Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Project Runway Recap: Season One, Episode 6: Who does a person have to blow around here to get on Page Six?

OK, you know the routine: I'm blogging along with the Project Rungay boys, who are blogging season one on DVD! We start with Kara discussing the departure of Nora in the last episode:

Kara: "Finally! Now that Nora's gone I can get to work on winning this damn competition!"

Heidi comes out, they pick models, someone is stupid enough to pick Morgan, someone cries, blah, blah, blah, seen it! The designers have to make a bathing suit that can also double as an evening gown. Just kidding! Actually, they have to make a bathing suit that can also be worn out to a nightclub. Don't worry, these criteria will be completely ignored when it comes to judging the outfits.

Alexandra: "I'll be using a Missoni fabric and a design inspired by Michael Kors. I think Michael will appreciate that."

Michael won't be judging this week.

Alexandra: "Oh, crap."

Kara: "I'm going to go way outside my comfort zone for this challenge. Instead of designing for a debutante I'm going to design for a society girl."

That's basically the same thing.

Kara: "Oh, crap."

Austin: "I'm designing a thong for Esther Williams."

Esther Williams is almost 90.

Austin: "Oh, crap."

The designers are given half an hour to shop for fabric and three and a half minutes to make the outfits. The models are surprisingly docile this challenge. They're just glad they all got their hoohoos waxed recently because the designers don't know anything about covering bush.

Wendy's model: "You want me to wear what?"

Wendy: "This orange rubber band. Do you mind?"

Model: "Why don't I just wear my own black thong that will ruin the look and possibly cause you to lose because you won't have designed a complete bathing suit?"

Wendy: "Uh, OK, sure; that sounds like a good idea."

Jay is calling the sewing machines names that would make Laura Bennett blush.

Kevin: "There is no need for that kind of language."

Jay: "Why am I the only one having problems with the machines?"

Could it be because you are the only one trying to sew pleather, while the other designers are sewing regular fabric?

Jay: "I feel so much better after having that cigarette. You could say that cigarette saved my life. That's really ironic, see, because, you know, cigarettes are actually bad for you."

We break away from the action for a moment for a public service announcement from Other Eric:

Other Eric: "Don't throw your burning cigarettes on the ground, Jay. That's really disgusting."

Thank you. That was really moving. They should make an After School Special about that. Anyway, back in the design room Alexandra makes a really stupid announcement:

Alexandra: "I'm one of the top three designers left."

It would have been faster if she had just said "goodbye." Tim has everyone gather 'round:

Kara: "I have a bad feeling about this. I'm pretty sure he's going to tell us we have to walk on burning coals or something."

Tim: "You've probably already guessed this but you'll be going to Hero cocktail lounge."

Designers: "How the hell would we have guessed that?"

Tim: "Well, anyway, you're going to have an hour to dress your models like whores and take them to Hero. Your goal will be to give gossip columnist Richard Johnson an erection. You'll get extra points if your model actually has sex with him."

OK, they're at Hero and only two of the outfits actually look like something someone could legitimately get away with wearing at a nightclub: Jay's and Kevin's. The rest look like bathing suits and are completely out of place. But, as I said, this will have no bearing on the actual judging. They have to get Richard's attention but neither I nor the designers have any idea what that means. Are they supposed to sell him on their design? Is he an expert on bathing suit inspired club wear? Are they supposed to impress him with their personalities? No one knows. The designers show off their designs to him but he's really only interested in knowing whether the models are over 18.

Wendy: "I'll get straight to the point. Who do I have to blow to get in your column?"

Morgan is totally worth all the money they are not paying her. Kevin probably wouldn't have even had the nerve to speak to Richard but Morgan takes charge and is actually pretty impressive. I'm almost starting to think Kevin was smart to pick her. Yeah, that won't last long. Melissa doesn't exactly have a sparkling wit but her ass is completely showing and she sticks that in Richard's face, which seems to do the trick. After the party at Hero Morgan has to go out drinking and partying some more. Why? Because she's Morgan and that's what Morgan does. She has to take Kevin's outfit with her but she promises she'll change before she goes out and she'll bring it back in perfect condition the next day. What could possibly go wrong?

The next day:

Morgan: "So I wasn't able to go change clothes because ... well, basically because I didn't feel like it but I was totally careful! I didn't ride the mechanical bull that many times and it wasn't my fault that I fell out of the window of that guy's car while I was puking because he took that corner really fast! So anyway, the point of my story is that I had so much fun last night!"

No, Morgan; I think the point you were trying to make is that you ripped Kevin's outfit.

Morgan: "Oh, yeah, that's right. You aren't upset, are you? God, nothing I do is good enough for you!"

Kevin: "Who could have known this would happen?"

Designers: "We all explicitly told you this would happen!"

On to the judging! We have Anne Slowey again (oh, joy), some woman from eBay, and a gossip columnist. Was Howie Mandel unavailable?

"That woman from eBay is a feminazi."

Wait, was that Jeffrey Sebelia? No, unfortunately it was Jay. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this one time.

Heidi: "Kara, you have immunity from last week so I'm not going to give you any indication of whether or not we thought your garment was any good. Austin and Jay, your models had the most impressive asses and you'll find out which of you is the winner by reading Richard's column tomorrow morning. Kevin, I clearly told you your garment had to look like a bathing suit."

Kevin: "No, you didn't. You said it had to be a functioning bathing suit that could be worn to a nightclub and that's exactly what I made."

Heidi: "I'm sick of your pathetic excuses! I can change the rules whenever I feel like it! And as for you, Alexandra, a real fashion designer can never look to another designer for inspiration!"

Alexandra: "Are you out of your fucking mind? All designers do that!"

Heidi: "Don't pay any attention to the stupid things I say in voice-over. They're added later to provide some sort of story arc to the episode. It's just a fast way of explaining why you're being kicked off the show."

Alexandra: "Oh, OK."

The next morning Jay and Austin are freaking the hell out of some guy at a news stand:

Austin: "Oh, my reviews are in! I can hardly stand the anticipation! Read them to me, Jay! No, no, don't, I don't think I can stand it! OK, yes, read them to me. No, wait ..."

Jay: "Oh, for god sake, Austin, you won."

Austin drops his purse.


Eric said...

Best yet! No, really. Very funny and not just because I cameo.

An said...

"Austin drops his purse."

And, now I have to buy a new keyboard. (I should have known better than to read this while drinking my morning coffee.) Thanks man. I appreciate it.

BTW, just kidding. My keyboard is fine. But you are stinkin' hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I've got your fab recap on one half of my screen & Jay's Colorguard looped on the other....

Sniggering to myself. Oops!

Tea up the nose. Ow!

-- desertwind

Ms. Place said...

My weekend is always complete after I read your recap. I actually guffawed out loud. Ms. Place guffaw? Yes indeedy.

Thanks for the laugh!

BigAssBelle said...

Austin: "Oh, my reviews are in! I can hardly stand the anticipation! Read them to me, Jay! No, no, don't, I don't think I can stand it! OK, yes, read them to me. No, wait ..."

Jay: "Oh, for god sake, Austin, you won."

this just confirms what i've always known ~ i am a nelly queen trapped in a straight woman's body ;-)

you are hysterical, eric. "austin drops his purse." i laughed out loud. smooches, darling.

Steven said...

The reason why Austin's model won was because she blew Richard's Johnson... uh, I mean Richard Johnson.