Saturday, October 20, 2012

Project Runway Season Ten Finale: My life is an episode of My Life is a Lifetime Movie on Lifetime!

I know you've seen Lifetime movies with stories about women in bad situations, sex scandals, and shocking revelations. And you can't get enough of them, but you wouldn't want to live one.

My name is Eric3000 and my life is as boring and poorly-acted as a Lifetime movie.

The date was October 18th, 2012. I remember the day like it was yesterday, even though it was actually the day before yesterday. My husband told me he was going on a business trip to New York for a week. That's the last time I ever saw him.

Obviously, my first thought was that he was a Cuban spy. But the truth turned out to be even more shocking. It turns out he has another family in New York! All these years, when I thought he was using business trips as an excuse to see Broadway shows and go shopping at UNIQLO, he was actually visiting his brother and sister-in-law and their children. I feel like such a fool. How could I have ignored all the warning signs?

Anyway, after two days, I'm finally starting to put my life back together again. I'm just hoping my inspiring true story can help others.

The role of Eric3000 will be played by James Franco, due to a complete lack of physical resemblance.
So, speaking of things that were apparently written and produced by illiterate teenagers, lets get on with the Project Runway finale.

We start the episode with Christofur complaining about the fact that the judges don't love him any more:

Christofur: "I don't understand why I even have to compete in the finale. Why don't they just make me the winner? It's complete madness!"

His x-ray fabric was nice, if not as amazing as he thought, and he knows how to make some great leather shorts, but the gown was awful and he missed the opportunity to go further with his use of manipulated and shredded fabric, which was his signature. The competition really was his to lose. And he did.

Styling by Modigliani


Nick Verrios: "His different take on that raw edge stuff, I thought that was very chic."

Wrong!

Melissa's collection was fine. The jacket was much better with the cuffs cut off, but I don't understand the point of a leather bathing suit and the hobble skirt was not cool. The red dress was great, but I think I mostly loved the amazing pattern piece she used to make it.

Melissa: "What red dress? Do you mean the blood-orange dress?"

Oh, there must be something wrong with the color on my television. It looked red to me."

Christofur: "It was just red. She has to call it blood-orange to sound more Goth."

Fabio's collection was by far the most interesting. I almost wish I could have seen it. Unfortunately, the lighting was so bad it completely washed everything out and all I saw was a blur of blinding white clothing walking down the runway. From what I can tell, he successfully managed to make his collection not look cheap. I have to credit the show with managing to fool me into thinking Fabio had a chance at an upset win. Of course, that made it that much more disappointing when he didn't. Yes, I really am that gullible.

It's not that I disliked Dmitry's collection. It's that I hated it. The only part of his show that worked for me was the models' eyebrows. I found them kind of mesmerizing, but not enough to prevent me from seeing the clothes.

Althea Harper: "I'm glad I'm not a judge."

So are we.

On to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, voted four years in a row by the London Times as the world capital of sorrow.

The guest judge is the beautiful Baroness Helen Port-Huntley, the owner of the largest beer company in Winnipeg and host of the annual Saddest Music in the World contest.

Sing to me! Make me cry!
Christofur: "My work is a study in deconstruction and reconstruction."

Lady Port-Huntley: "Not sad enough!"

Melissa: "I'm exploring death to life. It's appropriate for spring."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I like the death part. The life part not so much. Next!"

Fabio: "Now it's my time to invest in what I want to do. There are clothing tags that need my name on them."

Lady Port-Huntley: "I've heard sadder stories from Mitt Romney's dressage horse."

Dmitry: "Winning this contest will give me wings to fly."

Lady Port-Huntley: "OK, that's probably the saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say. You win."

Congratulations to Dmitry. He wins Lady Port-Huntley's glass prosthetic legs filled with beer.

"If you're sad, and like beer, I'm your lady."

6 comments:

lovemesomesonjia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lovemesomesonjia said...

Yes, twas definitely a bore and I wanted to punch Christofur. But I'm not overly sad that my crush won it, uneventful though it may be. At least someone who actually knows how to sew and design won it this year. That's a step up, right?

As for All Stars, it's definitely going to be a crazy fest, but we can't turn away, can we? Does anyone think the nut jobs have a chance against the German machine that is Uli?

eric3000 said...

Yes, Dmitry definitely knows how to make clothes. I'm sure he'll do just fine, even without my endorsement. Ha ha!

Conner said...

Oh god, you saw that lifetime camp, too? Great review as always. It's sad that since Dmitry's collection won, disliking it implies that one has worse taste than Stephenie Meyer.

eric3000 said...

Conner, I watched the first episode of MLIALM purely for research. I will not be watching episode two. I've never even seen a Lifetime movie, though I feel like I've absorbed them through osmosis.

Conner said...

I'm pretty sure Lifetime movies are a social experiment, as Tyra Banks would say. Aliens writing and producing films, hoping that afterward people will nod their heads as if to say, "Yes, that is how life is."

Unfortunately, it hasn't been working out and they've had to resort to outright showing people how Lifetime movies are totally based off of real life and you should just surrender. I wouldn't have noticed, but their new slogan of "Your life. Your time. Lifetime." wasn't exactly a master stroke of subtlety.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Tyra Banks isn't human, but still deserves your love and understanding.