Friday, December 15, 2006

Top Chef Recap: Episode 8: The Chrismukkah Episode: or The one where Mia finally throws herself under a bus!

The chefs are dealing with the loss of Frank:

Marcel: "I can sleep a little easier now that he won't be here snoring. Oh, yeah, I also don't have to worry about him killing me in my sleep anymore."

Sam: "When Frank left he broke my knife bag. Now I'm glad I smashed his sunglasses and blamed it on Marcel."

All the chefs, especially Mia (hint, hint) are complaining about being away from home for so long. It looks like they've finally had enough:

Sam: "Should we go?"

Ooh, where are they going? Are they all quitting? Are they going dancing? Are they going to see Dreamgirls? Nope. Turns out they are just going to the Kenmore kitchen. What a letdown. Well, there is a bright side:

Betty: "The Kenmore kitchen is completely filled with booze! My prayers have been answered!"

OK, apparently this portion of the show has been brought to you by Bailey's. The guest judge is Kristin Woodward, a licensed joyologist. Or is it mixologist? Whatever; it's some stupid, made-up word. She's a practitioner in the noble profession of helping people forget their troubles and get laid.

Uli: "Are you talking about getting vaysted? Because I have the perfect dress for that!"

Yes, yes, we know. The chefs have to make a mixed drink using Bailey's disgusting alcoholic syrup. They are also supposed to make a Christmas nibble, or something like that.

Ilan: "I've never heard of this "Christmas" you speak of. I guess I'll just make a Hanukkah snack and hope that's similar."

Mike: "OK, I know I say this every time but this is my specialty so I really have to win this one."

You won't.

Mia doesn't use a nice enough glass so she's in the bottom. Betty's drink looks like vomit and apparently tastes even worse so she's in the bottom. Cliff wins the quickfire:

Cliff: "It's really good to win immunity because that means you are immune from being eliminated in the elimination challenge."

Thanks for clearing that up for us, Cliff.

Oh, crap; team challenge. I hate these. OK, there's team Black and team Orange and they are making appetizers for two hundred people who have just walked down a red carpet for no reason. This portion of the show has been brought to you by Warner Bros. and Los Angeles Magazine, the magazine for people who love advertisements.

Team Orange is Sam, Ilan, Marcel, and Betty.

Ilan: "OK, I think we can all agree that Sam should be the leader of our team."

Marcel: "Oh, really? We'll just see about that."

Team Black is Cliff, Elia, Mike, and Mia. At first they don't seem to have a leader. But one thing is for sure: it is not Mia:

Mia: "I think we should serve lots of different appetizers. "

Rest of Team: "No, that's a terrible idea. We should just supply napkins and no food. It's better to have really good napkins than to screw up a bunch of dishes."

Mia: "Whatever. You all suck."

At the store there is a change in plan:

Cliff: "Mia, we've decided to not even supply napkins so we can really concentrate on standing around doing nothing."

Mia: "What? Why are you doing this?"

Cliff: "Because I have immunity."

Mia: "Have I mentioned you suck?"

At the seafood counter we witness this shocking exchange:

Marcel: "Don't put the mussels in plastic. You'll suffocate them."

Ilan: "Don't be a dick."

Oh my god! Ilan is in favor of suffocating mussels! Someone call PETA!

So, this is the team Orange menu:

Crab cakes, shrimp skewers, pickles mussels, calamari with dip, bread pudding, beef tenderloin with blue cheese, cauliflower a la plancha, croquetas, salmon mousse, confit of pork, mushroom tart, vegetable terrine, and chorizo and egg tostadas.

Team Black will have a fruit and cheese plate.

Tom: "So, the other team is serving 13 dishes. You have no chance. OK, good luck!"

Somehow Elia is now in charge of this disaster. It sure seemed like Cliff was in charge when they were making all the terrible menu decisions in the beginning. And it would have made sense for him to be the leader since he has nothing to lose. Oh well, let Elia take the fall.

OK, they are serving their food on the Warner Bros. lot on the street with the Huxtable house. Fun! I recognize of couple of minor character from Studio 60 and that's about it. Who are these people? The guest judge is Lee Hefter and Ted is filling in for Gail. Team Black does make better food but there just is not enough of it. Team Orange makes some pretty standard food but they really put out an amazing spread for the money they had. Team Orange wins.

Marcel: "I know we won but I'd like to defend myself anyway and say that I was my own leader."

OK, Ilan's right: Marcel is a dick.

Sam deserves credit for leading that amazing team effort. He wins a ginormous box of knives. Hey, Sam, I think Marcel would like you to show him your knives, if you know what I mean.

Team Black was a disaster and anyone stupid enough to take the leadership role deserves to leave. Elia takes complete responsibility. Cliff throws Mia under a bus:

Cliff: "This is all Mia's fault because I completely ignored everything she said."

Mia: "Cliff, you can kiss my big black ass!"

Mia seems to have a split personality is this episode:

Mia: "I thought Elia was a terrible leader for not listening to me. But then I thought she was a really good leader and did an excellent job. And then I thought she was a terrible leader again at the judges' table. And then I thought she was such a good leader I decided to take the fall for her."

Ow, I have whiplash.

Tom: "Mia, are you telling us you're quitting?"

Mia: "No, first I'm going to tell you why I'm not a quitter and then I'll tell you I'm quitting. Now, many of you don't know this because I've only mentioned it a few dozen times, but I was homeless. I was working as a salesman and raising my son by myself and then we got kicked out of our apartment and I decided to take an unpaid internship with a Wall Street investment firm ..."

Tom: "No, I think that's the plot to the new Will Smith movie."

14 comments:

Laz said...

"Crab cakes, shrimp skewers, pickles mussels, calamari with dip, bread pudding, beef tenderloin with blue cheese, cauliflower a la plancha, croquetas, salmon mousse, confit of pork, mushroom tart, vegetable terrine, and chorizo and egg tostadas."

...and a partridge in a pear tree?

Ms. Place said...

Somehow Elia is now in charge of this disaster. It sure seemed like Cliff was in charge when they were making all the terrible menu decisions in the beginning. And it would have made sense for him to be the leader since he has nothing to lose. Oh well, let Elia take the fall.

Yes, but welfare babies and children of poverty, even the strong ones, learn to compromise and self sacrifice in the school of hard knocks. So, instead of Cliff and Elia, Mia took the fall. (Damn Cliff. He knew exactly what he was about.)

As Mia tumbled onto her own sword, none of the privileged ones had the least sympathy or inclination to rescue her.

Ah, Eric, your posts are ALWAYS funny. But with Mia's departure, my wit and absurd delight in all things TOP CHEF seem to have suddenly left me.

JavaJunkie said...

"All the chefs, especially Mia (hint, hint) are complaining about being away from home for so long. It looks like they've finally had enough"

Eric, I think that really sums it up. Mia just seemed to be tired of playing. She had a successful business to run; a family she missed, and needed to tend to, and she was just plain tired of the b.s...

eric3000 said...

Yeah, while i actually enjoyed this episode, I found the end pretty depressing. This is the second time this season they've let someone quit and I don't like it. I think the judges allow it because it makes their job easier.

Laz said...

"This is the second time this season they've let someone quit and I don't like it. I think the judges allow it because it makes their job easier."

And probably why Michael's slothy ass is still around. He's the easy auf everyone can agree on should the judges ever start scratching each other's eyes out...which I, for one, wouldn't mind seeing.

bungle said...

Heaven and hell, I tell ya. The episode prior was heaven: Elia wins her second in a row, Marcel wins the Quickfire. Awesome. This last one featured Elia almost getting axed and Marcel giving people more ammo. Sheesh.

I'm not so sure the fact of Mia telling on Betty was exactly a toss under the bus since what she revealed was something hinky anyway. I'm pretty sure that I'm a big ole Mia fan from here on out.

Anonymous said...

I felt sorry for Mia, but I couldn't understand her wrath towards Cliff. Cliff and Elia are definitely strong personalities, and they won't listen to you if they think you're below par. Mia keeps getting on the bottom of the quickfire challenge and Mike . . . well he's Mike. I may've reacted like Cliff and Elia.

I was starting to feel sorry for Marcel but my verdict is he's a jackass. Elan's contempt is well reasoned. Looks like it's going to get ugly next week!

Blogging Top Chef said...

As always fellow blogger, YOU ROCK!!! LMAO. Thanks for always making my week.

Sous Chef Humor

wildflower38 said...

I thought the judges were finally going to get rid of the dead weight...Mike. How did he get on this show? Mia had a melt down because she was home sick. I felt bad for her.

BigAssBelle said...

this broke my heart. and then somewhere (tom's blog?) i read that mia was not up to par with the remaining chefs, so chose to bow out now rather than face elimination later. i think that's bullshit.

i wonder how much of her efforts to convince were not shown in this episode? i can't imagine her not being pretty vocal about this disaster.

whaaaah :( mia.

off topic, i wonder how much valium the padmatron takes before these episodes?

eric3000 said...

I usually find Tom's judges' table remarks to be strange. I have a hard time believing that it would have helped for Mia to have ranted like that when they were creating the menu. I think it would have made everyone even more determined to ignore her.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled onto this blog entry. Hilarious! You've captured the episode perfectly. Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

omfg,
had the best calamari at primavera tonite. it was baked and giant and most tender. Of course, with my high taste level, ordered seafood primavera, all white sauce, even tho lactose intolerant. the funny part was the fresh french bread came with pureed sun dried tomatoes in virgin olive oil evo.
yummy. too bad couldn't enjoy my white wine pinot griscio when the shrinks puts one on all the psycho meds/lol

Anonymous said...

may bea should try
vino+psycho meds=bikini atoll mushroom cloud.
nuff said. guten nacht
how's the other eric. still traveling. am doing some intense traveling this coming yr. how like me to zip round the world several times in a yr.