand dollars. What a stupid decision. The fan favorite should be someone the people love but who doesn't really have a chance of actually winning.

Other Eric: "Did you vote?"

No.

Other Eric: "Well, if you don't vote, you can't complain about it."

You're right. I should take my voting responsibilities more seriously.

Finally, words of advice for future Top Chef contestants:

Lisa: "Learn how to make rice."

Stephanie: "Try to be just as cute as a button."

Good advice. Well, that wasn't so bad. There were a few cute parts. They just should have aired it before the finale.

Top Chef: Chicago, finale, part two: still in Puerto Rico!

OK, so Eric and I just got back from New York (see my previous post for a report on my trip) but our hotel did actually have Bravo so we got to see the finale on Wednesday. Also, speaking of Puerto Rico (yes, we were; just look at the title), we got into the city last Sunday during the Puerto Rico Day parade, which made it really hard to get to our hotel. Our friend Lisa, who was in the car with us, kept saying, "Ooh! I love the Gay Puerto Rico Day parade!" and we kept having to tell her it was just the Puerto Rico Day parade:

Lisa: "Are you sure? Well, I happen to love the gay Puerto Ricans!"

Anyway, back to Puerto Rico and the remaining chefs: Richard, Lisa, and Stephanie. Stephanie tells us she is hoping to be the first female top chef, Richard says he doesn't want to be a total loser because of the baby, and Lisa tells everyone to suck it.

We meet up with Padma and Tom, who introduce the culinary god Eric Ripert and two other people I've never heard of. They are going to be the sous chefs, which is really demeaning and I can't figure out why they would subject themselves to this but they seem to handle it well.

The three guest chefs each have different proteins to work with so the contestant chefs will get both the guest chef as a sous chef and have to design a menu around those particular proteins. Got that? They will have to make a four course meal with fish, poultry, meat, and dessert.

Stephanie picks first and she chooses chef Ripert. Good choice. Who can resist that adorable French accent?

Richard is doing the molecular gastronomy thing. His special request for cooking equipment is a small nuclear reactor and he's using it to change the molecular structure of Tabasco sauce:

Eric Ripert: "I've never seen that technique used outside of North Korea."

On day two, Tom comes into the kitchen and tells the chefs that their sous chefs all called in sick. I bet they went to the beach. Lazy bastards.

Lisa's menu is grilled prawns, tom kha gai soup (Gesundheit!) and dumplings, Wagyu beef (which I guess is like Kobe beef), and black Thai rice pudding.

Richard's menu is scallops, guinea hen with froie gras and eggs, pork belly, and the ever popular banana scallops with bacon ice cream.

Stephanie's menu is red snapper, quail with lobster ravioli and quail egg, lamb medallions, and ricotta pound cake.

Tom visits the chefs. Richard has nothing to say other than the fact that his menu is abstract:

Tom: "Abstract like Picasso or completely nonrepresentational like Jackson Pollock?"

Richard: "Liquid nitrogen banana scallops Toyota Glad wrap."

Tom: "I'll let you get back to work."

Stephanie is making the best pound cake she's ever tasted, which doesn't seem to impress Tom.

Lisa is very relaxed. What do you want to bet there's some burning rice somewhere in the kitchen?

Richard is making liquid nitrogen ice cream. Doesn't that sound delicious? Stephanie is inspecting her pound cake with a magnifying glass. She's hoping that it's so boring the judges won't even notice it.

OK, I understood why they were at the governor's mansion last time because the first lady of Puerto Rico was actually at the garden party. But why are they still at the governor's mansion this week? Did NBC buy Puerto Rico?

Anyway, at the dinner in the governor's mansion are the three sous chefs (Eric Ripert and those two other people), some other chef from Puerto Rico, Mr. Zagat (no shit!), Tom, Padma, and both Gail and Ted (I didn't know they could both be in the same room at the same time!)

Stephanie wins the first course with her soup, though the judges liked Richard's scallop, too.

Lisa wins the second course with her soup. The judges also liked Stephanie's but they were really upset by the leeks. Who can blame them? Leeks can be very annoying.

Stephanie wins the third course with her lamb. The judges were not impressed with either Richard's or Lisa's dishes.

Lisa wins the dessert course with her rice pudding (she finally proved she can make rice!), though the judges also like Richard's bacon ice cream. Personally I'm sick to death of his banana scallops. It's just a banana slice! Get over it!

OK, so it looks to me like Lisa won two courses and Stephanie won two courses. Richard is clearly out of the running but I really think it could be either Lisa or Stephanie. Oh, my God; how upset would America be if Lisa won? There would be rioting in the streets! I'm secretly hoping she wins! OK, it's not a secret any more.

Padma: "Do you have any last words before you are executed?"

Stephanie: "The problem with my dessert was that I second-guessed myself. And it just wasn't very good. But I've learned from it and I would make a good top chef."

Lisa: "Suck it!"

Richard: "I don't think that was the best meal I've ever made."

Gail: "Well, I've never! I am so shocked by what Richard just said! Ooh . . . give me a minute . . . wow, that knocked the wind right out of me. How could he say that? I can't get over it!"

Padma: "Jeez, Gail; would you pull your shit together?"

The judges deliberate all night and finally decide to avoid World War III by making Stephanie the first female top chef! Congratulations, Stephanie!

Thanks for reading, everyone! Come back for Shear Genius and Project Runway recaps!

Socks and the City: Erics visit Manhattan, go to some museums, eat at some restaurants, and discard used socks!

Yes, when I travel I usually take my old socks and underwear and then throw them out after I wear them. That way I have fewer dirty clothes to take home in my luggage. This isn't a very significant part of my trip but I had to mention it so I could use that stupid title.

[The new home of the Museum of Arts and Design, at Columbus Circle. The remodel is not quite finished but I was very interested to see it because I was so annoyed that they destroyed the original Edward Durell Stone building. Some people thought it was ugly but it was a landmark and I thought it was cool. It's not bad now but it's pretty sad when a museum, which is supposed to be a champion of art and culture, destroys a cultural landmark instead. Thank you to Other Eric for taking pictures. To see a picture of the original building, click here.]

Oh, by the way, did you hear that Tim Russert died? Apparently he's the first person to ever die. And nothing else has happened anywhere else in the world for the past two days. Seriously, I was watching CNN, CNBC, FOX, and other news channels and it was 24 hour a day Tim Russert-dead coverage:

BREAKING NEWS: TIM RUSSERT STILL DEAD!!!

But that's not all:

BREAKING NEWS: TIM RUSSERT KNEW FAMOUS PEOPLE AND THEY ARE ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!

Really?

BREAKING NEWS: YES, REALLY! WE ARE REPLAYING THIS INTERVIEW WITH BARBARA WALTERS FROM TEN HOURS AGO BUT WE ARE STILL CALLING IT BREAKING NEWS!!!

Oh, My God! Aren't there cities flooding somewhere? Can't I get some actual news? Sorry; I know his death was shocking and they should definitely report on it but they could give it a rest for a few minutes and tell us something else.

OK, so Eric and I went to New York. Eric was there on business and I went along for the free hotel room so I could check out the museums.

We stayed at the Essex House on Central Park West. Beautiful art deco building that was recently renovated and it has a great location looking over the park. The prices are outrageous so I was expecting a little more luxury. It was very nice and I know we got one of the cheap rooms, but it didn't quite live up to the advertised prices (Eric got a business rate, so I don't know what his company actually paid). We were on the 10th floor looking south and the city view wasn't too bad. The room was pretty small but there was a sofa, which was nice. The lighting system was ridiculous; it was controlled from the phone and we never figured it out. The refrigerator was packed with mini-bar items and had this tiny little space labeled "For your personal use" that was almost big enough to hold a Snickers bar. The bathroom looked fancy but it was not very functional. I have to say, though, they gave us plenty of towels except for the day they didn't give us any at all. The closet was WAY too small and the window blinds were hard to use. It was also hard to get anyone to answer the phone in guest services. Having said that, everyone was very friendly and it was a very nice hotel; certainly more luxurious than I'm used to but still not as luxurious as I was expecting.

We got in Sunday evening and it was about 95 degrees with thunder storms. Awful. We walked (stupid idea) to Mamma Mexico, where we had a nice meal and then we walked back in the rain and saw the Chris Burden sculpture at Rockefeller Center. Then we took three more showers and went to bed.

Monday we put on our Jimmy Choo's and went shopping at Century 21, where we both bought Pucci ties, and we went to Filene's Basement, where we got nothing. We walked by the World Trade Center site. Lots of tourists were in the church graveyard across the street from the site and they were taking pictures with the headstones. Really weird. We had lunch at S'MAC, which only sells macaroni and cheese. It did not sound at all appetising because it was so hot and humid out but it was actually really good! We stopped at H&M on Fifth Avenue on the way back and I bought a suit. We have H&M here in Los Angeles but we don't get the all the same items and I haven't seen the line of slim-cut suits here. They had a size 34 slim cut that fit me really well so I got it. I don't ever wear a suit but it's nice to have one that fits in case I have to go to a wedding, or something. My old Banana Republic suit doesn't fit very well, even though I've had it taken in. I should just have one made but I don't have the patience.

Monday night Eric had a business dinner so I spent the evening with the real New Yorkers: standing in line at Whole Foods. I think I saw the artist Kara Walker shopping there!

Tuesday I went to the Museum of Modern Art, which was only a few blocks from the hotel. The only problem is that it's closed on Tuesdays. Along with almost all the museums in the city. I don't know why I didn't know that. I think Monday is the closed day in most cities. So I walked through the park, even though it was so hot, and I spent the entire day walking like a zombie through the Metropolitan Museum. Most cities have one major museum that's open on the day all the others are closed and for New York it's the Met. I hadn't planned on spending the entire day there but it was actually pretty nice. The other times I've been there I've run through the museum in about an hour, just taking in a few highlights so it was really good to be forced to spend more time. Tuesday night, the weather broke; there was a terrible storm and the temperature dropped twenty degrees.

Wednesday was much more pleasant and I went back to MoMA when it was actually open. I had never been there and I was really impressed. I've been to MoMA Queens but the Midtown location was closed for renovation when I've been there in the past. The new building isn't actually that exciting but the collection is great and I was very excited to see the Olafur Eliasson show. He is an installation artist who works a lot with environments, light, and mirrors and there were some very cool works. I found out that the other half of the show, out at P.S.1 Contemporary Art Center in Queens, had some more installations and not just photographs, as I had thought. So I decided I would have to go out there the next day. I had a nice three course lunch at MoMA. I'm so sorry I just missed the pre-fab housing exhibition they were setting up in the courtyard that will open this month. Wah! I love pre-fab housing!

Anyway, after MoMA, I went next door to see the "Dargerism" show at the American Folk Art Museum. I had seen a Henry Darger exhibition there in the past so I wasn't sure I needed to see another one but I'm so glad I went. It was mostly works by contemporary artists who are inspired by Darger's work and it was really good!

Wednesday night we had dinner at Beacon and I had the wood roasted oysters just for the hell of it and I actually liked them.

Thursday I headed out to Queens to P.S.1 Contemporary Art Center. I was annoyed that I was getting such a late start to the day but when I got out there it wasn't open yet and I had to wait 15 minutes so now I'm glad I got such a late start. So, it really is an old public school building and they've left much of it intact so it's a very strange venue. They had videos set up down in the old furnace rooms in the basement, which was really creepy. There were a few interesting works by Eliasson, like the backward waterfall that has water going up and there were also more disorienting light rooms. But the major work, a thirty or forty foot circular mirror that hangs from the ceiling and rotates and pivots, was closed for repairs. That was disappointing.

After P.S.1, I got back on the subway and went to SoHo. I was hoping to meet up with Tom and Lorenzo of Project Rungay while I was in New York but they weren't able to get into the city this week. So the only Project Runway-related activity I did while I was there was to visit EMC2, Emmett McCarthy's boutique (Emmett was on season two, in case anyone doesn't know who he is). I didn't get to meet Emmett but his shop is very cute and the dresses are adorable!

None of the maps had the new location for the New Museum of Contemporary Art. Yes, the new New Museum of Contemporary Art. The new building opened a couple of months ago but the old location closed years ago so I don't know why it's still on maps. Anyway, I had the address so I was able to find the building, on Bowery, only a few blocks from the old location. The building is really cool; it looks like it's covered in mesh and like someone just randomly stacked different sized boxes on top of each other. Loved it! The exhibitions were OK.

Thursday night we went to Il Mulino, an amazing restaurant in the Village. It's a tacky-looking little space with amazing service and food! Apparently they have a location in Las Vegas but we can't figure out how they would transfer that hole-in-the-wall feeling to Las Vegas. Maybe lots of cramped little rooms? Then we went to Bar 89 for dessert. They have unisex bathrooms with transparent doors that turn opaque when you lock them. Which is OK for a guy, who stands with his back facing the door, but a girl we were with refused to sit down facing a glass door and I don't blame her; I don't think I could have done it. Fun!

Friday we got up early and walked through the park to the Met, just like I did on Tuesday but this time I wasn't by myself and the weather was lovely. I had spent the day there on Tuesday but there were a couple of things I hadn't seen because Eric wanted to see them. We had a limited amount of time because we had to go to the airport but we saw the Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy show, which was tiny but had some really beautiful pieces; it was a mix of actual superhero costumes from movies and some amazing haute couture outfits from the past few decades that were inspired by the superhero look. Then we went up to the roof with the amazing views of the park and an exhibition of Jeff Koons sculptures. We also went to the temple of Dendur and had lunch in the cafeteria, which was pretty good.


When I was at the museums all week I was amused by the tourists taking pictures of all the most famous paintings they've seen in books even though they already have the pictures in the book where they saw them and they could get better images on postcards in the gift shop. It just didn't make sense to me. Then, of course, when I was there with Eric, he was taking pictures of everything! But seriously, it wasn't the same thing because he was taking weird arty pictures of obscure objects or pictures with him doing the Egyptian and not really taking pictures just of the works of art.

Then we got our luggage and headed to the airport. We had a car service but the driver was completely insane and I actually think a taxi would have been more pleasant. I had four hours at the airport because Eric had an earlier flight but I got a massage and had a drink and the time went by pretty quickly. Unfortunately, my flight was then delayed an hour and then we sat another hour on the plane before we took off so I was at the airport a really long time. When I finally got in to Los Angeles, it was the middle of the night and Eric was asleep so I took a taxi home because I was too tired to deal with a van. I didn't know it would cost almost $100 with tip! That's outrageous! That's almost as much as I spent on airfare! I'll never do that again.

Anyway, I didn't do as much as I had wanted but it was so hot the first couple of days I just didn't feel like doing much. I saw five museums, had some great meals, and did a little shopping. The only thing missing was a show (I went to stand in line for half-price tickets to A Chorus Line but ended up not getting them). All in all, a pretty good trip!

Eric has more pictures and stories on his blog! Thanks for reading and I'll have my Top Chef finale post up tomorrow.

Top Chef: Chicago, Finale, Part One: What Happens in Puerto Rico!

This is the story about how Andrew and Lisa accidentally get married because they are really drunk and then they win the lottery so they can't get divorced so judge Stephanie forces them to create a meal together and they end up falling in love.

Last week Lisa skated by again and Spike was sent home.

We meet up with the four final chefs several months later at an airport in Puerto Rico. Stephanie has been traveling around Cambodia, Antonia has opened a restaurant, Richard has been attending Lamaze classes, and Lisa has gotten her hair cut.

For the quickfire challenge, Padma confuses me . . .

Padma: "To be fair, that isn't difficult to do."

Ha ha. Anyway. She confuses me by telling us this round will determine the final three. What exaclty is a "round"? I would call the quickfire the first round. So does that mean someone will be eliminated after the quickfire?

Padma: "Stop thinking so hard. Can't you just enjoy being in Puerto Rico?"

I'm not in Puerto Rico. I'm in Burbank.

Padma: "Oh, jeez; sorry."

The guest judge this time is Willow Rosenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Richard: "Willow is one of the most respected witches in Puerto Rico. Plus, she likes chicks, which is pretty hot."

For the quickfire, they have to make little fried snacks called frituras and they have to use plantains.

Willow didn't like Richard's and Antonia's use of raw plantain (yuck) but he liked Stephanie's and Lisa's use of tostones, which must be a popular form of frituras, though it wasn't mentioned in the introduction to the challenge.

Stephanie wins! She will get a pretty good advantage in the elimination challenge.

The chefs go to a party and enjoy Puerto Rican culture. Looks fun!

Richard: "I'm having fun! I know you can't tell by looking at me, but I am!"

For the elimination challenge, the chefs will be cooking for a garden party at the beautiful governor's mansion. Each chef is given a whole pig to work with. The pigs will go shopping for them while they work in the kitchen.

But then the last four eliminated chefs show up (they just happened to be vacationing in Puerto Rico) and it was decided it would be better to use them as sous chefs and use the pigs for the food:

Stephanie: "Sorry, Wilbur."

Stephanie's advantage will be to pair up the chefs:

Stephanie: "My plan is to pair up people who actually work well together because it will be better for me if everyone is the kitchen is getting along."

God, she only cares about what's better for her! Selfish bitch.

Anyway, the teams are Stephanie and Dale, Richard and Spike, Antonia and Nikki, and Lisa and Andrew.

At the local market Nikki just buys a bunch of stuff that smells good to her, even though she doesn't know what it is.

Andrew is trying to speak Spanish:

Andrew: "DO . . . YOU . . . HAVO . . . PLASTICO BAGOS?"

Meanwhile, back at the kitchen, the chefs are having a hard time hacking their pig carcases apart:

Lisa: "My rabbi is going to kill me."

Dale has a special recipe for pork belly that involves leaving it sitting out overnight:

Dale: "The secret ingredient is botulism!"

So, Richard makes barbecued pork shoulder, pork belly with pickled watermelon, ham and beans, and ribs with Malta glaze.

Antonia makes pork belly with sweet peppers, pork sausage with pigeon peas and rice, and curried pork.

Lisa makes yuca and pork rellena, citrus braised pork belly, and adobo roasted pork tostone.

Stephanie makes chicharrones, fruit and prosciutto salad, coconut pork with plantain pancake, and pork satay on sugarcane.

The party goes pretty well. There are some problems with Lisa's execution and Antonia's pigeon peas are undercooked.

Richard and Stephanie are the top two. Richard wins a Toyota Corolla:

Richard: "Great. How the hell am I supposed to get that back on the plane? I'm pretty sure there's more than three ounces of fluid in that thing."

The Bravo poll is in: 117% of viewers think Lisa should go home.

The judges weren't crazy about Lisa's food but they really didn't like Antonia's concept of serving all her dishes mushed together on one plate and they were annoyed that she didn't realize the pigeon peas weren't cooked.

Antonia is out. Sorry, Antonia!

Lisa: "Excuse me, but I think a congratulations would be in order."

Sorry, Lisa. Congratulations for once again not being the absolute worst this week!

Top Chef: Chicago, episode twelve: Raising the Steaks: or Date My Restaurant!

[Note: I'm writing this as I watch the plume of smoke rising from the Universal Studios video vault and the smell of burning plastic is making me a little dizzy so forgive me if my recap isn't as factual and lucid as you've come to expect. Oh, you've never expected that? Good.]

Last week Dale was sent knife-packing and we start this episode with the women talking about how many women are left:

Stephanie: "I've been running the numbers and I've figured out that there's a possibility three women could be in the final four!"

Yes. It's also possible, but unlikely, that there could be three women in the final three. It would be virtually impossible for there to be three women in the final two, however. Just wanted to point that out.

Antonia: "Let's just figure out who the winner is and be done with it. The remaining Top Chef superdelegates are going to have to get off the fence and make a decision. I'm talking to you, Gail."

For the quickfire, the chefs have to butcher their own meat. They are starting with a rack of beef ribs and cutting them down to individual ribeye chops with Frenched bones. Or something like that. I don't think I've seen that done with beef.

Anyway, Spike does really well because both his grandfathers were butchers and he apparently inherited the skill from them in his DNA.

The guest judge is the beloved and benevolent Chicago chef Rick Tramonto.

This episode also brings my first mention this season of Padma's attire. Those trousers are hideous. And she's been doing so well.

So, the chefs have to make a medium-rare steak for Rick, who will judge the butchering, temperature, and "doneness" (although "doneness" is in Webster's, I don't believe it is a real word so I put it in quotes). I don't think he cares how it tastes.

Richard tells us he usually cooks steak for several hours at sixty degrees:

Other Eric: "Did he just say sixty degrees?"

Yes. I think that's the famous Richard Blais sense of humor at work.

Spike wins the quickfire and wins the same stupid "advantage" (I actually believe "advantage" is a real word but I have it in quotes for a different reason) he won in the police academy episode: he gets first choice of ingredients. This actually gives him fewer options than the other chefs because he has to make a decision right away and stick with it.

Back at the house, Richard is holding up a big Glad tall kitchen bag like someone holding up a handmade banner at an American Idol taping (I Heart Jason Castro and The Glad Family of Products!). At this point, the blatant product placements have ceased to annoy me and just make me laugh.

The chefs are taking over one of Rick Tramonto's steakhouses. Spike gets first pick of ingredients in the walk-in so, naturally, he screws up and takes the frozen scallops.

Tonight, Tom will be expediting the meal service! I don't know what that means but it sounds very exciting!

Antonia: "Oh, it's more exciting than you can imagine!"

It kind of sounds like he's going to be a waiter.

Lisa makes a chilled shrimp appetizer. The flavors are good but the judges don't understand why it's chilled.

Richard makes an appetizer of hamachi and sweetbreads and the judges love it.

Spike's appetizer of frozen scallops is not popular.

Stephanie makes an appetizer of crispy sweetbreads and the judges love it.

Antonia makes a poached egg and spinach salad that the judges didn't like much.

Richard's entree with fillet and other stuff tastes OK but the judges wonder why the dish's elements are spread out all over the plate. Eating it is so much work! These poor judges!

Lisa's entree is a strip steak with peanut butter mashed potatoes and it gets mixed reviews. The judges liked the sides but didn't like the steak.

Spike's entree is the tomahawk chop and sweet potato puree and the judges are not impressed. They like the steak but not the sides.

Stephanie's entree is tenderloin with wild mushrooms and apple sauce. the judges love it.

Antonia's entree is a ribeye with fennel and potato gratin. The judges love this one, too.

Tom did an excellent job. I think he has a future as a waiter.

Padma asks to see all the chefs at judges' table. Oh, my God! They all won! Or maybe they all lost!

The judges tell Spike his frozen scallops were crap:

Rick Tramonto: "As a chef, you can't use such terrible ingredients."

Spike: "With all due respect, you suck. Those crappy ingredients were in your walk-in."

Tom: "Oh, no she di'int!"

Stephanie made two good dishes, Richard made the best appetizer, and Antonia made the best entree.

Stephanie wins! Congratulations, Stephanie! She wins a signed book! (And a kitchen)

Spike and Lisa are the bottom two. What a surprise!

Tom: "If you had been listening to our comments, it shouldn't have been a surprise."

I was being sarcastic.

Tom: "Oh."

Spike is out. Sorry, Spike.

That means Lisa is in the final four:

Lisa: "I am as excited as hell!"

Other Eric: "I was sure she was going to say 'shit.'"

Lisa: "I'm going to shock the shit out of the judges!"

Other Eric: "OK, there it is."

Next time we join the final four in Puerto Rico. Lisa will have a new lesbian hairstyle while Richard will keep his old lesbian hairstyle.

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Eleven: The Global War on Restaurants!

We start this episode with Tim Gunn showing up at the apartments early in the morning:

Tim Gun: "Wake up, designers! We're going on a field trip!"

Nick Verrios: "If it isn't a fabulous penthouse apartment then you can just drop dead."

Just ignore Nick. Tim takes the designers to another Chicago institution. Because if anyone needs to be institutionalized it's the contestants on this show.

The designers have five minutes to make a garment out of fried eggs.

Tim Gun: "You know what I always say: you can't make a garment without breaking a few eggs."

Tom Colicchio: "Cut it out! It's too early in the morning for this crap!"

Well, obviously it's too early for Padma. Sorry, Tom. I'll stop joking around. The chefs have to work the egg station at Denny's.

Lady who owns the Denny's: "It's not Denny's!"

Whatever. Dale and Antonia did a good job and Antonia wins it! She will actually get a real advantage in the elimination challenge. Seriously; it will really be an advantage!

We learn that Tom will not be around for the elimination challenge because he just has better things to do.

Tom: "It's a charity event!"

Yeah, that's what I always say when I'm trying to get out of something, too.

Tom: "Well, you're an asshole. I actually have to go to a charity event."

Fine! So, the chefs have to advertise some phone with a GPS device for absolutely no reason:

Kiefer Sutherland: "Padma's been kidnapped by terrorists and the chefs only have one hour to find her. Minus commercial breaks. Oh, and there's probably some sort of dirty bomb involved."

OK. The chefs find Padma tied up in a warehouse:

Padma: "The only way you can stop the terrorists is by creating a really good restaurant. You must stay the course. You are either with the restaurant or you are against it. Otherwise the terrorists will have already won."

That's right: the Global War on Restaurants is back! So, the chefs have fifteen dollars for food and five million dollars for scented candles from Pier One.

Padma: "Antonia, as winner of the quickfire, you get to choose your teammates."

Oh, my god! That's a real advantage!

Padma: "You sound surprised."

I am! So far, the "advantages" have always sucked but this one is really good!"

Antonia picks Richard and Stephanie to be on her team. Dale thinks that was a good decision:

Dale: "If I were her I wouldn't have picked me either."

Antonia, Richard, and Stephanie are doing fine dining in a relaxed atmosphere. That's a pretty lame-ass theme but I'm sure they'll pull it off.

Team Loser (Lisa, Dale, and Spike) will be totally making kick-ass Asian. A slightly more specific and yet still equally pathetic theme.

So the chefs have 24 hours to create restaurants and also capture al-Qaeda operatives and possibly stop Tom from killing the president at a charity event.

Kiefer Sutherland: "You've never actually seen 24, have you?"

No.

Somehow Team Loser is unable to find any Asian ingredients at Whole Foods. Does Whole Foods really not sell Calrose or a similar variety of rice? I find that hard to believe. But maybe that's why Andrew didn't have rice in his sushi last week. Anyway, they end up buying rice pudding instead! Seriously! They're doomed.

The teams end up with five hours to set up and decorate the restaurants and make all the food. That seems like less time than previous restaurant wars.

Bourdain is in the house!

Bourdain: "Antonia's team is not setting very high expectations so if Dale's team can pull off their menu it will be quite an accomplishment. They won't, of course."

The teams get an extra set of hands. Dale picks Jen and Antonia picks Nikki because she needs someone to roll out pasta.

Team Loser is messing up all their dishes. Dale screws up his guacamole and, for the second week in a row, someone sabotages Lisa's rice.

Lisa: "Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard for me to make a goddamn pot of rice?!"

Lisa starts freaking out because she thinks Dale is freaking out:

Lisa: "I'm not going to be all 'Let's go play baseball!' Know what I mean?"

No. I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Team Antonia's restaurant looks pleasant enough. Everyone loves all their food.

Team Loser's restaurant is pretty tacky looking. Of course, it is decorated from Pier One. The judges hate all the food except for the dumplings and the halo halo.

Spike: "I think I was the best member of our team."

What a shock.

There are no surprises at judges' table. Antonia's team wins. Stephanie wins a trip! Congratulations, Stephanie!

Team Loser loses, of course. Bourdain either loved or hated the decor. I honestly couldn't tell:

Bourdain: "The decor was a major problem because it made me expect that the restaurant would be a place where I wouldn't hope to be delighted by being served a greasy dumpling."

Um . . . what?

Lisa and Dale argue about who grabbed the rice pudding boxes off the store shelf, as if anyone cares. They also argue about everything else.

Spike, of course, took the easy way out by staying out of the kitchen but the judges couldn't actually find anything wrong with his performance so he's safe. Lisa and Dale both made horrible dishes but since Dale chose to be executive chef he gets the blame.

Dale is out. You know what Dale will miss the most? The people. Because he's a people person.

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Ten: insert tossed salad joke here!

Last week Nikki was asked to pack her knives and go.

We start this week's episode as usual, with the groggy chefs wandering around the house. Stephanie makes the requisite comment about it being too bad that Nikki had to go but, honestly, she doesn't sound that broken up about it. We learn that Dale goes commando under that white chef's coat. Seriously, not even a t-shirt under there? Gross.

Nine out of Ten Top Chef contestants agree: Dale is a little bitch.

Andrew is either going to stab somebody or he's going to make some amazing food. I am so excited to find out which one it will be!

For the quickfire challenge, Padma introduces the guest judge:

Padma: "I'm sure you all remember That Guy."

That Guy: "I'm not That Guy!"

Yeah, you are.

Antonia: "That Guy is really hot!"

That Guy: "I don't want to be That Guy!"

Too bad. Saying you aren't That Guy doesn't change the fact that you're totally That Guy."

Anyway, That Guy tells us how we need to bring the sexy back to salad.

Justine Timberlake: "Fo shizzle!"

Padma: "Salads have fallen on hard times. I'm sure you've noticed that Caesar with alcohol on its breath at 9:00 in the morning or that Waldorf standing in front of Denny's begging for spare change. Well, you have 45 minutes to change all that."

Chefs: "We have 45 minutes to make a salad? Are you serious? Are you sure you don't mean 45 seconds?"

Padma: "No, really; you have 45 minutes. Have fun with it!"

Chefs: "Why are you being so nice to us? We're scared!"

After the chefs get over their shock, they get to work:

Spike: "I'm going to make a salad so good that the entire world will give me a blow job."

Richard: "The word 'salad' is so interesting, I'm going to write a very witty poem about it."

Lisa: "There are people who don't deserve to be here because their personality sucks."

Wow, Lisa's being a little hard on herself. She's not that bad.

Lisa: "I'm not talking about myself, shit-for-brains! My personality is fine!"

Of course it is. My mistake.

That Guy hates the salads made by Richard, Stephanie, and Lisa:

Lisa: "Can you believe that asshole?"

That Guy loves the salads made by Spike, Dale, and Antonia:

Antonia: "Oh, My God! Did you see the way he ate my salad? He's so cute! Do you think he likes me? Does my hair look OK?"

Spike wins! Congratulations on not winning immunity, Spike! Instead of immunity, he wins the opportunity to pick ingredients that nobody else can use:

Spike: "OK, I'm using protein, carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables, and dairy so you can't use those things. Oh, and I'm using salt so don't even think about using salt."

Actually, he has to be more specific than that so he picks chicken, bread, lettuce, and tomatoes. Those seem like perfectly normal things to pick but he's still defensive:

Spike: "I didn't use those ingredients just to mess with everyone else. It's always been my dream to make something using bread."

The chefs have to make a healthy boxed lunch for police officers because, obviously, they usually just eat donuts.

Lisa is making shrimp. Andrew reminds her that shrimp is really high in cholesterol so Lisa is a little worried even though shrimp isn't unhealthy. Shrimp is higher in cholesterol than chicken but lower than many other foods and may actually help lower cholesterol levels. Ted Allen apologized last season for perpetuating the myth about lobster, which is only high in cholesterol when it is soaking in butter. Anyway, shrimp is perfectly healthy if cooked the right way so I hope the judges don't give her a hard time about it.

Tiffani Faison sneaks into the kitchen and sabotages Lisa's rice by turning the burner up to high.

Tiffani: "Bwahahahahaha!"

The chefs pack up their lunches and take them to the police academy:

Steve Guttenberg: "The new police recruits. Call them slobs. Call them jerks. Call them gross. - Just don't call them when you're in trouble."

The police beat the crap out of Steve Guttenberg. Finally!

Richard: "The question of the day is: do you like donuts?"

Stephanie and Dale are the top two. Dale's bison was good and Stephanie's soup was substantial. Dale wins a bottle of wine and the chance to see where his bottle of wine was raised. Congratulations, Dale!

Spike, Lisa, and Andrew are the bottom three. Spike made an OK chicken salad but Tom didn't like the taste of olives with grapes and all the judges didn't like that the lettuce and tomato were just sitting there in the box (as opposed to singing and dancing like a Burger King commercial). Lisa's rice was undercooked. Andrew made a miniature sushi roll but without rice or anything else that would be good.

Andrew argues with the judges about whether the meal had to be satisfying in addition to being healthy:

Andrew: "Did it say that in the rules?"

Padma: "Yes, actually, it did."

Spike learns that Tom's opinion matters.

Lisa's sparkling personality is showing again:

Lisa: "Look, Padma, you brought me here so why don't you just tell me why I'm here instead of making me guess. Stop wasting my time."

Padma: "Before we begin deliberations, are there any other accusations anyone would like to make?"

Lisa: "Well, I don't want to be That Guy, but someone didn't use a grain."

Sam: "Oh, my God! You're totally That Guy!"

That's right, Lisa takes the title of That Guy from Sam.

Well, we know that Andrew didn't make amazing food so that only means one thing:

Andrew stabs Lisa.

Top Chef: Chicago, Episode Nine: War Bride: or Downing the Ante!

Last week Mark was sent home and the other boys are taking it badly. Spike and Andrew are comforting each other by rolling around in bed. Well, everyone grieves in their own way, right?

Andrew: "Now that Mark is gone, it's going to be a little less entertaining, shall we say?"

I don't know; shall we say that?

Andrew: "We shall."

The women are talking about being women:

Women: "We're here, we're women, get used to it!"

Tom is the guest judge for the quickfire. But before we learn what the challenge is, Padma makes an announcement:

Padma: "This week we are upping the ante; no more immunity!"

Maybe I'm missing something because I don't play poker, but how exactly is that "upping the ante"?

Padma: "Because now there is no immunity!"

Yeah, but how is that raising the stakes? By taking away immunity you are actually lowering the stakes in the quickfire. There's less to win, right?

Padma: "Fine. We're 'downing' the ante. Can we just get on with this? This week we are bringing back two Top Chef favorites: the relay race and restaurant wars. Except that we won't be doing restaurant wars so we are actually only bringing back one Top Chef favorite and I don't know why I said we were bringing back two but it could be because I'm off my medication."

So the chefs split into two teams and they have to prep oranges, artichokes, monkfish, and mayonnaise.

Dale is completely freaking out that the people on his team are not used to whisking mayo by hand because they usually use an electric mixer. Meanwhile, I don't see him offering to do it.

Antonia is up against Lisa with the oranges. Lisa wins that segment. (No pun intented. Really.)

Spike is up against Andrew with the artichokes. Andrew makes up the time so both teams are even.

Dale and Richard tie on the monkfish.

Stephanie is up against Nikki making mayonnaise. Stephanie is faster and her team wins.

Dale has a total meltdown.

I just feel so bad for those poor, hideous monkfish. They gave their lives for a challenge on a cable television show. How humiliating.

Padma: "Well, it is the number one cooking show on cable."

I guess there's some comfort in that.

So, the winning team of Antonia, Andrew, Stephanie, and Richard will get absolutely no advantage in the elimination challenge, for which they will be cooking for a wedding reception.

Padma: "They get to choose whether they cook for the bride or the groom."

Like I said, they will get no advantage. Anyway, we are introduced to Corey and JP. They are getting married:

Andrew: "Oh, my God, why?"

All the chefs seem equally stunned to learn that these two people are getting married. I don't understand; they seem like they will make a lovely couple.

Padma: "The chefs are probably surprised that they have to cater the entire wedding banquet in one day."

Oh, that's probably it.

Padma: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that Corey and JP run their own restaurant and wedding venue so there is no way I expect you to believe that they would be willing to ruin their real wedding banquet by having you prepare it. This entire challenge is completely fake. I mean, the gay couple in the first season was totally believable; but not this."

The winning team goes with the bride. Spike and I were both shocked by that decision. Why would you want to risk getting stuck with a bridezilla?

So, the chefs will be cooking all night. Andrew has a culinary boner:

Andrew: "Working through the night is the perfect challenge for me! I haven't slept since 1994!"

The groom's team of Nikki, Dale, Lisa, and Spike will be making Italian food so Nikki is in charge:

Nikki: "No, I'm not!"

Spike and Lisa are actually being really good team players and are ready to let Nikki tell them what to do. Dale is being a pain, of course:

Dale: "Personally, I hate it when I'm at a party and I have to pick up an hors d'oeuvre with my hand and put it in my mouth and then use a napkin to wipe my hand. Who has that kind of time? I want hors d'oeuvres that can be served intravenously."

Seriously, I can understand why Nikki would not want to deal with telling Dale what to do. But she was obviously in charge so she really needed to take responsibility for things. By taking the lead and then not wanting to make any decisions, she really hurt the team.

Stephanie makes the bride's cake and Lisa makes the groom's cake:

Lisa: "I didn't want the groom's cake to look as nice as the bride's cake."

Tom: "Well, congratulations. It doesn't."

Stephanie's cake is very pretty. I'm impressed. I don't care how it tastes.

Spike: "I have to give it up for the two ladies who made cakes."

Lisa: "Who are you calling a lady?"

The two cakes remind me of the wedding on Frontier House on PBS. Did you see that? apparently, making separate bride's and groom's cakes is a tradition and the families trying to live like nineteenth-century pioneers made two cakes. And they looked a lot like the cakes we have here: the bride's cake was a lovely tiered cake and the groom's was an ugly brown brick. I really enjoyed that show. Sorry for going out on a tangent, there.

OK, so the wedding looks real. It's very convincing.

The groom's team makes bad bruschetta. Everyone blames Dale. The judges don't like Andrew's chicken. But, in general, the judges like most of the bride's food and are not impressed with much of the groom's food.

Judges' Table:

Guest judge: "Catering a wedding is hard, even for someone who is good at it, like me. I can't imagine how hard it was for people who are not as talented and amazing as I am."

The bride's team wins. They love Richard's brisket, Antonia's pizza, and were very impressed with Stephanie's wedding cake. Richard wins but he gives the win to Stephanie, which was pretty nice of him because he didn't know what the prize was going to be:

Padma: "OK, then, Stephanie, you have won a Toyota Highlander!"

Richard: "Son of a bitch!"

Just kidding. The prize is actually a $2,000 gift certificate to Crate and Barrel, which Stephanie then offers to share with Richard, who quickly accepts.

The groom's team lost:

Dale and Spike argue about who did the most work.

Tom: "Who was in charge here?"

Nikki: "Well, it definitely wasn't me, if that's what you're thinking. I had nothing to do with any of this. In fact, I'm not even here right now."

Nikki is out. See? I told you! I predicted weeks ago that, unless she ended up winning the entire thing, she would be sent home at some point. Wow, my psychic abilities are almost frightening!

Top Chef: Chicago, episode eight: I believe the children need a suture!

So, last week Jen finally went to a better place; she's with Zoi now in Top Chef heaven and we can all get on with our lives.

The guest judge for the quickfire challenge is Art Smith, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for feeding Oprah.

The chefs have ninety seconds to microwave a bag of rice.

OK, actually they have fifteen minutes to make a dish using Uncle Ben's microwavable rice:

Padma: "In a restaurant we all have to work together and if someone is too slow blah blah blah so you should make microwave rice and you'll save so much time and blah blah blah Uncle Ben's is a miracle of modern science blah blah blah."

This challenge is really embarrassing but we get some interesting results. Stephanie's rice pancake is "very clever" (but not good); Spike just stuffs the rice into peppers, which really took no effort or creativity but apparently the sauce he used was delicious (I still don't think it's an entree); Andrew's rice-crusted fish is, again, "clever" and it looks really good but, unfortunately, the crust is too crunchy.

Dale and Richard are in the top three but Antonia wins immunity with her "rice and salad":

Antonia: "I was almost committed to an insane asylum for that combination but it's really good!"

Other Eric wants to go on record as saying he knew it would be good. Congratulations, Eric! Oh, I mean Antonia!

For the elimination challenge they are creating dishes for Common Threads, an organization with a mission to "educate children on the importance of nutrition and physical well-being, and to foster an appreciation of cultural diversity through cooking." I had to look that up because I did not get that from Padma's explanation. Padma made it sound like it was an organization to get families to eat dinner together, which seems to be only part of their mission. Maybe Padma is thinking of mealstogether.com.

And I don't see what's so hard about getting the family together for dinner. Just turn the television on and have everyone sit down to watch American Idol. See how easy that was?

So, the chefs have to make a healthy and nutritious dinner for a family of four that is simple to prepare and they have a budget of $10. Well, my first suggestion is to not waste money on stupid microwavable rice. My second suggestion is a can of tuna, a box of Tuna Helper, and you're done. What? That's what I ate growing up and look how I turned out.

Andrew says shopping with $10 is impossible. That's the spirit, Andrew. Dale get sausage because everyone seems to be doing chicken. Stephanie is just randomly throwing things into her basket. Mark is making a vegetarian curry because that's what he makes for his lady when he's strapped for cash. Never mind that the challenge isn't about cooking for your lady when you're strapped for cash; it's about cooking for a family on a regular basis.

The chefs have to pull leaves off their vegetables to cut a few cents off their purchases.

Back at home, Mark is playing his didgeridoo. Even he can't seem to remember that he isn't Australian. I give up.

The kids from Common Threads come in to help the chefs. Antonia is crying:

Antonia: "I just hate children so much!"

Spike's helper cuts himself.

Tom comes in and says he's going to be in the kitchen the entire time even though they are already half done when he gets there. Well, I still appreciate that he's going to be looking at the involvement of the children, which is part of the challenge.

One thing I don't understand is that they seem to be preparing more than four dishes. I thought they had to make dinner for four. But the chefs seem to be plating for eight. That's a lot of food for $10. I think they were given extra food.

Bravo: "What's the hardest part of this challenge? a) a fifteen minute time limit, b) a $10 budget, or c) comparing two things that were not part of the same challenge.

Richard and Abigail made roasted chicken with black beans and an apple, avocado and beet salad. The judges like it. It looks like something that is healthy and nutritious but wouldn't scare children too much.

Lisa and her sous chef Andrew made roasted chicken with edamame and black beans and a dessert of peanut butter and apple on white bread. Because nothing says healthy eating quite like white bread. The judges don't like the chicken dish but they think the dessert tastes good.

Dale and Emmanuel made turkey bratwurst with potatoes, onions, red cabbage and apples. Bravo shows us a shot of a girl saying it's good but I agree with the judges that it is not something most children would eat.

Spike and Alex made pasta alla puttanesca (children love the pasta of Italian whores), carrot soup and not-really-baked apples. The judges love the pasta and, as Tom points out, he really got a lot for his money. Now, I love carrot soup and it's pretty simple to prepare but it seems strange to pair it with that pasta dish and I'm sure kids would just ignore it if it were sitting there next to a plate of spaghetti. I'm also worried some parents would want more protein in their children's dinner.

Nikki and Amaris made roasted chicken and vegetables with a tomato and cucumber salad. The judges love it. It's a very simple dish to prepare so it was a good choice for this challenge. The only thing I question is the tomato and cucumber salad. Kids probably won't eat it and it doesn't really add much nutrition to the meal so it seems unnecessary. She could have gotten some fruit for dessert, instead. But not apples. There are already way too many apples in this episode.

Mark and Jesucita made a vegetable curry with cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. The judges think it is way too sweet and doesn't have enough protein. He should have at least added tofu if he was going to do a vegetarian curry. But it really wasn't a family-friendly dish at all.

Antonia and Jeffry made chicken and vegetable stir-fry with whole wheat noodles. The judges love it.

Andrew and Miguel made chicken paillard with a fennel, apple and orange salad. It looks delicious. I would want some type of starch to go with this dish, though. The judges love it.

Stephanie and Arlynn made couscous with a peanut butter tomato sauce that makes the judges puke.

The chefs all had a good time with the children. It was very sweet. It made Richard want to go home and have sex:

Richard: "Well, that just sounds wrong. What I actually said was I want to go home and make babies."

Isn't that how you make babies? I admit I don't actually know much about the process.

Padma calls in Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia. She's very serious, as usual. Padma, everyone knows they are the top three. It's the exact same thing every week. You can cut the act.

Congratulations to Nikki for being in the top three! I've been predicting her elimination for the past four weeks so good for her for finally bringing it this time. Oh, and I predict she'll be eliminated next week.

But Antonia wins the challenge this week! Congratulations Antonia!

Antonia: "If I hadn't won that challenge, I would have vomited in my mouth."

Hey, didn't she win anything?

Antonia: "Yeah, what's up with that?"

Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark are the bottom three.

Padma asks Mark why he thinks he's there:

Mark: "The only reason I can think of is that the obvious sexual tension between Tom and me makes him uncomfortable."

Tom: "That's ridiculous! I don't know what he's talking about!"

The judges tell Lisa her dish is bland:

Lisa: "God! They act like they've never had bad food before!"

Stephanie is the only one who accepts the criticism:

Stephanie: "I agree that my dish could have been a little less shitty."

Stephanie probably should have been out because her dish was inedible. But I guess the judges' reasoning (other than the fact that they wanted to keep Stephanie) was that Mark's dish not only didn't taste very good but was also a really bad choice for this challenge. Mark is out.

Tom: "Just for the record, Mark, I agree with Spike that your curly hair and accent are absolutely adorable and I'd love to take a bubble bath with you. Did I just say that out loud?"