Thursday, December 28, 2006

Project Runway Recap, Season One, Episode 8: Going Postal: or [insert better title here; seriously, you can do better than that]!

Previously on Project Runway:

Everyone hates Wendy.

What? You were expecting more? Nope; that's pretty much all you need to know.

On to this week's episode:

Robert tells us AGAIN how important this next challenge is.

Jay: "No, seriously, what the hell is he doing here?"

The designers get brown paper packages tied up with string. I don't think anyone will be surprised to learn that this is one of Austin's favorite things. They try to guess what is in the packages:

Robert: "Do you think it could be a sports car?"

Jay: "I think there are babies inside. I can hear crying."

Austin: "No, that's just Wendy. I know; let's all gossip about her! It'll be fun!"

Wendy: "OK, I just have something to say. Someone ruined this photograph of my daughter and I want to try to milk this for everything it's worth. This is the only photograph ever taken of my daughter and it was taken using the daguerreotype method, which means there is no negative. And because this picture is my most prized possession I've never made a copy of it because that would make it less special. So, my point is, whoever did this has destroyed the memory of my daughter. In fact, I can't even remember what she looks like anymore."

Austin: "Wow, Wendy, that's a terrible story."

Wendy: "Thank you for understanding, Austin."

Austin: "No, I mean your story sounds like bullshit. This photographs is so precious to you but you never made a copy of it?"

Wendy: "I was busy."

Robert: "Whoever did this should rot in hell forever. But it could have been anyone."

Really? OK, then it was probably the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Robert: "Well, not anyone. but it could have been one of the models."

He has point. I actually thought it could have been Morgan after the way Wendy led her on and then dumped her at the beginning of the last episode. And she's vapid enough to do something this thoughtless. But would she have had access to the design room after she was kicked off the show? It's hard to imagine anyone else doing it. I guess this will just have to remain one of the great unsolved mysteries. It's just too bad Bravo doesn't have cameras constantly recording everything. What? They do?

Back at the apartment Jay is goofing around and when Robert comes out of the shower Jay rips his towel off of him. He's completely naked and we get a really nice view of his ass as he runs back to the bathroom. Right, so now we're rewinding that part to make sure we didn't miss anything important and ... um ... sorry, what was I talking about? Huh? Oh, yeah, I was saying that I think Robert is really talented and I'm really going to miss him. Wait, is that what I meant to say?

OK, that's enough drama. We actually have a fun challenge this time. The designers have to redesign postal uniforms. They are each given a different uniform to wear and it is amazing how well they seem to fit their individual personalities. Someone did a good job picking these out. Austin is wearing the gayest postal uniform I have ever seen. Or maybe Austin just magically makes everything he wears look like the gayest thing I've ever seen. Either way, he looks great! They have to go on rounds with some postal carriers. Wendy is taking this very seriously and asking lots of questions. She decides the current uniforms are good the way they are and don't need to be redesigned. All she needs to do is make them a little bit uglier and they'll be perfect!

Tim: "Wendy, those hideous sneakers may be fine for you but a postal worker could never wear something that awful. This challenge has nothing to do with comfort and practicality. I suggest you use some silver pumps. And Jay, Julia probably won't show up. Sucks to be you. Carry on, everyone!"

So, Julia is the new Morgan. This is why I thought Morgan made it to this challenge. I don't see why this is Jay's problem. The producers should find a new model for him. Robert is going through his little black book trying to find a replacement:

Robert: "Why do these girls keep hanging up on me? Sorry, Jay, you're out of luck."

Jay's out on the street looking for models:

Jay: "Hey, anyone want to be a model? It pays nothing. Come on! Man, these people all look like stockbrokers. Where are all the supermodels wandering the streets that you see in the movies?"

Wendy is also out on the street but she's trying to make up for her terrible design by practicing the speech she's going to make to the judges. She's out on the street talking to herself. If it weren't for her Cruella deVille hair you would not be able to distinguish her from the authentic New Yorkers. The other designers decide this finally proves she is insane.

Jay is unsuccessful with the model search. This next part works out so perfectly that it almost seems scripted. Jay uses Austin as his model. Austin happens to be exactly the same size as Julia, who also has no hips or breasts. Jay's outfit is very unisex and looks terrific on Austin. In fact, as Jay points out, Austin has never looked more butch as he looks now in an outfit designed for a woman. This would not have worked in most of the other challenges, which makes me think this is just too perfect to be true. Anyway, I think Jay could have won this one (again). But Kara wins it (again). Hers is also very good, though I don't like the big, baggy pants; I think they could be impractical.

Austin creates an updated postal carrier look. Updated to 1956, that is. Other Eric thinks it looks like something Doris Day would wear if she were playing a postal worker.

Michael Kors: "It looks like something Doris Day would wear if she were playing a postal worker."

Other Eric: "Hey, I just said that!"

Wendy just takes the current uniform, moves a pocket, and adds pleats to the sides of the shorts.

Michael: "Pleats on the sides?! Oh, my god, everyone was right; you need to be committed to an insane asylum!"

Nina: "Robert has no business being here. Jeez, Michael, I leave you with Anne for a few weeks and this is what happens? Do I have to do everything myself?"

Well, welcome back, Nina! Thank goodness she came back or Robert might have won the entire competition. So anyway, Robert is out:

Robert: "Are you hiring ... at the post office?"

Post Office Lady: "Ha, ha. That's funny. You're asking me for a job and at the same time you are insulting me by condescendingly implying that a job at the post office is beneath you and would be easy to get. Yeah, try McDonalds."

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Everything must go: the after Christmas sale at Eric Three Thousand!

This is just a random posting about nothing in particular. You've been warned.

OK, so I wrote a Christmas letter and it was really funny (I'm not going to print it here so you'll just have to take my word for it). I've gotten really positive feedback from friends and family, saying it's the funniest thing they've ever read, etc. But I'm also getting this question (mainly from people who don't read this blog): "How can you be so funny when you write but be so boring in person?" Alright, I'm paraphrasing; nobody actually called me boring. They used euphemisms like "quiet" but I know what they mean. I can't explain it. I'm very shy and have trouble talking to people but I can express myself a little better in writing. This is why I'm allowing myself to waste so much time on this blog when I have so many other things I could be doing.

Eric and I had a nice Christmas. I had shipped my mother off to the Midwest (fortunately avoiding a Denver layover) and Eric's parents are in another state so we spent Christmas Eve at a friend's house and had a lovely time. Too much wine and coffee contributed to the fact that I didn't sleep much that night and we were up very early Christmas morning. I was making my traditional Hawaiian breakfast of SPAM while Eric was gagging in the other room and then we watched Miracle on 34th Street while we opened presents.

Then we were off to the first non-preview showing of Dreamgirls at the Arclight in Hollywood. They had been playing it for two weeks so I don't know why they suddenly had technical difficulties but apparently they had the wrong lens and this cut off the tops of people's heads. Because of that we got free tickets for the future and we were still able to enjoy the show. I thought it was pretty good. I wish the music had been more memorable but it was still fun and the acting was good. Eric, of course, had seen the musical on Broadway when he was a child. His parents made sure he grew up to be as gay as possible by taking him to all the musicals. Jennifer Hudson should not have been nominated for best supporting actress, though. She was definitely the star. Yeah, I understand why they do that; this way she has a chance of winning, but I still think it's wrong.

Holiday shopping was not too bad this year. I don't get presents for too many people. I decided to get Eric something nice from Lacoste because he loves their clothes but thinks they are too expensive (which they are). Anyway, I thought I would get him an expensive sweater there because he would never buy that for himself. And then I would be done shopping. Or so I thought. After buying a sweater at the boutique in the Beverly Center, wrapping it, and putting it under the tree, I decided he was going to hate it. So I thought I would try another location to see if they had a better selection. I went to Rodeo Drive. I never shop on Rodeo Drive. Even though I have handfulls of cash, the stuck-up sales girls there look at me with contempt and refuse to help me just because I'm wearing a slutty miniskirt and gogo boots. Boy were they sorry later that day when I showed up in expensive clothes and carrying bags from designer stores! OK, fine; I'm making that up; the salespeople on Rodeo Drive are perfectly friendly. So anyway, the Lacoste boutique there had the same clothes so I decided not to exchange the sweater. I did, however, take clothes back to Club Monaco because I had spent too much money on myself the last time I went shopping. Unfortunately I just ended up buying more! Someone stop me!

So my recent splurge at Club Monaco forced me to go through my closet and get rid of tons of junk. I've realized that I used to be a collector but now I'm a tosser. Wait, that doesn't sound right. What I mean is I like to toss things out. Yeah, that's better. I used to hoard all kinds of junk and buy crap I didn't need. Partly it has to do with the fact that I didn't have much for many years and it was comforting to have possessions. Partly I inherited this from my mother, who grew up after the depression but on a farm, where she learned to use and reuse and not be wasteful. Or maybe it has nothing to do with growing up on a farm and she's just crazy. Anyway, I grew up not getting many new things but also not getting rid of anything. Now nothing gives me more pleasure than going through closets and cabinets (and the refrigerator) and getting rid of everything I possibly can. And this is also why I try to avoid giving and receiving gifts whenever possible: I don't want any more stuff!

I hope you made it through Christmas without accumulating too much crap! Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas: the Christmas episode of Eric Three Thousand!

No, actually this is just a little holiday greeting and a note about upcoming recaps of our favorite Bravo shows. The fabulous Project Rungay boys are taking a well-deserved break this week so there was no Project Runway season one recap this week. Tune in Thursday for the recap of episode 8. Also, Top Chef is on break until January 3rd. Unfortunately I won't be able to watch that episode or the next until I'm back from my London holiday so there won't be Top Chef recaps until at least January 11. I'll try to keep up with the Project Runway recaps by watching them before I leave and just posting them while I'm away. Also, I'll probably take the break from recapping next week to blog about miscellaneous crap.

So, enjoy the day tomorrow, whether or not you celebrate Christmas! We have a mixed Jewish/communist household here (OK, Other Eric wants me to clarify that he identifies as Jew-ISH and that I'm not really a communist but just a liberal with socialist leanings) but we still have our Christmas tree up and will be opening presents tomorrow morning. Then we will be celebrating the day the gayest way we could think of: by seeing Dreamgirls! All the best to you and yours!



Friday, December 15, 2006

Project Runway Recap, Season One, Episode 7: Back to the Future: or Apocalypse When?

I'm recapping along with the Project Rungay boys, who are blogging season one on DVD. Check them out, if you haven't already, and make sure to order season two on DVD because they'll be doing that next! Now, on to episode 7:

Robert: "The next challenge is the hardest, except for the one after that. And then comes the really hard one."

Jay: "Can someone explain to me what the hell Robert is doing here?"

Wendy: "Obviously Austin and Kara are going to the finale and I'm just hoping to get that third spot. Since Austin is consistently in the bottom two and Jay is consistently in the top two I've decided Austin is the favorite and Jay doesn't have a chance."

They pick models. This completely shocked me. I really thought Morgan was sticking around to screw up some more. But she's gone!

The designers are working on one big group project but at least everyone is making his or her own garment so it isn't too bad.

Tim: "You're designing for the year 2055 and you'll be using vintage clothing to make the garments."

Kevin: "But futuristic is the opposite of vintage."

Tim: "That's right, dumb-ass."

Robert: "Are we allowed to alter the vintage clothing?"

Tim: "Uh, yeah, that's the point. Any more stupid questions?"

Jay: "I usually design for the year 2050 so designing for 2055 is going to be really challenging for me."

Kevin is chosen as team leader. We are treated to a montage of clips demonstrating how Kevin is possibly the worst leader on earth. Well, after Kim Jong Il. Oh, and George W. Bush. And ... well, you get the point; he doesn't have leadership skills. The other designers look absolutely thrilled to have Kevin leading them. OK, I was being sarcastic but, actually, it turns out there is one designer who is happy about the choice:

Wendy: "Let's get rid of Kevin! Mwaaahahahaha!"

The designers go for a deconstructed look because in the year 2055 everyone will have forgotten how to sew. Tailors and seamstresses will have devolved into a sub-species and been hunted down and eaten by other humans. They choose a color palate and decide to create garments that can protect people from the environment:

Al Gore: "Don't worry; by the year 2055 there will no longer be an environment."

OK, so they decide to completely encapsulate the models in pods. I think this may have been Kevin's one leadership decision. Obviously it's a bad one. The designers pick out some pretty cool stuff at a vintage store and lay out all the clothes on the tables in the work room and the color palate is working. Then they're stuck. Tim comes in to offer some help:

Tim: "What's wrong? You all seem kind of lost."

Designers: "We're just concerned that the Democrats will lose their fragile grip on the senate."

Tim: "Please! Senator Johnson could serve the rest of his term in the hospital and no one would know the difference. Everything will be fine."

Designers: "Thanks, Tim. You always know exactly what to say."

Tim: "Well, they don't call me the sexiest man alive for nothing."

Designers: "What does that have to do with anything?"

Tim: "I just thought I'd mention it."

Austin: "Hey, did you guys hear that Tara Connor could have her Miss USA crown taken away because of 'behavioral and personal issues'?"

Kara: "What the hell does that mean?"

Jay: "I think it means she had a cosmo at a bar and she's only 20."

Wendy: "Oh my god! She should be in prison!"

Kayne: "How could she do this to me?"

Tim: "Can we stop talking about things that haven't happened yet and get back to work?"

Designers: "Sorry."

The designers still have no idea what they are doing:

Robert: "I've decided that in the future Starbucks will fulfill it's evil plans to take over the world by completely monopolizing the coffee market and then destroying the world's coffee supplies and turning the human race into zombies. Our only source of energy will be cocaine. I'm putting mirrors on the shoulders of the garment so you can just turn your head and do some blow."

Well, that sounds about as reasonable as anything else he's ever said. Kara has taken charge. They all decide they do not have time to do the pods:

Tim: "I never liked the pods but now that you aren't doing them I've decided they were a good idea. I think my brain is bleeding."

Jay: "My garment is complete crap."

Tim: "This is not the time for honesty. This is the time for complete bullshit."

Jay: "Sorry. My garment is fabulous!"

Tim: "That's the spirit."

That night, back at the apartment, the closest thing we get to a party is Robert offering Jay a beer. Is that why this episode is so boring? Not enough alcohol? The designers are all discussing how to defend their crappy collection. Except for Austin, who is completely consumed with studying a pink purse, and Wendy, who is just laughing like a mental patient.

On to the runway: The judges are Michael Kors, Anne Slowey, and Betsey Johnson. Austin has created a cocktail dress with possibly the worst proportions I've ever seen. And to make it look even more dumpy he's put the model in flats. If I see someone dressed like this at a cocktail party in 2055 I will know it is time to take my own life. Jay creates a club wear look. As usual, it's pretty good. Kara makes a business suit. It looks like something out of Aeon Flux or The Matrix. It's a little costumey and derivative but it's effective and dramatic and she wins. Robert creates a street wear look:

Anne: "So, Robert, would you like to explain to us how this is like a sports car?"

Ah, there's that famous Slowey sense of humor again. No, wait, this is the first time I've ever witnessed her sense of humor.

Robert: "In the future there will be no coffee so people will get their energy directly from the sun like Superman."

Anne: "Oh, that makes sense. You have pretty eyes. Did I just say that out loud?"

Wendy creates a youth outfit. It's really not bad. I don't know what Anne's problem is with it:

Anne: "It looks like my cat just shredded my old sweater."

OK, we don't need to hear about your personal problems, Anne. Michael and Betsey agree that it fits in with the deconstructed look of Kara's and Jay's. Wendy's gimmick was attaching a tool belt for a GPS device and all the other crap someone will need in the future. Duh; all that stuff will be implanted under our skin in the future, Wendy. Everyone knows that!

Kevin, creates a pretty but boring dress that has it's sleeves attached to it's sides for no apparent reason.

Kevin: "I think in the future people will have their arms surgically attached to their sides."

Oh, now I get it. Unfortunately it doesn't fit in with the collection at all, which is a major problem since he was the leader and supposedly made the decision for what the collection was supposed to look like. He's out. But first there was this drama:

Earlier, in the design room:

Designers: "Kevin is a terrible leader!"

Tim: "Wendy, would you be willing to say that Kevin is a terrible leader?"

Wendy: "Uh, yeah, I guess so."

On the runway:

Anne: "So Wendy, would you like to tell us what a terrible leader Kevin was?"

Wendy: "Uh, I think he probably could have done a better job with time management."

Oh My God! Can you believe the bitch just said that?!

Robert: "Kevin was an amazing leader!"

Jay: "I can't imagine having a better leader!"

Austin: "He was like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr."

Kara: "He led the shit out of us!"

Great, now everyone has the excuse to hate Wendy they've been waiting for!
Top Chef Recap: Episode 8: The Chrismukkah Episode: or The one where Mia finally throws herself under a bus!

The chefs are dealing with the loss of Frank:

Marcel: "I can sleep a little easier now that he won't be here snoring. Oh, yeah, I also don't have to worry about him killing me in my sleep anymore."

Sam: "When Frank left he broke my knife bag. Now I'm glad I smashed his sunglasses and blamed it on Marcel."

All the chefs, especially Mia (hint, hint) are complaining about being away from home for so long. It looks like they've finally had enough:

Sam: "Should we go?"

Ooh, where are they going? Are they all quitting? Are they going dancing? Are they going to see Dreamgirls? Nope. Turns out they are just going to the Kenmore kitchen. What a letdown. Well, there is a bright side:

Betty: "The Kenmore kitchen is completely filled with booze! My prayers have been answered!"

OK, apparently this portion of the show has been brought to you by Bailey's. The guest judge is Kristin Woodward, a licensed joyologist. Or is it mixologist? Whatever; it's some stupid, made-up word. She's a practitioner in the noble profession of helping people forget their troubles and get laid.

Uli: "Are you talking about getting vaysted? Because I have the perfect dress for that!"

Yes, yes, we know. The chefs have to make a mixed drink using Bailey's disgusting alcoholic syrup. They are also supposed to make a Christmas nibble, or something like that.

Ilan: "I've never heard of this "Christmas" you speak of. I guess I'll just make a Hanukkah snack and hope that's similar."

Mike: "OK, I know I say this every time but this is my specialty so I really have to win this one."

You won't.

Mia doesn't use a nice enough glass so she's in the bottom. Betty's drink looks like vomit and apparently tastes even worse so she's in the bottom. Cliff wins the quickfire:

Cliff: "It's really good to win immunity because that means you are immune from being eliminated in the elimination challenge."

Thanks for clearing that up for us, Cliff.

Oh, crap; team challenge. I hate these. OK, there's team Black and team Orange and they are making appetizers for two hundred people who have just walked down a red carpet for no reason. This portion of the show has been brought to you by Warner Bros. and Los Angeles Magazine, the magazine for people who love advertisements.

Team Orange is Sam, Ilan, Marcel, and Betty.

Ilan: "OK, I think we can all agree that Sam should be the leader of our team."

Marcel: "Oh, really? We'll just see about that."

Team Black is Cliff, Elia, Mike, and Mia. At first they don't seem to have a leader. But one thing is for sure: it is not Mia:

Mia: "I think we should serve lots of different appetizers. "

Rest of Team: "No, that's a terrible idea. We should just supply napkins and no food. It's better to have really good napkins than to screw up a bunch of dishes."

Mia: "Whatever. You all suck."

At the store there is a change in plan:

Cliff: "Mia, we've decided to not even supply napkins so we can really concentrate on standing around doing nothing."

Mia: "What? Why are you doing this?"

Cliff: "Because I have immunity."

Mia: "Have I mentioned you suck?"

At the seafood counter we witness this shocking exchange:

Marcel: "Don't put the mussels in plastic. You'll suffocate them."

Ilan: "Don't be a dick."

Oh my god! Ilan is in favor of suffocating mussels! Someone call PETA!

So, this is the team Orange menu:

Crab cakes, shrimp skewers, pickles mussels, calamari with dip, bread pudding, beef tenderloin with blue cheese, cauliflower a la plancha, croquetas, salmon mousse, confit of pork, mushroom tart, vegetable terrine, and chorizo and egg tostadas.

Team Black will have a fruit and cheese plate.

Tom: "So, the other team is serving 13 dishes. You have no chance. OK, good luck!"

Somehow Elia is now in charge of this disaster. It sure seemed like Cliff was in charge when they were making all the terrible menu decisions in the beginning. And it would have made sense for him to be the leader since he has nothing to lose. Oh well, let Elia take the fall.

OK, they are serving their food on the Warner Bros. lot on the street with the Huxtable house. Fun! I recognize of couple of minor character from Studio 60 and that's about it. Who are these people? The guest judge is Lee Hefter and Ted is filling in for Gail. Team Black does make better food but there just is not enough of it. Team Orange makes some pretty standard food but they really put out an amazing spread for the money they had. Team Orange wins.

Marcel: "I know we won but I'd like to defend myself anyway and say that I was my own leader."

OK, Ilan's right: Marcel is a dick.

Sam deserves credit for leading that amazing team effort. He wins a ginormous box of knives. Hey, Sam, I think Marcel would like you to show him your knives, if you know what I mean.

Team Black was a disaster and anyone stupid enough to take the leadership role deserves to leave. Elia takes complete responsibility. Cliff throws Mia under a bus:

Cliff: "This is all Mia's fault because I completely ignored everything she said."

Mia: "Cliff, you can kiss my big black ass!"

Mia seems to have a split personality is this episode:

Mia: "I thought Elia was a terrible leader for not listening to me. But then I thought she was a really good leader and did an excellent job. And then I thought she was a terrible leader again at the judges' table. And then I thought she was such a good leader I decided to take the fall for her."

Ow, I have whiplash.

Tom: "Mia, are you telling us you're quitting?"

Mia: "No, first I'm going to tell you why I'm not a quitter and then I'll tell you I'm quitting. Now, many of you don't know this because I've only mentioned it a few dozen times, but I was homeless. I was working as a salesman and raising my son by myself and then we got kicked out of our apartment and I decided to take an unpaid internship with a Wall Street investment firm ..."

Tom: "No, I think that's the plot to the new Will Smith movie."

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Top Chef Recap, Episode 7: Surfing Safari: or The Quest for Fire.

Raphael Lunetta is the guest judge and for the quickfire the chefs have to create an entree with ingredients from a farmer's market but they can't cook anything. Mostly they go with produce but a few use raw seafood.

Elia and Frank are the only two who seem to have made an actual entree.

Raphael: "Ilan, this is good. It would make a good appetizer."

Ilan: "Wow. Passive-aggressive much?"

Raphael chooses Marcel, who has made a watermelon "steak." You've got to be kidding me. How does calling a piece of fruit "steak" magically turn it into an entree? This judge is an idiot. Well, whatever, maybe if Marcel has immunity in the elimination challenge people will not bother picking on him so much. Other Eric points out two things related to Marcel's win: First, Raphael and Marcel are totally staring at each other like they are in love; it's a little disturbing. Second, Padma is dressed like a watermelon. A cheap watermelon.

There are new tensions in the kitchen:

Michael: "I was minding my own business, playing Jenga, and Frank kept shaking the table and knocking all my blocks down. I think he was doing it on purpose."

Frank: "He's just like my little brother. Except he's even fatter and stupider. Oh, yeah, did I mention I can't stand my little brother?"

For the elimination challenge they will have to make breakfast for a bunch of athletes but they won't know what kind of cooking equipment, if any, they will have. Frank decides those would be the perfect conditions under which to attempt a quiche. Is he sure his brother is the stupid one? Mia is the queen of breakfast so obviously she's going to win. Sam has been doing brunch since before he was born, which made the delivery really difficult. Obviously he's going to win.

The chefs are bound and gagged and driven to the beach, where they are dumped in front of some fire pits. The judges meet them there. Michael proves he is, in fact, the dumb one by forgetting his eggs. Betty warms on me a little bit by giving him some of hers. Ew, that sounds gross, when I put it that way. The chefs have to try to get a bunch of surfers to eat their food:

Marcel: "Hey, you sexy wahines, those waves are really gnarly, huh? Shaka, brassiere!"

Wow, that was so authentic I feel like I've been transported back to the tropical beaches of Palmdale. Anyway, the chefs create some really good food under really harsh conditions. The judges are impressed:

Gail: "We should get them out of that goddamn Kenmore kitchen more often!"

The three ladies are the top three for this challenge! Mia's dish looked really good. The judges raved over Betty's presentation, which I thought looked like it was gift-wraped in a slice of turkey and did not find appetizing. Elia wins! That's good, because she should have won the quickfire. I forget if she wins something. Probably the chance to work with that dopey guest judge.

Sam, Cliff, and Frank are the bottom three.

Cliff: "I am not going home. And these aren't the droids you're looking for."

Padma: "Oh, it's OK, everyone; Cliff's not going home and these aren't the droids we're looking for."

Tom: "God, Padma, you're such an idiot."

Sam: "I'd just like to make an offhand comment about the fact that Elia used frozen waffles and see if maybe I can start another cheating scandal while pretending to be the nice guy."

Tom: "No one actually thought she had made fresh waffles at the beach without a waffle iron. But nice try."

Frank loses. Surprisingly, he goes out gracefully.

Tom: "Surfing is a really good metaphor for cooking because you have to get up really early in the morning and put on a wetsuit and you're swimming against the tide and then you're riding the waves ..."

Gail: "What the hell does any of that have to do with cooking?"

Tom: "Well, maybe not the wetsuit part, but the surfboard is like a cutting board and getting a lot of tube is like when you're in your zone in the kitchen and you have to go with the flow of the ocean ..."

Gail: "Please stop."

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Project Runway Recap: Season One, Episode 6: Who does a person have to blow around here to get on Page Six?

OK, you know the routine: I'm blogging along with the Project Rungay boys, who are blogging season one on DVD! We start with Kara discussing the departure of Nora in the last episode:

Kara: "Finally! Now that Nora's gone I can get to work on winning this damn competition!"

Heidi comes out, they pick models, someone is stupid enough to pick Morgan, someone cries, blah, blah, blah, seen it! The designers have to make a bathing suit that can also double as an evening gown. Just kidding! Actually, they have to make a bathing suit that can also be worn out to a nightclub. Don't worry, these criteria will be completely ignored when it comes to judging the outfits.

Alexandra: "I'll be using a Missoni fabric and a design inspired by Michael Kors. I think Michael will appreciate that."

Michael won't be judging this week.

Alexandra: "Oh, crap."

Kara: "I'm going to go way outside my comfort zone for this challenge. Instead of designing for a debutante I'm going to design for a society girl."

That's basically the same thing.

Kara: "Oh, crap."

Austin: "I'm designing a thong for Esther Williams."

Esther Williams is almost 90.

Austin: "Oh, crap."

The designers are given half an hour to shop for fabric and three and a half minutes to make the outfits. The models are surprisingly docile this challenge. They're just glad they all got their hoohoos waxed recently because the designers don't know anything about covering bush.

Wendy's model: "You want me to wear what?"

Wendy: "This orange rubber band. Do you mind?"

Model: "Why don't I just wear my own black thong that will ruin the look and possibly cause you to lose because you won't have designed a complete bathing suit?"

Wendy: "Uh, OK, sure; that sounds like a good idea."

Jay is calling the sewing machines names that would make Laura Bennett blush.

Kevin: "There is no need for that kind of language."

Jay: "Why am I the only one having problems with the machines?"

Could it be because you are the only one trying to sew pleather, while the other designers are sewing regular fabric?

Jay: "I feel so much better after having that cigarette. You could say that cigarette saved my life. That's really ironic, see, because, you know, cigarettes are actually bad for you."

We break away from the action for a moment for a public service announcement from Other Eric:

Other Eric: "Don't throw your burning cigarettes on the ground, Jay. That's really disgusting."

Thank you. That was really moving. They should make an After School Special about that. Anyway, back in the design room Alexandra makes a really stupid announcement:

Alexandra: "I'm one of the top three designers left."

It would have been faster if she had just said "goodbye." Tim has everyone gather 'round:

Kara: "I have a bad feeling about this. I'm pretty sure he's going to tell us we have to walk on burning coals or something."

Tim: "You've probably already guessed this but you'll be going to Hero cocktail lounge."

Designers: "How the hell would we have guessed that?"

Tim: "Well, anyway, you're going to have an hour to dress your models like whores and take them to Hero. Your goal will be to give gossip columnist Richard Johnson an erection. You'll get extra points if your model actually has sex with him."

OK, they're at Hero and only two of the outfits actually look like something someone could legitimately get away with wearing at a nightclub: Jay's and Kevin's. The rest look like bathing suits and are completely out of place. But, as I said, this will have no bearing on the actual judging. They have to get Richard's attention but neither I nor the designers have any idea what that means. Are they supposed to sell him on their design? Is he an expert on bathing suit inspired club wear? Are they supposed to impress him with their personalities? No one knows. The designers show off their designs to him but he's really only interested in knowing whether the models are over 18.

Wendy: "I'll get straight to the point. Who do I have to blow to get in your column?"

Morgan is totally worth all the money they are not paying her. Kevin probably wouldn't have even had the nerve to speak to Richard but Morgan takes charge and is actually pretty impressive. I'm almost starting to think Kevin was smart to pick her. Yeah, that won't last long. Melissa doesn't exactly have a sparkling wit but her ass is completely showing and she sticks that in Richard's face, which seems to do the trick. After the party at Hero Morgan has to go out drinking and partying some more. Why? Because she's Morgan and that's what Morgan does. She has to take Kevin's outfit with her but she promises she'll change before she goes out and she'll bring it back in perfect condition the next day. What could possibly go wrong?

The next day:

Morgan: "So I wasn't able to go change clothes because ... well, basically because I didn't feel like it but I was totally careful! I didn't ride the mechanical bull that many times and it wasn't my fault that I fell out of the window of that guy's car while I was puking because he took that corner really fast! So anyway, the point of my story is that I had so much fun last night!"

No, Morgan; I think the point you were trying to make is that you ripped Kevin's outfit.

Morgan: "Oh, yeah, that's right. You aren't upset, are you? God, nothing I do is good enough for you!"

Kevin: "Who could have known this would happen?"

Designers: "We all explicitly told you this would happen!"

On to the judging! We have Anne Slowey again (oh, joy), some woman from eBay, and a gossip columnist. Was Howie Mandel unavailable?

"That woman from eBay is a feminazi."

Wait, was that Jeffrey Sebelia? No, unfortunately it was Jay. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this one time.

Heidi: "Kara, you have immunity from last week so I'm not going to give you any indication of whether or not we thought your garment was any good. Austin and Jay, your models had the most impressive asses and you'll find out which of you is the winner by reading Richard's column tomorrow morning. Kevin, I clearly told you your garment had to look like a bathing suit."

Kevin: "No, you didn't. You said it had to be a functioning bathing suit that could be worn to a nightclub and that's exactly what I made."

Heidi: "I'm sick of your pathetic excuses! I can change the rules whenever I feel like it! And as for you, Alexandra, a real fashion designer can never look to another designer for inspiration!"

Alexandra: "Are you out of your fucking mind? All designers do that!"

Heidi: "Don't pay any attention to the stupid things I say in voice-over. They're added later to provide some sort of story arc to the episode. It's just a fast way of explaining why you're being kicked off the show."

Alexandra: "Oh, OK."

The next morning Jay and Austin are freaking the hell out of some guy at a news stand:

Austin: "Oh, my reviews are in! I can hardly stand the anticipation! Read them to me, Jay! No, no, don't, I don't think I can stand it! OK, yes, read them to me. No, wait ..."

Jay: "Oh, for god sake, Austin, you won."

Austin drops his purse.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Project Runway Recap: Season Two, Episode 5: Here Come the Models. All Dressed in ...

Austin is still crying from last week. OK, not really. He's moved on to complaining about Wendy:

Austin: "I'm emotionally bleeding. Wendy stabbed me in the back. She tried to shoot me in the back but her earrings jammed so she had to stab me instead."

[Check out Project Rungay for a great close-up of Wendy's earrings]

So, we start with Heidi making a very strange announcement to the designers:

Heidi: "Four of you are gone!"

Designers: "We are? What does that mean? You're scaring us!"

The designers pick models. They are then informed that their models will also be their clients:

Jay: "I assumed this would be a challenge for which it would be appropriate to have a crack whore for a model. I never would have picked Morgan had I known."

The designers need to make a wedding dress that will make their models happy. The models, of course, all want the most tacky dresses possible:

Kayne Gillespy: "What? Did someone say my name?"

Sorry Kayne; not that tacky.

Tim: "I don't care what you were told about this challenge. Your models are very young and, for the most part, not very bright. If you think their involvement in the fashion industry has given them a sense of style, you would be sadly mistaken. If I'm being too subtle, let me put it another way: your models should not be allowed to dress themselves in the morning, much less help you design a garment. Just nod and smile and ignore everything they say."

Oh, why don't people listen to Tim?

Let's check out some of the ideas the models have:

Morgan: "I want it to be see-through!"

Julia: "My favorite color is leopard print!"

Olga: "I want it covered in diamonds. And I want it to have a car seat."

What?! We eventually figure out she was saying "corset."

We discover the models have been dreaming all their lives of the day when their wedding dresses could be made really cheaply in two days for a design challenge. They all drag in their boyfriends, some of whom do not look at all thrilled about their unexpected impending weddings.

Olga sees Kevin putting crystals on her dress:

Olga: "What the hell is that? I wanted real diamonds!"

Later, when Olga puts the dress on, we start to think maybe Morgan isn't so bad:

Olga: "Oh, my god. I've never worn a dress that wasn't lined in silk. I think I can feel my flesh peeling off. Would someone please kill me?"

Later that night:

Olga: "Oh, my god. I can't sleep. I'm so uncomfortable. What's wrong?"

Kevin has placed a single pea under her mattress.

At this point my notes say, "Austin in dying."

Now I don't find this at all surprising because that sounds like the kind of dramatic thing Austin would do. But, of course, my notes were referring to him dyeing, as in dyeing fabric. He snaps on latex gloves like Deborah Harry popping pimples in Hairspray. And he's wearing a trash bag tied at the waist. It's not a great look. But it's so much better than the awful dress he ends up making that I wish he had put his model in a trash bag and sent her down the runway.

Wendy: "Oh, my god! That dress is so great! I couldn't have dreamed of anything better (to compete against)!"

Austin: "What was that? I missed that last part."

Wendy: "Oh, I just said what a talent you are. (Yeah, right.)"

Austin: "What?"

Wendy: "Nothing!"

The designers go out drinking. Even Austin goes this time. Is he out of fresh socks?

Rob is trying to impress Alexandra with his really butch gymnastics routine. The plan was going perfectly until ...

Alexandra: "Um, no; I was never interested."

Well, anyway, the routine was going perfectly until he falls and cuts his head open:

Rob: "No, not the hair! I'm not letting them touch my hair! I'll lose all my sexual prowess! I'd rather bleed to death! Oh, why couldn't I have fallen on my face?"

Back in the design room the models are being major pains in the you-know-what:

Kara: "Models are easily distracted. If you don't have anything shiny just tell them the fabric is really expensive. Works every time."

Wow, I'm having a hard time remembering why I don't like her.

Nora is having trouble with her roses:

Nora: "I got a dye called "wine." I can't figure out why the roses are wine colored and not bright red. Oh, what fucking difference does it make?"

Exactly! Nora loses.

Wendy's dress is white with red lacing and trim. It looks like the model got in a fight with her new Motorala RAZR phone.

Kara's dress is low cut in the front and low cut in the back. And low cut on the sides. Just kidding. It's very pretty. What else is there to say? Kara wins.

Jay's dress is also very pretty. I think if Morgan had been able to walk in it he might have won. Somehow he managed to give Morgan exactly what she wanted while completely ignoring all her ideas! He's a genius!

Austin's model, Julia, comes out. Heidi throws up a little in her mouth:

Julia: "All my life I've dreamed of getting married in the ugliest dress ever made!"

Austin: "She wanted something unconventional."

No; this is not Julia's fault. unconventional does not even begin to explain this atrocity. The judges don't think it is appropriate as a wedding dress. I don't think it would even be appropriate for a colorblind prostitute.

Anne Slowey is a judge. I miss Nina. I'm just saying. Anne's only claim to fame is pointing out when there is too much tootie showing. So I'm wondering why she didn't have a little talk with Heidi about the black dress she's wearing. Uh, Mr. Seal? We can all see your wife's business.