Saturday, August 03, 2013

Project Runway Season Twelve, Episode Three: Legend...Dairy!

Is it just me, or did the product placement seem even more forced than usual this week?

The Lord of Darkness wants you to buy Yoplait frozen yogurt
Yeah, I don’t get the connection.

Heidi: “Let me explain. Once long ago, before there was such a thing as time, the world was shrouded in darkness. Then came the splendor of light, bringing life and love into the Universe, and the Lord of Darkness retreated deep into the shadows of the earth, plotting his return to banishing light forever. But precious light is protected, harbored in the souls of Unicorns, the most mystical of all creatures. Unicorns are safe from the Lord of Darkness, they can only be found by the purest of mortals...Such a mortal is Timothy, who lives in solitude with the animals of the forest. A beautiful girl named Miranda loves Timothy with all her heart. In their innocence, they believe only goodness exists in the world. Together they will learn there can be no good without evil...No love without hate...No heaven without hell...No light without darkness...No creaminess without frozenness...No sweetness without tartness. The harmony of the Universe depends upon an eternal balance. Out of the struggle to maintain this balance comes the birth of Legends. And Yoplait frozen yogurt. In original and new Greek style.”

Oh, OK.

So Heidi wakes the designers and takes them deep into the forest and pairs them up. Timothy, a child of nature, is trying to teach Miranda how to speak to the animals:

This outfit was made entirely from recycled materials
Timothy explains the importance of unicorns:

Timothy: “Nothing is more magical. As long as they roam the earth, nothing can harm the pure of heart.”
Can you see them Miranda? Can you see the unicorns?
Miranda: “Do you speak their language, Timothy?”

Timothy: “Oh, Miranda, they express only love and laughter. Dark thoughts are unknown to them.”

But Miranda in her stubbornness wants to touch a unicorn:

Don't do it!
TImothy: “No, Miranda! You mustn’t! It’s forbidden!”

Miranda: “I only wanted to touch one. Where is the harm in that?”

Timothy: “These are sacred animals. You risk your immortal soul.”

Not only that. Miranda’s actions risk throwing the entire universe into eternal darkness. The Project Runway judges have been waiting for just such an opportunity to rid the world of the last unicorn:

Nina Garcia: “Mother night, fold your dark arms around me. Protect me in your black embrace. I sit alone in impotent exile, while this presence, this force returns to torment me. Something troubles me. I feel a presence on the runway, something I have almost mercifully forgotten. Looking at these frail creatures, who could imagine they could contain such power. You must find them for me and destroy them.”

Zac Posen: “What do they look like, your majesty?” 

Nina: “The creature is crowned by a single spiral, reaching like an antenna straight to heaven. Bring the horns to me.”

Zac: “Where shall I look, my queen?”

Nina: “There is only one lure for such disgusting goodness. One bait that never fails. Innocence. INNOCENCE.”

By trying to touch them, Miranda distracted one of the unicorns just long enough for Zac to shoot it with a poisoned dart. This throws the entire design room into chaos:

The unicorn is dying and there is fluff everywhere
Tim: “I’ve never seen so much flotsam and jetsam in my entire life!”

Sue, in a shocking development, can’t use the sewing machines, which causes Sandro to be totally rude to her. Tim gives bad advice to Alexander and Justin, encouraging them to add even more crap to their already awful garment. But most dramatically, Miranda totally freaks out:

Miranda: “I left the forest for five minutes and when I come back Timothy has DRAWN A PICTURE OF A PAIR OF PANTS!!!”


Miranda: “I’m going to throw this ring into the lake. I will marry anyone who finds it. Timothy totally sucks.”
Miranda throws this ring into the lake
Tim would like to remind the designers to throw things off the Belk Accessory Wall very thoughtfully.

OK, I still don’t understand why Miranda did that, but in any case, Timothy jumped off a cliff into the lake. But then the surface of the lake froze over and he was stuck. It seemed that it was over for Timothy. Then, out of nowhere, he gets a letter from a fairy named Sophie. The letter tells him he is a champion and convinces him to go on with the competition. Sophie helps him find the armor and weapons he needs to save the unicorns. 

Sophie uses her fairy magic to write letters at exactly the right moment
Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: “This is a one day challenge. Once the sun sets the last unicorn will die and we will be thrown into eternal darkness. Brought to you by Yoplait yogurt.”

Timothy makes his way back to Miranda, who tries to apologize:

Miranda: “I’m sorry for touching the unicorn.”

Timothy: “I just wish you could trust me. I know what I’m doing. I have a plan that can save us.”

Timothy then uses an elaborate system of giant silver platters to cause the rays of the setting sun to be reflected into the dark abyss of the Brother Sewing Room, extending the work day and giving them time to free the unicorn. Unfortunately, guest judge Kelly Osbourne had already seen a YouTube video demonstrating how to do this so she is not impressed.

Timothy is out. Sorry, Timothy! You may be leaving the show, but at least you saved the unicorns.

TImothy, Miranda, and the last unicorn
Nina Garcia: “You may think you have won, but there is no good without evil. I AM A PART OF ALL OF YOU!!!”


kitty said...

Your recaps are always genius!

lovemesomejeremyandkahindo said...

Bwahahaha! What other movie could you use but Legend? Brilliant! Goodbye sweet unicorn boy.

eric3000 said...

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only person who remembers that movie!

Nan said...

I particularly like this week's post!

eric3000 said...


pernoctator said...

That was just GORGEOUS!

Flat out beats the more predictable Last Unicorn.
Sophie-ex-machina and the Golden Shield West truly work perfectly here!