Saturday, October 28, 2006

Top Chef recap: Where the hell are my lichees?!

Seriously, who knew lichees could be so exciting? Apparently they have the ability to ruin careers. If I could just figure out a way to harness their power to bring down the Bush administration!

For the quickfire they have to make sushi. Mia is bent over by the fence. Did she find some evidence? No, she's gonna puke. I think it's morning sickness. OK, who got Mia pregnant? We're not starting this challenge until someone fesses up!

For the elimination challenge they are split up into a Korean team and a Vietnamese team. Each team has $500 to feed 1,000 people. OK, I'm not that good at math but I think that's 50 cents per person. I'm pretty sure that can't be done. So, they are obviously not making 4,000 servings of food. I'd love to know how much food they really are making and how they decide that. (They mention 250 spring rolls but how did they come up with that number?)

Team Vietnam immediately makes Josie the leader, creates a menu, calculates costs, and makes a shopping list.

Team Korea immediately creates Sangria and gets trashed.

A little later and team Vietnam is planning everything out while team Korea is now doing Jello shots and dancing the limbo. OK, turn down that damn music and listen up! I'm only going to ask this one more time: who got Mia pregnant?

Next day we are at the grocery store and it's like the allegory of good and bad government frescoes by Lorenzetti at the Palazzo Publico in Florence (too much?); team Vietnam walks in, grabs what it needs, pays for everything, and gets back to the kitchen. Team Korea, on the other hand, stumbles into the store, starts fighting, can't find anything, and leaves without paying.

As they get into the van Otto says something to Marisa:

Otto: "Ha, ha, I did it; I got out without paying for the lichees! Suckers!"

Marisa: "What? I didn't quite catch that."

Otto: "I said I just stole a case of lichees."

Marisa: "I'm not sure I understand. I'll let that sink in and then bring it up again once we get to the studio."

Otto: "Sounds like a plan."

At the event Michael is sawing away at the spring rolls, making a huge mess:

Michael: "Man, I have no idea what I'm doing here."

Josie: "Don't worry; I'll do it."

Michael: "Stop talking to me like I'm a child!"

Josie: "Calm down; I just said I would cut the spring rolls if you're having a problem."

Michael: "Don't act like you're the only one who's talented enough to cut spring rolls! I'm not your bitch, bitch!"

He should probably shut up. I'm pretty sure Josie could kick his ass.

Betty is flirting with 1,000 people. That's hard work! Love her!

At the judges table:

Team Vietnam wins! Betty is chosen the individual winner because of her aloe drink and because she's such a huge tramp. Congratulations, Betty! She wins a knife. I'm not a chef so I don't understand what a great prize this is. Apparently this is a really cool knife. Possibly even better than a Ginsu knife. Betty loves it so that's nice.

Team Korea is a mess. Otto, who originally admitted to Tom that he said they got the lichees for free when they were leaving the store, now tells the judges he didn't say that. I have never seen such a look before as the look on Marisa's face. I will have nightmares about that look.

The judges tell Marisa that the panacotta was so hard they chipped their teeth. Marisa says she made it perfectly and it must have been some unpredictable weather patterns or alien force that made it inedible. The judges ask Elia if she would serve that at her restaurant:

Elia: "Um, well, I'm not really into gelatin so I'm not really qualified to have an opinion on that."

Marisa: "You said it was good, you bitch!"

Elia: "I take it back. I am qualified to say that desert was shit."

Frank doesn't seem to understand that the team already lost and sticking together is not going to keep one of them from being kicked off the show. But come on, he can't even make rice.

Frank: "No one betrays the family."

Team Korea: "We get it Frank, you're in the Mafia. Can you give it a rest?"

Otto realizes he's getting the ax so he heroically quits.

And what about the lichees? They're just sitting innocently on a shelf like nothing happened. Bastards.


Anonymous said...

I so hated that Otto quit over those damned lichees, even though he tried to pull a fast one. (I know, I know--ethics!)

But how hard could it have been to stand up to Marisa, she of the hard gelatin dessert?

If he'd kept his mouth shut, it would have been a dead heat as to who would have been ousted: him or her.

Talk about a dumb move.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry Eric. I stepped over the boundary a few days ago. You do not deserve anonymous posters like me. I did a Mychael slip-up. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Anonymous said...

I love "I am not your bitch, bitch". So, Top Chef.
I don't get the bad editing barf scene either.
Yeah, I would wet my pants if I won the hand-made sushi knife from Japan. Way cooler than Global knives.

eric3000 said...

Anonymous, I'm just glad people enjoy reading my blog. Thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

This post was a riot and made me laugh outloud. Great commentary and spot on! As a Korean American, I thought the Korean dish was very un-Korean, but it still looked good. I think that panacotti so-called pastry chef should've been axed. I loved the comment Chef Tsai made about them being as hard as a hockey puck. And damn those lychees (also, v. unkorean fruit, btw).

I was bummed about PR ending (esp. w/ Jeffrey winning and all), and like you, I was lukewarm about this show. But I think it's going to be pretty good! So keep on keeping on!


eric3000 said...

Thanks Sylvia! I'm into the show now that I feel I know the chefs a little better. I don't think they are as interesting as last season's but I think it's a good group.

That's so funny that Lychees aren't even a traditional Korean fruit and it caused such a problem for that team. I didn't even think of that. It would have made more sense for team Vietnam to have used them.

eric3000 said...

p.s. I had to go out and buy some lychees over the weekend because I hadn't had them in so long. I could only get canned but they were still pretty good over coconut pudding.

Anonymous said...

I started to watch Top Chef because of YOU.
Asian cuisine 101. Lychee is pronounced "lie-chee". Pho' is a beefy vietnamese noddly soup. Not dry! Pronounced "Far".
I dare you to try canned rambutans (very lychee-like). Red, round hairy fruits when they are fresh. And fresh jackfruit is nothing like canned ones. Be adventurous!

Wish you make successful ads on front headliners! (nov3)

BFF Anon.

Charlus said...

Nice recap, Eric. We especially liked the Florentine art reference. At the risk of sounding coarse, it takes balls to show brains. Keep up the good work.

Chef Biatch said...

Lol, great recap. Snark at its finest.

Chef Biatch

Anonymous said...

Yum, lychee and coconut pudding . . . sounds good. I'll have to try that.

Looking forward to next week's episode. It appears there will be much bitch-slapping!


eric3000 said...

Rambutans, huh? OK, I'll try to find those. I think I've seen them fresh before, but not canned.

Anonymous said...

I gave you a sneaky shoutout at the kitchen place. While grabbing rambutans (no pun intended) please check out your favorite-like grapefruit. Pomelos. They also come in a variety. Not as tangy or juicy but are bigger.

bungle said...

Thanks e3k. Glad someone from the Greater PRG family is bloggin TC and providing a place to hang out and have rap sessions.

All I can say is Otto ought to forget all about trading on any celeb status he might think he earned from the show. Dude just didn't show much from beginning to early and disastrous end.

I know as little about high falutin' cuisine as I do about fashion, so more edu-tainment in the way of TC isn't a bad thing.

The Gals said...

We are officially trading in our Dyson "Animal" for the eric three thousand.

By the way, we believe that Marcel is working on a secret recipe that will capsize the Bush administration - we can't say much, but it involves avocados and product...lots and lots of product.

Carry on, three thousand!

Anonymous said...

Look Eric, You got a shoutout at Andy's Blog. You are going major league.

Angel wrote:

I love the Dish. Always fresh and HAWT. Just like my Starbucks and Krispy Kreme. No, I am not into carbdiet.
Would you consider adding Eric3000 to your Blogworld. He is the funnest recapper IMHO without using images!

eric3000 said...

Cool! But I have to point out that I just write a little weekly recap, which does not compare to the real blogs that are dedicated to Top Chef and Project Runway.

Anonymous said...

Your modesty becomes you, E3T. Your blog is funny as hell, and just as good but in a different way as Top Chef 2: They Cook, We Dish. So I'm linking your site to mine.

Anonymous said...

"Thanks for the link Ms. Place! I'll add one for you. I love your Jane Austen site; I almost died when I saw the action figure!"

Yeah, that action figure is a hot seller. Those Janites are fierce women. U made my nite, BTW, with that awesome comment.

And I can't wait for your next Top Chef recap.

bungle said...

eric3000 said...

"Cool! But I have to point out that I just write a little weekly recap, which does not compare to the real blogs that are dedicated to Top Chef and Project Runway"

If we wanted your opinion on such matters, we'd beat it outta ya, capice?


Seriously, I'm not fanatical about TC. Ur blog is just right, holmes. No pressure on you to cover it as intensely as the others... not all of us who watch are up to reading a boatload of different sources of insider news and or snark anyway, like we do about PR... but of course with your efforts it's all good, and laughs will surely ensue.

Another episode tonite!
And the people rejoice!
PR season 1 also on tonite. W0000T!

eric3000 said...

Wow, that was almost as good as being threatened by Frankie the Bull, himself!

OK, no more opinions about myself. Just the show.

Look for my next recap sometime on Friday (I probably can't manage Thursday).

Steven said...

That line made me think of Nick and his, "Where the hell is my chiffon?!" line.