Friday, September 28, 2012

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eleven: Toddlers and Tedium!

For this challenge, the designers have to make baby clothes for robots.

Tim: "You're going to get your very own Haley Joel Osment to take care of!"

Fabio: "OH, MY GOD! I've always wanted my own Haley Joel Osment! Can I keep him? I'm going to flip the switch on the back of his head so that he loves me forever!"

oh, this is not going to end well.

OK, so remember when you were watching the film "A.I." and you were wondering if you would die of boredom before you died of old age? Well, try to think about that while you are watching this show. It will give you perspective.

Anyway, as I was saying, Heidi has a new line of robot clothes that will be sold at Robots R Us stores across the country. It's a niche market, but it's growing, and I think she's smart to get in on it now.

Heidi needs some free designs and some free advertising for her new line. Why? Because she is going through some personal issues at the moment and all her money is tied up in cash.

On to the runway, with guest judge Hillary Duff. The twist for this challenge is that the designs will be worn by actual human babies, instead of the robot babies, as we had been led to believe. The human babies are barely able to walk the runway without major assistance. They are clearly drunk. It's disgraceful.

Sonjia made a little grey suit that is totally adorable. She wins for the boys look:

Nina: "This look is so versatile. I can definitely see a baby wearing this to the office and then out for a night on the town. I love it!"

Christofur made a little dress with applied flowers and a white jacket. It's very cute, if a little dressy. He wins for the girls look.

Melissa is on the bottom. She made a terrible white dress that was riding up:

Nina: "No baby wants to show that much diaper. It just looks trashy."

Heidi: "Yeah, I'm all about showing some diaper, but even I think that's too much."

Michael: "Besides, the crotch on that diaper is insane!"

Melissa couldn't even finish her look in time and she had to ask her baby for sewing help:

That's just wrong! That baby needed time for hair and makeup!

Elena actually made really great pieces. Unfortunately, while it was way better than Melissa's mess, Elena's pieces didn't work perfectly together and the outfit was a little busy:

Michael: "That baby looks like she was shopping at a sample sale."

Nina: "Yeah, the other babies are going to ridicule her. She'll never be able to show her face in public again. Elena, you've ruined that baby's life!"

In possibly the worst decision of the season, Elena is sent home because Nina doesn't like her.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Project Runway, Season Ten, Episode Ten: How do you get to Radio City Music Hall?

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall. You take a cab. So, last week America's sweethearts, Gunnar and Christofur, were split up:

Christofur: "Whatever shall I do without him?"

Gunnar: "Be strong for me!"

This week the designers have to make a rocket costume:

Seriously? These challenges get more ridiculous every week!

Tim: "I think you'll find you made a typo when you were taking your notes."

That does sound like something I would do.

Tim: "The designers will actually be making Rockettes costumes."

Oh, that's much better!

Tim: "Are you being sarcastic?"

No, not at all!

Tim: "Good. Because I am not above bitch-slapping that bitch"

The designers have hundreds of dollars and several days for this challenge. The results are even worse than usual, so obviously time and money are not the issue.

They go out to dinner and get drunk. It's nice that they get to have a little break, although it would be a little more relaxing between challenges, instead of in the middle of one. I don't blame Sonjia for having trouble relaxing. Especially with that piece of crap waiting for her on her dress form.

Ven has some wine and gets all emotional. Well, as emotional as a robot can get. He tells us about his life:

Ven: "I spent a lot of time playing with myself."

Elena: "I feel like I understand him now."

Melissa has never made a dance costume before. That's not exactly surprising, but several other designers actually have made dance costumes before.

Anyway, Melissa also apparently has never sewn a garment before, or gone shopping before, because all the other designers are helping her with everything.

Tim makes his rounds:

Tim: "Christofur, I love that. The only thing it needs is some sheer fabric with little sequins to represent a starry sky."

Christofur: "Yeah, that would be great. The only problem is I DON'T HAVE THAT!"

Tim: "No problem. I'll take care of it."

Tim tells the designers they get to go back to Mood so that Christofur can get the fabric he needs to win the challenge.

Elena, meanwhile, is making a cheerleader outfit that she and everyone else hates. Her return trip to Mood does not help at all:

Elena: "I freak out and buy more sparkles!"

Is it just me, or is Elena turning into Kathy Griffin?

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Debra Messing:

Sonjia made a costume for Seussical the Musical:

Other Eric: "It looks a little cocktail."

Me: "Are you insane?"

Michael Kors: "No, he's right; it's like a shortened cocktail dress."

Other Eric: "Ha! Michael Kors agrees with me!"

Great. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

Dmitry made a sexy asymmetrical skating costume for Johnny Weir:

I like it. I'm just not sure asymmetry is the right design choice for the Rockettes. I think it would be distracting.

Christofur wins with his tribute to the New York City skyline. When I first saw his sketch I was worried, but he really did a good job:

Michael Kors: "It's very New York!"

Finally, in a shocking turn of events, the judges actually eliminate the the designer of the worst garment. Ven is out for his super boring dress. Bye, Ven. I hope the show can survive the loss of your bubbly personality.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Nine: All About Me!

Margo Channing: "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!"

That's right, Margo! I've managed to make this episode of Project Runway all about me. Just like every episode. The challenge this week is to create a design based on your cultural heritage, something most of us don't have! So, my challenge this week is to find a cultural heritage. Time to hit

OK,, tell me what my cultural heritage is. Ooh, there's a little leaf telling me I have a clue! ... well, no cultural heritage yet. Let's go back a few more generations ... nope, still no cultural heritage.

Matthew Broderick: "But you have an ancestor who fought in the Civil War, just like me! That's amazing!"

Almost everyone has ancestors who fought in the Civil War, you dumbass. Anyway, that doesn't help. Let's go back a few more generations ... um, OK, maybe a few more ... we're going to hit some cultural heritage at some point, right?

Got it! My fifteenth great grandfather was from Wales! That makes me one thirty-two-thousandth Welsh! Jealous?

Ah, yes, I remember my fifteenth great grandfather always used to say to me, "Mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn." I thought he was senile, but now I know he was just Welsh.

Right, OK, now I have to design a garment based on my Welsh ancestry ... uh ... you know what? Screw it, I'm just going to ignore the challenge and do whatever I want.

Designers: "That's what we're doing, too!"

Yeah, I don't blame you. That part of the challenge is ridiculous. The main part of the challenge (and apparently the only part of the challenge) is the textile design. That's right, the textile design challenge! Of all the Project Runway challenges, this is definitely one of them. As always, I will point out that the designers are not actually designing a textile; they are creating a design that will be printed onto a textile.

Tim: "And to help with this challenge, you will all be getting the new iPhone 5!"

Designers: "OH, MY GOD!! REALLY?!!!"

Tim: "No, of course not!"

Designers: "You suck."

Time for the surprise guests. The designers' mothers walk into the work room, bringing the designers their dossiers, telling most of them that they have no cultural heritage.

So, there are a few MILFs in the work room, but I have to say Fabio's mom is probably the hottest:

Fabio's mom

Yeah, she's fit!

Fabio: "Gross! That's my mom you're talking about!"

Time for the runway, with guest judges Mondo and Anya:

Sonjia made a really nice print pant, based on her cultural heritage of being American:

Mondo: "I love it! She should win!"

She should. Instead, Dmitry wins with a really cool black jacket with cut-outs over a nice print top. It was  an interesting idea, because the jacket required a print top to accentuate the movement, but that doesn't change the fact that you can barely see the print and, as Mondo reminded us, this is a print challenge.

Elena made a cute dress in a really weird print. I would ask her what it has to do with Ukrainian culture, but I'm too scared.

Christofur made a truly horrible dress. It's one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that.

Ven also made a truly horrible dress. It's also one of the worst garments of the season and he should be sent home. Obviously, the judges aren't going to do that, either.

As bad as Ven's dress is, it was actually worse before Tim told him to change it. In an unusual move, Heidi asks to have Tim brought to her:

Heidi: "Bring me Tim Gunn!"

Tim is dragged into the studio:

Tim: "This better be important. You interrupted my pilates class."

Heidi: "We just want you to tell us how much Ven sucks."

Tim: "Oh. Pretty hard."

Heidi: "Thank you."

The judges do nothing with this information.

Fabio made a print vest over a black jumpsuit. The garment is fine, but the boring print fabric is muted with black crepe so it's barely noticeable.

Melissa made a nice red dress in honor of the 2008 Polish Olympic team:

Gunnar made a white print jacket over a short black skirt. It's better than Christofur's dress, but it's still pretty bad. The print has images of birds and hands, to celebrate his cultural heritage of being bullied:

Gunnar: "When you say it out loud, it doesn't make much sense, does it?"

No, it doesn't. So, Gunnar is out. I think the judges and the other designers were a little unfair to him this season:

Gunnar: "Yes, well, that's my cultural heritage. it's like I always say, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

What does that have to do with anything?

Gunnar: "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

Friday, September 07, 2012

Project Runway Season Ten, Episode Eight: Fractured Fairy Tales!

We start the episode with Christofur being upset about the fact that Gunnar wasn't sent home last time:

Christofur: "Ooh, I am so upset."

Well, that was ugly. I'm sorry you all had to witness that.

The designers enter the workroom and come face to face with their worst nightmare:

Tori Spelling: "Hi, everyone"

Designers: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

That's right; the designers have to make crafty t-shirt projects using popsicle sticks and strings of popcorn. And they will be working in three teams of three:

Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine is Christofur, Sonjia, and Gunnar.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up is Ven, Melissa, and Fabio.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now is Dmitry, Elena, and Alicia.

Dmitry and Elena are arguing over what to stick on their crappy t-shirts:

Dmitry: "Ooh, look at what I found. It's a boat covered in rubies."

Elena: "Ugh. That is so tacky."

Dmitry: "Hey, it has someone's name on it."

Elena: "Let me see that. Oh, my god, Dmitry, you just found the ruby yacht of Omar Khayyam!"

Dmitry: "Well, I think we should stick it on a t-shirt."

Christofur: "Oy, it's like listening to Rocky and Bullwinkle."

The teams go out to the streets of New York, home to the friendliest people on earth. Everyone is thrilled to stop and chat with strangers begging for money. However, nobody seems to want to buy their awful t-shirts. Until they only have a few minutes left, and then suddenly they can't keep up with demand and they end up with hundreds of dollars in cash:

Anya: "I can hold on to that cash for you."

Don't do it.

Anya: "No, seriously, It will be nice and safe, right here in my bra. Wait, what happened to my bra?"

Kara Janx: "Did you lose something, too? I can't find my Barbie hat anywhere. Have you seen it?"

Kara, you can stop looking for your Barbie hat. You don't need it.

OK, time for the runway, with guest judge Anna Sui, who informs us that teamwork is the most important thing in fashion design:

Michael Kors: "Screw teamwork! I do whatever the hell I want!"

The weird part of this challenge is having three people create two looks. The math just doesn't work out. There is no good way to split the responsibilities evenly. And I'm not sure what we learn from this exercise.

Anyway, Team Don't Worry About Me I'm Fine did the best job of figuring it out. Gunnar created two dresses, both of which were covered up by the pieces made by Sonjia and Christofur. So he worked on both looks, but since his pieces were covered by the single pieces made by his teammates, it kind of evens out. And that ridiculousness was actually the best way to go. The judges liked both looks and all four pieces and Sonjia wins the challenge.

Team I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up did a bad job. Both looks were very Fabio. they had kind of a cool, grungy feel that I didn't totally hate, but they looked really cheap, especially compared to what the other two teams created for less money. Fabio ended up in the bottom two, but all three on this team end up being safe.

Team Someone Please Kill Me Now was also a mess. All three members of the team had problems. Dmitry and Elena spent the challenge arguing with each other. Dmitry made another nice dress, this time with reversed darts, which everyone acted like they had never seen before, and then he covered the whole thing with a giant blanket. Elena made a huge sloppy coat.

Meanwhile, Alicia spend the challenge doing what she does best: making absolutely no impact at all. She made a boring top over a pair of So Slimming Pants from Chico's:

Michael Kors: "How did you make that really skinny model look so slim?"

Chico's: "It's our little secret!"

So, yeah, Alicia's contribution was pretty bland. Elena helpfully offered to completely cover up everything Alicia made so the judges wouldn't see it at all:

Elena: "I'm a giver. It's what I do."

That's sweet. Unfortunately, the judges do actually get to see Alicia's garments and they send her home.

Alicia: "I had so much more to show you."

More? You were going to show us more? I would have been thrilled if you had shown us ANYTHING AT ALL!

Sorry, I really like Alicia and was looking forward to seeing her designs, but this show is clearly not the right venue for her talents.

Well, tune in next week, when I'm sure something really exciting will happen.

Dmitry: "Hey, Elena, want to see me pull a simple, beautifully-tailored dress out of a hat?"

Elena: "Aw, not that old trick."