Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Eleven: The shit hits the Dyson Air Multiplier!

The Dyson Air Multiplier allows shit to hit it without that annoying buffeting caused by the blades of a regular fan. Metaphors for dramatic events will never be the same.

We start the episode with the usual shots of the designers waking up and talking about who went home:

Gretchen: "It is such a relief not to have Ivy and Valerie giggling and talking about themselves all the time. Now we can finally all concentrate on talking about what's really important: ME!"

Heidi tells the designers they have to switch models. Are there models on this show? I don't know what she's talking about.

Then Heidi shows us her awful line of clothes for New Balance:

Heidi: "This is active-wear that you wouldn't actual wear to be active in. You know those women who wear sweat-suits to the grocery store for no reason? That's my client."

I really don't get it. You can't work out in these clothes and you wouldn't want to be seen in public wearing these clothes. What are you supposed to do in these clothes?

Heidi: "I don't know what's so complicated about it. My client is the woman who doesn't want to exercise, but wants people to know that she was very influenced by the film 'Flashdance.'"

Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? So, anyway, Heidi goes into the design room and annoys the crap out of the designers:

Heidi: "Mondo, this size six top doesn't fit me and I can't get my head through the neck of this dress."

Mondo: "How is that my problem?"

Heidi: "There's no reason to be rude."

Mondo: "I'm not being rude. I'm just telling you that you are not really a size six and you have a gigantic head."

Heidi wants to know why Gretchen isn't using the fabric that was provided from her line:

Gretchen: "Just pretend this is the other fabric."

Heidi: "But I provided you with that fabric so I wouldn't have to pretend."

Gretchen: "Well, this fabric is better. So you can just look at it and see how superior it is and then just imagine it in your awful fabric."

Heidi: "But it's going to end up being made out of the other fabric anyway."

Gretchen: "FINE! USE YOUR PRECIOUS FABRIC! I'LL SET THIS FABRIC ON FIRE AND THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!"

Heidi: "Don't freak out. I'm just trying to help."

Gretchen: "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!"

OK, I have a question. Why the hell were they shopping for fabric at Mood if they weren't supposed to use it?

Then Heidi compliments Michael on his sewing skills and makes fun of Ivy:

Heidi: "Thank god we don't have to deal with that bitch any more, right?"

Uh, you spoke too soon. Ivy and five other eliminated designers come back to help with the two additional looks that have to be made.

Mondo is working with Valerie, Gretchen is working with Casanova, Christopher is working with Ivy, Michael C. is working with A.J., April is working with Peach, and Andy gets stuck with Michael D.

And now, what we've all been waiting for! Ivy accuses Michael C. of cheating:

Ivy: "So, Michael, how does it feel making it this far?"

Michael: "I'm still in shock."

Ivy: "Why? Because you are a big cheating cheater who cheats?"

Michael: "No."

Ivy: "OK, just asking."

Michael: "You're a [bleeping] [bleep]!"

Ivy: "I've never heard such language in all my life. Someone bring me my smelling salts."

Through the magic of editing, Ivy tells us she believes in karma and then her sewing machine attacks her and she almost loses an eye.

So, apparently it was brought to the produces attention the day after the Jackie challenge that everyone thought Michael's model was taped into her dress. There was circumstantial evidence, but the producers said it was too late to do anything about it.

This sounds like a job for Tim Gunn Lawman! Tim Gunn has never sought publicity for his work with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. However, over the span of almost two decades, he has regularly gone out on patrol and worked major cases:

Tim: "We have taken this case very seriously and we have finally come to the conclusion that we just don't give a rat's ass. Get over it and move on with your lives."

SO THAT'S IT?! WEEKS OF DRAMATIC PREVIEWS LED UP TO THAT?!

Sir James Dyson: "That's the patented Air Multiplier technology in action. It's so smooth you barely notice it."

I WANT TO BE BUFFETED, YOU FREAK! YOUR FAN IS STUPID! PUT YOUR ENERGY INTO A SEWING MACHINE THAT DOESN'T POKE YOUR EYE OUT!

Sir James Dyson: "Would it change your mind if I told you my fan was obscenely overpriced?"

Well, it might.

Sir James Dyson: "You know what? Forget it. You probably can't afford it."

OH, MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!

Time for the runway. The guest judge this week is the noted track-suit designer Norma Kamali. First I have to say that, as weird as this challenge was, and as awful as Heidi's collection is, I actually thought this was one of the better runways this season. I feel like I understand Heidi's collection better after seeing the runway. I can understand wanting to throw on a simple comfy dress to go run errands. For some reason, I didn't get that at all from seeing her original line.

So, Mondo, April, and Andy were the top three.

I liked all three of April's looks. Her dress was really beautiful and her shorts outfit was cute. Unfortunately, neither of those looks had anything to do with this challenge. Only one of her looks fit into Heidi's collection. She's safe.

Mondo did a great job. He was headed toward disaster but changed direction and made three cute looks that fit into Heidi's collection while also being way better than Heidi's collection. The dress was especially cute and looked perfect for just throwing on as you run out the door.

While I would have chosen Mondo for the win, Andy also made three great looks for Heidi's collection:

Heidi: "Congratulations, Andy! I'll be stealing all three of your designs for my clothing line. I would totally split the profits with you if it weren't for the fact that this is just a tax write-off for me."

The bottom three were Michael, Christopher, and Gretchen.

Gretchen had a few interesting ideas, but ultimately nothing quite worked:

Gretchen: "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!"

Michael's color story was revolting but he actually had a couple of nice pieces. I loved the dress.

Christopher's pieces were exactly as boring as you would expect them to be:

Michael Kors: "They are cheap and tacky and nobody would pay more than ten dollars for any of them. In other words, I think they would be perfect for Heidi's collection!"

Seriously, I thought Christopher did the best job of capturing the awfulness of Heidi's clothing line. But he's out.

Finally, a very important message from Lifetime Television:

Don't let your boyfriend punch you in the face. That's not acceptable.

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Ten: The fabric of our lives!

What an emotionally draining episode! I was practically in tears over all the awful outfits this week! OK, obviously I'm talking about the emotional revelation: Uncle Sol learns through his new Facebook account that he's been HIV positive for thirty years and didn't know it. Oh, wait, that's Brothers and Sisters. No, Mondo tells everyone he's been HIV positive for ten years and has been keeping it a secret. I'm glad he got that off his chest. Gretchen, of course, acts like she's responsible for this cathartic moment:

Gretchen: "I'm so glad I could be a part of getting you to open up like this!"

God love her, I know she means well, but it really is hilarious how she manages to make everything about her.

So, yeah, we get the dramatic revelation we were promised, but we have to wait until next week to get the allegations of cheating. For some reason Ivy is going to be majorly involved in the cheating scandal, which is surprising because SHE ISN'T EVEN THERE! What the hell?!

Anyway, we start the episode with Valerie telling us, again, that she should have been out instead of Ivy, and us, again, completely agreeing with her. She's especially upset because they were best friends:

Valerie: "Every week our LatAsian fusion was getting stronger."

The designers are given HP computers with childhood photos that they will use for inspiration for the dreaded textile challenge:

Tim: "Last season Eric3000 rightly pointed out that we weren't actually designing textiles. So this time I'm going to explain the challenge more accurately: you will be creating designs that will be printed on fabric."

Yay! A totally imaginary shout-out from Tim! I live for those!

The designers look at their baby pictures:

Michael: "This is a picture taken the day my mother got upset about me wearing a skirt and made me walk around in my underwear."

Well, thank god she made him take off that skirt or he might have turned into a homosexual! Tragedy averted!

Since Christopher apparently has no family, he just does an impromptu pitch for HP:

Christopher: "My life will never be the same after using this amazing product."

Once more, with feeling!

Tim introduces the special guests:

Tim: "Please be nice to them. I know you probably hate them because they screamed at you for wearing a skirt or they got divorced or did something else to ruin your lives. But please, try to behave yourselves."

The designer's mothers enter the design room. But they don't all enter the room at once, because that would create less drama. First, Gretchen has to be tortured by the idea that her mother was too poor to get a free trip to New York. I felt bad for her. Fortunately, her mother shows up with the second group. Christopher's mother doesn't show up at all and I really want to know why. Instead, his partner visits:

Christopher: "Seeing my partner is like rocket fuel! I am totally energized to make the most boring clothes ever!"

And speaking of the most boring clothes ever, it's time for the runway!

Heidi comes out wearing a dress made of fabric she designed herself using HP technology. Actually, I don't know that for certain, but it's the only way I can explain that getup.

The runway show this week is hard for me to talk about. I have nightmares about it. It was a crime against humanity. One disaster after another. I'm just sick about it.

There was one exception, of course. Mondo's look wasn't just the best one this week or the only look that wasn't terrible. It was actually pretty great. That ridiculously high-waisted pant would not look good on many women (the slightest bump would instantly turn it into maternity wear), but the look was dramatic and fun and there was no competition for the win this week. Congratulations, Mondo!

In my opinion, anyone else could have gone home.

Michael's was fairly inoffensive, but, like all his designs, it was dated.

Gretchen's was boring and I didn't like the fabric, though the judges tried hard to like it.

April's looked like a skating costume for Johnny Weir. I'm sorry her parents got divorced, but I shouldn't have to suffer for it.

Andy was deeply affected by his mother's visit. He obviously needs to limit contact with his mother if he wants to be a designer. His print was nice but I don't understand why his fabric seemed to be different. It seemed to be much softer and silkier and more transparent than the other stiff cottons. And it had nothing to do with the design, because I noticed the difference when they first got the fabric. Did anyone else notice that?

I feel like I'm forgetting someone:

Heidi: "Can you remember anything Christopher has made this season?"

Nina: "I don't even remember Christopher. I thought a male model accidentally wondered into the room."

Oh, yeah. That was almost unforgettably unmemorable.

Christopher: "There's a huge market for boring clothes!"

Nina: "Yeah, but Michael Kors already has that market cornered."

Michael Kors: "Ha ha! Wait ... what?"

Anyway, Valerie is out. Probably wouldn't have been my choice, but, like I said, the bottom five were so boring I didn't really care which one of them left.

Valerie's was a mess:

George Costanza: "The party-supply store called. They want their napkins back."

Yeah, the judges complained about it looking like her napkin dress, but that really wasn't the problem. The problem is that the dress was awful. It was poorly-fitted and the fabric looked stapled together. The neon blue stripes on a black background reminded me of all the terrible prints created in last season's HP challenge. Sorry, Valerie! We'll miss you!

Valerie gives a stirring, never-ending speech, in a valiant attempt to avoid going home:

Valerie: "Christopher, you are the kindest, blandest, handsomest person I know. Your sense of integrity is really inspiring, unless you are accused of cheating next week, in which case you repulse me. Michael, you are not nearly as awful as I thought you were. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Gretchen, you never fail to surprise me with your amazing talent for insinuating yourself into everyone's business. I'm sure you will manage to take my loss and make it all about you and I love you for that. Mondo, you are my favorite gay elf on the entire planet. You should be living in a tree and making cookies. That's how much I adore you. And lastly, April. Anyway, what was I talking about before I started this speech?"

Tim: "Valerie, I'm afraid I have to ..."

Valerie: "Oh, and Tim, how could I forget you?! Let me tell you what you mean to me."

Tim: "but ..."

Valerie: "No, don't speak! Your advice has been so important to me these past few weeks. You are like my father, except that he builds houses for me, which kind of makes your advice about fabric seem trivial. And this cameraman has been like a long-lost brother to me. I don't know his name, but I really don't know what I would have done without him. And the people who bring us food! I literally would have starved to death without them! And there's that guy who stands in the back of the studio. I've often wondered what the hell his job is, but I know I'll miss him dearly and ..."

Tune in next week, when Valerie will still be saying goodbye.

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Nine: Support Gunn's Rights!

A message from the future President of the United States:

Sarah Palin: "Dear fellow citizens (and possibly future former-citizens, if we manage to repeal the 14th amendment), I stand before you today to talk about an issue that is very dear to my heart. I just love this great country too much to stay silent. I'm talking about the censorship of Tim Gunn. That's right, the liberal media elites are trying to take away Tim Gunn's First Amendment rights to complain about the Project Runway producers. I haven't actually read the Constitution 'cause it's kinda boring, but I'm pretty sure there's somethin' about free speech in there. Trying to make Tim Gunn shut up is non-American and non-fair and we can't allow it to continue! If we don't take back our country now, before you know it there will be a mosque on every corner, all our children will be gay-married, and freedom-loving patriots will lose their God-given right to be denied health-care coverage! That's why I'm organizing an event to demand free speech for Tim Gunn! Join me in Washington on October 30th for the Gunn's Rights Rally!"

Oh, I am so there! She is such an inspiration!

Sarah Palin: "Tim Gunn=even more powerful & effective w/out the shackles, so watch out Constitutional obstructionists. And b thankful 4 his voice, America!"

Please stop tweeting.

Sarah Palin: "Um ... tax cuts?"

Go away now.

Heidi introduces the challenge:

Heidi: "I'm going to send you off to meet Tim, who will tell you about this exciting challenge. I won't ruin the surprise, but the winner will get a lot of money!"

Someone's been watching Top Chef. Anyway, Tim tells the designers the challenge:

Tim: "I have an exciting announcement! The winner of this challenge will get a lot of money!"

Designers: "Yeah, we know. Heidi already told us."

Tim: "I can't believe that bitch did that. Well, let me tell you how much it is: twenty thousand dollars!"

April: "What?! Do you have any idea how much a pony costs?!"

The designers compete for the saddest financial story:

Ivy: "I've sacrificed everything to be here."

Andy: "I've been living out of my car."

Mondo: "I've been surviving by eating used chewing gum."

Michael C.: "I'm mysteriously rich!"

So, the challenge is to create a high fashion look for a L'Oreal bullshitorial. They'll have $300 and two days (wink wink).

The looks will be inspired by the words "metallic," "crystal," "matte," "velvet," and "bright."

Tim: "Whatever you do, don't pick velvet!"

Gretchen: "Ooh, I'll pick velvet!"

The designers go to Mood, where Michael infringes on Gretchen's copyright:

Gretchen: "I am the only one allowed to use dark, depressing colors. How dare he!"

Meanwhile, there is a lot of drama going on in the alternate reality of the "coming up" segments:

Tim: "Valerie, you can't just forfeit!"

Valerie: "You can't stop me!"

Valerie runs to the bathroom and Ivy and Gretchen follow her (April couldn't care less). They huddle around a First Response pregnancy test:

Valerie: "I can't believe it! How is this possible?! There isn't a straight man for blocks!"

Heidi: "Yeah, it happens."

Oh, I didn't even notice Heidi in the bathroom. Anyway, Tim enters the design room to make a shocking announcement:

Tim: "I don't know how to tell you this, but Valerie is leaving the competition because she has decided to keep the baby and the doctors have advised her to avoid color-blocking during the first trimester."

Designers: "You can tell how shocked we are by the shocked expressions on our faces!"

So, of course none of that happened. But it made for an interesting commercial break. This is what really happened:

Tim: "Valerie, you can't just forfeit!"

Valerie: "I wasn't planning to."

Valerie cries in the bathroom:

Valerie: "I wasted a whole day on an ugly dress!"

Ivy: "What else is new?"

Tim enters the design room to make an announcement:

Tim: "I have a shocking announcement to make that has absolutely nothing to do with Valerie. You have to make a second ready-to-wear look to complement your high-fashion look. you have $100 and zero days to make it."

Designers: "You can tell how shocked we are by the shocked expressions on our faces!"

On to the runway, with guest judge Naeem Khan:

April and Christopher created looks that were boring enough to be safe this week.

The top three are Mondo, Andy, and ... really? ... Gretchen.

Gretchen created what every woman wants: a flapper-style muumuu. Even without the ridiculous styling, it was too much of a costume. Fortunately, she doesn't win.

Mondo and Andy deserve to be the top two:

Andy created the first "wow" moment on the runway this season. It was so striking I was sure he would win. I appreciated that he didn't interpret "high fashion" as "over-the-top ball gown," as many of the other designers did. I can see how the helmet could complicate a make-up advertisement, though.

Mondo was one of the designers who made an over-the-top ball gown. It was colorful and fun, but the front of the dress really looked bad, which was one reason I thought Andy had this one. But I guess the judges decided the dress could just be shot from the back, which it was. Mondo's ready-to-wear dress was one of the prettiest things he's done. Simple but perfect. Mondo wins! Congratulations, Mondo!

Mondo: "Now I can afford to move out of that shared cardboard box and get my very own cardboard box to live in!"

The bottom three are Valerie, Ivy, and ... really? ... Michael:

Michael, just like Gretchen, does not deserve to be there, but the judges needed a third designer so there he is. Yes, his over-the-top ball gown was pretty ridiculous and the proportions on his ready-to-wear dress were problematic, but when you put them next to Valerie's and Ivy's entries there's no contest. Michael is safe.

Both of Valerie's looks were complete disasters. Concept, fabrication, design, construction, styling, cohesion of the two looks -- everything was bad. I don't know what saved her.

When I first saw Ivy's looks on the runway, I thought she should be out. Both looks were a complete mess. But Valerie's were still worse.

Valerie: "I should have been out."

I'm with you on that.

So Ivy is out. Sorry, Ivy!

Sarah Palin: "What's the difference between Ivy and a pitbull?"

lipstick

Sarah Palin: "Lipstick!"

yeah, we know that one.

Sarah Palin: "The funny part is that it's the pitbull that's wearing the lipstick!"

Project Runway, Season Eight, Episode Eight: Tim is so honored to be in this title!

Tim: "I am so honored!"

By what?

Tim: "Oh, just in general."

alright. So we start the episode with the girls putting on their makeup. Then we go to the other apartment and watch the women put on their makeup. Michael C. makes a clever remark:

Michael C.: "If opaque were a color, it would be named Ivy."

Well, if obtuse were a color, Michael C. would be a triangle with one angle greater than 90 degrees.

Michael C.: "That doesn't make sense."

That's what she said.

Heidi gives the designers a hint about the challenge:

Heidi: "You will need to look to the past in order to secure the future. In other words, you will need to travel in time in order to stop the rebellion of the machines that are trying to wipe out the human race."

With one day and a hundred dollar budget? That's crazy! Sometimes I wish the producers would give the designers just a little more time to save humanity.

Gretchen: "I'm totally up for some robot-killing action. Just don't ask me to make a corset."

The designers meet Tim in the "Capsule Studio," which I assume is some sort of time-travel device:

Tim: "I am just so, so honored to be standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy."

Why are you honored by that?

Tim: "Not just anyone can stand in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy."

I'm pretty sure anyone could do that.

Tim: "Well, I don't see you standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy!"

He's got me there. I have to make a humiliating confession: I have never had the great honor of standing in front of a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy. But I'm hopeful that someday I can make that happen. I can dream, can't I?

Anyway, Tim explains the challenge:

Tim: "The challenge is to create your own personal contribution to classic American sportswear. It should be completely new and personal but completely classic and recognizable. You should use Jacqueline Kennedy as an inspiration, which means you should create something that would be worn by someone today who shares her spirit. But you should also make sure it would be something she would personally wear. Keep in mind that she has been dead for a number of years, so she would probably prefer something comfortable and understated."

I don't understand this challenge. Are they supposed to make something Jackie would actually wear? Or are they supposed to make something that would be worn by a modern-day Jackie? And why are they calling her Kennedy instead of Onassis? Are they implying the major influence should be her time as First Lady? It's always difficult to judge the results when the instructions are so confusing.

Andy tries to help clear things up:

Andy: "Jackie was a risk-taker. She was the Lady Gaga of her time. She would totally wear a dress made out of meat."

No. You're confusing "risk-taker" with "trend-setter." They are not the same.

We learn that Michael D. is hilarious:

Michael D.: "I'm designing truly classic American sportswear. I'm designing for the Pilgrims."

Valerie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my god, stop! You're killing me!"

Seriously, did I miss something? Is he funnier in person? Is Valerie flirting with him?

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "I am so incredibly honored to tell you that you have another day to make a corresponding outerwear piece and protect John Connor from the terminator."

Valerie wonders what to do about the fact that her outfit already has a jacket:

Tim: "Frankly, I'm shocked that you made a jacket. Jacqueline Kennedy would never wear a jacket. Sportswear collections don't include jackets. What were you thinking?"

I really don't understand Tim's reaction to Valerie's jacket. I thought sportswear was a pretty broad category of casual day-wear that can include jackets.

Anyway, the designers make their outerwear and Tim makes his final announcement before the runway:

Tim: "I am just so honored to be standing here in front of the Piperlime accessory wall."

Oh, cut that out! On to the runway, with guest judge January Jones:

Heidi: "Who cares that she doesn't have anything interesting to say? Just look at her!"

she's pretty

Heidi: "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

Gretchen, April, and Michael C. are safe. Now, many of the designers missed the mark on this challenge, but there is nowhere on earth Michael's blue cocktail dress would be classified as sportswear. I guess his coat saved him. Anyway, the three of them are discussing why they are safe and Michael tries to be clever again:

Michael C.: "Gretchen, I know Jacqueline Kennedy would want to own all the clothes you make (psst. I'm totally being sarcastic, ha ha!)"

Oh, Michael, that would be so hilarious if Gretchen actually gave a shit about what you think.

The top three are Christopher, Ivy, and Mondo.

Christopher, like Michael C., made a cocktail dress. However, an over-dressed woman could conceivably wear it shopping or to lunch without looking as though she hadn't changed from the previous evening. Without the dead animal around her neck, of course.

I thought Ivy would win. Her look was very classic and elegant and sophisticated and Jackie. However, it wasn't very young or innovative, so maybe that's why the judges went with Mondo.

To me, Mondo's look was slightly too retro for a modern-day Jackie. But I loved it and I'm happy he won. Congratulations, Mondo!

Valerie, Michael D., and Andy are the bottom three. Heidi is totally freaking out about Valerie's look:

Heidi: "Is that ... oh, my god ... a jacket over a JACKET!!?? I think I'm gonna barf!"

It's actually a vest over a fitted jacket and I really don't see what the big deal is. Look, I completely agree that it's kind of a boring look, but it's just not that bad.

Andy's is bad. Jackie would not be caught dead in his outfit. Literally. Even Jackie's reanimated corpse would have enough sense not to wear that. But, obviously he was going for a modern-day Jackie. Still wrong. A modern-day Jackie would still be elegant and sophisticated. On top of that, it was not well made. Don't get me wrong: I sort of like the idea of the outfit. But it wasn't right for this challenge.

Michael D.'s look, however, was hopeless:

January Jones: "I didn't hate the belt."

Yeah, that's how bad it was. There is nothing else to say about it. He's out. Sorry, Michael D., we'll miss you!

Tim: "I am just so honored to be standing here telling Michael D. to go clean up his space. Michael, I guess this was your Waterloo."

Michael D.: "I'll have to look that word up in the dictionary."

Well, here you go:

wa·ter·loo (wȯ-tər-ˈlü)

n. pl. wa·ter·loos

1. Only the best ABBA song ever

2. Any homosexual who doesn't know that should have his license revoked

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Seven: Taste takes a holiday!

My goodness, there was a lot of controversy last week! Well, you come here to my blog for the facts and that's what I'm going to give you. No embellishment or opinion here. No siree. Just pure, unadulterated information. This is the Fox News of Project Runway blogs. Fair and balanced. Absolute, unvarnished truth.

So what happened last week? Ivy says Michael C. was telling people at the showcase not to vote for her. But we don't have any witnesses who have come forward to support her claim. Does that mean she's lying?

Ivy: "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

That's true, but ...

Ivy: "There are known knowns and unknown knowns. And then there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns. So just keep that in mind before you judge me."

OH, MY GOD! Ivy's interrogation techniques have worn me down! I admit it! I started the rumor! I told Ivy I heard Michael telling everyone not to vote for her.

Ivy: "First you give me food poisoning and now this?!"

I know! I have a problem! I can't help myself! I might as well just tell you all right now that I also stole Ed's pea puree and blamed it on Alex. I don't know why I do these things. It's probably the drugs. I'm always trying to get my next Lunesta fix. Do you have any idea what good pea puree is selling for on the black market? Well, don't try to find out. I don't want to drag anyone else into my life of crime.

Wow, I feel better now. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now we can put this whole ugly incident behind us and move on to the next ugly incident. Which brings us to this week's episode:

Ivy is losing it:

Ivy: "I just need to let everyone know that Korean women are completely crazy. You do not want to make us angry. My mother makes Kim Jong Il look like a Girl Scout. Once, when I was in seventh grade, I refused to do my homework and she blew up my bike. And when a schoolmate teased me once, my mom took him hostage until Al Gore negotiated his release. I'm serious! I am off my meds!"

OK, I don't think Ivy should pretend to be the spokesperson for all Korean women. However, I do believe she could use some counseling for her mother issues.

The designers meet Michael Kors at his yacht. He gives them some super-boring sunglasses and tells them that resort wear is meaningless since it includes anything from bathing suits to ball gowns to ski parkas. I'm just kidding. I get it. But when I was in design school I think it was called "cruise" and it was just an excuse to design summer clothes in the winter.

So we get shots of the designers on the boat and then the camera zooms out and we see that the boat is actually on the back of a trailer being pulled through the streets of Manhattan. Michael props his feet up on the railing and we can see that he is wearing brand new crocodile boots. So that's where he got the money! He drives the boat to Mood and drops the designers off to go shopping.

Just as they get back to the design room and start working, Tim comes in and asks them to gather 'round. The designers have a Pavlovian response to the Dreaded Black Velvet Bag. They will be in teams of two and they will have to make their teammate's design:

Tim: "This is exactly how it works in the real world. The top designers don't actually make their own designs. They get them made by reality show contestants who don't know how to make patterns and can't sew. Get used to it."

The teams are Valerie and Andy; Mondo and Michael C.; April and Christopher; Gretchen and Casanova; and Ivy and Michael D.

Mondo is not thrilled to be paired with Michael C. They have trouble communicating their ideas to each other because Mondo doesn't sketch and Michael C. doesn't do, well, basically, anything. But after Mondo explains how to use a ruler, Michael C. seems to do a pretty good job. Mondo apologizes for being a total bitch and then they are best friends.

Ivy castrates Michael D.:

Ivy: "How would you rate your ability to make pants, with one being as useless as Michael C. and ten being nowhere near as talented as I am?"

Michael D.: "Um ... two?"

Ivy: "That's what I thought. I'll design a skirt instead. No, that will be too complicated for you. Have you ever used a sewing machine? Actually, I don't trust you to sew a seam. Do you know what fabric is? F-A-B-R-I-C? Fabric? Ringing any bells? We'll just stick these two pieces of fabric on the model. Think you can handle that? Oh, forget it. I'll do it myself!"

Meanwhile, Valerie is pondering the meaning of life. She wonders why she can't win a challenge. She says she has sacrificed so many relationships to be there and going home is not an option. She also says something weird:

Valerie: "Things are going to die."

Is that a threat?

Valerie: "No, just a warning."

She makes the dreaded Phone Call of Doom. That always means the designer is going to be right in the middle of the pack. The editing makes that so obvious.

On to the runway. The guest judge this week is Kristen Bell. Don't ask.

We get another unimpressive runway show. Gretchen made a horrible beige snooze-fest and I can't believe she wasn't in the bottom three. The bottom three are Ivy, Mondo, and Casanova.

Ivy's was easily the worst thing we've seen all season. It was literally just two pieces of fabric loosely attached to a model. There was no design at all:

Michael D.: "I feel terrible. But I feel like it's a little bit her fault for not trusting me to do anything."

Ya think? It's entirely Ivy's fault! She didn't give him any design to make. The poor guy is completely brainwashed. Kristen Bell gives her professional opinion:

Kristen Bell: "Ivy, as a designer, it's really important that you are able to communicate your ideas to another person. I know this because I am somehow a fashion expert. Also, I heard Michael and Nina say something like that earlier."

Ivy: "But I had to keep simplifying my design to the point that there was no design at all because Michael D. doesn't have any skills."

Heidi: "Wow, she just threw him under the bus."

Michael Kors: "Yeah, she totally threw him under the bus."

Kristen Bell: "It sure sounded to me like she threw him under the bus."

Nina: "If one more person says that she threw him under the bus I'm going to lose my fucking mind."

Inexplicably, Ivy is safe. Mondo is also safe for his cute but cheap-looking juniors outfit.

Casanova is out because his look really wasn't resort wear. I don't see how it was worse than Ivy's, whose look couldn't even be classified as clothing. But Casanova lasted longer than anyone thought he would. He was fun. We'll miss him.

Andy, April, and Michael D. are the top three. Andy's bathing suit with a sarong was kind of a cliche, but it was a successful cliche. Michael D.'s dress was very pretty. It looked elegant and comfortable.

April wins. I'm happy for her but I don't completely get it. Obviously, Michael Kors encouraged her to make the granny panties, so he had to say he loved them. But they were still granny panties. They were so ill-fitting the model definitely could have been wearing Depends under there. Maybe that's what the judges were looking for in resort wear. I just don't understand how they complained about the little shorts she made for the hat challenge, which were a million times cuter, but love this unflattering mess.

Kristen Bell: "I would totally wear granny panties on the red carpet!"

Oh, please. Kristen Bell is crazier than Ivy's mother.

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Six: The Peculiar Problem of Poor Peplum Peach!

(This post is a ballad dedicated to Peach and it should be sung in the style of a narcocorrido)

Last time A.J. was out and Ivy had an "aha" moment:

Ivy: "Aha!"

Thank you for that, Ivy. Meanwhile, Gretchen just wants you to know how really really hard everyone worked:

Gretchen: "We all worked really really hard. Of course, some of us worked really really harder than others, though I'm not naming names, Michael C."

We start the episode with everyone complaining about Michael C.'s lack of talent. There is one person who disagrees with this assessment:

Michael C.: "I happen to think I'm very talented."

There you go. It's a wash. Actually, Casanova also thinks he's talented. But that's not really something to brag about.

Heidi introduces the challenge:

Heidi: "This week you will have new victims. I mean models. You will be turning their bridesmaid dresses into something that could be worn in public."

The point, of course, is to use as much of the original dress as possible. But, as in past similar challenges, they get to buy two yards of fabric at Mood. Michael D. has a Gone With the Wind (via the Carol Burnett Show) moment:

Michael D.: "I saw this in the window and I just had to have it."

Yes, he plans to make his dress out of curtain fabric, because it's wider, so he can get more square footage out of his two yards. This does not sound promising.

Gretchen talks to her mom on one of those fancy new 3-D telephones:

Gretchen: "Mom, talking to you has made me realize there is more to life than fashion."

Gretchen's Mom: "Honey, I've never heard such horse shit. Fashion is your entire life. You don't have anything else. Snap out of it!"

Gretchen's mom slaps her over the telephone, through the magic of 3-D technology.

Tim announces that there will be a designer showcase, where the victims (I mean models) will have to stand in hermetically sealed vitrines in a gallery space for an unspecified period of time and have a bunch of people stare at them like zoo animals. And only one woman dropped out of this nightmare?

Tim: "The models will get a gift of jewelry from the Piperlime accessory wall."

Haven't these poor women been through enough already?

Apparently, Michael C. is telling everyone at the showcase that Ivy is the bitch of the show, and while he isn't wrong, it's still a terrible thing to say. Seriously though, everyone seems to hear that he is trash-talking Ivy, and unless Ivy is starting the rumor herself (which is possible, but seems unlikely), Michael isn't really helping his reputation with the other designers. And that's fine, if that's his intention. But then he needs to stop whining about the fact that nobody likes him. [update: I've changed my position on the prospect of Ivy starting the rumor from "possible" to "likely"]

The designers use the feedback from the crowd to make some last-minute changes to their garments and then it's time for the runway, with guest judge Cynthia Rowley:

The runway show stank so bad my eyes were watering. OK, it really wasn't that bad, but it wasn't very good.

The judges deliberate:

Heidi: "The other designers were so mean to Michael C. last time."

Michael Kors: "Yeah. I say we totally fuck with them and pretend to love his dress this week!"

Nina: "Well, you know what would absolutely kill them?"

Heidi: "Oh, my god, YES! We'll give him the win and immunity! Hilarious!"

Michael Kors: "Ha ha! Gretchen and Ivy will shit in their pants!"

Heidi: "Cynthia, do you have any problem with acting like you're on crack?"

Cynthia Rowley: "Have we met?"

Heidi: "Ha ha! Just checking!"

Nina: "Is there any way we could bring all the designers back so we could see the looks on their faces? It's going to be priceless!"

Heidi: "Let me check the rules. OK, this could be relevant: rule number five states 'If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him.'"

Nina: "That's a copy of The Rules, you nitwit. Why the hell do you even have that?"

Heidi: "Could you remind me which one of us is married to Seal? Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's just bring the top and bottom back out here and have some fun."

Let the praise for Michael C.'s dress commence:

Cynthia Rowley: "I love how there is just WAY too much going on with this dress!"

Michael Kors: "I think it's amazing how you managed to make this dress look like a burka and yet still expose her vagina!"

Nina: "I am so impressed by the fact that you mixed ten different black fabrics for absolutely no reason."

Heidi: "I want this dress in every color, as long as it's black. Congratulations, Michael C. You are the winner! Please go give Gretchen and Ivy the thrilling news and make sure you get it on camera for us."

So Mondo, who clearly should have won this week for his adorable and perfectly constructed pink and black dress, is in second place. The judges use his weird styling choices as an excuse. But, come on, it's Mondo. His styling choices are always weird. That's why we love him. Also, he won the showcase part of the challenge, which was supposed to impact the judging but obviously didn't.

Valerie is in the bottom for her hideously unflattering dress, but she's safe.

Michael D. managed to to take an ugly dress and make it worse. He chose exactly the wrong silhouette for a plus-sized model (or really any model over the age of five) and he covered the dress in fabric that looks even cheaper than the original fabric. His model is a lovely woman and he could have made her look really good if he had chosen the right silhouette. Instead, he made every possible wrong decision:

Michael D.: "How can I put this delicately? My model required A LOT of fabric."

Yeah, not so delicate. Look, I get it. Two yards of fabric would go farther on a size two model. But the point was to use as little new fabric as possible, so it shouldn't have been a major issue. Anyway, he's safe.

That leaves us with the peculiar problem of poor Peplum Peach. Why is she trying to bring back the peplum? IT'S NOT FLATTERING! You know she wouldn't be caught dead wearing the things she sends down the runway. We love her and she had a good run, but it was time for her to go. We'll miss you, Peplum Peach!

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Five: Restaurant Wars!

It's a big week here at Eric Three Thousand! After seventeen years writing this blog the stat counter is finally going to hit ... wait for it ... ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND! I know what you're thinking: "That's it?" Well, I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do! You expected me to wait until it reached a million? I don't have that long to live. Seventy or eighty more years, tops. And by the end I'll probably just be a brain hooked up to electrodes floating in a jar of saline solution and blogging will be a distant memory. So I'm going to celebrate whatever milestones I can.

So here goes: WOO HOO! OK, that's enough celebrating. I'm tired. But I would like to thank you, my readers, for making this possible. If each of you would just visit my blog a few thousand times a day, we might make it to a million. I also want to thank the good people at Blogging Project Runway for linking to my posts every week. This blog wouldn't exist without them.

Tim Gunn: "Don't forget to thank your sponsor, Garnier Fructise!"

Oh, please. Anyway, last week Kristin was out and Michael C. won. The rest of the designers were so upset by his win that they all committed suicide.

Michael C.: "I was hoping they would be happy for me. The fact that they all killed themselves hurts my feelings a little."

This week the designers are back from the dead. It's television. Don't expect realism. They will be working in two teams of six for our favorite challenge, Restaurant Wars! Each team will choose a theme and ingredient and then create a six course meal that is on trend for fall 2010.

First, they pick teammates. April wonders why anyone would pick Gretchen:

April: "Oh, my god. Who would want to be on a team with Hitler? Although he did have a good eye for graphic design. Still, totally not worth it."

OK, the comparison between Gretchen and Hitler is totally ridiculous and offensive. I'm going to go with it.

Here are the teams:

Team Hitler: Gretchen, Christopher, Andy, Michael C., Ivy, and A.J.

Team Total Losers Without a Chance in Hell: Peach, April, Mondo, Michael D., Valerie, and Casanova

You would think Team Hitler would be so ruthless and single-minded that they would have the obvious advantage. But you never know when someone on the team will do something stupid like bomb Pearl Harbor. So, anything could happen.

The themes they can choose from are:

Baby Got Back
Performance Art
Asian Fusion
Operation Iraqi Freedom
Menswear

The ingredients they can choose from are:

Zebra
Lace
Arsenic
Plaid
Geoduck
Dirt

Team Hitler picks Menswear and Dirt.

Team Total Losers picks Military and Lace.

Some Garnier guy tells the designers that this week the styling should be on trend, unlike most challenges, where the goal is to look dated.

On Team Total Losers, Valerie suggests that each person create his or her own dish and they will just try to coordinate them so they create a cohesive meal. Peach gets upset:

Peach: "That's not how a team works! We need some big bossy bitch to tell us exactly what to do!"

Well, Valerie has more important Diva's to deal with. After Tim tells Casanova that his dish is a little old and needs to be euthanized, Casanova has a total meltdown:

Casanova: "Everything I do is either for whores or old ladies. Or elderly whores. Sometimes for elderly flamenco dancers who work part time as whores. Oh, what's the difference. I'm fat."

Peach: "That's not true, Casanova. Once you made something for a young flamenco dancer. Sure, it was a flamenco dancing whore, but at least it was a young one. And don't forget all your work for drag queens. However, I have to agree you are looking fat."

Casanova: "I'm just going to sprawl here like Cleopatra. Someone fan me with a palm frond. Let me know when it's time to win the challenge."

Valerie: "Oh my god? We are all counting on him? And if one person doesn't do the work? Then we can't win? And then one of us will go home?"

Is she asking us or telling us?

Fortunately, Casanova's model just happens to be Suze Orman and she saves the day:

Suze Orman: "Girlfriend. let. me. tell. you. what. to. do. First, make sure you are getting the maximum matching contribution from your employer to your 401 account. Second, stop wasting money on your automobile lease. And finally, just go finish this stupid challenge, you big baby."

Casanova: "Oh, my god, she's right! I've been such an idiot! I shouldn't be leasing a car!"

The guest judge this week is James Beard Award winner Georgina Chapman.

Team Total Losers serves its meal first. It's pretty successful. There are a few really nice things and it's a pretty cohesive menu. The judges are especially impressed that Peach and Casanova didn't create complete nightmares.

Gretchen is convinced her team will win.

Team Hitler serves next and it is a complete disaster. Everything is bland, cold, and overcooked. Nina gets a piece of gristle stuck in her teeth:

Nina: "Inexcusable!"

Team Total Losers wins. Duh. Casanova is the individual winner. It was pretty obvious that was where the editing was leading. But I still couldn't quite believe it until it actually happened.

Gretchen: "I am a little surprised we didn't win."

No shit.

Team Hitler spokesman, Gretchen, makes her case:

Gretchen: "I was up all night writing lists. In my own blood. That's how dedicated I am. For my first list I just wrote over and over again that we all worked really, really hard. Next, I listed all the things that make this the best and most cohesive team effort ever; how we are so proud of everything and stand by every perfect detail; and how we all contributed equally to the effort so there is no way any of us could pick a weak link on the team."

um ... ok

Gretchen: "Then I will follow that with my list of everything that went wrong with the tragedy you see before you; all the ways we completely screwed up; and how ashamed we all are of the mess we created. After that, of course, I will start cannibalizing my teammates; encouraging everyone to turn on Michael C.; and then telling you everything I did, so that you will know I was basically carrying the whole team."

Michael Kors: "My god, she's a big bossy bitch. I am so turned on right now."

Yeah, so anyway, A.J. is out. Too bad.

Tim makes an unusual announcement:

Tim: "Team Hitler, what happened to you? You had this peace agreement and then you just let Gretchen go and invade Poland. I'm very disappointed."

Wow, Tim is being very critical today!

Tim: "And Casanova, that green sweater makes you look fat."

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Four: Jetblue's "All You Can Design" pass!

I don't have time to write this week's post because I'm too busy planning my Jetblue "All You Can Fly" schedule. I'm going to fly to 216 cities in one month and in each city I will create a garment in fifteen minutes using one dollar in materials. You could follow me on Twitter if knew what that meant. What? The pass just sold out? Oh. Never mind.

First, let's find out what happened to Ivy. As usual, it's all my fault. I made her eggs Benedict and she ended up in the hospital. Sorry about that. I'm a little bitter about the fact that I got salmonella-contaminated eggs from Iowa at my Trader Joe's, when I thought I was buying locally-produced salmonella-contaminated eggs.

Ivy is fine now and is back up to two packs a day. Good for her!

So, Heidi comes out onto the runway in slow motion to a Seal song wearing a flower on her head. It was a little weird. Then the models come out wearing more Philip Treacy hats. Some of them are amazing and some of them are, well, not so much.

Michael C. tells us this is the holy grail for designers, which makes me wonder if it's even more exciting than creating terrible digital designs to be printed onto stiff cotton fabric. It's not.

By the way, Michael C. will either win or lose this challenge, because he gets to talk to his son on the phone. How the hell does a 27-year-old gay guy have a six-year-old son? That just makes my ovaries hurt.

Anyway, the designers have the opportunity to work with the hat of their choice, which is really important, since that's the entire point of the challenge. But the designers completely ignore the challenge and just pick the same models they've been working with. Basically, they're saying the hats don't matter:

Philip Treacy: "You people can bite me."

Seriously, it's very disappointing that none of the designers wanted to take a chance and pick a hat that would inspire them. It should come as no surprise, then, that the designs themselves were uninspiring. After one of the best runways in several seasons last week, this week's runway was a big can of suck.

Gretchen, of course, has an opinion:

Gretchen: "Peach, Kristin, and April will be on the bottom. Also, I think Barack Obama might be a Muslim."

I'm just joking, of course. I don't think Gretchen is a member of the Tea Party. She just has a lot of annoying opinions.

Sarah Palin: "Gretchen: don't retreat ... reload. (Steps aside bc her 1st amend. rights ceased2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence isn't American, not fair.)"

That's an excellent point, Sarah!

Tim is still having trouble getting through to Casanova:

Tim: "Casanova, I just have one question for you: why?"

Casanova: "You think? No, I don't think so."

Tim: "This dress looks like old Donna Karan."

Casanova: "Yes, I like it, too."

Tim: "Why am I here?"

Casanova: "Thank you, Tim."

Peach squeezes her model into a dress that is way too small:

Model: "Aah, my spleen!"

She'll be fine. As they leave the design room, Ivy drops something and has to pick it up:

Tim: "That's a Project Runway first!"

Oh, Tim. Really.

On to the runway, where we finally figure out why the judging is so off this season: Nina can't actually see the runway because the light is shining in her eyes:

Nina: "The glare from Michael's gorgeous bronzed skin is blinding me!"

The top three are Valerie, Michael D., and Michael C.

Michael D. made a top that looked like cardboard and a crushed orange skirt. I was worried that the top would be too much of an imitation of the hat, but it ended up working pretty well. It was interesting and, even though it wasn't great, he probably should have won.

Valerie made a red dress and white jacket that didn't really seem to be inspired by her hat (actually a mask). I guess it was well made, but it shouldn't have been in the top three.

Michael C. made a pretty dress. It was totally boring but I guess it worked with the hat so he won. Congratulations for having one of the least terrible looks this week. Whatever. The real tragedy is that he will have immunity for whatever nightmare he creates next week.

The bottom three are April, Christopher, and Kristin.

April's shorts outfit had some fit problems but was much more interesting than almost anything else on the runway. I don't think she should have even been on the bottom. Fortunately, she's safe.

Christopher's outfit was really bad. The fabric could have been nice, but the silhouette was just awful. The fact that the other designers thought he could win the challenge makes me think they borrowed the judges' crack pipe this week. But he's safe.

Kristin screwed up again. I really like the way she works with draping, but this dress was just messy and the fabric was completely wrong. I was really looking forward to seeing some interesting work from her, but she's out of second chances this week. Sorry Kristin.

Ivy: "I can't believe I wasn't in the top three! Pass the crack pipe!"

Project Runway Season Eight, Episode Three: Dazzles!

Before we get to this week's episode, let's answer a letter from a reader:

Dear Eric3000, you often mention your love for jumpsuits,

but do you think you would look good in one?

--Passionately Seeking Your Considered Humble Opinion

Thank you, PSYCHO. I think this recent photo of me with my mother and baby sister will answer your question:

(Easter 1971, courtesy EricImages)

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you rock a jumpsuit. You're welcome.

I have to say I was really impressed with most of the garments this week. However, I think I missed much of the detail because I had to watch the show in its heavily pixilated online incarnation because our DVR, for some reason, didn't record the show last night.

Gretchen: "That's just an excuse."

No, really, I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying my recap would be much better if I had seen the show in HD, but I couldn't because Lifetime doesn't do an encore broadcast (that would cut into the Reba reruns), our stupid DVR hates me, and Other Eric insisted on watching the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance. That's all I'm saying.

Gretchen: "You're just blaming everyone else. Take responsibility for your own recap."

Oh, mind your own business.

Anyway, we start the episode with Gretchen convinced that everyone loves her:

Gretchen: "It's so refreshing that the other designers can set aside their completely understandable jealousy of my superior talent and give me all the love and support I deserve."

Sure, let's go with that.

Then two models we never met go home. Boo hoo.

Then the designers visit Dazzles, that store in the mall that sells wigs on one side and dresses on the other. They have to make garments out of whatever crap they can find.

Tim reminds the designers (because some of them act like they've never seen the show) that the judges don't respond well to garments that look like they were just made out of fabric substitutes, such as plastic tablecloths. Casanova immediately decides to make a garment out of plastic tablecloths.

Despite the other designers' suggestions otherwise, I do think Casanova is having trouble understanding English. I don't know why Nina Garcia can't just follow him around and translate everything for him. It's not like she has anything else to do.

Nina Garcia: "Excuse me, but I am the fashion director for Marie Claire magazine!"

Yeah, that's not a real job.

Back in the design room, everyone tells AJ that this is totally his challenge, and then everyone complains that he won't shut up about it. If they didn't want to hear about it, they shouldn't have brought it up.

AJ: "Thank you. So, you see, this is totally my aesthetic, but I'm usually the only person doing it, so now that everyone is doing it, it makes it so much harder for me to do it, because then it won't really stand out, and I'm all about standing out, and the materials are supposed to actually look like the materials, but I feel like this challenge is about transforming the materials, and so maybe this really isn't my challenge."

OH, MY GOD! SHUT UP!

Kristin is using a product called "Animal Wooly Balls" for a belt. Tim is fascinated:

Tim: "Kristin, I just love your Wooly Balls! They're so warm. Ooh, and a little salty!"

OK, that's enough of that.

This season's anonymous models bring the designers gift bags filled with junk, which the designers have to use to make accessories.

Then Gretchen, for some reason, tells the designers to clean up their work spaces:

Gretchen: "And my feet ache. Someone bring me a pig!"

Andy and Ivy are creating really time-consuming dresses. Ivy gets help from her model and Andy gets help from some of the other designers. I think it's nice that the other designers can see what a beautiful piece he's making and they don't want it to go out unfinished:

Gretchen: "I have an opinion about that!"

What a surprise.

On to the runway with guest judge Betsey Johnson, who knows what makes a good cocktail dress:

Betsey Johnson: "I think you should be able to use a cocktail dress to wipe cocktail sauce off your hands. Otherwise, what's the point?"

Exactly! So, there are several terrific garments to choose from this week and the top three are Valerie, Andy, and Gretchen. Andy wins! Congratulations, Andy! His dress was beautiful! However, Gretchen's look was fantastic and I think she easily could have won again. Fortunately, the judges don't go for a "Project Runway First" (I think that would have been a first, right?), even though they had every right to and it would have been dramatic:

Heidi: "Wow, can you imagine how big a bitch she would be if she'd won three challenges in a row?"

I think it would have been an unprecedented level of bitchiness. I guess we'll never know.

The bottom three are AJ, Casanova, and Sarah:

Heidi: "AJ, your garment really sucks."

AJ: "Thank you. My model has very small breasts. I've completely lost my mind."

Yeah, this challenge really unhinged him. But he's safe and hopefully can do better next week.

Casanova squeaks by again.

Sarah is out. I'm sad because I really liked her, but her dress was awful. It was so boring.

Anyway, it's time for the Ivy show!

Ivy: "I was so shocked that I wasn't in the top three, I fainted!"

Seriously, she'll be fine! Tim didn't even know anything happened to her. Maybe she's pregnant! You have to be so careful around Casanova!

Project Runway Season Eight, episode two: Infinity season!

Jason: "I'm making an 'infinity dress,' inspired by season eight of Project Runway. See, because each episode of season eight seems to go on forever."

Seriously. Anyway, the challenge this week is to make dresses for the wedding of Adam Shankman and Nigel Lythgoe:

Nigel: "I told you I'm not marrying Adam! I could never live with someone that inconsiderate. I worked all day on that shepherd's pie and he didn't even appreciate it. It was my mother's recipe and that really hurt my feelings. Plus, he totally hogs all the covers."

Well, it looks like the wedding is off, so we'll have to come up with another challenge. Fortunately, Joanna Coles, editor of Marie Claire magazine, is here to tell us the designers will be creating looks that define the Marie Claire woman. But who exactly is the Marie Claire woman?

Joanna Coles: "The Marie Claire woman is ambidextrous, hypoglycemic, semi-illiterate, and recently deceased."

Fantastic. Oh, and the winning design will get a billboard in Times Square!

Ivy: "Wow! Do you know how many millions of people go through Times Square every day?!"

Yes, I do, because I just looked it up. And as I suspected, millions of people don't go through Times Square every day. According to the Times Square Alliance, which promotes advertising in Times Square, the number is closer to 500,000.

Ivy: "Jeez! Don't get your panties in a bunch. I just meant lots of people go through Times Square."

After a trip to the real Mood, the designers start annoying each other in the work room:

Casanova: "AJ, should this pattern piece extend over the shoulder?"

AJ: "OH MY GOD! I'M NOT MAKING YOUR WHOLE OUTFIT FOR YOU!"

Yeah, so it seems at first that AJ was overreacting just a tiny bit. But Casanova does seem to require advice from the other designers on every little decision he makes. I can see how it would get on your nerves. Gretchen, however, loves the attention. Apparently, people with questionable taste find Casanova charming.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "I know I'm going to regret asking this, Jason, but what the hell are you making?"

Jason: "Well, Tim, you know how straight men are from Mars and the fashion industry is from Venus?"

Tim: "Sure."

Jason: "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm from outer space and that's why I don't understand how gravity works."

Tim: "It's all making sense now."

Gretchen thinks Nicholas stole her ideas for the outfit he's making. Only someone with her questionable taste would claim credit for that disaster:

Gretchen: "Will you please stop saying I have questionable taste?"

Sorry. I thought it was a nicer word than "pedestrian."

Tim comes in to announce this week's twist:

Tim: "Please hand your partially-finished garments to the designer on your left."

OK, he actually tells them they will be doing a photo shoot.

Back in the apartment, Mondo is lonely. He's not connecting with the other designers. I honestly feel for him. But, Mondo, there is a remedy. And it's right there in the kitchen. It's called alcohol. drink two glasses of wine and call me in the morning.

The next day, the designers are getting ready for the photo shoot and Tim gives his last words of advice:

Tim: "Please remember to use the . . . what the hell is the wall called now?"

The Piperlime Accessory Wall

Tim: "sigh . . . ok, use that. whatever."

Remember how everything on the runway was just mediocre last week? Well, that wasn't a problem this week. This week everything was outright tragic. Which, I guess, is refreshing.

OK, there were a few exceptions. The judges pick Valerie, Gretchen, and Mondo as the top three. I think that's a good selection.

Valerie's red dress was pretty great; it had a clean silhouette, but had really cool details that were part of the design, as opposed to being stuck onto it.

Mondo's cute little outfit with a tiered tweed skirt was perfectly proportioned and styled. It was very fun and young. He also had the best photo shoot and I think he should have won just for that.

Gretchen made a navy jumpsuit just to try to get my attention. Fine. I like it. Happy now? Honestly, I didn't think it was so flattering on the runway, but once I saw the billboard in Times Square, I could see why the judges picked this as the winner. You can really do some major dance moves in that garment. Most Marie Claire readers are acrobats, right?

Congratulations, Gretchen! I just hope this doesn't go to your head. (breaking news: it will)

While almost any of the other looks could have ended up on the bottom, the judges pick a pretty good bottom three: Jason, Nicholas, and Peach.

Peach is just completely lost. She seems to only know how to make one dress. I'm not hopeful she will last long. But she's made it through one more week.

Jason's dress is absolutely as awful as you would expect it to be. But is it awful enough to keep him in the competition? Thankfully, no.

Nicholas's outfit is a total mess. He made three busy pieces that clashed with each other. The cape made no sense for this challenge. But after Jason was eliminated, he probably felt a sense of relief and assumed he was safe. Which made it even worse when he was also eliminated. Poor guy. Looking on the bright side, have I mentioned Jason is gone?

Gee, I wonder why they would need to get rid of two designers right away. Could it be because they started out with one too many designers and last week was really the first episode of the show and not an "audition," as we were told?

Heidi: "Are you calling me a liar?"