Project Runway, Season Ten, Episode Ten: How do you get to Radio City Music Hall?

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. You take a cab. So, last week America's sweethearts, Gunnar and Christofur, were split up:

Christofur: "Whatever shall I do without him?"

Gunnar: "Be strong for me!"

This week the designers have to make a rocket costume:

Seriously? These challenges get more ridiculous every week!

Tim: "I think you'll find you made a typo when you were taking your notes."

That does sound like something I would do.

Tim: "The designers will actually be making Rockettes costumes."

Oh, that's much better!

Tim: "Are you being sarcastic?"

No, not at all!

Tim: "Good. Because I am not above bitch-slapping that bitch"

The designers have hundreds of dollars and several days for this challenge. The results are even worse than usual, so obviously time and money are not the issue.

They go out to dinner and get drunk. It's nice that they get to have a little break, although it would be a little more relaxing between challenges, instead of in the middle of one. I don't blame Sonjia for having trouble relaxing. Especially with that piece of crap waiting for her on her dress form.

Ven has some wine and gets all emotional. Well, as emotional as a robot can get. He tells us about his life:

Ven: "I spent a lot of time playing with myself."

Elena: "I feel like I understand him now."

Melissa has never made a dance costume before. That's not exactly surprising, but several other designers actually have made dance costumes before.

Anyway, Melissa also apparently has never sewn a garment before, or gone shopping before, because all the other designers are helping her with everything.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Christofur, I love that. The only thing it needs is some sheer fabric with little sequins to represent a starry sky."

Christofur: "Yeah, that would be great. The only problem is I DON'T HAVE THAT!"

Tim: "No problem. I'll take care of it."

Tim tells the designers they get to go back to Mood so that Christofur can get the fabric he needs to win the challenge.

Elena, meanwhile, is making a cheerleader outfit that she and everyone else hates. Her return trip to Mood does not help at all:

Elena: "I freak out and buy more sparkles!"

Is it just me, or is Elena turning into Kathy Griffin?

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Debra Messing:

Sonjia made a costume for Seussical the Musical:

Other Eric: "It looks a little cocktail."

Me: "Are you insane?"

Michael Kors: "No, he's right; it's like a shortened cocktail dress."

Other Eric: "Ha! Michael Kors agrees with me!"

Great. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

Dmitry made a sexy asymmetrical skating costume for Johnny Weir:

I like it. I'm just not sure asymmetry is the right design choice for the Rockettes. I think it would be distracting.

Christofur wins with his tribute to the New York City skyline. When I first saw his sketch I was worried, but he really did a good job:

Michael Kors: "It's very New York!"

Finally, in a shocking turn of events, the judges actually eliminate the the designer of the worst garment. Ven is out for his super boring dress. Bye, Ven. I hope the show can survive the loss of your bubbly personality.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Nine: All About Me!

Margo Channing: "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!"

That's right, Margo! I've managed to make this episode of Project Runway all about me. Just like every episode. The challenge this week is to create a design based on your cultural heritage, something most of us don't have! So, my challenge this week is to find a cultural heritage. Time to hit Ancestry.com:

OK, Ancestry.com, tell me what my cultural heritage is. Ooh, there's a little leaf telling me I have a clue! ... well, no cultural heritage yet. Let's go back a few more generations ... nope, still no cultural heritage.

Matthew Broderick: "But you have an ancestor who fought in the Civil War, just like me! That's amazing!"

Almost everyone has ancestors who fought in the Civil War, you dumbass. Anyway, that doesn't help. Let's go back a few more generations ... um, OK, maybe a few more ... we're going to hit some cultural heritage at some point, right?

Got it! My fifteenth great grandfather was from Wales! That makes me one thirty-two-thousandth Welsh! Jealous?

Ah, yes, I remember my fifteenth great grandfather always used to say to me, "Mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn." I thought he was senile, but now I know he was just Welsh.

Right, OK, now I have to design a garment based on my Welsh ancestry ... uh ... you know what? Screw it, I'm just going to ignore the challenge and do whatever I want.

Designers: "That's what we're doing, too!"

Yeah, I don't blame you. That part of the challenge is ridiculous. The main part of the challenge (and apparently the only part of the challenge) is the textile design. That's right, the textile design challenge! Of all the Project Runway challenges, this is definitely one of them. As always, I will point out that the designers are not actually designing a textile; they are creating a design that will be printed onto a textile.

Tim: "And to help with this challenge, you will all be getting the new iPhone 5!"

Designers: "OH, MY GOD!! REALLY?!!!"

Tim: "No, of course not!"

Designers: "You suck."

Time for the surprise guests. The designers' mothers walk into the work room, bringing the designers their Ancestry.com dossiers, telling most of them that they have no cultural heritage.

So, there are a few MILFs in the work room, but I have to say Fabio's mom is probably the hottest:

Fabio's mom

Yeah, she's fit!

Fabio: "Gross! That's my mom you're talking about!"

Time for the runway, with guest judges Mondo and Anya:

Sonjia made a really nice print pant, based on her cultural heritage of being American:

Mondo: "I love it! She should win!"

She should. Instead, Dmitry wins with a really cool black jacket with cut-outs over a nice print top. It was  an interesting idea, because the jacket required a print top to accentuate the movement, but that doesn't change the fact that you can barely see the print and, as Mondo reminded us, this is a print challenge.

Elena made a cute dress in a really weird print. I would ask her what it has to do with Ukrainian culture, but I'm too scared.

Christofur made a truly horrible dress. It's one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that.

Ven also made a truly horrible dress. It's also one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that, either.

As bad as Ven's dress is, it was actually worse before Tim told him to change it. In an unusual move, Heidi asks to have Tim brought to her:

Heidi: "Bring me Tim Gunn!"

Tim is dragged into the studio:

Tim: "This better be important. You interrupted my pilates class."

Heidi: "We just want you to tell us how much Ven sucks."

Tim: "Oh. Pretty hard."

Heidi: "Thank you."

The judges do nothing with this information.

Fabio made a print vest over a black jumpsuit. The garment is fine, but the boring print fabric is muted with black crepe so it's barely noticeable.

Melissa made a nice red dress in honor of the 2008 Polish Olympic team:

Gunnar made a white print jacket over a short black skirt. It's better than Christofur's dress, but it's still pretty bad. The print has images of birds and hands, to celebrate his cultural heritage of being bullied:

Gunnar: "When you say it out loud, it doesn't make much sense, does it?"

No, it doesn't. So, Gunnar is out. I think the judges and the other designers were a little unfair to him this season:

Gunnar: "Yes, well, that's my cultural heritage. it's like I always say, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

What does that have to do with anything?

Gunnar: "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eight: Fractured Fairy Tales!

We start the episode with Christofur being upset about the fact that Gunnar wasn't sent home last time:

Christofur: "Ooh, I am so upset."

Well, that was ugly. I'm sorry you all had to witness that.

The designers enter the workroom and come face to face with their worst nightmare:

Tori Spelling: "Hi, everyone"

Designers: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

That's right; the designers have to make crafty t-shirt projects using popsicle sticks and strings of popcorn. And they will be working in three teams of three:

Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine is Christofur, Sonjia, and Gunnar.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up is Ven, Melissa, and Fabio.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now is Dmitry, Elena, and Alicia.

Dmitry and Elena are arguing over what to stick on their crappy t-shirts:

Dmitry: "Ooh, look at what I found. It's a boat covered in rubies."

Elena: "Ugh. That is so tacky."

Dmitry: "Hey, it has someone's name on it."

Elena: "Let me see that. Oh, my god, Dmitry, you just found the ruby yacht of Omar Khayyam!"

Dmitry: "Well, I think we should stick it on a t-shirt."

Christofur: "Oy, it's like listening to Rocky and Bullwinkle."

The teams go out to the streets of New York, home to the friendliest people on earth. Everyone is thrilled to stop and chat with strangers begging for money. However, nobody seems to want to buy their awful t-shirts. Until they only have a few minutes left, and then suddenly they can't keep up with demand and they end up with hundreds of dollars in cash:

Anya: "I can hold on to that cash for you."

Don't do it.

Anya: "No, seriously, It will be nice and safe, right here in my bra. Wait, what happened to my bra?"

Kara Janx: "Did you lose something, too? I can't find my Barbie hat anywhere. Have you seen it?"

Kara, you can stop looking for your Barbie hat. You don't need it.

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Anna Sui, who informs us that teamwork is the most important thing in fashion design:

Michael Kors: "Screw teamwork! I do whatever the hell I want!"

The weird part of this challenge is having three people create two looks. The math just doesn't work out. There is no good way to split the responsibilities evenly. And I'm not sure what we learn from this exercise.

Anyway, Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine did the best job of figuring it out. Gunnar created two dresses, both of which were covered up by the pieces made by Sonjia and Christofur. So he worked on both looks, but since his pieces were covered by the single pieces made by his teammates, it kind of evens out. And that ridiculousness was actually the best way to go. The judges liked both looks and all four pieces and Sonjia wins the challenge.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up did a bad job. Both looks were very Fabio. they had kind of a cool, grungy feel that I didn't totally hate, but they looked really cheap, especially compared to what the other two teams created for less money. Fabio ended up in the bottom two, but all three on this team end up being safe.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now was also a mess. All three members of the team had problems. Dmitry and Elena spent the challenge arguing with each other. Dmitry made another nice dress, this time with reversed darts, which everyone acted like they had never seen before, and then he covered the whole thing with a giant blanket. Elena made a huge sloppy coat.

Meanwhile, Alicia spend the challenge doing what she does best: making absolutely no impact at all. She made a boring top over a pair of So Slimming Pants from Chico's:

Michael Kors: "How did you make that really skinny model look so slim?"

Chico's: "It's our little secret!"

So, yeah, Alicia's contribution was pretty bland. Elena helpfully offered to completely cover up everything Alicia made so the judges wouldn't see it at all:

Elena: "I'm a giver. It's what I do."

That's sweet. Unfortunately, the judges do actually get to see Alicia's garments and they send her home.

Alicia: "I had so much more to show you."

More? You were going to show us more? I would have been thrilled if you had shown us ANYTHING AT ALL!

Sorry, I really like Alicia and was looking forward to seeing her designs, but this show is clearly not the right venue for her talents.

Well, tune in next week, when I'm sure something really exciting will happen.

Dmitry: "Hey, Elena, want to see me pull a simple, beautifully-tailored dress out of a hat?"

Elena: "Aw, not that old trick."

Project Runway Season Ten, episode seven: The progress of our values!

That's right, the progress of our values! It's a phrase that doesn't mean anything at all, but if you say it people will cheer! Because people love values! And people love the word "values" randomly linked to other words that sound good! Yay!

For this challenge, the designers take a field trip to the flagship store of Lord & Taylor, where they find a line of the most boring dresses you have ever seen, created by designers from previous seasons. We meet the president of Lord & Taylor:

Mitt Romney: "This president promises to slow the rise of sea level. What a joke. I pledge to flood New Orleans on a regular basis!"

wrong president

Mitt Romney: "He sure is!"

No, I mean you're complaining about the wrong president. This is a lovely woman who is the president of a department store chain.

Mitt Romney: "oh. Well, I probably gave her that job. I give lots of jobs to women. Obviously they don't need jobs, because their husbands can take care of them, but I think it's cute that they try."

Yes, well, anyway, back to the boring dresses at Lord & Taylor. Can the president please explain this to me?

The President of the United States: "My opinion on this matter is still evolving, so I generally leave these decisions to Michelle."

NO! THE OTHER PRESIDENT!

The President of Lord & Taylor: "Oh, yes, of course. The Lord & Taylor customer loves fashion, but not enough to actually buy something fashionable. She wants something that's cheap for an expensive dress, but expensive for a cheap dress, if you know what I'm saying."

I know exactly what you're saying. The designers will need to make really boring dresses that will retail for $200-$300.

The designers do a good job. I think most of the dresses are easily boring enough to meet the criteria of the challenge. They mostly make little black dresses. Which would have been really good, if this had been an LBD challenge. But it wasn't. Except, I guess it sort of was. Whatever.

Ven, Dmitry, and Sonjia are safe. Ven deserved to be safe, with his tacky, but adequately constructed dress. It looked a bit like the model's chest was collapsing:

Yeah, sort of like that, but not as cool.

Dmitry's was better than most of the designs this week, though the back was not as good as the front. Sonjia's was horrible and she should have been on the bottom. I get the retro 1980s vibe, but there is no way a Lord & Taylor customer is wearing that dress. No. Way.

Elena created a poorly-fitted little black dress. It's weird. I like weird. Her clothes tend to make her model look very thick waisted. But if it had fit better, I think it would have looked pretty good. The judges like it, shocking everyone who has eyes. I'm shocked. Elena is shocked. The judges pretend to be shocked that Elena is shocked, even though they obviously knew she would expect them to hate it, which they probably would have, except they were trying to shock us. And they did. Have I mentioned that I was shocked?

Melissa created a sheath dress of stiff bronze fabric, with a cool neckline and a really stupid asymmetrical hem. She's in the top four with Elena.

Christofur created a gown with a shredded blush top and black skirt. It's very nice (nice is boring). He's also in the top four.

Fabio created a pretty little black dress. It's also very nice (getting sleepy now). He rounds out the top four. Fabio is wearing a garland of flowers in his hair, like a hippie:

Fabio: "My foreign policy is Make love, not war."

Condoleezza Rice: "OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

The bottom two are Alicia and (GASP) Gunnar! Look, I totally agree with the judges that Gunnar's dress put the B in boring, but that's exactly why it should have won this challenge. Gunnar and I thought they were supposed to make boring dresses. Gunnar and I totally agree on this. Gunnar and I don't know why I keep saying "Gunnar and I." Gunnar and I have never met.

Alicia, obviously, has been a perpetual bottom dweller and one of these weeks she's got to go. But her awful dress was not a total failure. It was even weirder than Elena's. And if it hadn't looked like total shit I think I might have liked it. She really needs to improve her construction skills.

Anyway, Alicia is safe! Meaning Gunnar is ... also safe! I was shocked! But it makes a little more sense now. Because Gunnar's dress was obviously not the worst thing out there. But they decided to keep everyone, which meant they could go through the elimination process in any order they wanted. So they chose to be shocking. And it worked. Did I mention I was shocked?

So, yeah, there was a lot of crying in this episode, both in despair and in joy:

Clint Eastwood: "I haven't cried this much since Oprah caused the recession!"

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Six!

OK, so the big news last week was that all the remaining designers quit the show and basically nobody noticed the difference.

Heidi, Michael, Nina, Tim, and some guy we are supposed to know, named Johnny Lavoy, try to figure out what to do:

Tim: "You know who Johnny Lavoy is!"

No, I really don't.

Tim: "Everyone knows who Johnny Lavoy is. Don't insult my intelligence by pretending you don't."

Fine. I'm a huge Johnny Lavoy fan and have been keeping up with his career for years."

Tim: "That's better."

Let's get back to the issue at hand: what are we going to do without the designers?

Nina: "Why don't we just pull some regular people in off the street. 

Michael: “You mean ‘real women’?”

Heidi: “That’s so crazy it just might work!”

Johnny Lavoy: “Why am I here?”

So, our new designers are:

Amanda is a social worker, who wears casual clothes every day. She needs a cocktail dress to wear to the office.

Jenna has a bubbly personality and loves color. She needs a severe black cocktail dress.

Kate is a woman in desperate need of a cocktail dress.

Terri needs business casual attire. She’ll be getting a cocktail dress.

Angela likes contrast. She likes her cocktail dresses to contrast hard and soft.

Martina likes cocktail dresses so she’ll be getting ... oh, what the hell, let’s give her a cocktail dress.

Kandace likes dresses. Good thing, because she’s getting a cocktail dress.

Lana is a performer who wants a classy cocktail dress with an exposed belly.

Ko-Rely only has friends who hyphenate their first names, like her friend Judah-Lev. She doesn’t like looking feminine. She’ll be getting a cocktail dress.

Kim needs a cocktail dress as big as her personality.

So, the runway is a disaster. Just like every week. Ko-Rely wins with her cool, edgy dress that seems to fit her personality perfectly. Lana is out with her hooker/ice-skating costume.

Meanwhile, Ven is spending time with Lars and the Real Girl:

Ven: “This is my first experience with a Real Girl. I really like her. She doesn't have her own opinions. I can tell her she’s fat right to her face and she doesn’t complain. From now on I’m only going to work with Real Girls.”

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Five: Working Girls!

Joanna Coles: "Marie Claire is launching a new publication called Marie Claire Working Girl, for the strong, powerful, and sophisticated women working in the world's oldest profession. It's the fastest growing segment of the fashion industry and we're very excited about it!"

That really is a huge untapped market! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

The designers will be working in two teams and they can't hide their enthusiasm:

Gunnar: "Teams are awesome!"

Raul: "I love working in a team!"

Elena: "Growing up in Ukraine, I was only able to survive through teamwork."

Ah, that's nice.

Elena: "Obviously, I had to kill off my teammates after I got what I needed from them, but the teamwork part was still really important."

Of course.

The teams are:

Team Six: Sonjia, Elena, Melissa, Dmitry, Alicia, and Raul

Team Five: Nathan, Ven, Christofur, Fabio, and Gunnar

Raul is picked last:

Raul: "I'll show them. I just have to punch them harder."

Well, that should work.

I can see a problem already with the teams. There are no women on Team Five. They don't know what a modern, sophisticated working girl wants to wear!

Each team has one designer who will end up on the bottom: Gunnar and Raul.

In the case of Gunnar, I really don't think it's his fault. He raised his objections to the stupid fabric choices and the inappropriate aesthetic that the rest of the team decided on, but was outvoted so he tried to do what the team wanted. Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out what his teammates wanted, so he ended up with a total mess.

And Raul is just a disaster, as usual.

OK, so they have to do a photo shoot. Elena, who is usually so calm and collected, becomes completely unhinged. She's screaming at everyone and complaining about the props:

Elena: "You can't have a chair in a photo! Chairs are what you sit in when you are going to the bathroom! Are you all crazy?"

Yes, we are all crazy. It isn't you.

Anyway, the teams finally manage to take some decent photos of the models looking like they are at work:

Ooh, that's very convincing!

Time for the runway:

Despite the fact that Team Six is clearly much better, we are told the score is tied. Team Six has a couple of duds, but on the whole, it's much more fresh and modern and Melissa wins:

Joanna Coles: "Oh, yes, I could definitely see a woman in either the street-walking or the legal profession wearing that!"

Michael Kors: "She looks like a hooker."

High praise, indeed, Michael.

Team Five has created a collection of old-fashioned resort wear:

Patty the Daytime Hooker: "Maybe if I were a nighttime hooker I could get away with wearing that. But I'm a daytime hooker, so I have to look good."

Patty knows what she's talking about. The only good thing in the collection is Christofur's skirt. He managed to turn an ugly fabric into something beautiful. Too bad picking an ugly fabric and making it beautiful was not the challenge this week. The judges loved Fabio's dress, but I thought it was ill-fitting and awful. Ven made something that would have been perfect for a working girl:

Specifically Ann Southern in the 1950s.

Raul is out again. He says goodbye in that special Raul way:

Raul: "Goodbye, everyone. Elena, I hate your guts."

Oh, my God, Raul, that is so rude. Of course you hate Elena; she's awful; everyone hates Elena. But the rest of us have the common courtesy to bitch about her behind her back. It's called manners.

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Four: Quitting Time!

Tim Gunn: "I have an announcement to make. Eric3000 left his hotel room in the middle of the night. We have every reason to believe he is still alive, but we have not been able to contact him."

Melissa: "Yeah, I just heard him mumble something about how the stupid Hilton doesn't have Lifetime Television and then he was gone."

Kooan: "That makes me sad. And being sad makes me not happy. If Eric3000 leaves, then I'm leaving, too."

Christofur: "Why does all this terrible stuff keep happening to me?"

I'm fine! Sorry to worry you!

Melissa: "I didn't really care."

Well, anyway, I'm staying at this stupid Hilton in San Diego and the only thing I needed was access to Lifetime, but apparently Cox Cable doesn't carry it."

Heidi: "Ha ha! You said Cox!"

Oh, grow up, Heidi. This is serious.

Heidi: "Look, maybe you just aren't cut out for this. This is a tough business. Instead of whining about not being able to watch on television, why don't you just watch the episode online?"

I can do that?

Heidi: "That's what I've been told. One of my dog's chef's personal assistants watches the show that way."

Wait, does your dog have more than one chef?

Heidi: "No, sorry, I have more than one dog, and each dog has its own chef. Each dog's chef, of course, has several personal assistants. I don't know how many. I can't be expected to keep track of these things."

I feel like we've gone off on a tangent. I've seen the show now, so maybe we should talk about that.

OK, so, Andrea and Kooan left the show. To make up for losing two designers, they bring back half a designer: Raul. That's Project Runway math. The designers meet Tim at Michael Kors' new lifestyle store. Because a lifestyle is a choice. And you buy it in a store.

Tim: "You have fifteen minutes to grab as much of this lifestyle crap as you can."

Michael Kors: "Wait, what?"

The designers go batshit crazy, ransacking the store.

Michael Kors: "Man, I just cleaned up in here."

They take their loot back to the design room to make garments for me, a blogger on the go. So here are the requirements:

1) They crank the shit out of the AC on Amtrak trains, so I will need a ski parka that will also be appropriate to wear outside, where it is over 100 degrees.

2) I will be doing a lot of walking and dragging around a suitcase, so obviously I will need extremely high platform stilettos.

3) I do not wear black.

GO!

Alicia made a pant and a white shirt. It's fine, but it's not really very versatile.

Melissa made a black and grey knit layered look. It's nice and it should keep me warm on the train, but she ignored my instruction, as usual, about not using black.

Fabio made a black and white dress with a bolero. Is he serious? I can't wear that!

Gunnar made a weird paneled skirt that is not nearly as ugly as his sketch.

Nathan made a pretty, if unexciting, mustard-colored dress.

Dmitry made a very nice grey jersey dress that only has one seam, which would be really impressive IF ANYONE CARED!

Ven made a nude cocktail dress that made me want to bang my head against the wall.

Raul is just a disaster.

Elena made a giant grey jacket.

Christofur made a black draped dress and almost made up for it with a nice leather jacket.

So, the best and the worst:

Buffi is out with a totally Buffi creation of pink chiffon over a zebra print. I feel like the judges wouldn't have hated it as much if it weren't so horribly constructed:

Buffi: "It only has seventy-two seams!"

That is surprising. Sonjia wins with another grey knit dress. There was a lot of grey and there were a lot of knit dresses on the runway, but I agree with the judges that this was probably the best. Oh, and did we mention the dress only has one seam?

Hayden Panettiere: "Sonjia, I would be totally honored to wear your dress to a red carpet event."

Sonjia: "OK. Who are you?"

Project Runway Season Ten, episode 3: Welcome Back, Kotter!

John Travolta: "Seriously? You're doing a 'Welcome Back, Kotter' theme this week, just because previous designers are coming back? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and I refuse to be involved. Good luck doing it without me."

Well, up your nose with a rubber hose. OK, so there will be no theme this week. Just the facts. The designers are making red carpet looks for designers from previous seasons to wear to the Emmys. Why these designers will be going to the Emmys is not explained. Also not explained is what the hell Lexus has to do with any of this:

Tim: "Everyone knows that all great fashion design is inspired by Lexus, the greatest car ever in the history of the world. Just look at it. Have you ever seen anything so magnificent?"

It looks like a car.

Tim: "Maybe to the untrained eye. But if you drove it you would understand what it means to truly be free!"

Can we please get on with the show?

Tim: "Not until you go test drive a Lexus."

I AM NEVER GOING TO BUY A LEXUS! JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Tim: "Geez, Louise. I was just trying to add some glamour to your life. Some people just refuse to take my advice. Carry on."

So, anyway, back to the challenge. The designers express their feelings about the red carpet:

Ven: "I've been watching the red carpet arrivals on television since I was a child. I can tell you are intimidated by that, but I don't care."

Kooan: "This challenge makes me sad. And when I'm sad I'm not happy. And not being happy makes me sad. I don't like being sad."

Raul: "I hate the red carpet. This was the one thing I didn't want to do. I was hoping this challenge would take place on the fourth week, after I was already eliminated."

The designers will be working in teams of two:

Christofur and Andrea are working with Anya:

Anya: "I don't really like to show my stomach on the red carpet."

Christofur: "Ha ha! Don't worry, we would never do that. We are only going to show your cleavage and your ass crack."

Anya: "Um..."

Back in the design room, Christofur is mystified by a request to alter the design:

Anya: "Could you cover the cleavage with a piece of fabric?"

Christofur: "What are you talking about? Are you all insane?"

Meanwhile, Andrea is not working fast enough for Christofur. She seems completely oblivious of the fact that they are running out of time:

Andrea: "Merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, merrowing, life is but a dream."

A merrowing machine, by the way, is the same thing as an overlock or serger. I had never heard it called that before, but I looked it up and it turns out the machine was invented by a Mr. Merrow. Isn't it amazing that someone as knowledgeable as I am can still learn things? Life is full of surprises.

Their resulting "gown" is fascinatingly horrid. It is completely inexplicable. Anya suddenly has the bust of Queen Elizabeth II. How is that possible? Did they stuff a diaper into her top?

Sonjia and Nathan are working with Valerie. Absolutely nothing interesting happens.

Elena and Buffi are working with Laura Bennett:

Elena: "Growing up in Ukrain, I spent every day fighting off packs of wolves that were trying to take my food. But nothing could prepare me for the harrowing experience of working with Buffi." 

After all the drama of Elena walking out of the design room and Buffi missing dinner, the resulting gown was not bad. It should have been in the top two.

Ven and Fabio are working with Kenley. They make the same dress she is already wearing, but in a fancier fabric and with added fullness on the top, which, in my opinion, doesn't look good with a full skirt.

Gunnar and Kooan are working with Irina:

Irina: "I can't wait to have you two freaks make me a gown! I am so glad I agreed to this!"

The resulting white gown is not quite the tragedy I expected, but it's still pretty bad. The judges, of course, love it and it is in the top two:

Irina: "Please, I'm begging you, don't make me wear this to the Emmys!"

Alicia and Raul are working with Mila:

Alicia and Raul: "We are actually menswear designers, so we want to make a menswear-inspired look."

Mila: "That sounds great!"

Alicia and Raul: "That's what we want to do. But that isn't what we are actually going to do."

Mila: "oh."

Yeah, this was bizarre. If they had thrown a wad of fabric at Mila it would have looked better than this. No, I take that back. I think that's what they actually did.

Dmitry and Melissa are working with April:

Dmitry: "I found the charmeuse."

Melissa: "Is it chartreuse?"

Dmitry: "No, I couldn't find any chartreuse charmeuse."

Melissa: "If we don't get the chartreuse charmeuse we're going to lose!"

Fortunately, they find some charmeuse in silver and, against all odds, create a beautiful, interesting gown that looked good on April and could be worn on the red carpet. It was by far the best thing on the runway. The judges don't even put it in the top two. Was it not Lexusy enough?

Raul is out. Ven wins.

Kenley, of course, is causing her usual problems:

Kenley: "I love the dress! It's exactly what I wanted!"

God, she's such a bitch.

Project Runway Season X, episode two: Let the Games Begin!

[photo credit: time.com]

Over these buildings, in these streets, on this stage, on this isle of wonder, Manhattan, a decade of beautiful minds have defined the measure of our planet, and stubbornly propelled our fashion progress toward enlightenment, toward lasting achievement. Here, the location of time's most famous square, we divide the hemispheres into whether you are in or out, set our clocks to an imaginary line, 9:00 P.M. Eastern Time, measured in Greenwich Village. but the laws of relativity, not Newton's, apply to a designer's pursuit, an inescapable eternity of repetition, hours, days, years, from margins calculated by inches, centimeters, decimal points, for the promise of moments everlasting. Even when motion is all but frozen, we may still doubt what we see. Two and a half pleats, an asymmetrical hem, a dart slicing two feet, to find a target two and a half inches in diameter. 

And as the competition returns to Parsons for the ninth time in the modern era, the Project Runway theatre will entertain us with a Shakespearian swoop, with effusive, fast emerging designers, honor students with soaring expectations, with a mature feminist who refuses to take the advice of her mentor, a girl trying to recover from a debilitating glue-gun accident, and several disasterous experiments with cotton-candy; on heels, on water, in mid-air, Parsons' lions will be tracked by the lens of a media microscope, where advantage is defined by hundredths of a second. And in design's greatest rivalry, the ultimate competitor, Gunnar, collides with the raw commitment and zen-like cool of Christofur, who soon could be the most decorated designer of this season. 

Here, where monuments were built in an age of mythology, where for ten years a ceremony of keys nightly locks the prisoners in the Atlas tower, here, where fairytales never end, and a group of designers, indomitable, sustain the flame of fashion. Here on the isle of wonder we'll hear again the echos of an ancient ethos: faster, tighter, shorter. Ocius, adstringo, brevis. How fast, how tight, how short, can we extend the very measure of a garment, before slipping into hooker territory? Theirs is a pursuit of timeless achievement, be it astonishing ... magnificent ... everlasting.

Bob Costas: "Parsons, five hundred years ago the residence of Henry VIII. Now, on a Thursday in the summer of 2012 it's where the Project Runway torch began the final leg in the journey that started by tradition in New Jersey, and today the torch continues along the Hudson River, through Lower Manhattan, and east to Dylan's Candy Bar, where, with 15 designers from about five countries, the flame will be lit again and Queen Elizabeth will declare open the second episode of the tenth season of Project Runway. Historic Brooklyn Bridge is adorned with the Project Runway logo for all the city and the world to see, and Kenneth Branaugh is dressed, if I'm not completely mistaken, as Abraham Lincoln. Hi, everybody, I'm Bob Costas and I think you'll agree that my hair is almost a color that can be found in nature."

His hair does look better than usual. Now, before we start, I have to tell you that due to weather conditions, you have been provided with a poncho to wear. Please don't use umbrellas in your house; it will affect your viewing experience and it is also bad luck. Thank you. This week's episode will be produced by famed director Danny Boyle:

Meredith Vieira: "I asked my dear friend Danny Boyle about the challenge of producing this episode of Project Runway. He knows he can't compete with last week's over-the-top episode in Times Square, so tonight you are going to see something more cinematic, a mix of live action and short films. In other words, it's going to be cheap. But Danny said he was feeling very confident."

Michael Kors: "Is it confidence or arrogance?"

Meredith Vieira: "What's the difference?"

Michael Kors: "It's simple: if you think you're great and I agree with you, then it's confidence; if you think you're great and I don't agree with you, then it's arrogance."

Meredith Vieira: "Wow, that is simple."

The episode starts with the designers meeting Ralph Lauren's daughter at her candy store, where you can get a bag of jelly beans for the low low price of $500.

Dylan Lauren: "And all this controversy about my jelly beans being manufactured in China is totally overblown. We're living in a global economy, people! The important thing is that I'm really, really rich."

Look, I'm not judging. Time for the Parade of Nations!

Bob Costas: "Just a reminder: the models will be walking the runway in alphabetical order, based on the Pig Latin form of their names."

Yes, Bob, everyone knows that. Here are some of the comments Bob makes as the designers walk into the Parsons stadium:

Bob Costas: "First up is Gunnar, with a black and white peplum dress made of liccorice. Interesting fact about Gunnar: like most of the competitors tonight, he has never won a challenge, yet he still thinks he is hot shit."

"Sonjia created a pretty blue number out of jelly beans and gummy sharks. This tiny land-locked designer usually does better in winter sports."

"Melissa created a terrific leather-look outfit from licorrice. The king of her country offered untold riches to anyone who brought home a gold."

"Nathan made a really heavy skirt that looks like a giant lampshade. Nathan is the defending table-tennis champion in his parents' basement."

"Andrea made a candy-button apron with an umbrella-fabric bustle. There are four countries sending women to the competition for the first time."

"Alicia made an asymmetrical romper. You can always recognize Team Bermuda because of their shorts."

"Elena has never won a medal in badminton."

"Fabio was suspended from competition for five years because he accidentally took cold medication. Fortunately, the verdict was overturned on appeal and here he is. I made up that story, but that doesn't make it any less interesting."

"Dmitry is representing the country of Belarus. 97% of Americans do not know that county exists."

"Kooan is representing Japan. Japan is not walking together with North Korea this year. Or any other year. Just thought I'd mention it."

"Christofur made a nice dress that looks beaded. He was going for his second gold medal, but he didn't get it."

"Raul created a pretty blue top, but the skirt is ugly. Kim Jong Il is supposed to have shot seven holes-in-one the very first time he ever played golf. That's a lie and I'm not afraid to say it."

"Buffi made a nice woven top but she over-accessorized. Idi Amin once told me that the one thing he can't abide is over-accessorizing."

"Lantie was going to open a shop, but then the market for shops crashed. So it's just bad timing that has kept her from being a really successful shop owner. It has nothing to do with the fact that she can't design clothes. Lantie made a dress out of an umbrella and she is out."

"Ven made a pretty dress that looks like a stained-glass window. He wins the competition and sticks his flag in Glastonbury Tor. Tor is an ancient Celtic word that means 'the cattle are dying.' Stay tuned for Paul McCartney!"

Project Runway Season Ten. And We're back!

OK, I'm sorry but I just don't have time to fart around this season, so here's what's gonna happen: I'm going to make some hilarious comment like "I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue" or maybe a timely reference to the "Charley bit my finger" video, then I'll tell you who won and lost this week's challenge, which you will already know anyway, and then we can all go home and get some sleep. Sound like a plan?

Oh, alright. Fine. Let's talk about what we saw. First the commercials, which are usually the best part of the show. So, you know when you're nude modeling and then the woman who is painting your portrait notices that you have toenail fungus? Yeah, it's really embarrassing. Fortunately, a company has developed a new product specifically for nude modeling toenail fungus. Problem solved!. But now we have an even bigger problem:

Lifetime Television: "Lindsay Lohan IS Elizabeth Taylor!"

OH, MY GOD, NO SHE ISN'T! Why would you even say that?

Lifetime Television: "Seriously. Please watch it."

ugh.

OK, on to the designers. You call these All Stars? I've never even seen these people before!

Gunnar: "You've seen me before, girlfriend. And I'm a huge star!"

Well, yeah, I guess I do remember Gunnar. But, seriously, this season of All Stars is even worse than last season."

Heidi: "This isn't All Stars, you dumb-ass. It's just the regular season. Now, watch this fascinating clip about my photo shoot posing with a bunch of scissors. It's from an eight-part documentary miniseries produced by Ken Burns for PBS. I think you'll learn a lot about how amazing it is to be me."

I smell an Emmy.

So, first we have the Road to the Runway, which was OK. Zanna Roberts Rassi tells us that there were moments of comedy during the audition process. I think they went something like this:

Daniel Franco: "AHHH, MY SPLEEN!!!"

That never gets old. Then Zanna does one of her famous five-second interviews:

Zanna: "Thank you so much for being here, Anya."

Anya: "It's my pleasure."

Zanna: "Well, we've enjoyed catching up. Good luck with your career."

That was fun. So, in between the segments where we meet the new designers and the segments where they show their racks of clothes to the judges, we also get these really annoying segments with Nick and Mondo bickering and telling us how great all these designer are:

Nick: "[So and So's] work immediately made me think that this is what you would get if [this one famous designer you've never heard of] and [this other famous designer you've never heard of] had a baby. That's how good it was!"

Wow, Nick, that was so insightful.

Anyway, back to meeting the designers. So, yeah, we have Gunnar. And then we also have his arch enemy/best friend/who gives a crap Christofur (I spelled it that way because he really likes fur. Isn't that clever?) These two are going to get into some serious catfights:

Gunnar: "meow"

Christofur: "meow"

[photo credit: jhartenfeld]

By the way, I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but there are some really cute pictures of cats on the Internet.

And speaking of cats, we have Andrea, a genuine radical feminazi and reluctant cat lady. Love her!

We also have Dmitri, who is from Belarus and looks very familiar, for some reason. Does that count as being an All Star?

Heidi: "Will you shut up already about the All Stars?"

Fine. Lantie likes to stick a lot of crap on her dresses. I'm already not a fan.

Ven is from a country you've never heard of. Don't even bother asking what country it is. You haven't heard of it. What? He's from Guyana? Oh, never mind. We've heard of that. Apparently the other designers are completely intimidated by his talent. They don't actually appear to be intimidated by his talent, but that's how you can tell they are.

Sonjia can make clothes out of an old couch. So that's pretty cool, right?

Elena makes really great clothes. But I'm not convinced they aren't just copies of costumes from video games or cartoons. I don't play video games, but I have seen Aeon Flux.

Beatrice lives in Los Angeles. Judging from the footage they are showing us, she apparently lives on a boat. She is also the first person to ever work her way through college.

Kooan is from Japan. He's a puzzle. There is a fine line between crazy-fun and ugly-for-the-sake-of attention-seeking. I'm willing to give him a chance, though.

Buffi tells us the exciting news that we can, in fact, mix prints! So, yay!

Fabio has lots of hats and empty picture frames and he's a freegan, which is a real thing.

Alicia makes clothes for lesbians, so I'm pretty much in love with her.

Melissa lives in a flat because apartments are just not Gothic enough for her.

Nathan's relationship with his father was saved by Project Runway. Well, if just one designer's relationship with his father has been saved, then watching this show for ten years has all been worth it.

Raul. I don't know what to say about Raul.

So, they are celebrating the ten year anniversary of Project Runway. For this challenge, the designers were told to send in a look they made at home. Then they have one day and $100 to make a second look that relates to the first look. The runway show is in front of a huge crowd in Times Square, which is pretty exciting.

Heidi: "I have to say I was very impressed ..."

Because it's in your contract.

Heidi: "Because it's in my ... hey, stop that!"

Sorry, I think I make you tell that joke every season.

Patricia Field and Lauren Graham are the guest judges. Christofur wins and Beatrice is out. And that's it.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the clothes. Well, some of the garments the designers sent in were pretty good, but pretty much everything actually made during the challenge was garbage:

Fabio: "Mmmmmm, garbage."