Friday, May 04, 2007

Project Runway Season Two Finale, Part 1: The Designer Who Shagged Me!

In this exciting sequel, Dr. Evil travels back in time to the year 2006 to steal Daniel Vosovic's mojo!

Daniel: "What?! But without my mojo I'll be powerless against Tim's critiques and the judges' cutting remarks!"

What designer from the future could possibly be working with Dr. Evil to sabotage Daniel's career?!

Santino: "Don't look at me. Seriously, it's a great plan but I had nothing to do with it. I was too busy working on my humanizing background story."

Well, it isn't Chloe. She doesn't even want to win. Who could it be?

Dr. Evil: "There is only one person on earth more evil than I am. That's right: Wendy Pepper!"

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So we start off part one of the finale with Heidi reminding us what the prizes are:

Heidi: "The winner of project runway will get a new Saturn, a Kenmore Pro kitchen, the opportunity to punch Daniel Franco in the nuts, a gift certificate for $100 at Banana Republic, any babies I happen to deliver during filming, and an internship applying bronzer to Michael Kors."

OK, that's way too many prizes.

Tim visits the designers in their natural habitats. First is Santino. He's holding up three fingers, representing the remaining three designers:

Santino: "So this finger on the left in Daniel and I'll push him down and then this finger on the right is Chloe and I'll push her down and then I'm the finger in the middle and I'll be the only one left and that's how I'll win."

Well, good luck!

Santino: "What do you mean, 'Good luck'? I'm flipping you the bird, you idiot!"

What? Well, that's just rude.

Anyway, Tim visits Santino at the house he's renting in Hollywood. I have no idea how he can afford that house. He tells Tim the theme of his collection:

Santino: "It's Forties glamour boudoir rocker debutant chicken-and-waffles S&M dressy-casual. With a twist of lemon."

Tim: "Ooh, I'll have a twist of lemon!"

Santino takes Tim to the beach:

Tim: "Why does everyone take me to the beach? Do I look like a fucking beach person?"

Then they visit Santino's friend, the model Tony Ward. I am not at all surprised to learn that Eric actually knows who this is. Tony's children climb on Santino and get their cuteness all over him.

Tim drives his tiny Saturn Roadster to New York. We watch a little picture of a car move from left to right across a map of the United States. Well, that's how they should have done it. He visits Daniel V.:

Daniel: "Let's go shopping!"

Tim: "Yay!"

They try to find Daniel a slim-cut blazer:

Tim: "Maybe you could get Nick to make one for you."

Daniel: "That's not funny. I loved that suit."

Tim: "Oh, sorry."

Daniel: "I'm just messing with you. It was shit."

So they find a blazer that fits perfectly and I'm just wondering why I can't find anything that fits? Daniel is as skinny as I am; why does everything I try on look like a tent? He must be a little taller than I am so maybe his shoulders are a bit wider.

Tim visits Chloe in Houston:

Chloe: "I don't have any clothes done."

Tim: "That's OK. Show me some sketches."

Chloe: "Yeah, I don't do sketches."

Tim: "I drove all the way from New York. Without stopping. In a tiny red Saturn Roadster. With the top down. In the rain. Show me something."

Chloe: "Well, I have this bolt of fabric."

Tim: "You'll have to do better than that."

Chloe: "I can have all my sisters line up on the stairs like the kids in the Brady Brunch."

Tim: "Now you're talking."

So we learned a little bit more about the designers this week. Let's compare their sob stories:

Santino: "I was homeless."

Chloe: "I had to live in a refugee camp."

Daniel: "I had to endure being gay in a loving, accepting, upper-middle-class white family."

OK, I think Chloe wins that round. But let me tell you a real sob story: I'm so skinny I can't even find a blazer that fits. Really; I eat and eat and eat absolutely anything I want and I just can't gain weight! It's awful! ... What? Why is everyone looking at me like they want to kill me?

The designers go to their hotel in Times Square to get ready for Fashion Week. Tim looks at their collections. Chloe's looks very Balenciaga, Santino has this beautiful sunburst pleating that Tim is loving, and apparently Daniel's is just perplexing:

Daniel: "I am so offended that Tim is not piddling his panties over my clothes. I don't think that's too much to expect."

Tim: "Daniel, it's just that you're my favorite and I was expecting more from you."

Daniel: "That's so unfair!"

Tim: "That's life. Would you like for me to say that in French?"

Daniel: "No, that's OK. I know that one."

Tim: "Get down here on the floor with me."

Daniel: "I'm not falling for that again."

Tim: "No, I just want to show you this hem."

Daniel: "Oh, sure."

Daniel shows Tim the amazingly ugly handbags he made:

Tim: "It would be a shame if those went missing right before the runway show."

Daniel: "What?"

Tim: "Nothing."

The designers go to Michael Kors's studio and pick models:

Santino: "I should have picked homely girls, like Chloe did. The homely girls are always so grateful that they will show up for fittings."

Chloe: "Yeah, they taught me that in pattern-making school, asshole!"

Daniel: "Um, excuse me. Has anyone seen my mojo? It was in a glass vial that I had here on the table, right next to this picture of Wendy Pepper's daughter with a mustache drawn on it ... hey, wait a minute; where did that picture come from?"

Will Daniel find his mojo? Tune in next week to find out!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Another great recap! I'm dying here. Thanks for starting my day with a belly laugh.

Ms. Place said...

Again, your recaps are funnier than the show. Daniel was being such a pissante. And Santino was, well, Santino. We learned the most about Chloe. Her fabric choices were dreadful. Can anyone say couch? Ouch.

Can't wait until next week's recap.

trixie said...

I was too busy working on my humanizing background story

Ha! See below.

the opportunity to punch Daniel Franco in the nuts,

You slay me Eric. That was a spit-take line.

a gift certificate for $100 at Banana Republic, any babies I happen to deliver during filming, and an internship applying bronzer to Michael Kors."

This is hilarious. I'm going to always think of it when they list the prizes on the show.

I have no idea how he can afford that house.

Yeah, I was wondering about that.

Santino: "It's Forties glamour boudoir rocker debutant chicken-and-waffles S&M dressy-casual. With a twist of lemon."

The chicken and waffles was just the extra touch it needed. They always have this long list that ultimately serves to demonstrate that they don't know anything about fashion history, or what they are doing with their collection.

Tim: "Why does everyone take me to the beach? Do I look like a fucking beach person?"

Ha! So true. But that is why it is so fun to watch him go to the beach.

Tony's children climb on Santino and get their cuteness all over him.

This is a total emo-infraction. It is bad enough when they use their own children for such mawkishness but using other people's children is a major violation.

hat said, it was not on the par of Jeffrey's childification because there was such a lack of rapport between Jeffrey and his kid (as opposed to Santino and Tony's kids) and Jeffrey was pretty much irredeemable as an asshole, as proven by the fact that when he won he dumped his girlfriend (see ya daddy) took up with his model.

We watch a little picture of a car move from left to right across a map of the United States. Well, that's how they should have done it.

Perfect! Eric-- you should direct the show!


The Suffering Olympics:

Santino: "I was homeless."
Chloe: "I had to live in a refugee camp."
Daniel: "I had to endure being gay in a loving, accepting, upper-middle-class white family."
Eric: I'm so skinny I can't even find a blazer that fits.
Trixie: I had to endure being an intelligent girl in middle middle-class suburban middle-America.

Trixie to Eric: I match your blazer woes: I am short and small (but not petite 0-2 skinny, i.e., don't have Avian Bone Syndrome). However my father was a Big 10 football player and I inherited his shoulders. I'm a freak ... sob!

So, like, I can totally relate to Chloe's experience of being in a refugee camp.

eric3000 said...

trixie said,

"So, like, I can totally relate to Chloe's experience of being in a refugee camp."

Ha ha!

And yeah, I think I have Avian Bone Syndrome!

TheGayBoys said...

Tim: "Get down here on the floor with me."

Daniel: "I'm not falling for that again."


Hilarious recap, as usual, Eric.