Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode One: I won't call it the premiere because apparently I always spell it wrong!

OK, so picking up from last week's post, with people competing in the Saddest Music in the World contest, I have my own entry. I've been having vision problems in my left eye and no doctors could figure out what was wrong, so it was recommended that I try hard contacts, but those were too painful, so I switched to soft contacts and I was giving them a try, but I'm so used to wearing glasses that I had to go out and buy a pair of fake glasses to wear when I have the contacts in and then, oh yeah, with the contacts I also suddenly need reading glasses so I had to go get reading glasses, except now it turns out my eyes are so dry the contacts have fused to my eyeballs and my vision isn't any better anyway, so, after months of medical appointments I finally found a solution: I'm just going to wear my regular old goddam glasses! If I really need to see something I'll just close my left eye. It could be worse.

Ivy: "I had to volunteer at a soup kitchen because I couldn't afford food."

See? That puts things in perspective. Thank you, Ivy. But I do wonder if she understands the point of a soup kitchen. If she thinks she has to volunteer there to get food, what does she think the clients are doing there?

OK, so here we are again. All of our favorite designers are back. Uh, some of our favorite designers are back? Well, Uli and Andrae are back. And Wendy is absolutely a Project Runway star. And Kayne did have his own show, so that kind of makes him a star. And Anthony Ryan only has one testicle. So there's that.

First, we meet the new host, Carolyn Murphy, who is about as exciting as last season's host. Why can't they get Alexa Chung from 24 Hour Catwalk? She's freaking adorable. Next we meet our wonderful mentor and the only reason to watch this show, Joanna Coles.

Now, to say that Joanna explained the challenge to the designers would be a gross understatement. She explained the crap out of that challenge. That challenge couldn't be any more explained. When Joanna explains a challenge it stays explained. I have never felt as completely satisfied with a challenge explanation. Normally we get the dollar amount and the time-frame but we're left with questions like, "Is that the dollar amount for the whole team?" or "Are they creating the looks together or are they being judged individually?" or "Can they glue the candy onto muslin?" or "Does this mole look funny to you?" But not this time. Joanna Coles will explain it all.

Joanna: "Listen up, designers. I'm only going to repeat this three times, so pay attention. You will be split into two teams and I will start by picking two of you, who are NOT the team leaders, but will simply be the ones starting the selection process. You will each be creating one look, but the looks have to form cohesive collections. There will be a winning team and a losing team. The winning look will come from the winning team and the losing look will come from the losing team. Now, let me explain how the votes will be counted. The founding fathers of Project Runway developed an electoral system based on the concept of separation of powers. What this means is that the mentor is not a part of the judging panel, unlike the system in England. Theoretically, this should prevent the development of a two-party system. Well, as Tyra Banks famously said, Good luck with that."

See, this is where I think you might be over-explaining.

Joanna: "I haven't even gotten to the electoral college yet."

Oh, god, we don't have time for that, Joanna.

Joanna: "OK, if I can just bring your attention to section four, paragraph two, which clarifies the selection of team names. Just randomly pick a word off this board. It really doesn't matter what the word is."

Team Confident is: Kayne, Uli, Casanova, Ivy, Althea, Anthony Ryan, and Wendy

Team Bald is: Joshua, Peach, Laura Kathleen, Emilio, Andrae, and Pleather

Peach: "Boy am I glad I'm not on Team Confident. Because that would be totally ironic."

The designers get to work ...

Peach: "Because I am not confident at all."

Yes, we get it. Anyway, now it's time for the runway, with judges Carolyn Murphy, Isaac Mizrahi, Georgina Chapman, and guest judges Rachel Roy and Mondo:

First up is Team Bald, who decided that cohesive meant each look had to use the same two fabrics. I've never been less upset about the fact that I'm going blind.

Laura Kathleen's look is actually not bad, considering who designed it, but Team Bald is the losing team. Andrae's hilarious garment, Pleather's eye-gaugingly horrible dress, and Peach's tennis-to-suicide look are the bottom three:

Peach: "Well, I ..."

Isaac: "No, stop talking. The more you talk, the uglier it gets."

Peach: "I did the best I could in the situation I was in."

Isaac: "You mean the situation of having to make a decent garment?"

Peach: "Yes. And the best I could do in that situation was to not make a decent garment. Would it help to name-drop my fourth-grade sewing teacher?"

Obviously the question on everyone's mind is, What happened to Andrae? Well, Carolyn Murphy has a question:

Carolyn: "Am I missing something?"

Yes. A personality. But that's not important right now. The important thing is that Andrae is safe and Peach is going home. They had better keep Andrae as long as possible. Because his description of his garment to the judges was the only entertaining part of the show.

Team Confident is the winning team. They go with cream and black, which is no more creative than the other team's blue and black, but each look didn't use the exact same fabric combination so it didn't look as matchy-matchy. Other than Kayne's fabulous train-wreck, most of the collection was nice, if uninspiring. Ivy and Anthony Ryan created the best looks and Anthony Ryan wins:

Anthony Ryan: "Don't misunderestimate me."

We won't. It kind of sucks that he doesn't win anything at all. Usually when there is no immunity there is some other prize, no?

Before I go, I would like to formally apologize to Lindsay Lohan for ever doubting her. She IS Elizabeth Taylor.

Linday Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor