Friday, November 20, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Finale, Part Two: This has been "How to trick your cheating husband and his mistress into murdering each other" on the Now Network, brought to you by Sprint.

Before we meet the next fashion designer who will immediately vanish into obscurity, let's get a recap of the season:

Heidi: "OK. Well, let's see. Little Sally Draper stole five dollars from her grandfather and then he died, Bree started having an affair with Susan's ex-husband at the same time that Katherine was trying to have an affair with Susan's current husband, and Kitty Walker got cancer and lost her hair. Oh, and the whole world blacked-out for about two minutes and had visions of the future! It's been a very exciting television season!"

Thanks, but I meant this season of Project Runway.

Heidi: "Oh, like anyone cares."

Anyway, we start this episode the same way we ended the last episode: with Carol Hannah throwing up:

Althea: "Carol Hannah was throwing up again."

Irina: "Really? Why?"

Althea: "Because she saw your collection. Why do you think? She's sick! Remember?"

Irina: "That's terrible. I sort of almost feel bad for her, you know?"

Althea: "Totally."

They get hair and makeup consultations:

Althea: "So, Tim, I got my hair and makeup consultation."

Tim: "Really? But Irina just had a hair and makeup consultation. It sounds like you just do everything Irina does."

Althea: "Um, OK, let's talk about the shoes I'm using."

Tim: "Shoes? But Irina is using shoes!"

Althea: "I give up."

The designers run around for a while and then Tim comes back for his mandatory pep talk:

Tim: "Gather 'round, designers. Tomorrow is the runway show. So let's get it over with and move on with our lives."

I think that was his worst pep talk since season four, when he asked the designers why they were breaking his heart.

They get to the tent at Bryant Park and the designers are running way behind. The models are not ready to go. Tim is freaking out:

Tim: "You kids are driving me crazy! Don't make me turn this tent around. I'm not joking; I will do it!"

Heidi comes out and tries to explain what she's wearing:

Heidi: "I chose this hot-pink monstrosity because of these ridiculous shoulder pads that manage to make me look like I have no neck. It conveys the feeling of shrugging in boredom, without going to all the effort."

The guest judge this season is the art nun, Sister Wendy Beckett! Oh, we love her!

Sister Wendy: "I have a confession to make: I have a passion for Poussin! [giggle]"

Isn't she adorable? But she has serious wimple hair going on there.

Althea introduces her collection:

Althea: "I was inspired by science fiction movies from the 1950s and how they saw the woman of tomorrow dressing yesterday if she thought yesterday was actually today and what that means for the future if the future were actually a long time ago. Thank you."

It's a good collection with some terrific pieces. Her pants and skirts, especially, showed some interesting silhouettes and seemed young and fresh. Was it mind-blowing? No. But still my pick for the winning collection.

Carol Hannah introduces her collection:

Carol Hannah: "I hope you like it."

Well, it's hard to dislike a bunch of pretty dresses. But there sure isn't much to get excited about.

Finally, Irina introduces her collection:

Irina: "Women: you can't live with them and you can't cover them in armor. Am I right?"

Irina showed a collection of beautiful burqas for the modern woman living in the city. At least I'm guessing they were burqas, because all I could see were black blobs walking down the runway:

Nina: "I thought we talked about this, Irina. I told you a couple of days ago that I didn't want to see an all black collection and yet you did it anyway. Why don't you just slap me in the face?"

Seriously, other than a couple of interesting sweaters, it was pretty basic Goth/dominatrix-wear. It seemed kind of dated.

After the show, we get some audience reaction. We catch up with Ari Fish. Did you happen to see her in the new Jack in the Box bowl commercial? At least I'm assuming that's the explanation for her haircut.

The judges talk to the designers and then announce the predetermined winner:

Heidi: "Congratulations, Irina. We decided you would win months ago. So you win."

Michael Kors: "Irina made hats and they were all the same but they were all a little different and that's what makes a collection."

Ugh. Whatever. Thanks for reading! See you in January for season seven!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Project Runway Season Six, Finale Part 1: I think I'm gonna barf!

Yes, I know that every episode this season has made us all want to vomit, but this episode has actual real-life puking!

Tim: "And I couldn't be more proud!"

Last time, Christopher and Gordana were out and Althea, Irina, and Carol Hannah are going to Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week at Bryant Park.

Heidi tells the three finalists that they will have a few months and nine thousand dollars to create a 12-piece collection.

Tim tries to describe how proud he is:

Tim: "I can't find the words. I've been looking for my thesaurus all morning but it's gone. Please let me know if you find it in the design room."

Tim visits Carol Hannah in Huntington, New York, where she moved from Charleston. She is inspired by the faux-Gothic-revival architecture of Duke University because it reminds her of fairies. Or something.

Carol Hannah asks Tim if he would like to help cook a traditional Southern meal:

Tim: "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I'd be delighted!"

Next, Tim visits Irina in Manhattan and screams into an intercom:


Irina: "WHAT?"

Tim: "TIM GUNN!"



Irina: "OH. WELL, COME UP."


Irina is doing her usual knits and furs but she is also adding graphic tees with pictures of Barack Obama looking pensive yet determined:

Tim: "Irina, I'm afraid you stole that image from an AP photograph."

Irina: "It's called appropriation art, Tim! You just don't get it!"

Tim: "I don't care what you call it. The lawyers say you can't use it."

Next, Tim visits Althea in Dayton, Ohio. He almost dies in a freight elevator:

Tim: "This elevator is so ghetto."

Althea was inspired by costumes from movies:

Tim: "Althea, your clothes are looking a little too much like costumes from movies."

Althea: "Duh! That's my inspiration!"

Tim: "Why is everyone yelling at me?"

A few days before the runway show, Irina and Althea spend some uncomfortable moments in the hotel room:

Althea: "Hi, Irina. How are you?"

Irina: "Fine."

Althea: "Well, now we've completely run out of things to talk about. We'll just have to stand here looking awkward so the producers can turn this into major drama."

Tim makes an announcement:

Tim: "Carol Hannah is patient zero for the swine flu. I just wanted to let you know that she's going to infect all of us and by next year it will be a major pandemic. Season six of Project Runway will be responsible for the deaths of fifty thousand people around the world. That's ten thousand more than season five."

This is the biggest tragedy since Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens, Live." A better name for that show would be "Andy Cohen Happens to be Unwatchable Live." Sorry for changing the subject, but I just watched that show for the first time today because Padma was on. I'm never going to make that mistake again.

Oh, wait, Tim has something to add:

Tim: "Let me just say that I couldn't be more proud."

Yeah, we know, Tim. Anyway, the next day Carol Hannah shows up in the design room to infect the other designers. Tim makes his rounds:

Althea's collection is looking old and dowdy:

Irina: "I had the idea of making old, dowdy clothes first!"

OK, seriously, Irina and Althea look like they are working on the same collection. It's Irina's knits combined with Althea's woven angled strips of fabric.

They cast their models and then Michael and Nina show up to tell the designers that they are doing everything wrong:

Michael: "Your runway show should be like going on a ride. If you've ever been in a car with Nina driving, you'll know what I'm talking about. The first look should say, 'Oh, my god, Nina, did you even look before you pulled out?!' and the second look should say, 'Jesus Christ, you're driving too fast!' The third look should say, "I think you wanted to turn left there' and the fourth look should say, 'Look out for the bike!' Finally, you'll want to end with a look that says, 'Nina, it's a red light. Nina? The light is red! NINA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!'"

Nina: "Yeah, that is the last time I pick you up at the airport."

Nina doesn't want an all-black collection. So Irina just makes an entirely new collection:

Irina: "That would have been good advice to get several months ago but whatever."

Heidi visits the design room to announce the impending doom:

Heidi: "In a huge twist this season . . ."

They have to make a 13th look.

Heidi: "How did you know that?"

Seriously? Look, I'm perfectly fine with it but don't act like it's a surprise.

The big news this season is that the designer's main models will be casting the model for the 13th look. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Logan, Christopher, and Gordana are back to help. Logan is working with Althea, Gordana is working with Irina, and Christopher is working with Carol Hannah.

The designers walk to Mood:

Tim: "Notice that we are walking, unlike in Los Angeles, where we had to travel by hovercraft because most of the city has fallen into the Pacific ocean."

The designers visit Swatch, the dog! Cutest name for a dog, EVER!

On the model show, the models get to pick the 13th model for their designers:

Tanisha: "What is your ethnicity?"

Model: "Why do you ask?"

Tanisha: "Because I need someone really ethnic and I can't tell how ethnic you are just by looking at you."

Kalyn is tired of all these young, inexperienced models.

Lisa doesn't get her first choice of blond, willowy model so she's upset. Oh, my god, what a nail biter! Will Carol Hannah hate the model Lisa picks? The answer is no. Carol Hannah will be perfectly happy with the model, partly because the model is fine and partly because Carol Hannah has a very high fever and is hallucinating.

The models visit with their families and they tell us about growing up:

Kalyn: "I didn't go the usual route of going to college and getting a degree in modeling. I'm a self-taught model."

Tune in for the finale, when Tim gets very close to losing it:

Tim: "Obviously, I will not, in fact, lose it. But I will be in the general vicinity of losing it."

Friday, November 06, 2009

Project Runway, Season Six, Episode Twelve: Artful Dodging.

Our long national nightmare of the sixth season of Project Runway is almost over. Only one more excruciating challenge to get through and then we can move on to Fashion Week.

And rest assured, heart patients: nothing exciting or unpredictable is going to happen.

Last week Logan was out and Irina and Althea are not speaking to each other. Unfortunately, we still have to listen to them.

Heidi tells the designers about the challenge:

Heidi: "By the way, we've already decided who's going to Fashion Week so it really doesn't matter what you do for this challenge. Tim is going to take you to the Getty Center so you can be inspired by art or architecture or gardens or the view or basically anything else. Like I said, it doesn't matter."

They are at the Getty Center! Obviously on a Monday, because that's when the site is closed to the public. That means I was probably there! Unfortunately, I didn't know they were there and I didn't see anything. Oh, well.

Tim is standing with the designers and Antonio Villaraigosa in a spot that would probably be visible from my desk, if I had just bothered to stand up and look out the window.

Tim: "The mayor of Los Angeles came all the way up here just so he could be drowned out by voice-overs of you designers saying how exciting it is that the mayor is here!"

Antonio Villaraigosa: "Like I have anything better to do? Suck it, New York!"

Althea is inspired by the architecture of the site, which was designed by Richard Meier and opened in 1997. yawn.

Carol Hannah is inspired by an amazing French bed, ca.1775-1780. The upholstery, by the way, is not original. Don't quote me on this, but rumor has it this bed once belonged to Karl Lagerfeld.

Irina is making a dress inspired by a painting of a dress. boring. The painting is Mischief and Repose (1895) by John William Godward.

Christopher is inspired by a fountain in the museum courtyard. whoopee.

Christopher: "Nobody else would be able to find the beauty in a fountain at a museum that was specifically designed to be beautiful."

I'm screaming right now on the inside.

Christopher: "No, I'm talking about the algae."

That's not algae. The minerals in the water are staining the stone. It's supposed to do that. It's part of the design.

Christopher: "Well, I think I'm the only person who could find beauty in something ugly like graffiti or dirty water in a gutter."

Stop talking.

Gordana is inspired by an 1894 painting of Rouen Cathedral by Claude Monet:

Gordana: "It's so grey and boring. It reminds me of home."

Christopher is lonely as the only girl left in the boys apartment. But he doesn't know how lucky he is. Gordana and Irina became best friends, which means they are constantly having these fun arguments to prove what a cool friendship they have:

Irina: "God, Gordana, you always assume I'm making fun of you just because I probably am. You're such a pathetic moron. Ha ha!"

Gordana: "Oh, ha ha, I never get tired of your teasing, you evil cow!"

Carol Hannah: "Please stop that."

Oh, my god! Can you believe she just said that? Carol Hannah should mind her own damn business!

Carol Hannah: "I just want people to stop fighting."

Oh, yeah? You probably want peace in the Middle East, too, huh? Would that make you happy? God, you're so selfish.

We learn a little more about Irina:

Irina: "My family is from the Republic of I Don't Give a Rat's Ass. My father is a total misogynist so I'd love to win this competition because it would really drive a stake through his heart."

On to the runway. The judges are Nina, Cynthia Rowley, and home-furnishings icon Cindy Crawford.

Althea created a total disaster. I appreciate all the work that went into the skirt but fashion is more than just effort. She made a skirt out of lots of strips of fabric to represent modern architecture. Big deal. It's not an amazing concept. But if she had done it well, it could have worked. As it is, it looks awful. And I refuse to give her credit for "taking a risk" and decided to do something she clearly didn't have time to finish.

Carol Hannah made a stunningly boring evening gown. It's pretty and well made and so what?

Christopher made another dress out of the worst fabric available.

Gordana made a pretty evening gown that really relates to the Monet she used as inspiration. It's not terribly imaginative but I still think it's the best thing on the runway. However, It's looking a little Georgia-O'Keeffe-flower-painting, if you know what I mean. Let's see; how can I put this more delicately? It looks like a giant vagina. There, I said it.

Irina, at least, did not make a goddamn evening gown. But her dress still isn't great. The color is nice and I kind of like the classical look she was going for. But the dress should be light and airy; instead, it looks really thick and heavy. She needed to do something different with the lining. And, as the judges point out, the length is awful and the accessories are inexcusable.

The judges work really hard trying to figure out how to eliminate Gordana:

Nina: "I still don't know who Gordana is as a designer."

Gee, Nina, do you think that could have anything to do with the fact that you missed most of the season?

Nina: "That's one theory."

Heid tells everyone what they already know:

Heidi: "Christopher, do I even need to say it?"

Christopher: "I know. Goodbye."

Heidi: "Gordana, your dress was beautiful and you did the best job of representing your inspiration. You're out."

Gordana: "Of course."

So, Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah are going to Fashion Week based on their past work. Why did they even bother having this challenge? They basically said Gordana won this challenge but they eliminated her based on her work in previous challenges?

Heidi: "No, it was because the zipper on the back of the dress was not perfect."

Excuse me while I take a Xanax.