Project Runway Season Twelve, Episode Seven: à la Mode!

We start the episode with a visit to the Mode accessory closet:

Oh, my God, Amanda! Could you just die?

Tim presents a quiz to determine the order that the designers will get to choose accessories for this week’s challenge:

Tim: “First, what is the most important fashion accessory of all?”

Pat Robertson: “Ooh, I know this one! It’s those special rings the homosexuals wear in San Francisco to spread AIDS!”

Ken: “That dude really knows his fashion history.”

Tim: “No. The correct answer is the shoe.”

Pat Robertson: “Are you sure? How do you spread AIDS with a shoe?”

Tim: “What are you doing here?”

Pat Robertson: “I’m studying up on homosexual culture. I like to stay hip and current.”

Tim: “Well, please let the designers answer the questions. Thank you.”

Here are some sample questions:

• Who invented clothes? [Answer: Zeus. He was tired of the paparazzi making all those naked sculptures of Venus]

You are not leaving Mount Olympus dressed like that, young lady!

• What country is home to the world’s ugliest hat? [Answer: Sweden]

• Is black a color? [Answer: No]

• What sold recently at Sotheby’s? [Answer: Could you be more specific?]

• Can you really cover the entire sole of a pair of shoes with one partially-used bottle of fingernail polish? [Answer: This story sounds suspiciously like a load of bullshit]

• Does anyone remember Morris Day and the Time? [Answer: Yes]

• Why would any woman want to wear one of those slutty Pnina Tornai wedding dresses? [Answer: There is no correct answer to this question]

• The New Look. It wasn’t really new or a look. Discuss. [Answer: It was really more “postponed” than it was “new” and it was more of a silhouette than a look]

• Is Marc Jacobs a real person? [Answer: He is real as long as innocence exists in the hearts of children]

• Jessica Simpson: alive or dead? [Answer: Who?]

• True or false: while trying to find a way to feed his army, Napoleon Bonaparte accidentally invented the bustle. [Answer: I have no idea but it sounds delicious]

Ken is very proud of himself for knowing the answer to a question that is completely irrelevant to fashion history. I studied fashion design and we didn’t learn anything about Christian Louboutin when I was in school. 

Ken: “Oh, yeah? Well, when exactly were you in school?”

You know, I think we’ve spend enough time on this. Let’s move on.

The main problem with this challenge is that most of the shoes were not so great. So the designers were inspired by not-so-great shoes. So I guess they were successful. At making not-so-great clothes. If you see what I’m saying.

Bradon: “Please stop talking. I’m on the phone with my fiance and it’s very emotional.”

Bradon is having a very emotional conversation with his fiance.

Bradon: “I just said that!”

Let’s listen in, shall we? I can’t figure out what they are talking about. Bradon is crying. It has something to do with his dog renting a cabin in Big Bear. Can that be right?”

Bradon: “What is wrong with you?!!!”

OK, we’ll get back to Bradon after he has a chance to pull himself together. Let’s check in with the other designers. The excitement this week is that both Alexander and Miranda are making plaid pants. It’s almost too much excitement to fit into one ninety-minute episode. However, I’m actually more interested to know how much longer we will go on with two designers named Alex. Seriously, which is it going to be, Alexandria or Alexander?

Actually, it's Alexis now

That's cool. On to the runway, with guest judge Wilhelmina Slater, Editor in Chief of Mode magazine.

So, what did you think of the runway, Miss Slater?

Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I was also disappointed with the runway this week. The best I can say is there were a few looks that were not completely terrible. The top three were Ken, Alexandria, and Helen. I don't really want to talk about Ken’s look. It’s just my personal taste, but I don’t think the world needs any more short, tight dresses with crap stuck on them. I know tacky dresses are totally the rage, though, so I’m not going to argue about it.

Alexandria was apparently a contender for the win. I can’t really judge the dress because I was too distracted by the ill-fitting thigh-high gladiator sandals. Ya is a gorgeous woman who would look good in almost anything. Except those sandals. They were clearly not made for a woman who is eight feet tall and weighs seventeen pounds. The knee pads didn’t even make it up to her knees. None of this is the fault of Ya, who is an excellent model; or Alexandria, who didn’t have the option of changing the shoes to something more flattering; or even the sandals, which were kind of cool and would probably look good on someone. I just don’t think this combination worked.

So that leaves Helen. I’m usually the first one to bitch about someone making a simple sheath dress, and I haven’t been a major Helen supporter, but in a sea of awful, her flawless look really stood out. The proportions on this look were complete perfection. Ankle boots with a skirt hemmed to the knee? That’s a risk. Getting this look exactly right took some skill. And, besides, ponchos are totally in right now:

Congratulations, Helen!

There were plenty of disasters to choose from this week. Poor, sweet Karen, bless her heart, misunderstood the challenge. Instead of being inspired by the shoes, she just remade the shoes in the form of a dress:

Karen's look

Fortunately for Karen, she was not in the bottom three. Jeremy picked Pretty Woman hooker boots and then created a look that made you think, “Well, that outfit looks appropriate for those boots,” and then the judges remind you why the outfit looks appropriate with those boots and then you go, “oh, yeah.”

Now back to Bradon, who really struggled with this challenge:

Bradon: “I used this draping method on the fabric because I think fancy foreign words will impress you. This week I used something called a Bolognese technique. You basically manipulate the fabric so that it looks like boiled spaghetti covered in a rich meat sauce.”

Bradon's look

Wilhelmina Slater: “If I ate lunch, now would be the time to lose it.”

Yeah, it wasn’t good. But obviously the judges are not going to get rid of Bradon or Jeremy.

So that leaves Miranda. Her look wasn’t the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen. But it was pretty bad. And as bad as it was, it was probably the best thing she’s made this season. It was time for her to go.

Suzuki St. Pierre: “Rouge alert! Rouge alert! In a shocking turn of events at the offices of Meade publishing, the weakest designer was just eliminated. I don’t know what you would call it, but in my business, we call that news, bitches! This has been Suzuki St. Pierre, reporting for Fashion Buzz!”