Saturday, January 07, 2012

Project Runway All Stars, Premiere: Are they all stars?

uh, no

Isaac Mizrahi: "I suggested they call it Project Runway Some Stars, but no one ever listens to me."

Probably for the best. In fairness, though, all but one of these designers either made it to the final or came within one elimination of making it to the final. And all but one of these designers made a final collection or decoy collection. OK, I'll just say it: I don't know what Elisa is doing there. Was Ari Fish not available?

Ari Fish: "I am so totally available!"

Oh, sorry, I wasn't actually offering you a job. One more question: Where is my beloved Daniel Franco?

Daniel Franco: "They must have misplaced my number."

I'm sure that's it.

But we do have some genuine stars: we have Austin and Mondo and, um, Kara and ... uh ... well, we have Austin and Mondo and Kara. That's enough. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I love most of these designers, I'm just not sure they would all top my list of Project Runway stars.

Other Eric is thrilled that the show is only one hour. I, on the other hand, think they edited out a little too much. For instance, we didn't even get to see Kara's or Sweet P's garments walk the first runway. Was that just an editing mistake?

Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to spend a lot of time trying to memorize the contestants' names. I already know them! Unfortunately, I don't know who the host is and I'm really too lazy to try to remember her name, so I'm just going to pretend that Isaac is the host, head judge, mentor, and producer. It's just easier that way. You know what? I'm going to make Isaac play the part of all the models, as well.

Isaac: "I love that idea!"

OK, so the designers are:

Mondo: The designer most cheated out of a win.
Michael: The designer with the most frightening family life
Mila: The queen of color-blocking
Anthony: The queen of tacky prom dresses
Jerell: The designer I completely forgot about but apparently really liked
Elisa: The designer who makes the first elimination easier
Austin: The grande dame of Project Runway
Kenly: The one everyone hated, though I don't remember why
Rami: The queen of draping
Gordana: The one everyone loved, though I don't remember why
April: The really young designer (practically a fetus)
Kara: Pure fabulousness
Sweet P: Why the hell not?

The designers will be playing for a boutique in Neiman Marcus, a guest editor position at Marie Claire, some sewing machines, and a wad of cash.

Isaac: "Those prizes are worth, like, a billion dollars."

Isaac is not really good at math, but I think he's pretty close on this one. That prize package is amazing.

First we see a fashion show of recent looks that the designers brought with them to the competition. Most of them aren't bad. Kenley's is probably the worst, but that's partly because Isaac, her model, is just not full-figured enough to fill out the hips on that gown:

Isaac: "Yeah, I've been working out. Also, I'm wearing Spanx."

The designers watch a video of Valentino, cry, and then go to a 99 cent store. They have to use unconventional materials to create a look inspired by their first looks that they brought with them.

They head back to the design room and meet their mentor, Joanna Coles, who reminds me of someone:

Joanna Coles: "I'm tough, I'm talented, and I'm taking over."

Yep, that's it.

Joanna Coles: "I'm here to whip you losers into shape. And I couldn't be more excited about being forced to work with one of you for a year at Marie Claire. I can hardly wait for that to happen."

On to the drama in the design room. April and Michael are creating almost the same dress out of mop heads! This is going to get ugly! Let's check in on them:

April and Michael: "Whatever."

OK, so that wasn't quite as exciting as we thought. If only we had a true star to add some drama to the proceedings:

Austin: "YOU CURSED GLUE GUN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! MY DRESS IS MELTING! MELTING!!! OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Austin: "You're welcome."

It's time to start the runway, and Isaac comes out wearing an adorable little dress that Wendy Pepper made for him out of Fruit Loops:

Isaac: "One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

Austin made a green plastic dress that he was able to repair after accidentally melting a hole in it. It could have been cute if he hadn't stuck so much crap onto the waist. The inspiration from his first dress is clear.

Kara made a braided pink top and a black table-cloth skirt. It's basically the same as the outfit she made for the Garden Party challenge in season 2. It's fine, but it's not very creative, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with her inspiration look, and, again, the model, Isaac, just doesn't have the hips to pull off this look.

Jerell made a beautiful dress out of cheap scarves. It's just fabric, so it's definitely not a very creative use of materials, but it is really well done.

Elisa made some sort of beach wear. She painted a shower curtain. It's art, people.

Rami made an amazing plaid suit out of laundry bags. We can just end the season now and declare him the winner.

Sweet P made a tiered terry cloth dress. If I saw this dress on the street I would not guess that the materials came from a 99 cent store. I would guess that the dress, itself, came from a 99 cent store.

Mondo made a very nice trash bag dress. Probably the second best trash bag look in Project Runway history. (If you can correctly name the best trash bag look in Project Runway history, you will win a position as guest editor at Marie Claire for a year. Marie Claire won't actually know that you are the guest editor, but you will know, and that's all that matters.)

Kenley made a cocktail dress out of a bath mat. I guess her inspiration was the awfulness of her first dress.

Gordana made what I assume is meant to be some sort of clothing item. It's really as good as anything she's ever made, in my opinion. And I find it almost as bewildering as her first look, so I guess it meets the inspiration part of the challenge.

Anthony made a very nice little purple dress that is exactly like every other dress he's ever made, except that this one is made out of paper.

Mila made a cute striped dress out of gift bags. I kind of love it.

Michael made a shapeless dress out of mop heads.

April made a dress out of mop heads that looked just like Michael's, except that it was good.

The judges like Rami's, Mondo's, and Jerell's. Rami wins! Congratulations, Rami!

The judges hate Sweet P's, Gordana's, and Elisa's. Elisa is out.

Isaac: "Elisa, I love the sacred geometry of this look. I think the chi is perfect and it gives off a really positive aura."

Elisa: "I don't know what you're talking about, Isaac. They're just clothes."

Yeah, sorry, Elisa. Look, you are clearly an amazing person. I'm sure your customers really appreciate the positive energy flowing from your garments and that your blessings are worth every penny. BUT NONE OF THAT SHOWS UP ON TELEVISION! This show is just not the right fit for you.

And that's the premier! Oh, wait, we have a guest comment from Michael Kors:

Michael Kors: "Elisa's garment looks like what a hooker would wear to a reincarnation."

20 comments:

Conner said...

Amazing. Glad to have you back, especially since it'll be possible to get inspired by an episode for the first time in god knows how long.

eric3000 said...

Thanks, Conner!

Ellen said...

Welcome back. I truly missed your insights on "the Runway."

Loved your comment on the Fruit Loops dress - I thought exactly the same thing. I do think that it might be better if Isaac was really the hostess - much funnier and his spastic hand gestures are funny.

Cliff O'Neill said...

I was disappointed that Isaac didn't do the wrist-flick while declaring a look to be "fresh."

In other news, I still wish to vivisect Anthony.

Andrea said...

Did they all mutually agree to use boring, safe materials? Scarves, trash bags, bath mats, sheets of plastic, a whole shower curtain! Nina and Michael would have chewed them out for that. I can't believe I already miss Nina and Michael. I didn't think that would ever happen, let alone this soon.

Tina said...

Yeah, reducing the show back to an hour was a good thing. (But is this why Lifetime decided to push back the premiere by a few months, to re-edit the show?) The problem is that this takes real editing/cutting skills and the show was apparently edited by a butcher (or, maybe Anya). The result was far less gripping than it should have been. It all went by in a blur, and everyone looked old(er)! Anyway, glad you will be blogging the show. Looking forward to your posts!

lovemesomerami said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lovemesomerami said...

The best trashbag garment in PR history was Andy's. It was cramazing, in fact.

I agree Rami should be the winner, but if we go ahead and declare him the winner now, i wont' get to watch him for several more weeks, and that just won't do. So drape on, my Rami!

On a side note, Rami said his wrestling name would be Ramilicious, so he was licious far before that insipid child used the word too much in Season 4. Just saying.

I love that Mondo, Princess Scarlett, and Kara are back as well. Don't care about the others. Miss Scarlett needs to lose the porn stache though. Ew. Oh, and Sweet P should have gone home.

donna said...

Didn't Joel do a pretty cool trash bag garment? I can't remember the season or his last name. I just remember he said something really mean about the Irish model's teeth. Okay, now it's going to drive me crazy...

eric3000 said...

Lovemesomerami - Andy made an amazing dress from black ribbon, but I don't think he made a trash bag garment. You confused me there for a minute!

Donna - you are thinking of the right person, but you got the name wrong. This designer did make a very rude comment about one of the models that season.

Andrea - I agree there was too much fabric on that runway. But the skill level was higher than usual.

Ellen, Cliff, Tina - Thanks! I think this will be a good season!

suzq said...

Brilliant, Eric!

I too am picking up a Tabitha vibe. Although I disagree with you on the Michael vs. April mop contest (I liked Michael's better) I, like you, can't get enough Isaac.

Although I like Angela, our new model/host overlord and when I miss the German accent, I still have Gordana. For a while.

eric3000 said...

Suzq - Even Michael thought April's was better. Ha ha! I found it a little endearing that he praised it so highly. Well, fortunately, they were both in the middle of the pack.

famousamy said...

"One day you're in and the next you're out. That has never been more true than it is on All Stars. It has also never been less true. In fact, it is always exactly the same amount of true. Something is either true or not. It can't be more true than something else that is true. I don't know why we are arguing about this! Let's look at clothes!"

OMG I'm so glad you're in my RSS reader. Your posts crack me up and this one made my Monday. Thanks for the great recap!

lovemesomerami said...

Oh, that's right. It was Jay who had the trashbag outfit! I could see the outfit, but the wrong designer popped into my head.

eric3000 said...

Ha ha! You got it! You are now the guest editor for Marie Claire for the next year! Just don't tell them.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back Eric! Look forward to future posts...Elana

MoHub said...

So glad to have you on board, as always, Eric! But the word you want is première. not premier. THe first is an initial appearance; the second is a political leader.

eric3000 said...

Thanks!

TLo said...

"Sweet P: Why the hell not?"

LOL XO

donna said...

That's right it was Jay not Joel (who the hell is Joel anyway?). Whew! Thanks for saving me from about twenty seconds of googling. ;) So glad that you're recapping All Stars.