Monday, January 02, 2017

Eric playing the theremin

Making Eric’s Holiday Letters Great Again! 2016

Let’s be real, folks. Eric’s Holiday Letters have been a complete disaster. Sad. Pathetic. But I’m here to tell you I’m going to make them great again! They are going to be amazing! Huge! And I’m the best person to do this because I have the best words. Also, I have the best holiday spirit. And if you disagree, I will take you to court and you will be sorry. Believe me. Let me tell you my plan:

But first, let me just answer the most common question I get about these holiday letters. A lot of people ask me – and these are tremendous people, by the way – they ask, “Eric, how can you even type these letters with your tiny, tiny hands?” Well, let me just assure you that my hands are a perfectly normal size. I can reach all the keys on the keyboard, if you know what I mean. So don’t worry about that.

Now on to my plan to make these letters great again. And can I just say how amazing you all are? You are the best people in the world. And I’m not afraid to say it. Unlike those other people. You know who I’m talking about. The ones who ask, “Why would anyone read this? It’s not even a real letter. Eric is just writing it to get attention. He has no idea what he’s doing. In fact, he’s dangerously incompetent. We’re terrified.” Don’t listen to those people. They’re losers.

You know, many people are saying that the Dutch are receiving all our best holiday letters now. Many people are saying that. We are getting killed on this, folks. The Dutch are killing us. Kill. Ing. Us. And what do we get in return? Cheese. Really good cheese. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m bringing these letters back.

Specifics? You want specifics? I’ll give you specifics. I’ll be so specific your head will spin. The first thing I’m going to do is order stamps. That’s right. I’m just going to do it right away. That’s how I get things done. By just doing them. And you know what? I don’t just order stamps; I order extra stamps. More than I actually need. But here’s the best part: I don’t throw away those extra stamps. No, I use them to mail bills the rest of the year. It’s so simple. See, this is what holiday letters need: someone who isn’t afraid to shake things up. I’m not being braggadocious. I’m just telling you I’m the best.

So, if I send out these holiday letters – and I really hope I do, but if I don’t it isn’t my fault – I’m going to have my stamps ready on day one. Envelopes? No, that’s the old way of doing things. I’m eliminating envelopes and replacing them with something amazing. I’ll be releasing the details soon. I’m going to keep you in suspense. But believe me, you’ll love it. You’ll wonder why nobody did it before.

OK, remember when I said I didn’t need envelopes? Well, I never said that. Obviously, I need envelopes. Whoever said I don’t need envelopes is not very smart. Well, don’t worry. I’m going to fix this mess someone got us into. I’m getting envelopes. I know. It’s an amazing idea. You’re welcome.

Wait, so this is actually happening? I’m really sending out these holiday letters? Are you sure it’s not a mistake? I know I talked about it, but I didn’t really think it would happen. OK, I can do this. I know more about sending letters than the Postmaster General. Believe me. Yes, of course I have return-address labels! I have the best return address labels in the world! (Note to self: look into this return-address-label issue.)

So, let me just tell you with all sincerity – and I can produce a statement from my personal physician attesting to the fact that I am the most sincere person who has ever lived – that I am wishing you all the happiest of holidays! Many people are saying this is the greatest holiday letter they have ever read!