Saturday, October 13, 2012

Project Runway Season Ten Finale, Part One: Host Hunters!

Heidi Klum, a reality television host and recent divorcee, is looking for a new home. But will her budget match her lofty expectations?

Heidi: "Moving back in with my mom has been really hard. It's time to get a place of my own."

Helping her in her search is real estate mentor Tim Gunn. He knows he has his work cut out for him.

Tim: "So, Heidi, tell me what you're looking for in a home."

Heidi: "Well, I have twelve children, so I'd really like a place that's out in the country so they have plenty of space to run around. But I also need to be right in the middle of the city so that I can walk to shops and restaurants."

Tim: "right."

Heidi: "Also, with sixteen children, I need at least two bathrooms. That's a deal breaker for me."

Tim: "of course."

Heidi: "The kitchen is really important. I never cook but I do occasionally look at it, so it needs to be amazing. And I have twenty three children, so I need a walk-in closet."

Tim: "You have a lot on your wish list. What's your budget?"

Heidi: "Thirty million dollars."

Tim: "Well, I'm going to be blunt: you may need to compromise on either space or location. But I have a few places in mind and I'm confident we can find you something you're going to love."

Heidi: "Great, I'm excited to get started!"

House One:

The first house they visit is in Massapequa, New York. It's a four-bedroom split-level with a one-car garage. It's on the market for $430,000.

Tim: "This one is not in the middle of the city, but it is a little under your thirty million dollar budget, which will leave you enough money to buy a private jet."

Heidi: "Why would you choose to show me this?"

Tim: "I would have loved to have shown you something else, but I ran out of time. Shall we head inside and take a look? You'll notice it has wall to wall floors."

Heidi: "I love that it has windows in the living room! And you can look through them into the yard!"

Tim: "Isn't that nice? Now, if you'll come through here, this room is the kitchen. You can tell because it's the room with the stove and refrigerator in it."

Heidi: "I've never seen so many desserts in all my life!"

Tim: "Yes, the current owners are Italian."

Heidi: "I see."

Tim: "So, what did you think of this first place?"

Heidi: "Well, there were definitely some nice details, but the overall look was really boring and it was pretty skimpy."

House Two:

Working mom Heidi is ready for a change and is looking for a new home. The first house she saw was under budget but the location wasn't ideal and it lacked some of the drama she was craving. So her real estate mentor, Tim, is trying something different with a unique house in New York City:

Joining Heidi on the search today are the members of the Duck Dynasty:

Willie is the CEO and resident prankster
Phil is the patriarch of the family and a living legend in Louisiana
Jase is Willie's brother and his polar opposite
Si is Phil's brother, best friend, and partner in crime
Fabio is still trying to fit in, but he sure loves making handcrafted duck calls
House two is a one-room duck blind that comes in right on budget at thirty million dollars.

Tim: "It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but it's really priced to sell."

Heidi: "It's definitely unique. I haven't seen anything else like it. I just wish it were more luxurious."

Tim: "I think you might have to adjust your expectations."

Heidi: "Well, it's something to think about. I'll keep it on the list."

House Three:

Mentor Tim has shown Heidi two houses so far. House one was under budget but was too far away. House two was right in the city but needed some work. Today Tim is taking Heidi to Jersey City to try to find the best of both worlds.

House three is inspired by organic architecture. It's a bit over budget at one hundred million dollars.

Tim: "I know it's over budget, but that's what you have to spend to live in Jersey City. Besides, it comes with its own shopping mall. And it has those granite countertops you won't shut up about!"

Heidi: "It does tick a lot of boxes. I love the cut-outs and it's obviously very well constructed. I just worry about the styling. Is there maybe too much going on with this design?"

Tim: "Something to think about."

Heidi: "Yep, something to think about."

So, which of these three houses will she choose? Will it be house number one, with ...

Tim: "WAIT! There's one more!"

I'm sorry, that's not possible. There are always three.

Tim: "No, they are all so good we couldn't narrow it down to three. There's a fourth."

Very well, we have a fourth. So, Heidi is a single mom anxious to find a new home for her growing family ...

Tim: "Stop telling us that and just get on with it!"

But I can't introduce the next house without telling you all the ridiculous problems with the previous houses!

Tim: "Well, make it quick."

OK, so house one was under budget, but a microscopic crack on one wall indicated severe structural problems and obviously we were all hoping for a stainless steel refrigerator. House two had a perfect location but the lack of windows and a roof could be an issue. House three had all the space Heidi needs, but it's just plain tacky. For house four Tim is thinking outside the box and taking Heidi to San Francisco to see an under budget charmer that could meet all her needs.

Melissa's sister and dentist
Heidi: "There's no doubt who designed this! I just wish it had a little more impact."

So, will she pick the skimpy bargain, the quirky fixer-upper, the tacky townhouse, or the Gothic charmer?

Heidi: "Ooh, this is going to be such a tough decision!"

Why don't you start by eliminating one?

Heidi: "OK, let's see ... I can't do it! I'll take them all!"

Well, as we know, she's already picked the house and gone through escrow, but whatever. We'll play along.
"What a load of crap"


pernoctator said...

Wow. That was genius.

I'm really invested in Heidi and her thirty-seven children, now! Which house will they choose?

MoHub said...

So you also watch House Hunters! May I say that you absolutely nailed it!

eric3000 said...

Thanks! Yeah, I'm a huge House Hunters fan! I try to restrict myself to HH International, though, otherwise I'd be watching it all day long!

Daniel said...

One of your best recaps, thanks!

libby said...

OMG, I LOVE HH International! Not only do you find out just how rich you'd have to be to live in other countries, you also find out which countries allow non-citizens to buy land 'n' such.....It really fleshes out my fantasy life.

Btw, eric3000, I have always loved your recaps.

eric3000 said...

Thanks, Daniel and Libby!
Libby, I love seeing what kitchens and bathrooms look like in other countries.

MoHub said...

Generally not a fan of International, but I do agree that I like to see what are considered adequate bathrooms and kitchens in other parts of the world and just how spoiled we are here.

libby said...

I get REALLY sick of all the ugly Americans who 'want to buy a traditional Moroccan house' or some such, then complain about how 'fer-in' the terlets are. Or move to London and want a garage. Or have a coronary that there's no walk-in closets (in most countries anywhere). etc.

I love the Scandinavian kitchens, though.

lovemesomesonjia said...

Just getting to read this now. Thanks for the laugh! Love me some HH International! Much better than this snoozer of a PR episode.