Saturday, August 18, 2007

Top Chef: Miami: Rehearsal Dinner!

Ted: "God, what smells in here?"

Undercover Blogger: "It must be Brian."

Padma: "I don't think Brian smells that bad."

Brian: "Thank you, Padma. I appreciate that."

Dale: "I don't smell anything. Besides, I would have thought the scented candles would cover any smell."

Ted: "Aha! But scented candles can't disguise the smell of scented candles."

Dale: "Oh."

Is he freaking kidding me? Is there really anyone who doesn't know you don't put scented candles in a restaurant? What is it with gays and their scented candles? Can they really not resist them? Have you ever been to a homosexual's house that wasn't packed to the damned ceiling with scented candles? Are you sick of the gays giving you scented candles as gifts? Will the madness never end? (In fairness to Dale, the bisexual Hung allowed him to buy the candles. Also, the only thing that prevented honorary gay man Casie from buying scented candles was the fact that she was shopping with the heterosexual Brian.)

Anyway, let's go back to the beginning of the episode. First of all, we're all wondering how everyone feels about Howie:

CJ: "Howie is dead to me."

OK; that's answered. Next, on to the quickfire:

Padma: "If you are like most people, the name Daniel Boulud immediately makes you think of Red Robin restaurants."

Uh ... what?

Whatever. The chefs have to create a burger. We get a lot of fish burgers. CJ wins. There are no more immunities for the rest of the season but CJ wins the opportunity to pick his teammates for the elimination challenge. He picks Casie, Tre, and Brian. That leaves Hung, Howie, Sara, and Dale on the other team.

For the elimination challenge the chefs have 24 hours to create a restaurant. 24 hours to come up with a theme, create a menu, decorate, shop, and prepare dinner for 30 guests. This would be a really fun challenge if it were even remotely possible.

I'd love to see what the chefs could do in a week. But 24 hours? What's the point? You know it's not going to be very good.

Padma: "One person on each team will be responsible for one of the following duties: head chef, sous chef, DESIGN [dubbed in], and front of house."

That was weird. why did they have to dub in the word "design."

Padma: "I accidentally said 'decorating' instead of design and the homos ripped me a new one."

Ah, that makes sense.

CJ, Casie, Tre, and Brian call their place Restaurant April because CJ's sister is named April. Well, I guess it doesn't really make any damned difference, does it? Casie and Brian decorate, er, I mean, design the space really nicely. It's pretty. Tre and CJ concentrate on making some pretty mediocre and occasionally inedible food. They do not wash the dishes prior to serving food on them. Brian covers the front of the house until he has a nervous breakdown, when Casie takes over. Brian wore a suit, apparently to maximize his sweating. The dessert was OK. Oh, did I mention the place looked nice?

Hung, Howie, Sara, and Dale call their restaurant The Garage because the empty space they started with resembled a garage. Oh, and because the finished space resembled a garage. A really badly decorated garage. I'm really starting to question Dale's homosexuality. His pants are bad enough [Other Eric: "Don't forget his hair!"] but that decor really looked like shit. That is if shit looked like a really cheap 1980s underground dance club. The "Undercover Blogger" described it as being like eating off of Billy Idol. I don't recommend that, by the way. You really don't know where he's been. Oh, wait, the scented candles! Yeah, OK, Dale is definitely gay. Yes, it's shocking to be reminded of this, but there are gay men with really bad taste. The liberal media doesn't want you to know this but it's true. I've experienced it in real life.

As a side note, the food at The Garage was not great, either. Apparently the crepe for dessert was good, although it sounded really boring to me. Hung's dish was the best of the night, which is a good thing for him because he didn't actually take one of the duties Padma mentioned. This didn't occur to me until just now but Sara was the head chef, Howie was the sous chef, Dale covered the front of the house, and DALE took charge of the decor. Hung was supposed to take one of those duties. Fortunately, his dish was good enough that no one cared.

The judges pretended that they had to make a really difficult decision. Tom said the judging was going to have to come down to food. Then they chose Dale and Brian as the bottom two. But Dale and Brian were not in charge of the food so I don't understand Tom's statement.

It doesn't matter. Neither one is going home. It's a do-over! The teams will get another chance with their restaurants. That's good. It should be much better the second night. Because two days is plenty of time to open a restaurant. The problem is that there was so much wrong it will almost be like starting from scratch. Restaurant April has a little advantage because they don't need to completely redecorate their space. They can concentrate on the food and service. The Garage needs to improve the food and magically get some design sense. Somehow I don't see this coming from Sara or Howie so I don't know what they are going to do.

Tune in next week when we see the conclusion of this restaurant challenge. Until then, I'll leave you with this little exchange:

Tom: "I expected a lot from them."

Padma: "Really?"


Steven said...

Don't talk to me about scented candles. A friend of mine (yes, he's gay) has a candle closet. Is there no means to the end? Ugh.

Ms. Place said...

So many of us are allergic to scented candles that they ought to be outlawed. How you found humor in this week's epi is beyond me. My post turned out to be a little mean spirited. Amend that. A lot.

This is the second year that Bravo messed up the Restaurant Challenge. Why write and shoot an episode calculated to infuriate the viewer? Yeah, the judging should have been based on the cooking. And, yeah, Dale has bad taste. You said it all.

BigAssBelle said...

first, honey, the gays can continue bringing beautifully done up bags of scented candles to every party i have. love them. can't get enough of them. but only spice candles. that flowery crap drives me mad.

and this challenge . . . ridiculous, wasn't it? it is always shocking to me, too, when the design is poorly decided by a gay man. how? how can that be? one of the mysteries of life.

this week will be interesting . . . great post.

Linda Merrill said...

tee hee. Very funny. "he's dead to me!". Ok, that answers that. Love the droll humor. And I agree, that challenge is impossible in 24 hours. I don't see why they don't give them two days so they can actually had a prayer of doing it right.

Marius said...

there are gay men with really bad taste. The liberal media doesn't want you to know this but it's true. I've experienced it in real life.

LOL. Yes, too funny. As I mentioned in my post, I think this is a great challenge--well, it makes sense on paper. But it's difficult to execute in 24 hours. My expectations for the next episode are low.

PeachPie said...

Absolutely hysterical!! OMG, did you ever nail it!

Thank you for that priceless point about it "coming down to the food" and then seeing Brian and Dale in the bottom. I'm sorry, did my TV go on the fritz? For a minute, I thought it was Top Chef.

Those sneaky Bravo execs! What we were really watching was a promo for a new reality show where they take someone with absolutely no experience and then send them off to Family Dollar to create an international jet setting decor. No one did it well??? Oh the shock!!

My God! Missing spoons!! Black table cloths! Off with their heads! Jeez, Brian and Dale, didn't you see it in the Bravo contract?

eric3000 said...

OK, gays, send all your scented candles to Lynette! Ha ha! I just made a charity run on Sunday and got rid of a whole closet full of scented candles (and crystal tchotchkes) that I've received from various gays over the years. They were mostly vanilla scented.

Yeah, Peachpie, you bring up a good point about the missing silverware and other problems. That was really the fault of the waitstaff and since the chefs didn't hire those people or have any time to work with them ahead of time, I don't see how they can be held responsible for the job they did.

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

mumblesalot (Laura A) said...

I have a theory on the Glad scented candles.
The poor sleep/sex/phone/computer deprived conned-testants have been brain washed by all the Glad product placement. They probably don't even like scented candles. I think Dale (was it Dale?) sense of smell will return 6 weeks after he finishes his tour of duty with Bravo.

Anonymous said...

OMG Eric that was yet another epic recap. Thank you for brightening my day yet again! Loveyameanit. MUAH!