In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds," a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures.
People laughed.
In 1978, when a high-level government experiment goes terribly awry, a group of giant mutated tomatoes rolled through suburbia on a spree of mayhem and murder.
No one is laughing now.
Yeah, so don't get too comfortable. The episode starts with Tim introducing L'Oreal Makeup Tsar Collier Strong:
Collier: "L'Oreal has just come out with a new line of makeup inspired by heirloom tomatoes. What? Like that's any more ridiculous than a line of makeup inspired by an owl?"
Don't get so defensive. I think it sounds like a great idea.
Laura and Anya will be designing for a Purple Cherokee tomato.
Bert and Josh will be designing for a Green Zebra tomato.
Viktor and Kimberly will be designing for a Yellow Valencia tomato. Ooh, fancy!
As usual, Bert is not happy with the challenge:
Bert: "I hate that tomato. It just looks cheap and tacky."
The exciting part of this challenge is that the designers will be competing head to head and have a chance to win $20,000.
Josh tells us that he really needs the money because he has $100,000 in student loans. I hope he has a law degree from Harvard, because otherwise that's ridiculous.
Kimberly is having a bad day. She makes a really ugly dress and then she accidentally runs over it with her car and sets it on fire. Then she sews over her finger and her fabric gets stained:
Josh, the fabric whisperer, licks the fabric to try to figure out what the fabric wants to do:
Josh: "Wait a minute! That's not blood! It's tomato juice!"
OH, MY GOD! THE TOMATOES HAVE BECOME SENTIENT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
The designers notice a small tomato scurrying along the edge of the design room. They start screaming and jumping up on the tables to get away from it.
Anya: "Don't worry. Killing tomatoes was my pageant talent."
She squashes the tomato with her shoe. It's very impressive.
Josh asks Anya if he can have some fabric. She doesn't want to help him at this point in the competition. Joshua, Viktor, and Kimberly think Anya has received so much help from the other designers that she should be happy to help them when they need something:
Anya: "But giving fabric is more tangible help than giving advice."
Joshua: "My hundred thousand dollar education is tangible! Stand next to me; you can feel it!"
Anya: "Look, without me saving your asses from that tomato, you would all be spaghetti sauce right now!"
At the last minute Kimberly makes a new dress out of polyester lining fabric. Anya has to decapitate her model and then sew her head back on because she forgot to add a zipper to her dress. And Viktor accuses everyone of copying him. Just like every episode.
Tim enters the design room and makes an announcement:
Tim: "I just want you to know we're all counting on you."
No, that's the wrong movie.
Tim: "Oh, sorry. So, remember when I told you to make a second look?"
I think I forgot to mention that.
Tim: "For crying out loud! What kind of recap are you running here? Anyway, the designers had to make a second look inspired by their tomatoes. Well, the exciting second twist is that they will only be showing one of the two looks they made!"
That's a surprising twist! That's actually kind of frickin' brilliant.
Tim: "Right?"
So the designers pick the one look they want and then the L'Oreal and Garnier people make the models look like drag queens from the 1980s and then the fashion show starts.
The guest judge is Francisco Costa, who seems like a LOT of fun:
Francisco Costa: "Stop joking around. This is very, very serious."
The top three are Anya, Josh, and Kimberly. Anya made an avant garde look. That's right, finally something avant garde! It poofed out at the abdomen, which wasn't great, and normally Michael Kors would have said that "no woman wants to look pregnant when she isn't," but it really was a pretty great look. Josh made a beautiful draped dress. I thought it was better than anything Rami Kashou had ever done, and when it comes to draping, that's saying something. I think it could have won the challenge if he hadn't stuck the most godawful feather corsage on the shoulder. He managed to ruin one of the best dresses I've seen in a long time. Still, it's the best thing he's ever done and almost makes me glad he wasn't sent home last week.
Anya wins!
Michael Kors: "You really thought outside the box!"
Francisco Costa: "It's so light and refreshing!"
Nina Garcia: "I love that there's vodka in it!"
The bottom three are Laura, Bert, and Viktor. Viktor is only there by default, because the judges were so impressed that Kimberly managed to make anything at all after that boulder fell on her and she had to cut off her own arm.
So it's down to Laura and Bert:
Laura: "Two beauty queens, head to head."
Right. Bert's was clearly worse. But I thought the judges might keep him just because he does occasionally do something interesting, unlike Laura, who is pretty consistently not so good.
Bert is out. Sorry Bert. I was actually a fan again.
Nina Garcia: "It's just too literal."
Francisco Costa: "It doesn't have exuberance."
Michael Kors: "It looks like what would happen if a tomato moved to Las Vegas, lost all its money at roulette, got made into soup, and became a hooker."
But wait! There's more! Just when you were thinking an hour and a half wasn't long enough, they thoughtfully added another half hour show! My prayers have been answered! I DIDN'T EVER ACTUALLY WANT TO GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT!
Zanna Roberts Rassi: "Hi, welcome to the show! I'm not Andy Cohen!"
Well, yes, there is that.
Zanna: "OK, we don't have much time so let's start complaining about Anya, since she isn't here."
Yeah, where is she?
Zanna: "That's enough. It's time to bring out Anya so we can all feel uncomfortable."
Anya makes a dramatic entrance and is very gracious:
Anya: "I completely understand why everyone is mad at me. It doesn't feel at all like you are ganging up on me."
Zanna: "Now it's time for a segment we call 'Clearing the Air,' where the designers start saying something and then I interrupt them and say we are out of time."
That sounds like a stupid ...
Zanna: "Sorry, we're out of time. But before we go, Laura Benett is here to ask Josh a question."
Laura Bennett: "Josh, the viewers would like to know why you are such an asshole."
Josh: "Thank you for coming and asking me that question. Now, take your Harry Winstons and stick them up your nose."
Zanna: "Now it's time for the part of the show we call 'Josh Storms Out of the Room.'"
Josh storms out of the room.
