Project Runway All Stars Season Two Finale: The Confession!

Oprah interviews Project Runway All Stars champion and cancer survivor Anthony Ryan:

Oprah Winfrey: “So here we are in Austin Texas. A few days ago you texted to the Associated Press and you said ‘I told her to go wherever she wants.’ -- her meaning me -- ‘and I’ll answer the questions directly, honestly, and candidly. That’s all I can say.’ Those are your words?”

Anthony Ryan: “Those are my words.”

Oprah: “When we met a week ago today, we agreed that there would be no holds barred, there would be no conditions on this interview, and that this would be an open field.”

AR: “I think that’s best for both of us”

Oprah: “I agree. So here we go: open field. So let’s start with the questions people all over the world have been waiting for you to answer, and for now I just want a Yes or No. This whole conversation, you will have plenty of time to go into detail, but for now just Yes or No.”

AR: “I understand.”

Oprah: “Yes or No: Did you ever take substances to enhance your designing performance?”

AR: "Yes."

Oprah: “Yes or No: Was one of those substances caffeine?”

AR: "Yes."

Oprah: “Yes or no: Are you so adorable that the Project Runway judges just want to eat you up with a spoon?”

AR: "Yes."

Oprah: “Yes or No: Is it true that Kayne Gillespy did much of the work on your final collection?”

AR: “Yes.”

Oprah: “Yes or No: Is it true that you just make variations on the same damn dress over and over again?”

AR “Yes.”

Oprah: “Yes or No: In all seven of your Project Runway victories, did you ever use glue or boob tape?”

AR: "Yes."

Oprah: “Was it humanly possible to win Project Runway All Stars without the judges being on crack?”

AR: "Not in my opinion. I didn't invent the culture, but I didn't try to stop the culture."

Oprah: “So you’re saying there is a crack culture among the Project Runway judges?”

AR: “Absolutely. Everyone knows they are on crack.”

Oprah: “Did you supply them with crack?”

AR: “No. That is a lie. I never tried to bribe the judges with crack. I know the accusations are out there, but it’s just a lie. The judges have been getting their own crack for years.”

Oprah: “OK. But it's true you had help with your final collection from one of the eliminated designers?”

AR: “Yes, but everyone was doing it. I know that isn’t an excuse, but I felt I had to do it in order to make it an even playing field.”

Oprah: “But you are Anthony Ryan. You set the standard. Everyone looks up to you. Don’t you think the other designers felt pressured into doing it because you were doing it?”

AR: “No, I didn’t ask anyone else to be involved.”

Oprah: “Are you sure? Because according to Joshua, you asked him to be a part of it. He couldn’t take the pressure anymore and he refused. You have to be in a pretty dark place to refuse to help your best friend achieve his goals.”

AR: “Well, I don’t want to talk about other people. If Joshua says that then I’m not going to say he’s wrong.”

Oprah: “So let’s talk about the endorsements. A capsule collection for Nine West; a fashion spread in Marie Claire and a position as guest editor for a year; an all-expenses-paid trip around the world to visit fashion weeks in cities such as Paris, London, Milan, and Tokyo from Laura Mercier; a technology suite and office space from HP and Intel to help run your business; a sewing and embroidery studio from Brother; and $150,000. You lost all of that.”

AR: “No, I won all of that.”

Oprah: “Oh. Well, what about your cancer charity Rock One? I assume they want to distance themselves from you because of this scandal.”

AR: “What scandal? I won Project Runway All Stars! I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Oprah: “Still in denial. So sad. You really don’t think this entire season of Project Runway All Stars has been a scandal?”

AR: “No. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Oprah!”

Oprah: “OK, maybe scandal isn’t the right word. Travesty? Atrocity?”

AR: “Gee, I really don’t think it’s that bad. You did vote for me for fan favorite.”

Oprah: “Did I?”

AR: “Yes. And when I say ‘You’ I mean everyone in the country.”

Oprah: “I don’t remember doing that.”

AR: “Are you calling me a liar, Oprah? Because I will sue you!”

Oprah: “Let’s move on. This season you created looks inspired by graffiti, the nineteen twenties, and haute couture, you were critiqued by everyone, from Diane von Furstenberg and Jason Woo to Kylie Minogue and Katie Holmes, and if that wasn't enough you also flew to Paris. So tell me, why admit to all this now?”

AR: "That is the best question. It's the most logical question. I don't know that I have a great answer. I will start my answer by saying that this is too late. It's too late for probably most people, and that's my fault. I mean, my performance on All Stars is just this mythic perfect story."

Oprah: "Was it hard to live up to that picture that was created?"

AR: "Impossible."

Oprah: "But didn't you help paint that picture?"

AR: "Of course I did. And a lot of people did. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me. But behind that picture and behind that story is momentum. Whether it's fans or whether it's the media, it just gets going. And I lost myself in all of that."

Oprah: “Let’s talk about your ruthless desire to win this competition.”

AR: "My ruthless desire to win at all costs served me well in the design room, but the level it went to, for whatever reason, is a flaw. That desire, that attitude, that arrogance."

Oprah: "Were you a bully?"

AR: "Yes, I was a bully. I remember one time I said I was going to win this competition, which is kind of mean because it implies that everyone else is going to lose."

Oprah: “Ouch. That’s harsh. Is that your nature? Have you been like that your entire life?”

AR: "My entire life. Before my diagnosis I was a competitor but not a fierce competitor. When I was diagnosed, that turned me into a fighter. That was good. I took that ruthless win-at-all-costs attitude into designing."

Oprah: "So that was the tipping point? And your comeback was also a tipping point? Do you regret coming back to Project Runway as an All Star?”

AR: "We wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't come back."

Oprah: “This is an epic story. What’s the moral to the story?”

AR: “Project Runway All Stars has given me a second chance to do what I love and I was faced with a lot of challenges and it's those crazy ass times that you really find the best of yourself. I came to this not expecting anything out of it other than coming back to design, showing a collection and I'm going to be able to do more.”

Oprah: “The truth will set you free.”

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Finale: All Stars Goes to Paris!

In the exciting season finale the All Stars go to Paris and ...

Carolyn: "Um ... I don't know how to tell you this, but this isn't the finale."

pardonne moi?

Carolyn: "I said this isn't the finale."

of course it is. What are you talking about?

Carolyn: "The finale is next week."

SACRE BLEU!!!

Man, I really thought this was supposed to be the finale. Anyway, in this episode the designers get to go to Paris as part of Parsons' study abroad program.

All Stars in Paris

Joshua: "I can't believe we're actually in Paris! I can't believe it!"

Emilio: "Will you stop saying that?"

Uli: "You can't blame him. This is like a dream. We've only seen pictures of these places and now we can practically reach out and touch them."

Anthony Ryan: "Keep your hands in the vehicle at all times!"

Joanna introduces the designers to some Parisians:

The French are always thrilled to have us visit

We gave you the Statue of Liberty and you give us these All Stars?

The designers thought they would be sightseeing in Paris, but instead they are taken by bus out to Valentino's school for designers:

what a dump

They are forced to do push ups and read poetry:

when you finish those, I want you to re-design those outfits

They are so bored:

we know how you feel

Fortunately, Joshua has another one of his brilliant ideas:

Joshua: "I just had another one of my brilliant ideas! Why don't we all make a break for it?!"

the All Stars make a break for it in front of Notre Dame

Finally, they get to do what they want. Emilio sketches Sacre Coeur, Uli and Anthony Ryan help a writer get published, and, most shockingly, Joshua falls in love during a trip to Le Mans:

they share a of love of motorcycles and hotpants

After these adventures, the designers go to Jenssens & Jenssens, the best shop in Paris to buy couture fabric and organic produce:

just look at that selection!

The designers have their fabric and now they need to make haute couture-inspired dresses in one day. The problem with that plan is that the only reason haute couture dresses look any different from other dresses is that a team of seamstresses has spent months making them by hand. I really don't understand the concept of trying to make something that superficially "looks" like haute couture without having any of the qualities that distinguish haute couture from other fashion.

Anthony Ryan: "Well, I always say, When in Paris, do as the Romans do."

I can't argue with that. So, let's look at the runway:

oh, yes! Work it, ladies!

Uli gives us some great styling:

love the hair!

But, unfortunately, the dress is not very exciting:

the judges think it's a little blah

Emilio, again, lets his fabric do most of the work. It's a beautiful, bold look, and at least he knows how to pick great fabrics and use them correctly:

DRAMA!!!

Anthony Ryan wins again, with a nice tight black dress. Apparently it looks couture inspired because ... it's see-through? I honestly don't know. I like it, I just don't know what makes it different from a dress he would make for any other challenge.

Joshua put together clashing fabrics. Easily the most interesting thing on the runway this week, I don't think I've ever seen a dress before that looked quite like it. It was uniquely ugly. And I mean that in the best possible way. It was so ugly that I really, really wanted to like it. Ultimately, though, I didn't. I agree with the judges that the main problem was the scale of the print next to the lace:

a bold pairing, but they just don't look quite right together

While I know the final twist challenge was planned ahead of time, I actually thought it really was tough to choose between Uli and Joshua. I didn't really like either of their looks.

Carolyn: "This final challenge is something only a handful of designers have ever attempted. The late great Alexander McQueen did it. That's right; you guessed it: you have to make a souffle! In one hour! Right here on the runway!"

a Project Runway first!

We await the judges' final decision:

please, please, please

Uli is in and Joshua is out

oh, my poor souffle!

Josh has to say goodbye to Paris and to love:

I'm not ready to say goodbye!

[thanks to LeoAmes for posting this movie on YouTube and for some television station called cts for keeping their logo on the screen through the whole thing]

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Ten
OK, so for this episode the designers meet at the USS Intrepid, where they are inducted into the military. As you know, congress just passed legislation finally allowing fashion designers to serve openly in the armed forces. What not everyone realizes is that all fashion designers are now required by law to serve. Fortunately, in addition to the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, there is a new branch called Fatigues to Fabulous, which focuses on creating beautiful dresses for the women to wear when not in uniform.

The designers are creating dresses for some amazing veterans who need something to wear when they take off their combat boots and put on some heels. Seriously, these women are great and such good sports. The designers don't spend a single moment bitching about how they are "real women" who don't all look like bikini models. It could be because the designers know these women could beat the shit out of them, but I suspect it has more to do with the fact that they are genuine All Stars and they are more mature than some of the jerks we've had to deal with in the past. They know that a designer's job is to make women look and feel great!

Isaac: "No, that's YOUR job as a designer! Another designer's job might be to make women look and feel like crap! Stop demanding that all designers do the same thing!"

Uh, OK, so ignoring Isaac's mental breakdown for the moment, the designers all did a perfectly boring job with this challenge. Uli made a nice Uli dress for Jessica to wear to a wedding; Joshua made a decent little black cocktail dress for Lesley to wear to military events; Emilio made a semi-acceptable yellow dress for Lisa to wear to a Vegas bachelorette party; and Anthony Ryan made an unflattering dress for Donna to wear to her 40th birthday party. 

Anthony Ryan gave his client the exact opposite of what she asked for. She wanted to de-emphasize her bust, but Anthony Ryan couldn't have drawn more attention to it if he had created a giant neon sign with an arrow pointing right down her cleavage. She has a beautiful figure and the right dress could have really shown it off. Anthony Ryan failed miserably and the second I saw his dress I knew exactly what was going to happen:

Carolyn: "This is All Stars and someone is always in and someone is always out."

LIAR!!!

Carolyn: "For the first time in All Stars history we don't have a reason to send anyone home this week."

LIAR!!!

Carolyn: "This is a dramatic twist that no one saw coming!"

LIAR!!!

Carolyn: "Why are you always so rude to me?"

I'm sorry. I'm actually growing fond of you. If I didn't like you I wouldn't mention you at all.

Carolyn: "That's sweet. I'm flattered!"

LIAR!!!

Carolyn: "I give up."

So all four of the designers are through to the final. I'm sorry, but there really isn't anything else I can say about this boring episode.

Katie Holmes: "Why didn't you mention me?"

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Nine: More Miserables!

[Spoiler alert: everyone living in France in the nineteenth century is now dead. If this is news to you, please don't read any further. Everyone else, I would appreciate it if you would sing this week's post as loud as possible.]

The episode opens in New York two hundred and twenty three years after the start of the French revolution. The designers are working away in the Brother sewing room:

Designers: "Look down, look down, you'll always be a slave. Look down, look down, you're standing in your grave."

The designers in the Brother sewing room

The action moves out to the street:

Joshua: "How do you do? My name is Josh. These are my people, here's my patch. Not much to look at, nothing posh, nothing that you'd call up to scratch. This is my school, my high society, here in the slums of the Upper East Side. We live on crumbs of humble piety and 'moderate' dresses that cost seven hundred dollars. Think you're poor? Think you're free? Follow me. Follow me!"

Josh leads the designers up Fifth Avenue, where they meet Elie Tahari:

Elie Tahari: "Come in, designers, for you are weary and the day is cold out there. Though my beginnings were very humble, what I have I have to share. There are touchpads to excite you, there is fabric that is fine. A corner office you can work in. Work in peace and do not whine."

The designers steal all of Elie Tahari's fabric. Joanna enters the design room and is ready to arrest them and send them back to jail, but Elie tells her that he gave them the fabric:

Elie Tahari: "Now remember this, designers, see in this some higher plan. You must use this precious fabric to 'wow' as best you can."

Joanna is moved by this act of kindness, but she has some words of advice for the designers:

Joanna: "All Stars, in your multitudes, scarce to be counted, filling Lifetime with drama and light. You are the sentinels, loud and sure, making clothes in the night, making clothes in the night. You know your place on the show, you hold your course and your aim, and each in this season has returned and returned and is always the same. And so it has been, and so it is written on the doorway to the studio that those who falter and those who fall must be eliminated. This I swear by the All Stars!"

The designers go back to the hotel, where they talk about their day:

Anthony Ryan: "At the end of the day we're another day older. And that's all you can say for the life of an All Star. It's a struggle, it's a war, and the viewers they just keep complaining, and we just keep hanging around, what is it for?"

Uli: "One day less to be living."

They give a toast:

Emilio: "Everybody raise a glass!"

Joshua: "Raise it up Carolyn's [bleep]!"

Emilio: "Everybody raise a glass to the host of the show!"

And they remember their friends who are no longer there:

Ivy: "So my friends, my friends don't ask me what your sacrifice was for. Empty chairs at empty sewing machines, where my friends will sew no more."

The next day the models are sent to the L'Oreal hair and makeup studio, where they have their hair cut off, their teeth extracted, and are then turned into prostitutes. Just like every week. Time for the runway:

Uli made another white dress:

Uli: "There is a castle on a cloud. Everyone there is dressed in white. Colors at all are not allowed. Not in my castle on a cloud."

Emilio wanted to do color-blocking but ended up changing his design:

Emilio: "Orange: the color that I wanted. Purple: my world if it's not there. Yellow: the color I ended up with. Purple: the color of despair!"

The judges fall in love with Anthony Ryan, while Uli loses this week's prize:

Judges: "A heart full of love, a heart full of song. Anthony Ryan can do no wrong."

Anthony Ryan: "Do I dream?"

Judges: "We're awake. A heart full of love."

Uli: "It was never mine to lose."

Judges: "A heart full of song."

Uli: "Why regret what could not be?"

Judges: "A single look and then we knew."

Uli: "These are words I will not hear."

Anthony Ryan: "From today."

Judges: "Every day."

Uli: "Not today."

The bottom three are Emilio, Joshua, and Ivy. Isaac pleads with the other judges to spare Emilio:

Isaac: "He's like the son I might have known, if God had granted me a son. The seasons come one by one and I am old and will be gone. Bring him peace, bring him joy, he is young, he is only a boy. If I die, let me die. Let him live. Don't send him home. Don't send him home. Send Ivy home!"

Ivy is fading away and she skypes with the spirit of Casanova:

Ivy: "Casanova, you are here again beside me. Now I can be eliminated in peace for now my life is blessed."

Casanova: "You will stay, Ivy, you're going to stay. It's too soon, too soon for you to say goodbye!"

Ivy: "Yes, Casanova, forbid me now to die. I will obey. At least I will try."

Ivy fails and is out. She sings to the spirit of Casanova as she walks off the Runway:

Ivy: "Take my hand and lead me to salvation. Take my love for love is everlasting. And remember the truth that once was spoken: to love another person is to see the face of God."

Casanova: "huh?"

We leave with the designers singing about the finale:

Designers: "One more week to final challenge! We will see this season through! We will cry and we will panic. We will 'sew' our clothes with glue! Next week we will discover what the judges have in store! One more challenge! One more auf! One week more!"

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Eight: Parsons Abbey!

The war is over, but intrigue, crisis, romance, and change still grip the beloved estate of Parsons Abbey in this thrilling new season of Project Runway All Stars.

But first a reminder of what happened last week: Casanova was accused of murdering his crazy wife and he left Parsons Abbey in order to prevent Ivy from being involved in the scandal:

Ivy: "I know you, Casanova. You're doing something gallant here, making a sacrifice for my honor, but I don't want you to. I don't care. Don't you understand? I don't care what people say. I'd live in sin with you. If they're threatening to ruin me, then let them. It's nothing to me. The only ruin that I recognize is to be without you!"

Casanova: "huh?"

Casanova is dragged off to prison, while Ivy sobs uncontrollably.

At the beginning of this challenge Carolyn enters with envelopes for the designers:

Emilio: "It's from Lord Grantham."

Joshua: "Really? What on earth does he want?"

Emilio: "He wants to change our lives."

Joshua: "He wants us to inherit Parson's Abbey?"

Emilio: "No, a Nine-West capsule boutique."

Lord Grantham: "If I'd made my own fortune and bought Parsons for myself it should be yours without question, but I did not. My fortune is the work of others over at Bravo who laboured to build this great dynasty. Do I have the right to destroy their work or impoverish that dynasty? I am a custodian, my dear, not an owner. I must strive to be worthy of the task I've been set. If I could take Project Runway out of the Lifetime schedule Parsons would have to be sold to pay for it. Is that what you want? To see Isaac Mizrahi a landless peer with a title, but no means to pay for it?"

Emilio: "You know what? We're happy with the capsule boutique thingy. Don't worry about it."

Carolyn: "Terrific. So, for this challenge you will be creating updated looks inspired by the 1920s, because the 1920s are so hot right now."

Lady Grantham: "But it's only 1919. The war just ended. We barely have enough servants to entertain properly as it is. I very nearly had to have a lady's maid serve wine at dinner the other night. I mean, really! This is just too much! How can we possibly be expected to create updated looks based on a decade that hasn't even started yet?"

Carolyn: "I believe season three of Project Runway All Stars will be set in the early 1920s. So you'll just have to do your best for now."

Lady Grantham: "I suppose that's all we can do in these trying times. Where's O'Brian?"

O'Brian: "I've prepared your bath, m'Lady. And I've left the soap right where you won't be able to miss it."

Lady Grantham: "Oh, thank you, O'Brian. What would I do without you?"

The women of Parsons Abbey engage in a fashion face off:

Uli: "This is totally my challenge."

Laura Kathleen: "Well, I don't need feathers to compensate for my design."

Anthony Ryan: "I'd give Ivy's dress a seven or eight."

Ivy: "I'd give Anthony Ryan's dress a five."

Lady Mary: "Edith, darling, your hat is hideous."

Lady Edith: "Oh, yeah? Well, you're a whore."

Then we survive a cholera epidemic, a floral competition, a political rally, and a surprise visit from someone we thought was gone:

Daniel Franco: "Hi, everyone!"

What are you doing here, Daniel? We thought you died on the Titanic!

Daniel Franco: "Oh, no, I just hit my head and completely forgot to audition again this season. By the way, I've been living in Canada, and that's why I talk funny. Anyway, I don't actually have any proof that I'm not dead, so I'll just leave now."

Bye! It's been great seeing you, Daniel!

Now it's time for the women of Parsons Abbey to model their new looks:

The Dowager Countess goes to an after-hours speakeasy:

The Dowager Countess: "Oh, I don't think so. I've heard those places have electricity. And Americans. No, I'll just stay here, thank you very much."

It's just as well, because she looks bad in the dress Ivy made for her. The fabric is nice but it makes the Dowager Countess look fat. And that is not a fat Dowager Countess:

The Dowager Countess: "You know that's right. I've won the title of Sexiest Dowager ten years in a row."

Cousin Isobel: "I believe you pay for that competition."

The Dowager Countess: "I will cut you, Isobel."

Lady Edith wears a dress by Emilio and attends the annual Parsons garden party. She's hoping to receive a proposal from Sir Whatshisface, at whom she's been shamelessly throwing herself. As usual, she ends up looking like a fool:

Isaac: "That fabric is terrible. And the silhouette is more 1930s than 1920s."

Emilio: "I was going for the late 1920s. The extremely late 1920s. Like 1935."

Isaac: "Oh, by the way, Edith, I just spoke to your suitor and he had to leave. Suddenly."

Lady Edith: "NOOOOO! I'M GOING TO DIE AN OLD MAID!"

Lady Mary wears a feather capelet designed by Anthony Ryan. The capelet becomes a metaphor for her engagement to cousin Matthew:

Isaac Mizrahi: "I think it should be on. No, no, I've changed my mind; it should be off. Well ... let's try it with it back on again ..."

Lady Mary: "Oh, for the love of God, will you just tell me if I'm getting married?!"

It looks like it's back on again, and Anthony Ryan wins the challenge.

Finally, Lady Sybil attends the evening soiree wearing trousers designed by Laura Kathleen. Everyone is shocked. Lady Grantham faints:

Lord Grantham: "Sybil, look what you've done! Your mother, my darling Cora, has fallen face first into her soup! Your attire is shocking! Shocking, I say! How could you wear trousers?! . . . Again?! You wear the same damn giant palazzo pant for every evening soiree we have! Well, I won't stand for it! You are cut off from the family and no longer welcome at Parsons!"

Oh, no! Lady Sybil and her designer, Laura Kathleen, are out!

Shirley MacLaine: "Through war and peace, Parsons still stands, and ..."

You're too late; the episode is over.

The Dowager Countess has had enough of this bullshit

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Seven: The duchess, the singer, and the very big watch!

It's that time we've all been waiting for! Everyone will be celebrating and talking about shopping and decorating and fashion options!

Carolyn: "That's right! It's Christmas and time for everyone's favorite challenge: unconventional materials!"

Oh, nobody cares about that, Carolyn. I'm talking about the fetus that will one day be King or Queen!

Isaac: "The most famous couple on earth are expecting the world's most eagerly-anticipated child!"

Ivy: "It is the most wonderful news!"

Uli: "People are over the moon about this! It's like it's their baby!"

Emilio: "The royal baby that will become the future monarch of Britain!"

Laura Kathleen: "The biggest celebrity child on the planet!"

Anthony Ryan: "It's mind-blowing to think about just how famous this baby is going to be!"

Casanova: "And we can't wait to see it!"

Joshua: "There's no way this baby is not going to be good looking!"

Yes, the Duchess of Cambridge is over a week pregnant so it's time for a two-hour special with speculation about who the baby will be wearing and expert analysis explaining that this baby will be both bigger than and completely different from Suri Cruise!

Carolyn: "You're right! This is so much better than dumb old Christmas!"

Yeah, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say this is the most important pregnancy since Rachel Zoe gave birth to Skyer! So, thanks to forensic science and digital imaging, we will now be able to predict what Kate will look like when she is nine months pregnant and we will also be able to figure out exactly where she will be shopping for baby clothes and how she will decorate the nursery! And India Hicks will show us the good china:

Peach Carr: "WHAT?!!!"

Don't worry, Peach. That's not a euphemism.

India Hicks: "My godfather, Prince Charles, gave me this beautiful china one piece at a time, for Christmas and birthdays. It was confusing as a child to get a single piece of china as a gift, but now I have a full set."

Yeah, you do.

India Hicks: "Thank you. My godfather is Prince Charles."

Yes. You mentioned that. But what kind of amazing presents can we expect in honor of this royal baby?

Fawad Gruosi: "I have this very big watch I'm trying to unload?"

That will do. OK, so now that we have a fabulous prize let's go to the South Street Sea Port to learn about the challenge. Obviously, the challenge has something to do with the maritime industry and jewelry design will factor in, with Fawad Gruosi as the guest judge, right?

Carolyn: "You're so close. The designers will be shopping for Christmas decorations and the guest judge is Kylie Minogue."

That doesn't make any sense, Carolyn. What the hell does any of that have to do with a royal pregnancy?

Anyway, we do love us some Kylie, but this challenge was pretty mediocre.

Laura Kathleen, Uli, and Anthony Ryan basically made the same dress. Anthony Ryan's looked the most expensive and well-made. But Uli's looked the most comfortable and wearable. Uli won.

Uli tries on her new watch

Emilio made a dress out of ribbon, Joshua made a dress out of Christmas ornaments, Ivy made a dress out of twigs, and Casanova made a dress out of bullshit.

The designers argue about what the judges are looking for in an unconventional-materials challenge:

Casanova: "I just worry that my dress is too conventional."

Emilio: "Right. I think for an unconventional challenge you need to make something non-conventional."

Joshua: "Exactly. Unconventional means non-conventional. As in it shouldn't be conventional."

Casanova: "That's why I'm worried."

Joshua: "No, seriously. It shouldn't be conventional."

Great. Now we've clarified what 'unconventional' means, could someone explain to Anthony Ryan the meaning of the word 'infamous'?

Anthony Ryan: "You mean like my infamous birdseed dress?"

Never mind. Anyway, after an unexciting Project Runway first, in which three designers were named as possibly being safe, Ivy and Casanova were the bottom two.

Casanova is out.

Laura Kathleen: "What? Casanova? So why the hell am I hugging Ivy?"

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Six: Going Green!

The year is 2022 and in an overpopulated and environmentally-ravaged New York City, the designers find themselves wandering down an abandoned train track. The city's residents are suffering from high unemployment and a lack of fresh water and the once great public transportation system is now covered in vegetation.

Carolyn: "Designers, since we ran out of fresh water, we are now reliant on AirDye fabrics. They are made from sea plankton and are a major improvement over EarthDye and FireDye fabrics. You will be using these new AirDye fabrics to create looks for a red carpet event, which is something you could read about in history books, whatever those are."

Meanwhile, Isaac Mizrahi investigates a crime at the luxurious Chelsea Towers, where he finds black-market fabrics and books linking the victim to the AirDye Corporation. He takes these books to the only person he knows who could interpret their significance, the president of the Supreme Exchange of Fashion Designers, which is an ancient association of scholars:

Diane Von Furstenberg: "Darling, did I ever tell you about when I was young and I was married to a handsome prince and we would go to shops in Italy where you could buy fabrics that had been dyed using water?"

Isaac: "Water-dyed fabric! Oh, Dianne, you and your crazy stories!"

The next day, Isaac is assigned to the weekly Accessory Distribution Center. A riot breaks out when the teeming hoards of designers learn there is a shortage of purple feathers. Isaac barely escapes with his life.

On to the runway. It was all about the fabric this week. My favorite was Casanova, who made a really beautiful plaid gown; I think it would have been stunning on the red carpet. If red carpets were a thing that still existed. Uli's purple feather dress was cute enough. Emilio's red chiffon dress was a beautiful color, but there was nothing interesting about the design. Anthony Ryan was in the top, but I thought his model looked like she was wearing a blue parachute; I could see what he was trying to go for, but I thought he failed. Laura Kathleen won the challenge, with a palazzo pantsuit; I thought it was nice, but I didn't think it was quite dramatic enough.

The bottom two were Ivy and Althea. Both dresses were unspeakably horrible and either one of them could have been out. Althea will be "going home," which is a euphemism for assisted suicide:

Althea: "No, it isn't. It just means I'm leaving the competition."

Potato, potahto. The point is, Althea is sent to the former Madison Square Garden, where she watches Imax films of amazing things that don't exist anymore, such as glaciers and whales and Imax films. Also, classical music is playing, and you know what that means:

Althea: "Wow! This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!"

Isaac rushes to try to save her, but he gets there too late. She's gone.

Althea: "I'm not dead!"

Whatever. Isaac is distraught. And he learns a terrible secret from Diane Von Furstenberg:

Diane Von Furstenberg: "Darling, I read those books you gave me and I discovered that AirDye fabric is not really made from plankton, as they claim. The ocean stopped producing plankton decades ago. You have to let people know the truth."

Isaac: "OH, MY GOD! IT'S PEOPLE! AIRDYE FABRIC IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!!!"

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Five: What a drag!

On this very special episode of All Stars, the designers will be making an androgynous Thanksgiving dinner for their mothers, who are visiting from out of state.

Carolyn: "The hottest taste for moms this Thanksgiving is androgyny! So you'll be making unisex food for your moms!"

Oh, OK. So the designers get started on dinner and then Georgina comes in:

Georgina: "Wait, there's a twist! Your dads are also here!"

NO! The designers' moms and dads haven't spoken since the divorce! They can't be in the same room together!

Georgina: "Oops. The dads weren't supposed to show up until next week. I wonder how this happened."

You did it on purpose! You're trying to get their moms and dads back together!

Georgina: "Why would we do that? We don't want a bunch of unnecessary drama on this show. No, it's just a scheduling mistake. Well, I guess we'll have to make the best of it."

You are pure evil.

Joanna: "Yeah, she's like a crow on a carcass, that one. OK, designers, here's how it's going to work: you will make coordinating androgynous garments for your parents. If you do it right, we won't be able to tell which one is your mom and which one is your dad. This should confuse them so much they forget why they hate each other and they will fall in love again. If your parents get remarried you will win the challenge. If your parents still hate each other but have mad, passionate sex in the sewing room anyway, you will be safe this week. If you fail so miserably that your parents actually kill each other you will be out. Good luck!"

Well, this usually works exactly as planned in sitcoms. Anyway, I don't blame the designers for the disasters they created this week. As usual, the producers took what could have been a good challenge and explained it so poorly the designers didn't know what to do. Why did the looks have to be androgynous AND avant garde? Were they supposed to be making two versions of the same look? Do the designers know the difference between androgyny and drag? These and many other questions will not be answered on this episode of All Stars.

I thought most of the looks were too costumey. And Kayne just put women's clothes on a man. Ivy finally fulfilled her lifelong dream of making a pair of grandpa panties.

There were some good ones, though. Uli did well. But Anthony Ryan's looks were the best. He made a dress for a man, but it didn't look like drag -- it didn't look like a man in a woman's dress -- it looked like a dress that was made for a man. His looks were coordinated without looking like two versions of the same look and they were interesting without looking like costumes. He should have won the challenge.

Instead, Emilio won. Don't get me wrong; I thought Emilio's looks were really dramatic and cool. I just didn't think they were as successful as Anthony Ryan's. My problem with Emilio's was that instead of being coordinated looks they were really just two versions of the same look. And they looked like costumes for a Broadway musical, which would make sense coming from Emilio, but didn't really work for me in this challenge. His parents loved their looks, though, and that was the real test:

Emilio's mom and dad (turning so Carolyn can get a better view)

Emilio's Dad: "Damn, we look good together! I can hardly tell where I stop and you begin."

Emilio's Mom: "Yeah, I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

Carolyn: "He is super hot!"

Emilio's Mom: "You stay away from my man, bitch!"

The bad looks were pretty bad. Casanova created gold leather costumes for backup dancers. Not a success. Laura Kathleen was the worst and should have been out. But somehow she was saved. Maybe it had something to do with Kayne's quips:

Kayne: "Jean-Luc Picard called. He wants his lightsaber back."

Yes, Kayne is sent home for his egregious confusion of cultural references.

Project Runway All Stars Season Two, Episode Four: Project Powww!

Last week someone won and Pleather was sent home for being too creative (that'll teach him). This week we are promised the very first "interactive" challenge! Exciting! I'm assuming it will be similar to the very first interactive televised video game from the early 1980s:

Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!Pow!

This is how it will work. The fans will call in to the show and scream "Pow!" over and over while the designers shoot flying saucers out of the sky.

Joanna: "What does that have to do with fashion?"

Well, when you put it that way I can see that it doesn't make much sense. OK, why don't you explain the challenge?

Joanna: "This interactive challenge is sponsored by USA Today, the newspaper for people who don't read so good. I'd like to introduce you to USA Today's Senior VP of Marketing, Sandra Micek. Sandra, tell us about the USA Today philosophy."

Sandra Micek: "Pictures good. Words bad."

Joanna: "Could you elaborate on that, please?"

Sandra Micek: "Some newspapers provide information, but we were like, This is hard. So we invented infographics, which are similar to information, but prettier."

Joanna: "They sure are! I think what Sandra is trying to say is that every picture tells a story. So you are going to be skyping with fans who will tell you their stories and you have to turn their stories into headlines. Also, we have a saying in the publishing industry: Every pair of granny panties is worth a thousand words."

Great. So the designers start interacting with the fans:

Julie from Peoria: "Hi, Laura Kathleen, I'm a farmer and I need a new gown that is fashion forward."

Laura Kathleen: "I'm sorry, Julie, but if you expect me to talk to you like we have the same background, that's just not going to happen."

Julie from Peoria: "Why do we have to have the same background in order to talk to each other."

Laura Kathleen: "I'm tired of being judged by people like you, Julie!"

OK, so that's not going well. Let's check in with the other designers:

Cassanova: "Look! My fan looks just like Emilio! Because he's wearing a hat!"

Anthony Ryan: "My fan is Diane, from New York, which immediately reminded me of surviving cancer."

Emilio: "My fan is an adorable little girl named Sophie Schindler, from Seattle. She loves writing things down and keeping everything organized."

Joanna: "Oh, she's so cute! What's your headline, Emilio?"

Emilio: "Schindler's List."

uh . . . OK, so what happened to Andrae? Well, he finally crashed and burned, unfortunately:

Andrae: "So tell me, Debra from Alabama, why do you look so sad? Are you a tortured soul just trying to get your art out there in the world?"

Debra from Alabama: "No, I'm just bummed that I won't be able to buy Twinkies anymore."

Andrae: "I completely understand where you're coming from. Would a zippered knit top with interchangeable panels help at all?"

Debra from Alabama: "Not really."

Andrae: "Oh, dear. I'm just hoping one of these days I'm going to get through to you, Debra from Alabama."

On to the runway, with guest judge super cool fashion blogger Tavi Gevinson, who is young enough to be my slightly younger sister. She is a dropped-crotch apologist and I love her all the more for it.

Not a good night on the runway, folks. The designers either made the same garment they make every week -- Uli, Laura Kathleen, Ivy, Anthony Ryan -- or they were inspired by a garment to make a similar garment -- Cassanova, Emilio.

Kayne was one of the few exceptions. He made a red dress that was so boring it was almost intriguing. It made me wonder if it would be possible to create a dress that is more boring than the one he made. I don't think it could be done. That's something of an accomplishment. He was inspired by a picture of costume jewelry:

Kayne: "I was drawn to this image because the subject matter is presented in a classical pyramid arrangement reminiscent of Gericault. The colors are very well balanced and pleasing and the emotions are honest. Also, it was shiny."

Uli made another beige cloud dress.

Laura Kathleen created her usual silhouette but her hand-dyed fabric was pretty.

Ivy made an outfit inspired by a butterfly. I kind of liked it, though I'm getting tired of her granny panties.

Cassanova made an ivory suit inspired by an ivory suit.

Althea made what could have been a nice suit, but the color was dull and the crotch was just unflattering.

Joshua's look was fairly horrifying. The top and skirt looked really bad together, but, as Tavi pointed out, they would also not look good with anything else.

Emilio made an almost interesting dress that was an exaggerated version of the dress worn by his fan. I wasn't completely convinced by this dress, but it still probably should have won:

Carolyn Murphy: "I would look like a Chinese lantern in that dress."

Says the woman actually wearing a Chinese lantern.

The winner was Anthony Ryan, with his typical little tight dress, known as "bodycon" dresses to cool fashion bloggers like Tavi and me. He wins an infographic in USA Today.

And our dear sweet Andrae is out. I actually thought Joshua's look was worse, but I understand that the judges were tired of Andrae.

Before we go, Isaac needs to pay the bills:

Isaac: "I don't design MRI machines but I know great design when I see it, and when I was introduced to the all new re-designed 2012 MRI machine from Siemens, everything about it said purposeful design -- sophisticated styling, refined interior, sleek lines -- it's smart in so many ways. And for me when design makes someone's day simpler and easier, it just leads to a more beautiful life."