Top Chef New York Reunion Special: It's time to move on with our lives!

I know Top Chef tries really hard not to be a carbon copy of Project Runway but there is something nice about having the reunion show prior to the finale. Obviously, you can't reminisce about the finale in that case because it hasn't happened yet but there is a whole season to talk about and several months have passed since the taping of the regular season has ended. Most importantly, people still give a shit.

But Top Chef just has to be different and give us the reunion after all the excitement of the season has already disappeared. I've moved on with my life, Bravo! It's taking all my energy to care about a group of people who will never in a million years be made into supermodels!

Obviously I'm going to watch the show. But I'm going to be bitter the entire time. Here we go:

Andy Cohen: "Hi! I'm Andy Cohen!"

Oh, god help us.

Andy: "Tonight we'll find out who's not in a relationship, who got drunk, and we'll have an exclusive interview with that woman who had the octuplets!"

Please don't.

Andy: "Say hello to the judges and congratulate Hosea!"

Hi, judges. Congratulations, Hosea.

We start with the obligatory Bravo bromance. This season it was between Fabio and Stefan:

Viewer from Pasadena: "So are you guys gay or just European? We are so confused."

Stefan gets a special shirt that reads "I'm not gay but my Bravo t-shirt is"

We learn about the birthday curse.

We have the obligatory Bravo clips of someone talking too much. This season it was Jeff. I have to admit I loved it when Padma sighed with exhaustion while looking at one of Jeff's dishes.

We learn that Tom saved a woman's life:

Woman: "My life had no meaning until I ate at Craft and I discovered how good food could taste. He truly saved my life!"

Tom: "Oh, stop. You're embarrassing me."

Richard: "That is so hot."

We have a question for Gail:

Viewer: "Are those real?"

That was so inappropriate. Instead of answering that question, Gail will talk about Toby:

Gail: "He really isn't as big a bitch as everyone thinks."

I'm sure she's right. He actually didn't come across that badly. In the first few episodes he was in I got sick of his canned quips. But then he settled into just being mildly annoying and I started to enjoy the fact that he always disagreed with Tom. As you could tell from reading my recaps, I was always waiting for Tom to lose his temper throw a punch. But Tom is just a big teddy bear:

Richard: "That's so hot."

Yeah, we know.

Tom gives the chefs advise about criticism:

Tom: "Having your restaurant reviewed by a food critic is much harder than being judged on Top Chef."

Toby: "How would you know? You've never been a contestant on Top Chef."

Tom: "Shut up, Toby!"

Time for another question from a viewer:

Lupe: "Ariane made simple food. Is making simple food the way to win Top Chef?"

Tom: "Ariane didn't win, Lupe, you dumbass."

And then we get to the relationship between Hosea and Leah, popularly known as Hoseleah. We start with clips of them discussing their doomed relationships back at home:

Hosea: "I don't want my girlfriend to leave me."

Too bad.

Leah: "I don't want my boyfriend to leave me just because I kissed a guy one time."

ONE guy? ONE time?

Leah: "You're right. Who am I kidding?"

Andy: "OK, so are you guys married yet or what?"

Hoseleah: "We live in separate cities."

Andy: "So what you're saying is that if you lived in the same city you would get married."

Hoseleah: "Um . . . I don't think we said that."

Andy: "I'm going to take that as a yes. Tom is prepared to give Hosea a job in New York and we have an Elvis impersonator/minister standing by so congratulations!"

Hoseleah: "We're not getting married."

Andy: "But it's obviously what America wants. Don't be so selfish!"

We see scenes of Glad wrap volleyball and Leah and Jamie getting drunk.

We see clips demonstrating that Stefan likes women and then some viewer wasn't paying attention and missed the nicknames this season so we see clips about that.

Then Gail tells us that Daniel Boulud catered her wedding, which is pretty cool:

Andy: "And here's the most boring picture we could find from the wedding."

Awwww.

Then we see clips of Jamie saying things like "This chicken is pecking at my shoes" to prove that she's a big complainer:

Carla: "I think it's defense mechanism. She's obviously afraid people might think she doesn't complain enough so she makes up for that by complaining a lot."

Jeff tells us he was misquoted in People magazine:

Jeff: "I didn't say Tom's food was boring. I said he was a talentless jerk. I feel really terrible that they got that wrong."

Tom: "It's OK. People who buy People magazine can't read anyway."

We see clips about all the bald heads this season. But technically, Eugene and Patrick are not bald. And I have to say the Bravo special-effects department really went above and beyond with those photos with superimposed hairdos.

Fabio wins fan favorite. Congratulations, Fabio! Fabio and Carla were definitely my favorites, although I would not have been surprised at all if Stefan had won; he was one of the most entertaining chefs this season.

And that's it. Bravo viewers get a well-deserved break! I'll have to find something else to blog about for a while, since we have no idea when Project Runway will be on. I'm not blogging the supermodels. But maybe Top Design or Shear Genius will be back someday soon. Thanks, again, for reading!

Top Chef New York Finale Part Two: The Finale!

Padma: "Welcome to the finale of Top Chef New York in New Orleans, which will be taking place in New Mexico with a little excursion to New Delhi! This show has so much newness it just couldn't be contained in one new city! This season the chefs faced relentless competition, a small troll named Toby, and, of course, the polar bears."

To demonstrate the level of excitement this season, we are shown a montage sequence featuring scenes of young chefs falling in love, sheep, and possibly young chefs falling in love with sheep, although the images go by too quickly to be sure.

Last time Fabio was out and we are left with the three finalists:

Stefan, who really messed up a couple of times but was out in front through most of the season.

Carla, who really impressed us for the past few weeks.

And Hosea, who, let's be honest, is just there by default. He was consistently not quite the worst through the entire competition.

Now it is the time in the recap for the chefs to say something stupid:

Carla: "If I can keep winning, I think I can win!"

Hosea: "The finale is a really important challenge."

Stefan: "I'm too sexy for this shirt."

Quickfire:

Padma: "For the quickfire, two chefs will be eliminated, leaving one chef to go on to the elimination challenge. Just kidding; there's no quickfire challenge."

For the final challenge the chefs have to create a three-course tasting menu.

Stefan: "Bleepity bleep bleep Fabio bleeping pleepers Jamie bleep bleep bleeping sheep."

Seriously, I have no idea what Stefan said during this entire episode because there was so much bleeping. I guess I'll have to watch the uncensored version of Top Chef After Dark on Showtime.*

*(Showtime has yet to get back to me about this programming idea.)

Padma: "You will be cooking at Commander's Palace, one of the most famous restaurants in the world that nobody has ever heard of! And you will have help making your travel arrangements: it's the Travelocity Roaming Gnome! Oh, wait, that's just Toby. Never mind."

The chefs do get help in the kitchen. They will have three seasons of runners up: Marcel, Casey, and Richard! Fun! Well, that's certainly less random than the "all-stars" that we had earlier in the season.

They draw knives to pick their sous chefs: Hosea picks Richard, Stefan picks Marcel, and Carla has her dreams shattered, er, I mean, she gets Casey.

They start cooking.

Stefan gets upset because Hosea is using all the foie gras.

Stefan gets upset because Richard is using all the caviar.

Stefan gets upset because Carla is using all the love.

The chefs are visited by a fortune teller:

Fortune Teller: "Carla, I see people judging you. Does that mean anything to you?"

Carla: "Yes! That would be the judges!"

Fortune Teller: "OK, well, I see that they really like what you do."

Carla: "That's right! I should keep making food the way I want to do it!"

Fortune Teller: "Oh, wait, I see a dark presence in your life. A woman who is supposed to be helping you is going to suggest you do things differently and this will be bad."

Carla: "How mysterious! I wonder what it could mean!"

The next day there is an announcement:

Tim Gunn: "Gather 'round, chefs! You will need to make a thirteenth dish using only some left-over chiffon and an alligator."

Stefan: "Whatever."

Tim Gunn: "I don't care for your attitude, missy."

Hosea's first dish was a trio of sashimi. His second dish was scallops and foie gras. And his third dish was venison with wild mushrooms. Richard's contribution was to dip everything in formaldehyde and carbonate the blackberries.

Stefan's first dish was halibut and salmon carpaccio. His second dish was squab with braised red cabbage and Fahrvergnügen. And his third dish was ice cream and chocolate mousse with vanilla syrup and lollipops. Marcel's contribution was the foam.

Carla's first dish was seared snapper with saffron aioli and crouton. Her second dish was new york strip steak and potato with Merlot sauce. And her third dish was a cheese tart with apple coins and marmalade. Casey's contribution was to completely fuck everything up:

Carla: ". . . so that's my menu."

Casey: "Uh huh, uh huh. That sounds great. I have an idea: let's take your ingredients and cook them in a completely different way than you were planning. Trust me, you can't go wrong with sous-vide steak. Who doesn't love meat boiled in a plastic bag?"

Carla: "Hmm. It seems like someone was trying to warn me about this. But I don't want to be rude, so OK."

Padma: "I'd like to introduce you to a bunch of famous chefs and, for some reason, Branford Marsalis!"

For the appetizer, Stefan made alligator soup, Hosea made a fish pancake, and Carla made some crab thingy. The judges liked all three.

The judges loved Carla's first dish but her other two dishes were disasters, thanks to Casey, otherwise known as the "Black Hammer."

Antonia: "No, I'm the Black Hammer!"

They loved Hosea's scallop dish and his third dish was good but his sashimi dish was boring and he didn't make dessert. Toby wanted dessert but Tom is adamant that they didn't have to make dessert so that shouldn't be a factor in the judging.

Stefan's carpaccio dish wasn't very good but they loved his second dish and some of the judges appreciated that he made dessert, although they didn't think the dessert was very inspired.

Wow, there really isn't an obvious winner. It could be either Hosea or Stefan. Obviously, the only way to pick a winner is to ask the chefs why they should be Top Chef:

Hosea: "I should be Top Chef because I'm not the worst."

Stefan: "I should be Top Chef because I'm so adorable."

Carla: "I shouldn't be Top Chef. Come on; you were all thinking it."

Hosea wins! I'm completely shocked and not entirely convinced by this result. Congratulations, Hosea! I guess.

Toby: "Well, I just have to say that I appreciated that Stefan made dessert."

Tom: "I have some dessert for you, Toby. How would you like a knuckle sandwich?"

Top Chef New York Finale Part 1: Tonight we eat in Hell!

OK, I just had a baby sleeping on my shoulder for half an hour at Disneyland. So cute! We went on Alice in Wonderland and I just have to say that ride is some freaky-ass shit. The poor baby woke up in the middle of the ride and he thought he was having an acid flashback. I think he'll be OK, though.

So, sorry I wasn't able to spend much time on this post but I had a birthday party today, I have out-of-town guests, the College Art Association annual convention is in Los Angeles this week, the Academy Awards are on, the dog ate my recap, and, oh yeah, this episode really wasn't very exciting.

Now, I know this episode of Top Chef was supposed to be part one of the finale but it was really just the challenge before the finale. The only difference between this and any other challenge was that they were in New Orleans.

So, last time Fabio won and Leah was finally eliminated:

Fabio: "Tonight we eat in hell!"

Leah: "Yeah, I was going to suggest you all go there."

It's down to the final four. Or is it?

The chefs spend several months picking out new hairstyles and then meet in New Orleans:

Fabio: "Tonight we get our hair styled in hell!"

Emeril is guest judge for the quick fire:

Emeril: "Your challenge is to create a new flavor for tooth paste. BAM!"

Jamie, Leah, and Jeff come back to compete for a second chance to go to the final.

Jeff wins the quickfire but to get to the final he has to win the elimination challenge.

Emeril has a book to sell. What a surprise.

The chefs have dinner at Emeril's restaurant and then the next day they go to a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats.

Fabio: "Tonight we look at floats in hell!"

For the elimination challenge they have to create two dishes and one cocktail for the Krewe of Orpheus masquerade ball at the New Orleans Museum of Art.

Oh, and one more incentive: the winner gets a Toyota Venza. I'm pretty sure they just made up that car.

Fabio: "Tonight we drive a Toyota in hell!"

That's enough.

Tom goes into the kitchen to be his completely useless self:

Tom: "Carla should have steamed those oysters. Too bad nobody said anything to her."

OK, I know I've asked this before but WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF HAVING TOM IN THE KITCHEN? He does nothing!

Also, Hosea's roux isn't dark enough. It looks pretty damn dark to me but I guess it's not dark enough.

Carla is doing a non-alcoholic cocktail, which is a pretty big risk at a Mardi Gras party.

Gail is back! Yay!

Gail: "I heard there were cocktails!"

We go to the ball, where everyone is wearing a mask:

Fabio: "This reminds me of porn."

What terrible porn is Fabio watching?

Jeff made fried oysters, crawfish pot de creme, and a cucumber mojito.

Stefan made gumbo with grits, an apple beignet with pecan brittle, and a rum and black cherry cocktail.

Fabio made a sausage and rabbit maque choux with grits, pasta with crawfish, and a trinitini (bell pepper with rum).

Carla made a shrimp beignet, oyster stew, and a cranberry and lime spritzer.

Hosea made gumbo with cornbread, catfish with sweet potatoes, and a hurricane.

The judges liked all of jeff's dishes. They loved his fried oyster and his cucumber drink was everyone's favorite cocktail. Too bad it doesn't do him any good.

They thought Fabio's cocktail was too sweet and his dish wasn't spicy enough. However, they liked his freshly-made pasta and they liked his cocktail in theory, though not in execution.

The judges liked Stefan's grits but, other than that, they pretty much hated everything. And, on top of that, they think he's a total asshole:

Tom: "You seem a little over-confident."

Stefan: "Whatever."

Tom: "Wrong answer."

They liked Hosea's food. He comes in third, which means he'll be going on to part two of the finale, which is actually the finale.

They love everything about Carla's dishes. They even liked her nonalcoholic cocktail:

Gail: "I didn't mind that the cocktail was non-alcoholic. I thought it was so refreshing. Of course, I was already totally wasted when I drank it."

Seriously, if I had already had a few drinks, I wouldn't mind having a soft drink, either. But if I went to a party and all they had was soft drinks, I would be pissed off.

Carla wins! Congratulations, Carla! She wins a car! Wow, Carla is a real surprise; earlier this season I never would have predicted she would make it to the final! She's such a surprise, she could actually win the whole thing!

It's the end of team Europe. Either Fabio or Stefan will be out. And by the judges' reactions, it's pretty clear that Stefan's dishes and attitude were worse. I can't believe Stefan is going to be out! This is a shocking development! I thought Stefan would be this season's top chef and now he's not even going to make it to the finale. But the judges don't have any choice; Stefan was obviously the worst in this challenge.

Padma: "Fabio, please pack your knives and go."

What?

Top Chef New York, episode twelve: Da Top Chefi Code!

Last time the weener was Stefan:

Stefan: "There is something very special about me. I think it will be revealed in this episode."

Last time Jamie was eliminated. Her body was found in one of the galleries of the Louvre covered in symbols:

Padma: "It's a Fibonacci number sequence! Da Vinci!"

OH MY GOD! There's the evil masochistic albino monk who murdered her! Oh, wait, that's just Toby. Never mind.

So, in this episode the chefs have to solve the mysteries left in the work of Leonardo da Vinci. (By the way, his name was Leonardo and not "Da Vinci." Vinci was his home town, not his last name. Sorry; a little pet peeve). The chefs are being hunted down by Opus Dei because one of them holds the secret that has been protected by the Knights Templar for almost two thousand years.

But before we get to that, lets check in with the chefs:

Leah has always wanted to cook. That's the only thing she does well. Which would be fine if she actually did that well.

Carla used to be a model and that's how she started buying cookbooks. I guess that makes sense. To Carla.

Wylie Dufresne, the famous molecular symbologist, will be decoding the entries this week:

Wylie: "I like eggs because they symbolise the resurrection of Christ."

No, this challenge doesn't have anything to do with Easter.

Wylie: "Fine. I just like eggs."

OK, so they have to make clever egg dishes. Stefan makes a pretty cool pannacotta with mango goo in the middle so that it looked just like a soft-boiled egg. Fabio does basically the same thing but not as good. Shockingly, Carla wins with green eggs and ham, which seemed like the worst idea ever. Seriously, I'm sure it tasted fine but that just really isn't very interesting unless maybe you are a child.

The chefs pick knives with the names of death row inmates and they have to prepare their last meals. God, this is so depressing:

Fabio: "I would want my grandma to make my last meal. Because there is nothing a woman enjoys more than to cook a meal before burying her own grandson."

Carla's big advantage is that she gets to switch inmates but, of course, there's no point so she doesn't.

After dinner at chef Harold's restaurant, Perilla, the chefs get to work.

Tom gives the chefs advice:

Tom: "Job 38:11. 'Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further.'"

Thanks, Tom. That's a big help.

Tom: "OK, fine. The holy grail 'neath ancient Roslin waits. The blade and chalice guarding o'er her gates. Adorned in masters' loving art, she lies. She rests at last beneath the starry skys."

That's more like it.

Padma: "What does it mean?"

Obviously it refers to the fact that Mary Magdalene is buried under Capitale, the exclusive events venue in lower Manhattan.

Padma: "Oh, right."

The chefs get to work cooking:

Tom: "You will not succeed. Only the worthy can unlock the stone."

Give it a rest, Tom.

Fabio is struggling with the albino and ends up with a broken finger:

Padma: "It's a cryptex. Da Vinci's design."

What the hell are you talking about, Padma?"

Padma: "I just felt like saying a line from the movie. Was it not relevant? Sorry."

Tom enters the cockpit:

Tom: "Don't embarrass me. We're all counting on you."

Hey, how did an Airplane reference get in there? We're doing the Da Vinci Code, people!

So, let's see what the chefs made for the death row inmates:

Leah made eggs Benedict for Wylie Dufresne, who is on death row for running a molecular meth lab. The judges think the dish is OK but the hollandaise sauce is too runny.

Stefan made salmon with spinach and roasted potatoes for Marcus Samuelsson, who is on death row for murdering nurses. The judges all think the salmon was overcooked.

Hosea made shrimp scampi with tomatoes Provençal for the noted pedophile Susan Ungaro. The chefs thought the scampi was good but the tomatoes were not great.

Fabio made roasted chicken with herb-roasted potatoes and caramelized cipollini for someone named Lidia, who is on death row for general crimes against humanity. The judges love it!

Carla made squab for Jaques Papin, who would never hurt a fly. What is he doing on death row! This is tragic! He was obviously framed!

Jaques Papin: "It's OK. Now that I've had Carla's squab I can die happy."

Some of the judges think the squab was overcooked:

Tom: "The young chefs think it was overcooked and the old chefs thought it was perfect."

Lidia: "Did you just call me old?"

The Last Judges' Table in New York:

The judges decide that Fabio made an airline salad and then Tom and Toby get into a fight:

Toby: "Should we take Fabio's broken finger into account?"

Tom: "Well, what do you think, dumb-ass?"

Toby: "I actually liked Leah's hollandaise sauce."

Tom: "I just want to punch you in the face."

Leah is out. Stefan's dish was probably worse but obviously they couldn't send him home.

So the judges recreated Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper, which gives us the answer to the mystery of the Holy Grail:

Sir Ian McKellen: "The Holy Grail is a vessel carrying the blood of Christ. But it isn't a wine glass, it's a person!"

Well, duh.

Sir Ian McKellen: "OK, wiseguy, let's look at Leonardo's painting: if Padma switches places with Toby you can see it proves that Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene got married and had children."

Oh, wow, I never noticed that before.

Sir Ian McKellen: "Fabio wins! He is a direct descendant of Jesus! Congratulations, Fabio, here's a big bottle of the blood of Christ, er, I mean, wine. I always get those confused."

Stefan: "It can't be Fabio! I thought I was the second coming of Christ!"

Yeah, we know.

(I would like to thank IMDB for information on the Da Vinci Code because I hated that stupid movie and don't actually remember anything about it.)

Top Chef New York, Episode Eleven: I think I'm gonna barf!

Jeff is out:

Jeff: "The problem is that I'm just so amazing the judges couldn't handle it. I should have given them a little less Jeff."

Yeah.

This week there will be eel skinning in the Top Chef kitchen. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Hold my hair.

Stefan pretends to have human emotions:

Stefan: "I feel so lucky to be here. I know I was so close to being sent home."

Wow, that was some amazing acting.

Fabio is speaking Italian to his wife:

Fabio: "Thatsa one spicey meata balla. Ciao."

Josea is the last American virgin. I mean male chef.

Carla is misunderestimated.

Eric Ripert is the guest judge and he is legen-wait- for-it-dary.

For the quickfire they will have three rounds to test precision and speed of technique.

First they have to clean and butterfly sardines in five minutes.

Fabio, Leah, Stefan, Fabio, and Josea were the best so they move on to the next challenge with salmon.

Leah is pouting:

Leah: "I am so cute when I pout. All the boys say so."

Josea and Stefan win that round and have to prepare eel. The eels are still moving around, even though they are supposed to be dead. How exactly do we know they are dead? They certainly show more signs of life than Padma does:

Padma: "I have a pulse. We checked."

If you say so. Stefan nails the eel onto the board with a nail through its head and skins it:

Josea: "Oh, that's what the hammer and nails were doing on the counter. I just assumed Toby was going to nail himself to a cross."

Stefan wins!

Padma: "You don't get immunity but I'm sure you'll get a really useful advantage in the elimination challenge."

I bet you won't!

Padma: "Well, you know what? You're usually right about that but not this time."

Elimination challenge! AAAAHHHHHH! (I just felt like screaming for no reason. Just ignore me.)

Padma: "OK, Chefs, time to get all dressed up and pretend like we are going to do something fun! Suckers!"

Seriously, they will probably get all dressed up and then be told they have five minutes to gather clams at the seashore and make dinner for a hundred puppies wearing adorable sweaters:

Padma: "Oh, my god, I can't believe I never thought of that."

But, shockingly, the chefs actually get to eat at Le Bernadin! They actually get to eat the food. Of course, it's about twenty courses of fish so you know something weird is going on. Not even a restaurant that specializes in seafood would give you that many fish courses.

So, they have to recreate the dishes and make them as close as they can to the dishes they just ate.

Stefan gets to pick his dish and he chooses lobster. Oh, that is totally going to backfire on him and he's going to lose:

Padma: "You're wrong this time."

Fabio made sourdough encrusted red snapper and the judges think it's pretty close.

Leah made baked mahi mahi with miso and it's not very good. She's going home.

Padma: "Wrong again, dummy!"

Stefan made the lobster and asparagus and the judges think it is very good.

Carla made escolar with potato crisps. The judges think it is one of the more difficult dishes and she did pretty well. Way to go, Carla!

Josea made the monkfish and it wasn't very good.

Jamie made the black bass with celery and the celery was over salted. Some of the chefs thought the fish was fine but Toby thought the dish was inedible:

Toby: "You may have thought the dish was unremarkable but I thought it was remarkable. Remarkably poor!"

Oh, snap!

Stefan, Fabio, and Carla are the top three.

Toby makes some comment that I listened to over and over and I still have no idea what he was talking about:

Toby: "It was so clever it just went over your head."

I'm sure that was it.

Stefan wins a book and he also gets to "follow" Eric Ripert around for a week, whatever that means. Does he literally get to walk behind Eric everywhere he goes? Even the shower? Ooh, la la! And also, he gets to travel with Eric to some food and wine fair! So, basically he gets to marry Eric Ripert! This is the best prize ever!"

Padma: "Yeah, it's totally legal now in New York for two chefs to get married."

So progressive!

Jamie, Leah, and Josea are the bottom three.

Leah really screwed up but her dish also sounds really complicated:

Leah: [pouting] "How the hell did you make that sauce?"

Eric Ripert: "Well, we start with fifteen elderly French women sitting around an open fire, we deglaze the grinder with half the reserved stock that we created when we made the krelph and then we slowly add the fish until it's crispy and screams a little bit when you poke it."

Leah: "Oh. I added butter."

Tom: "She doesn't even know the basics!"

Shockingly, Jamie is out because the judges decided her dish was inedible:

Padma: "It was shit. I would have sent it back if I could have but I thought that would be rude."

Well, I'm sorry this week's recap was a little basic but I was out all day trying to stimulate the economy at three separate Club Monaco locations. I can't do it alone, people!

Toby: "Well, everyone else may have thought your recap was unremarkable but I thought it was remarkable."

Thank you, Toby.

Toby: "Remarkably dull."

Top Chef New York, episode 10: Grain Drain (that's an oat reference)!

OK, so I'm not going to talk about that other Wednesday night show this week, although I do have to admit that I didn't watch this week's Top Chef until Thursday night because there was something else on television Wednesday. I won't say what it was but I can say that it rhymes with Schlost.

Last week Radhika was sent home and Josea and Leah did NOT hook up. I repeat: they did NOT hook up:

Leah: "We did NOT hook up!"

I just said that. So what happened?

Leah: "I don't think it's a secret that Josea and I are attracted to each other."

Mostly it isn't a secret because YOU KEEP TELLING US!"

Leah: "Well, anyway, one minute we are innocently snuggling on the sofa and the next thing you know I guess we are kissing."

That's so weird. So you had no control over what happened?

Leah: "Nope."

So, yeah, Josea and Leah are sitting in a tree K I S S I don't give a crap.

Padma: "This week we are celebrating the Super Bowl!"

What did the NFL have to give you for such an honor?

Padma: "Two tickets to a football game!"

Wow.

Padma: "I know, right? I negotiated that deal myself!"

I can't tell you how excited I am.

Padma: "Well, calm down. We have to sell some oatmeal."

What?

Padma: "You know. Superbowl? Oatmeal? What part don't you understand?"

Well, for some reason the chefs are making dishes with Quaker oats and the ingredients were supposed to be chosen using the patented Football Method. Let me explain: first you draw a grid on a chalk board, then you write ingredients down one side and you write "oats" over and over across the top, and then you just tell everyone that they are cooking with oats and you have a good laugh over how much time you just wasted. This is exactly why I don't watch football.

Fabio creates a pretty cool-looking dish of rolled, fried eggplant that the guest judge laughs at. Fabio does not take criticism well:

Fabio: "Nobody mocks the Fabio!"

Carla is worried about Jeff's creative monkeys:

Carla: "Those monkeys are out of control. I really wish he would do something about them because they are becoming a major distraction."

Chef Hung: "Hey, that's my monkey!"

Stefan wins the quickfire with his banana mousse. He doesn't win immunity. He wins the usual terrible advantage that will backfire on him.

This week the chefs will be sort of competing against some previous Top Chef contestants:

Padma: "And by competing we mean that it won't make any difference because one of you will be out whether you win or not."

The previous Top Chef contestants are being called "All Stars":

Padma: "And by 'All Stars' we mean 'losers.'"

The losers, I mean All Stars are:

Andrew - season 4
Josie - season 2
Andrea - season 1
Spike - season 4
Camille - I don't believe she was ever actually on Top Chef
Nikki - season 4
Miguel - possibly the worst Top Chef contestants ever

Jeff will be going head to head against Josie cooking dolphin.
Fabio and Spike will be packing for Green Bay.
Josea and Miguel will be cooking hawk.
Leah will be going head to head against Nikki cooking giant food.
Jamie and Camille will be cooking food for the San Francisco 69ers.
Carla will be going head to head against Andrew cooking for the New Orleans Saints.

The chefs start cooking. Jamie is going crazy:

Carla: "Now she knows what it's like to be me!"

Fabio is making monkey ass stuffed with fried banana:

Chef Hung: "Hey, that's my monkey!"

Andrew says something wacky that I couldn't quite make out. He's going to be peeing on your butt, or something like that. It doesn't really matter.

Andrea reveals that she was just playing a part on Top Chef:

Andrea: "Top Chef needed a vegetarian so I pretended to be one. I also pretended to be a really terrible cook because they needed to kick someone off the show."

Stefan picked Andrea because he thought she would be easy to beat. But he isn't taking any chances and tries to get her drunk. He also pretends that he is falling madly in love with her so he won't look like such a jerk. Needless to say, none of his plans work.

Fabio tells us why he needs to win Top Chef:

Fabio: "I need to win so I can afford to buy medicine for my sick momma."

Dude. So if the judges don't make you the Top Chef winner it will be like they are killing your mother? I feel terrible that your mother is sick but you can't say that.

Carla is meditating:

Stefan: "Hey, Carla, what are you doing, meditating?"

Carla: "Yeah, I'm meditating."

Stefan: "Because you look like you're meditating."

Carla: "Yeah, that's because I'm meditating."

Stefan: "Oh, well, I guess that would explain why you look like you're meditating."

Carla: "Yep, that's what I'm doing. Meditating."

Stefan: "OK, then."

The chefs cook head to head in rounds that are scored by the judges and by fans in a totally confusing method:

Padma: "First you win a touchdown with votes from the judges, unless it's tied, and then some members of the audience will be tasting and give you a field goal and possibly make the decision on the touchdown so you could get three points, seven points, or ten points and, oh, my head hurts."

In round one Leah gets the seven point touchdown and Nikki gets the three point field goal.
In round two Josea wins all ten points over the talentless Miguel.
In round three Carla gets seven points and Andrew gets three points from the stupid fans.
In round four Andrea gets all ten points from the fans over Stefan in a split decision from the judges.
In round five Jamie gets all ten points from the fans over Camille in a split decision from the judges.
In round five Josie wins all ten points over Jeff.
In round six Spike gets seven points but Fabio gets the three point field goal from the fans.

Season Five barely wins! Congratulations, Season Five!

At Judges' Table Carla wins!

Toby: "I tasted the love this time!"

Oh, my God, Toby, that was so sweet! Seriously, I'm crying a little bit I'm so happy for Carla!

Fabio is very defensive and claims that his medium-rare venison managed to cook to well-done by sitting for a couple of minutes on hot cabbage before the judges tasted it:

Fabio: "You have to eat my food within thirty seconds or it's ruined. You have a problem with that?"

I thought Fabio was going to be out for acting like such a jerk but he's safe.

Jeff is out. Sorry Jeff! We'll miss your magic tricks, your out-of-control monkeys, and your gorgeous head of thinning, blond hair. Have a safe trip back to the Dildo Beach Club in Miami.

Jeff: "It's Dilido."

I've heard it both ways.

Top Chef New York, Episode 9: Who Cares? Lost is back!

Morris Day: "What time is it?"

Well, we are either in the past or in the future.

Previously on Lost/Top Chef:

Andy Cohen went down into a cave and turned a big wheel and moved the Top Chef kitchen to New York.

The chefs are stranded in a deserted tropical kitchen in a vaguely Polynesian or possibly south-east Asian location where they are greeted by the judges:

Padma: "Mariska Hargitay! That means hello, goodbye, and also love!"

The chefs try to survive by gathering food in the Top Chef kitchen but they are eliminated one by one. Ariane is gone. Or is she? Maybe she managed to jump off the ship right before it blew up. You never know, right?

This week the Top Chef Four -- Radhika, Jamie, Carla, and Jeff -- fight against The Others -- Stefan, Josea, Fabio, and Leah -- in a little something called Restaurant Wars.

Restaurant Wars! It's the only way to protect the Top Chef kitchen from the executives at Lifetime Television, who will stop at nothing to get the power of Bravo programming for their own evil reasons.

Tom Colicchio: "You have to lie. It's the only way to protect the Top Chef kitchen."

It's just a kitchen, Tom! It doesn't need to be protected!

Tom: "It's not a kitchen. It's a place where magic happens."

Jeff: "Ooh, who wants to see a magic trick?"

OK, fine, I guess magic really does happen in that kitchen. What do I have to do, Tom?

Tom: "You have to lie. It's the only way. Lifetime can't know about the kitchen. They've been searching for the kitchen for years, they planted a fake kitchen at the bottom of the ocean, and they sent people here to kill everyone in the kitchen just so they could have it for themselves."

Wait, so they already know all about the kitchen? Then what the hell good will it do to lie about the fact that we've been in the kitchen? That's not going to keep them from knowing it exists."

Tom: "I haven't really thought it through that carefully. Trust me, this will keep the plot moving forward. Soon there will be time travel and all kinds of shit and you won't care about the fact that it doesn't make sense."

Leah is caught in a love triangle between Jack and Sawyer:

Leah: "I'm so attracted to bad boy Sawyer but I know that Jack is the total asshole I'm meant to be with."

Sawyer: "I really regret what happened with Leah. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. We made out for two hours. Two hours of foreplay and no sex. I really regret that."

The chefs drive around in the sponsored cars again, showing off the amazing technology, like the button you have to push every 108 minutes to keep the universe from ending.

Radhika's restaurant is called Sahana. Sahana means "watch out for polar bears" in Sanskrit.

Leah's restaurant is called Sunset Lounge. Sunset Lounge means "Dude, I am so wasted" in douche.

Radhika and Fabio are taking the front of the house. Fabio looks fantastic in his suit. He really cleans up well. Radhika looks like the mother of the bride. I'm sure we could find a more flattering dress for her.

Radhika is terrible running the front of the house and she lacked any leadership in the kitchen. She also is not around when the judges leave:

Judges: "Let's dine and dash!"

The judges liked all the food at Sahana except Carla's terrible desserts:

Carla: "I couldn't do anything about the terrible desserts but I sent them out with love."

Tom: "We didn't want your love! We wanted decent dessert!"

Carla: "OK, Tom, calm the fuck down. I know the dessert was terrible. All I said is that I tried to send out positive energy with it. I understand that you think that's new age bullshit but, seriously, it didn't make the food any worse than it already was, so what's the point in getting all bent out of shape about it?"

Fabio is great at the front of the house. He's very charming and attentive. It's almost as though he had interacted with other humans before.

Most of the food at Sunset Lounge is boring and the fish is inedible, but Stefan's desserts were the best part of the night.

Stefan wins a suite of GE appliance, just like the one's everyone has been complaining about all night.

Padma: "Oh, they weren't working on GE appliance today. We decided to make them suffer and use Kenmore."

That's just evil.

The judges really wanted to send home Leah but her restaurant got slightly higher reviews from the patrons so they have to choose between Carla and Radhika. Radhika is sent away.

For the quickfire challenge, Padma tells the chefs to just make something, she doesn't really care what it is. Two chefs will be picked to be the chef owners of two competing restaurants but they won't have immunity:

Padma: "What's going on? We just finished the elimination challenge and all of a sudden we are back at the quickfire. And what was that weird noise and that blinding white light?"

That Annoying Physicist Guy: "I don't have time to explain it to you. We need to get to some high quality GE appliances right away, before it happens again. It's very complicated and, if I can't explain it to a bunch of other equally annoying physicists, I certainly won't be able to explain it to you."

Padma: "Listen, asshole, I was married to Salman Rushdie and I'm not as dumb as I look. Just tell me what's going on!"

Physicist Guy: "OK, imagine there is a record spinning and the needle is skipping. The record represents the earth, we are the music, and the needle is representing time. No, wait, the record represents time and the needle is supposed to be us. No, that's not right either ..."

Padma: "Oh, for crying out loud, we're moving around in time! Why didn't you just say that? It's not that complicated!"

Next time on Lost/Top Chef:

Ben Linus finally gets the eliminated chefs to go back to the kitchen. Because the kitchen wants them to come back and what the kitchen wants the kitchen gets.

Top Chef New York, Episode 8: Animal Farm (duh)!

Last week Melissa and Eugene were sent home:

Eugene: "When the booze is gone it's time to move on.

What's your point?

Eugene: "My point is there is still plenty of booze."

You still have to leave.

We start the episode with the usual sexy scenes of the chefs getting dressed, drying their hair, and covering the entire apartment in Glad wrap so that if the building falls over nothing will spill.

For no particular reason, chef Hung is the guest judge for the quickfire. Apparently he won season three. I have a hard time remembering who won.

Fabio: "Hung is a little fish. I think there is an aquarium under that blanket and Hung is going to dive in and swim around in it. Guaranteed."

Well, that's what it sounded like to me. Anyway, it turns out to be a table full of canned and packaged food. Padma tells the chefs they have to make something good from the garbage they have to work with:

Padma: "And because Hung is the shortest Top Chef winner, you will have a very short amount of time to cook. That's how we worked him into the challenge."

Stephanie: "Hey, I'm shorter!"

I think she's right. So the chefs spend the entire 15 minutes complaining about how they are only used to the finest, freshest ingredients and they don't know how to used a can opener. Stefan reminds us what a smart guy he is, as he opens a can of meat with a sledge hammer.

Stefan wins the quickfire:

Josea: "Obviously he won because I gave him some SPAM."

Actually, I think it was the Velveeta that put him over the top.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs draw knives and split into three teams of three:

Josea, Leah and Ariane are Team Lamb
Carla, Jamie, and Stefan are Team Chicken
Fabio, Jeff and Radhika and Team Pig

Jamie and Stefan are fighting over the menu:

Stefan: "We already decided on the menu and now it is the time for the smoking of the cigarettes."

Jamie: "So you're calling me a douche? You're saying I can't cook?"

Did he say that?

Josea is worried that his team's meal isn't seasonal enough:

Ariane: "Well, we could do it as a barbecue."

Josea and Leah: "No, it has to be roasted. You have to do it the way we tell you but you have to take full responsibility for it."

Ariane: "Fair enough."

The chefs are taken out into the country, where nobody will be able to hear their screams. They demonstrate all the special features in the sponsored car, like the cup holders, the sun shades, and the secret compartment for storing the bodies.

Dan Barber of Blue Hill at Stone Farms tells the chefs about how they will be visiting the adorable animals and then hunting and slaughtering them:

Padma: "To make it a real challenge the animals will all be heavily armed and will also be hunting you! Good luck!"

OH, MY GOD! It's a bloodbath! I can't look!

What, I can look? Oh, I seem to have misunderstood. It turns out they don't actually have to kill the animals. They just get to have a nice little visit with the animals and then someone else will kill them. The animals, that it; not the chefs. I know; confusing, right? So, the animals are killed off screen:

Mark Wahlberg: "Hello, goat. How you doin'? I have to slaughter you now. Say hi to your mother for me."

During our regularly-scheduled programming break during the commercials, we get a scene of Jamie and Stefan with the chickens:

Stefan: "The chickens don't like Jamie. But who doesn't?"

Apparently the chickens don't. You just said so.

Stefan tests the sensors:

Stefan: "I'm the only pussy in the hen house. I'm a giant pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy."

Is he allowed to say that?

The meals are served.

Although Stefan's soup isn't appreciated on a hot day, the chicken team is the favorite. The cutlets are good and Carla's tart is the favorite dessert.

The judges didn't like the meals made by Team Lamb or Team Pig.

Toby makes some stupid comments about lamb dressed as mutton and pesto being the pig bad wolf that blew down the pig dish. OK, fine, the lamb dressed as mutton comment was pretty good; it's just that everything he says sounds so scripted.

All three chefs on Team Chicken win the challenge. They go tell the other chefs:

Jamie: "We all won! And when I say that I'm not including the rest of you."

The other six chefs all lost. Just kidding. Only one chef is out. Obviously, it's Ariane. Sorry, Ariane, you were really screwed on that one.

So Toby wants to have unprotected sex with a pig. Sounds like Tom Cruise is getting lucky!

Top Chef New York, Episode Seven: Look out girls, there's a new bitch in town!

Seriously, that new judge is bitchy:

Carla: "GAAAAAYYYY . . . "

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. But that doesn't explain why he is so bitchy.

Carla: "No, you didn't let me finish; I was calling for Gail to please come back."

Oh, yeah, I totally second that emotion. Does Gail really need a permanent honeymoon? Please, Gail, you voluptuous, sexy goddess, come back and save us from this evil queen!

So, anyway, I have to start by apologizing for being such a lame-ass and not posting for so long. It's been weeks! And I could have posted a recap of the repeat of last year's holiday special. But I didn't. Other Eric told me I should recap it again and then compare it to my recap from last year:

Other Eric: "You should pay me for these brilliant ideas."

Me: "Oh, you'll receive remuneration, if you know what I mean."

Other Eric: "Ooh!"

OK, it's actually not that sexy here at the Eric household. Anyway, I decided that I didn't need to recap the same show twice so I just forgot about it. But guess what? It turns out I didn't even recap the holiday special last year! When I went and looked at my post the other day, what I found was a post saying:

"Congratulations, Tiffani!"

That was about it. What a lame-ass. Well, in my defense, It was Project Runway season and I was busy. The point is, it turns out I could have done a recap of the holiday special. And it would have been hilarious! I can just imagine how hilarious it would have been . . .

. . . Yeah, that was hilarious! Too bad I didn't write it.

So, the reason I didn't have time to write a recap of the rerun of last year's holiday special is that we were replacing the old light switches and outlets in our house. One minor explosion and an expensive new electrical panel later, our switches and outlets look fabulous. In fact, the only way they could be better is if they actually worked. I'm just kidding; most of them work.

Finally, on to this week's recap:

Last time no one went home. It was a Christmas miracle:

Tom: "This time two people are going home! Happy New Year!"

Chefs: "What a dick."

We start this episode with Eugene being pissed off, Fabio making SPAM (did I hear that right?), and Jamie being in a bad mood. She'll wash that pot later, Arian. Seriously, Arian, she'll do it later, OK?! Stop being so passive-aggressive.

The quickfire challenge will be judged by the French pastry chef and star of the soon-to-be-not-a-hit-new-show Chef Academy, Jean-Christoff Novelli:

Jean-Christoff: "The way Padma and I keep our girlish figures is by drinking delicious and refreshing Diet Dr. Pepper!"

OK, Other Eric is pretending to do a commercial right now with the can of Diet Dr. Pepper he happens to be drinking. Seriously.

Padma wants a sweet treat that doesn't taste like it's diet:

Padma: "Now blatantly-sponsored segments of Top Chef are even more like regular segments of Top Chef!"

I don't know; it leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

Supposedly, this is a "calorie count" challenge. Except that the only rule is that the chefs can't use sugar. Some of the chefs are using honey, which I'm pretty sure has a lot of calories.

Jean-Christoff is very finicky about cream:

Jean-Christoff: "OH, MY GOD! This cream is over-whipped! I don't think I can go on living!"

For some reason Stefan suddenly turns into a Kristen Wiig character from Saturday Night Live:

Stefan: "I'm French, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, yes I am, just kidding, I'm actually Finnish, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, I'm really finished, just kidding, no I just started, just kidding, no I'm not, just kidding, just kidding, just kidding."

Seriously, what the hell?

The bottom three are Carla, Arian, and Jamie.

The top three are Radhika, Leah, and Jeff and Rahdika wins immunity in the elimination challenge! Congratulations, Radhika:

Radhika: "I almost feel bad about how much better I am than the other chefs."

Tomorrow they will be meeting the new Top Chef judge, Toby Young:

Fabio: "He's a foot critic."

I wish that actually seemed stranger than it does.

Tom tells us that the elimination challenge will be a blind tasting:

Tom: "The guest judge will be Andrea Bocelli."

Oh, Tom, that is really offensive.

Tom: "No, I'm serious."

Oh, sorry.

Tom: "Psych!"

Good one, Tom!

So, this is a really fun challenge! The chefs get to create anything they want and then half the chefs sit down with the judges and comment on the dishes of the other chefs, while the group being judged watches on television. And they judge the dishes without knowing who made it!

The chefs break into two groups to prepare a signature dish for the judges. Carla wimps out about doing a vegetarian dish, Jamie is doing fucking scallops again, and Eugene is insane.

After the food is served, Padma calls the chefs into the dining room:

Padma: "Thank you. I called you in here so I could tell you to get out."

Everyone hates Radhika's soup, Arian's skate is good, Carla's scallop has too much garlic, Fabio's lamb was undercooked but the ravioli was good, Melissa's fish tacos tasted like she wasn't confident, they liked Jamie's scallop dish, and they liked Stefan's duck dish with cabbage and dumplings.

Tom thinks the chefs are really learning something this week:

Tom: "I think they are really learning how to handle humiliation."

Arian, Jamie, and Stefan were the top three and Jamie wins! Congratulations, Jamie, you finally won! Will you please stop making fucking scallops now?

Melissa, Eugene, and Carla are the bottom three:

Melissa: "I enjoyed listening to the critiques of my dish."

Tom: "Seriously? You enjoyed listening to us rip you a new one?"

Before the eliminations are announced, Padma has one final question:

Padma: "Does anyone have anything really stupid to say?"

Melissa: "Yes, I'd like to say that I really want to be here."

Padma: "Wow. I was prepared for you to say something stupid but that still surprised me."

Eugene thinks he is so creative but his fish was flavorless and he doesn't know how to prepare daikon:

Tom: "I really believe in honoring the food and I am totally sad that a poor daikon had to give its life for that dish."

Melissa and Eugene are out.

I'll leave you with this insight into what our new judge looks for in a dish:

Toby: "I thought Jeff's avocado sorbet was as good as Tom Cruise. I think Tom Cruise is delicious!"

OK, ew.

Top Chef New York, episode six: Eleven Chefs a-Choking!

Katie Lee Joel: "Welcome to our Christmas Carol! I am the ghost of Top Chef past!"

Padma: "Bitch, don't even."

We start the episode with more scenes from the bromance between Fabio and Stefan:

Fabio: "Stefan says we are a dynamite duel. I don't know what that is. Also, he has a shoe in his ass. I told him he should see a doctor."

We witness Hosea's call home to check on his father, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. He wishes he could be with his father. You know what that means. Hosea's going home. They make it so obvious.

The judge for the quickfire is Martha Fucking Stewart! Some of you may not have heard of her but, believe me, she's very famous in the culinary world! This is a big deal!

The chefs have to make a one-pot dish. The trick to a one-pot dish is to use one pot. Because if you use two pots, it will be a two-pot dish. I'll give you a moment to write that down.

Padma: "Martha, do you have any words of advice?"

Martha: "As Albert Einstein always said, 'Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay!'"

Padma: "Martha, are you drunk?"

Martha: "Yes. Are you?"

So, most of the chefs are creating dishes with at least two separate components and, while they are technically using one pot, they are defeating the purpose of the challenge. Of course, there is a reason we don't get more stews:

Eugene: "I used corn starch to thicken my stew. I hope Martha Stewart doesn't notice that it tastes like crap."

A few minutes later:

Martha: "This tastes like crap. Did you use corn starch?"

Stefan makes a veal stew with chanterelle mushrooms:

Martha: "Oh, I love chanterelle mushrooms. I pick them every morning on my estate. I highly recommend having an estate with chanterelle mushrooms. Everyone should have one."

Martha also likes Hosea's paella. He's obviously going home.

Padma questions Jamie about whether scallops are a winter dish:

Martha: "Padma, you dumbass, scallops are absolutely associated with winter. We go diving for them off my waterfront estate in Maine in January. I highly recommend going diving for scallops off your waterfront estate in Maine in January. Everyone should do that."

Padma: "Let me get this straight; you put on a wetsuit and go diving off the coast on Maine in January?"

Martha: "Don't be ridiculous; when I say 'we' I mean the lackeys who do my bidding."

Ariane wins a signed copy of Martha's cookbook:

Martha: "I highly recommend having a signed copy of my cookbook. Everyone should have one."

Jamie just misses winning again:

Jamie: "Always the lesbian bridesmaid and never the bride at a same-sex wedding."

The Harlem Gospel Choir shows up in the kitchen and tries to sing the Twelve Days of Christmas but Bravo gets bored and stops after three days. The point is that each of the chefs has to create a dish for a charity event based on one of the lines from the song.

During the commercial break we get really unhelpful tips on leftovers:

Richard: "Take everything you have in your refrigerator, add cheese, and put it in the oven."

Yeah, that doesn't sound good. I can't believe he didn't go farther on the show.

Here is a list of the themes and what the chefs made:

Radhika - A Partridge in a Pear Tree (duck)
Carla - Two Turtle Doves (fresh New York City pigeons)
Leah - Three French Hens (three french hens)
Oops, no four! Someone lost count when they planned this episode!
Eugene - Five Golden Rings (ceviche on a pineapple ring)
Ariane - Six Geese a-Laying (deviled eggs)
Jamie - Seven Swans a-Swimming (scallops)
Melissa - Eight Maids a-Milking (something vaguely related to dairy products)
Fabio - Nine Ladies Dancing (crab)
Jeff - Ten Lords a-Leaping (leaping cheese)
Hosea - Eleven Pipers Piping (smoked pork)
Stefan - Twelve Drummers Drumming (chicken pot pie)

Stefan explains that three hours is not much time:

Stefan: "First you have to walk into the kitchen and put your shopping bags down on the counter and then look around to make sure Fabio is nearby for emotional support and then you have to take the groceries out of the bag and the next thing you know you only have ten minutes left to cook."

The chefs work late into the night and cram all their food into the refrigerators. The next morning they arrive in the kitchen to find that the door of one of the refrigerators wasn't closed. Who could have done it (Tifanniy Faison)? I guess we'll never know. Again, I have to just say it's too bad we aren't filming what goes on in the kitchen.

Anyway, without blaming anyone (Tiffani Faison), we learn that Hosea and Radhika are royally screwed because the pork and duck are spoiled. Obviously Hosea is going home.

The chefs all pitch in to help Hosea and Radhika. It's that Christmas spirit in July! It's heart-warming! Or maybe that's heartburn. I had onions at dinner.

The chefs serve the guests at an event for amfAR, or the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. No, that's not right. Well, I'm sure it's a good cause, anyway. Otherwise Natasha Richardson wouldn't be there:

Natasha Richardson: "Hello, I'm Natasha Richardson and these are my breasts."

Pleased to meet you!

Everyone loves Radhika's duck.

Eugene is talking about the voyage of the Hokule'a, which is a nice story that has absolutely nothing to do with five golden rings.

Everyone hates Jamie's warm, raw scallops. Even the guy from Xanadu the Musical hates it, and that can't be good.

Fabio does not charm the judges this time. Probably because he's talking about crabs laying eggs and that's not appetising.

Arian's deviled eggs are good but the judges think deviled eggs are boring. I think it was weird that she made six different kinds, one for each of the geese that are supposedly a-laying, but who wants to eat six deviled eggs?

Hosea had the pipers piping so he passed around a bong and got everyone high and then they all loved his food! He's obviously going home.

All the ladies at the event were flirting with Hosea and Jeff. Well, there weren't a lot of straight men to choose from in that crowd.

The top four are Jeff, Stefan, Radhika, and Hosea. Obviously Hosea is going home.

Other Eric: "Stop saying that! He's obviously not going home!"

Hosea wins! Obviously, he's going home.

Other Eric: "Stop it!"

Everybody wins Michelle Bernstein's book!

Martha Stewart: "Big deal."

The bottom three are Jamie, Melissa, and Eugene.

Jamie's scallops made Padma gag and Eugene is told that his dish was too sweet:

Eugene: "That's funny because I didn't put sugar in it."

How is that funny?

The judges are really turned off by Eugene's attitude. Actually, they weren't that impressed with most of the food but they decide not to send anyone home.

Tom goes back to talk to the chefs:

Tom: "In the spirit of the holidays, I just want to tell you that you all suck."

Top Chef New York episode five: Hot Night in the Hen House!

First, I'd just like to say that it is a travesty that Selma Blair was not nominated for a Golden Globe for her work on Kath & Kim. I'm serious! I could watch a half hour of nothing but Selma Blair rolling her eyes. And the opening credits to the show, set to the music of the Scissor Sisters, is the best music video I have ever seen!

Anyway, last week Alex was sent packing and Ariane won the chance to be on television. She's already been on television for the past four weeks but whatever.

We start this week with Melissa telling us she needs to do better. Duh. And we watch Ariane sweeping the floor:

Ariane: "I'm a 41 year old woman here with a bunch of younger people. I'm here to clean up after them."

We also learn that Stefan has the hots for Jamie:

Jamie: "Perhaps I was a little too subtle about the fact that I'm a LESBIAN!"

Stefan: "I don't believe there are lesbians. Just women who have not met Stefan yet."

The quickfire is a tasting challenge. Although we get this challenge every season, the producers somehow manage to get reaction shots of the chefs looking totally surprised and confused. The chefs are paired up for tongue to tongue combat:

Stefan: "That sounds sexy!"

Jamie: "Ugh."

This tasting challenge is a combination of Name That Tune and a ping-pong tournament. They have to name the ingredients in soups in three rounds that narrow the chefs down to Stefan and Hosea, with Hosea ultimately wining immunity for the elimination challenge. Congratulations, Hosea!

For the elimination challenge, Padma is hosting a bridal shower for Gail! Fun!

Gail: "My girlfriends like food. These are not girls who like their salad dressing on the side, if you know what I'm saying. Actually, what I'm saying is that I want every woman at this dinner to gain at least twenty pounds. If any of these bitches looks better than I do at my wedding there is going to be hell to pay. Padma, please use your stylist from season two. Thank you."

The theme for the dinner is "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue." Surprisingly, Ariane is not on the old team.

Ariane: "I heard that!"

Team Borrowed is Ariane, Jamie, and Radhika. They will be "borrowing" from Radhika's culture. The concept for making Indian food is Jamie's. Radhika is naturally concerned that the judges will think she can only make Indian food but she goes along with it. Ariane will be responsible for the main part of the dish, the lamb chops, but Jamie is the team leader on this one.

Team Blue is Melissa, Leah, and Fabio. Tom helpfully points out that there is no blue food so they should just give up and go home.

OK, so yes, most "blue" fruits and vegetables, like blueberries, blue corn, and blue potatoes, are really closer to purple but so what? The veins in bleu cheese look pretty blue and there are edible flowers that are blue so I'm sure they could have done something blue. Smurfs are also pretty good if you cook them the right way. But Team Blue goes for an ocean theme, instead. It makes sense. The problem is that the dish is way boring and Gail thinks Chilean sea bass is offensive.

Team New is Eugene, Danny, and Carla. Danny suggest making pickles because Gail likes pickles:

Carla: "Are pickles new?"

Excellent question, Carla. No, they are not.

So then Eugene wants to do sushi, which also is not new. But at least the concept of sushi brings to mind really fresh ingredients. And fresh is kind of like new, right? Yeah, it's a stretch. Carla is not totally on board with this and she should have spoken up but her two teammates are very excited about it so I don't blame her for going along and trying to make the best of it. A team can't have three leaders.

Team Old is Josea, Stefan, and Jeff. They go with a trio of dishes based on heirloom tomatoes. The heirloom tomato concept is good but I'm worried that it's a lot of tomato dished for one plate.

Carla: "Hootie?"

Who?

Don't ask.

The night before the dinner, Eugene has a "brainstorm" that will result in a shit storm. He decides that the "sushi" will be served with all the ingredients spread out all over the plate and the guests will be responsible for assembling their own food:

Stefan: "Those women will not want to assemble their own food."

For once, I am in total agreement with Stefan. Padma does not want to work for her food. If she could get someone to shovel food into her mouth for her, she would.

The "trio of tomato" course is pretty popular. The guests like Hosea's gazpacho and they love Jeff's savory tomato sorbet, both of which Stefan predicted would bomb.

The roll-your-own sushi dish is a disaster. Obviously. Danny accurately describes it as "sploodge" on a plate. Danny ruins Carla's salad with reconstituted mushrooms without telling her. Eugene forgets to mention to the guests what exactly they are supposed to do with the plate full of crap sitting in front of them. Danny tells them to eat the sorbet at the end of the course, when it will have melted. The dish makes Gail sad.

Fortunately, the next course makes Gail happy! Yay! Everyone loves Team Borrowed's lamb dish. Everything is perfect! Ariane almost screws up the lamb by starting it too late, leaving only a few minutes to plate the food, but all the chefs help out in an assembly-line and get it done just before the clock runs out.

Team Blue's fish course is really boring. But Fabio is charming:

Fabio: "You see, we have the greens and the yellow corn and green and yellow make blue."

uh . . . no.

Gail: "Shut up! Fabio's talking! Nobody cares if he makes sense! Plus, he said I'm pretty."

I've been saying you're pretty for years!

Gail: "Yeah, it's not the same."

Fine. Whatever. Anyway, the guests think the dish tastes good but it's mushy and boring.

Ariane wins the challenge because the lamb was so good. Jamie is pissed because she was leading the team and it was all her concept. I don't blame her.

Danny is out because his palate is completely hopeless. I think Eugene should have been out because he was clearly leading that disaster.

Gail: "Padma, thank you so much for hosting my bridal shower. I just have one question."

Padma: "Yes, Gail?"

Gail: "Where are the damn strippers?"